You never asked me if I loved you
and I never said I did
but somehow, in some special way,
that is exactly what was said.

I depended on your friendship.
I waited for your call
each moment making harder
the inevitable fall.

I'm down here on the ground now
looking at you there above
and wondering if in some twisted way,
it really wasn't love.

I need you now to be my friend
if never anything more
for you see, you've shown a part of me
I've never seen before.

I ask you for your friendship
and anything that's there
for all I ever need to know
is that you really care.
(tac 2/85)

Some lucky people have eyes of blue,
but this is not the case with you.
Then there are others with eyes of green,
giving them that evil gleam.

But my personal favorites are eyes of brown,
they lift me up when I am down.
And when I see these eyes they do
make me always think of you.

So when you are sad and feeling blue,
as we are both so prone to do,
remember that these eyes of blue
are wishing fondly to be with you.
(2.85)

Life is a trinity,
with one event, at the same time,
leading into and being intertwined with the others.

if this is true
it is impossible to imagine any significant advances being made
except, perchance,
a shifting of the circles within themselves.

If this is true,
what could possibly
be the point?
(tac 5/84)

The Circus Has Ended

From where I sit, comfortable and safe in my little room
it is you, not I, who appears as foolish.
You, traipsing around in all your finery.
You, convinced that you own the world.
You, who looks like a clown left behind by the circus.
It is you who is now alone, deprived, and desolate.

I look out my window.
I see you pleading fervently.
I see you pacing aimlessly.
I see you begging me to understand, to forgive.
I sigh, and shut the drapes.

At one time, I would have fallen at your feet,
begging you for a smile, a glance, some sign of attention.
But not here, not now.
Not while you still treat me like one of the many
and not the unique person that I am.

I thought that you were different. special somehow.
I was in error.
You are just another one from the same mold.
You in you narrow-minded, high-class world.

You, traipsing around in all your finery,
like a forgotten circus clown.
I pity you somehow
for you obviously know not
that the circus has ended.
(tac2/85)

Communication Lacking

I play you my song.
I offer you my soul, my heart
and the very essence of my being.

You don't understand.
You walk away.
You leave me shattered, weeping, and alone.

Alone with my song.
Alone with the now meaningless, unordered notes running their course through my annihilated person.
Alone with only the ancient composers to heal my aching soul.

They understand.
They, too,  have trodden the rocky path.
They sympathize with me.

Never again will you be allowed to enter my magic world.
You walk away.
You don't understand.

I will not offer you the essence of my being, my heart, or my soul.
I will not play you my song.
It is for me alone, forever.

You laughed.
I cried.
Good-bye.
(tac 11/84)

From where I sit
~which is neither here nor there~
I perceive things to be very imperceptible.
The black I see in not really black, but blue
~and the blue isn't really there at all~
And furthermore, the red carries traces of a melody, I think.

The tree bends in the wind
~but how is that possible?~
We are in a vacuum.
The lamentations of the soul are increasing
~and the lamentations are not really sorrowful at all~
And furthermore, the melody carries traced of a shadow, I think.

Shalomay glances at Cariomast
~who is neither here nor there~
And perceives things to be changeable.
The violin he hears is not really a violin, but a flute
~and the flute isn't really there at all~
And furthermore, the shadow carries traces of a color, I think.

From where I sit
~which is both here and there~
I perceive things to be very clear.
The day I experience is not really day, but night
~and the night isn't really there at all~
And furthermore, the color carries traces of red, I think.
(tac 9/84)

I would like to fly away
and see the world another day
when I could simply run and say
I am glad that I'm alive today.
(tac 9/83)

Though I have won the battle today, I must not lay here and revel in my glory.  I must rise again with the sun anew, and face my journey ever true.
(tac 6/85)

They told me to wish on a star.
They said that it would solve anything that was wrong.
I wished on the biggest, brightest star that I could find
and now I have nothing, no one.

Night after night, hour after hour,
I sat.
I waited.
I picked out just the right start.
My star.
I called her Tithomy.
And I wished, and wished, and wished,
And I waited, and waited, and waited.

I went out tonight
to talk with Tithomy,
but she was gone
and with her my wish.
The Earth continues to spin
but Tithomy does not reappear.

My wish is gone, but I have learned a lesson.
A lesson that I needed to learn.
I am now stronger and more aware
Life goes on, and maybe
someday,
Tithomy  may reappear, but I don't care.

I am fine, even if wishes don't come true.
I gaze heavenward and I smile.
I am at peace with the world,
and it can do me no harm today.
And they told me to wish on a star.
(tac 2/85)

Cold clear prisms
pierce through my heart and leave no trace.
You shut your eyes
they vanish.
I shake my head
trying to dispel the frightful sensation
that I have been probed
tested
and rejected.
You frown and walk away.
I weep
for I know
that I shall be no more.
(tac 6/85)

As the sun rises and the birds awaken me
another day begins.
What will this day bring?
More discoveries, I suspect.

But what of these discoveries?
Are they things that I really want to know, or would it better to keep them locked in a closet?
Do I want thins to change?
I don't know, but I know that they will.

It is inevitable.
Not that change is bad.
It is just that I liked my world the way it was,
filled with hope, wondering, and awe.

What will happen in the days to come?
Where will I go?
What will I do?
Knowing that you are out of my reach is a cross that I will have to bear.

Oh well,
I know that it was
never real
anyway.
(tac 7/85)

Look To The Sun

I shall not fear tomorrow, for I have faced today, and conquered it without a battle.
(tac 9/83)

Lost on a skyway in search of a dream
deeper and deeper, yet peaceful it seems.
Lost on a skyway in search of a song
hoping for something to help me along.

Lost on a skyway in search of a truth
a moment, a sparkle, a glitter of youth.
Lost on a skyway in search of a life
a life which had somehow now slipped from the light.

Lost on the skyway in search of a soul
to help me to pass by this glistening goal.
Lost on the skyway in search of a shoal
before I do lose grip and lose touch with the whole.

Lost on a skyway for any to see
why doesn't someone come looking for me.
Lost on a skyway just what do I see
Lost on a skyway and looking for...
me.
(tac 3/82)

The mirror cracked
and yet the image continued to be projected
with crystal clarity.
Noone was even aware
that something  was wrong.
Was there anything wrong?
I think that is a distinct possibility.

The mirror cracked
or was it me?
Revealing all for the world to see
the plain reality
how a person longing to be free can be
stifled by a simple thing
a crack in one's humanity.
(tac 9/83)

The love I feel he'll never know
The love I feel I'll never show
The love which is as pure as snow
The love I feel he'll never show
The love I feel I'll never know.
(tac 3/82)

From the deoths of my soul begins a happy glow
which continues to grow and grow and grow.
(tac 9/83)

Perhaps I shall never know about
the love which within me grows.
Perhaps I shall never deal the
frustration which within I feel.
Perhaps I shall never cope with
that which leaves me little hope.
Perhaps, I say perhaps again
best leave these monsters to lie within.
(tac 3/82)

I look through my tears and I see you going around the corner.
I sigh, and wait patiently for you to reappear
for I know that you will.
Suddenly, to my gratification, there you are,
on the other side of the street.

My friend, my friend.
When will you learn that you cannot evade me forever?
You cannot escape my grasp,
for we have struggled
and I have won.
Yet, you continue to slip through my fingers.

I look through my tears and see you sitting beside me..
I sigh, and wait patiently for you to disappear
for I know that you will.
Suddenly, as the sun continues to revolve,
you are no longer beside me, but everywhere.

I smile
and think to myself,
"shadow boxing."
(6/85)

Sheer Nonsense but Utter Delight

From the islands of the sun
to the setting of the sea
the sky it spins around me
as I nestle in this tree.

The purple breasted robin says
to the brown haired, sad-eyed trout
"It's amazing what your mind looks like
when the world is inside out."

The doctor with his great big pad
and pristine white coat gazes,
"The things I find lying here within
never ceases to amazes!"
(tac 9/84)

Though separated by many miles,
I can still see the gleam in your eyes
and the gentle curve of your smile.

My sighs, offered only by happy memories,
are not understood by those around me
who marvel that I am still lost in my reveries.

I know that I can't be with you now,
nor for the years to come,
but I will be yours, some way, some how.

And yet, the question remains,.
how do I survive until then,
and still stay sane?
(tac 8/85)

I ask you how,
and you respond with a shrug.
I ask you why,
and you tell me that things are what they are.
I ask you when,
ahd you fall silent,
your eyes fixed in an icy stare.

What is wrong, I ask?
Why are you looking at me that way?
My words fall unheard to the floor,
sounding to me like the shattering of crystal.

Still you stare at me,
that cold, unfeeling glare.
It were almost as if you desired to wish me away,
gone to the wind like so many other dreams.

I rise and go off to my little corner of the world
to cry myself to sleep.
All the time, muttering that I just don't understand,
but the icy stare remains fixed in my brain.
(tac 7/85)

You said that you were my friend
and I stated the same about you.
We giggled nervously
as little girls do
as we gently poked our fingers with a needle
and intermingled our blood
swearing never to part.
But where are you now?
Lost with the passage of time,
moved on to other things.

I think of you now
and that day long ago
and wonder now if it is wise to commit for forever.
What if this forever ends as ours did
flickering out hopelessly with the end of an era.
Memories crying out to be remembered.
Dreams crying out to be fulfilled.
And still I resist.
If I feel like this today,
then what of tomorrow?
Yes, what of tomorrow?
(tac 7/85)

While You Were Out

Just go away.  Just leave me alone.  You have had your chance.
You ran from me once, now I flee desperately from your grip.
When I needed you, you were not there.  You were out..
When it was cold, and the winter winds froze my blood,
where were you then?  Where were you when I needed you?
You were out.  Ah, the convenience of those three little words.

Well, my dear one, while you were out, I made some decisions.
What did you expect me to do?  Sit and wait for your party to end?
I did, for awhile, but then I realize just what is was that you were doing.
You expected me to wait, like your little handmaiden, to come running at your infrequent calling.
That would have been fine, but you forgot about one thing.
Me! My life, my mind, my soul, my very being.

Now, as the sun warms your veins and the birds begin to sing,
You slowly realize that you are alone.  Your party is over.
Your winter romances melted away like so many snow flakes.
So, you come tripping back to me, boquet of forget-me-nots in hand,
confident that I will be as I was , where I was.
When I do not receive you, you are confused and even angry.

Well, my dear one, my naive nativity,
while you were out I made some discoveries.
About you, about myself, about life in general.
I discovered that to stay indoors,
safe and sheltered from the winter storms,
is to miss a beautiful and awesome part of life.

Well, my dear one, I leave you with these three words,
and the memory of a precious time, not too long ago, when I was there.
But now, I am in the storm, knee deep in snow, and holding my own.
Maybe I will look you up in the spring thaw., maybe I won't.
But for now, my dear one,
I am out.
(tac 2/85)

On dark and silent nights
as I sit in my lonely rooms
my pen presents itself to my hand
and my thoughts become reality.

Is my work of value
I do not care
for it is the process not the product
which brings me satisfaction.

I hate to fail
at anything
for to fail means that I must admit
that I am human.

If I am human
then I am identical to those I loathe
and fear
but maybe that isn't so bad

Because if I am human
then I am also identical to those I love
and cherish
and that is wonderful!

I love to fail
every now and then
for to fail means that I must admit
that I am human.

And I love to be human
as I said
my pen presents itself to my hand
and my thoughts become reality.
(tac 6/85)

The moonlight filters through the mist
casting long shadows and obscuring the truth.
I walk in silence
always aware of the oppressive hush of the clammy blanket.

I jump
startled by a face, a glassy stare, a sinister grin.
As I approach, for I am too committed to alter my path,
my nerves reflect the tenseness in the air.
I realize that it is just the manifestation of my insecurities projected onto a gnarled oak.

As I touch the uneven face
I hear a laugh
a cackle really
and I feel a tug at my arm.

The dog at my side oblivious to my fears
wonders why I am standing in the night
laughing at a tree.
He wags he tail and whines, anxious to continue.

I pat his head and begin to walk
but not without glancing over my shoulder
at that tree
its face still leering in the night.
(tac 12/86)