I try to remain calm, cool and collected. But sometimes I'm disappointed so deeply that I don't care. I don't care what bridges I burn or who I upset.



Over the years, I've been coming to the realization that most people aren't "human beings". They're animals. Of course, I could be an animal too. So could you. Maybe, there's no sense in being human. Maybe it's too much work. Perhaps, it's better to keep your derrogatory opinions veiled and indirect (to hint at them in a way that they deny rational analysis and hide the fact that you don't have any foundation for those opinions)...better to ignore things...better to be liked...to have nothing but popular opinions...to blindly follow the advice of those who are so corrupted that their words are meaningless.



I'm drawing the line. The hammer is coming down. Let the truth be told.

By the latter half of 2001, I had mostly given up on the notion that I would ever see any of my writing in print. I didn't ever go online because my only computer was a Mac IIci with 200 MB of hard disk space. Mostly, I didn't have the patience to surf the web...waiting for all the pictures to download, etc. So, I was stuck with books I could find in the local bookstores to size up the fiction markets. I didn't see that there was much of a market for the stuff I was writing. While I was earning a decent living for myself in the financial services industry, the stress was getting to me. I didn't feel appreciated nor did I feel that my abilities were being exploited to their potential. I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I wanted to quit my job and do something else. But I stuck it out.



I really wanted to see my novella Ugly Stick in print. I'd only queried one publisher with the prospect of publishing it. So, I didn't feel like I made enough of an effort. My girlfriend who religiously reads a novel every two weeks read Ugly Stick and saw potential in it, but thought it needed more. I set myself to the task of bulking up some of the subplots in the novella and added an additional 6k-7k words to the manuscript. I went to Comp USA, in January 2002, looking for a better printer; and I ended up buying an iMac. I printed up the manuscript.



My girlfriend still had a complaint about one of the character's ramblings. There's a logic professor in the novel who goes on at length about his pet epistemological theory. She couldn't follow it; and I don't think there are many people who could...especially not anyone who would read my prose. It's very technical. But I don't think it can be cut; because I believe its crucial to overall statement of the piece. I got a few other opinions from acquaintances. One guy thought it would make a great movie. Another guy really liked the "straight leather-boy" excerpts and the progression of that subplot. Moreover, he appreciated the serial killer in the novella as a "really evil guy".



No one I queried was interested in Ugly Stick. In the summer of 2002, I was approached by Creative Arts Books, which (from what I can tell) turned out to be a vanity publisher...looking for a minimum of a $7,600 commitment for 2500 copies of my book Hard Ball, which they could store in house and charge me for storage. This was two years after they rejected the manuscript. I didn't know much about the business. So, I seriously considered the offer and buckling myself under to make it happen. It was a dream of mine. I did some research online and contacted some of their authors with works pending. I had a sick feeling in my gut about it. So, I looked into self-publishing. I saw iUniverse as a viable approach. For $200, I would have my book in print and available online through major online distributors.



I gave the iUniverse option some thought as (late 2002) I built a website and transformed the first 5k words of my next novel Acetone Enema (horror/romance) into the short story "Acetone Enema". Brigit at The House of Pain snatched the story right up. More confident about my prose and having seriously considered dropping $7,600 on getting Hard Ball in print, I saw iUniverse as a reasonable alternative to the "Vanity Press". I'd have something to sell; and it wouldn't cost me thousands of dollars to do it. So, I pushed ahead with publishing Hard Ball through iUniverse.



I continued writing short horror stories throughout 2003. My story "Baby Hunter" got a lot of praise. I can't say as much for Hard Ball. The book has one review. Mike Purfield gave Hard Ball a fine review in The Hacker's Source. But that's it. One review can only do so much for a book. Simply because the novella is published through iUniverse, no one else will even accept a review copy from me. They won't even look at it. What's worse, since I'm not paid for my publications in The House of Pain, no one will take any of those publications seriously. If I were paid next to nothing by a paying publication, the industry might take me seriously. But here I am, so far. Of course, because no one other than Mike Purfield (nothing against him, mind you) has taken the time to form an opinion of my novella, the sales for Hard Ball are crap. It was an experiment for me. SO WHAT? It's crap. Look at it. There it is!

While I'm troubled by the prospect of selling rights to my work for a check that isn't worth the time it takes to write it, it seems to be the only way I will ever be taken seriously. I've subbed a few stories...got one acceptance and a few rejections. My stories aren't for everyone. I've decided to contibute one story to a non-paying (exposure) market for every five or six I write. I like the freedom to write whatever I want to write, whether or not it's saleable. But, then, I don't want to get screwed-over either. So, I'm striking this balance. I won't be silenced by the markets. I won't just sit back and take it...and I won't disappoint the people who like my stories, by hording all of them. Rather, I'll horde most of them.



I've been working on an extreme (psycho-erotic) horror novel since late 2002. I finished the first draft late 2004. Since then, I've completed a second and now a third/final draft (completed July 2006). I'm soliciting feedback. I'm not sure what I'll do with it yet, though I've promised my fiance I'll try shopping it to a couple of mass-market publishers before I try anything else.

I've given up hopes of finding an agent. I've gathered it's next to impossible for first-time novelists to find a reputable agent. It's probably a waste of time without having an offer on the table already. Anyways, that's my understanding.

It's not all doom and gloom. I'm slowly getting somewhere.

Two stories of mine were picked up for the royalties-paying Chimeraworld anthologies (#2 & #3). That's a start.

See my bibliography page for more details.