Thousands of Vehicles Seized and Destroyed
Warrant not required under new city law
Dumber, USA. 2006
Reported by A. Stounded
Editor Terri Clary
Joe Citizen stared in confusion at his buckled and broken
garage door. Missing from within was Joes prized muscle car, a 1970 ‘Cuda, he affectionately refers to as “Red”.
Earlier today police officers, under the direction of a
bicycle mechanic, arrived at Joes home in the neighborhood of Unbelievable, a subdivision within the Dumber city limits. The
bicycle mechanic cut the locks off of his garage and police hauled “Red” away. “Red” was taken to
the city impound facility .If Joe cannot find someone from outside the city to give his car a new home within 72 hours “Red”
will be destroyed.
In the past year over a thousand cars have been declared
dangerous and destroyed by the City Of Dumber. Empowered by a new city wide ban on muscle cars, authorities may enter a resident’s
property to remove and destroy their vehicle if it is determined to be a muscle car or has the propensity to be a muscle car.
City bicycle mechanics have been assigned the task of determining which cars are muscle cars and can direct police to confiscate
those vehicles without the annoying and time consuming process of acquiring a judges warrant.
Solemnly toeing an oil spot on the floor, Joe shakes his
head in disbelief, muttering over and over, “I don’t understand? How can they do this? How can they come into
my home and take my property without a warrant, without any proof of illegal activity?”
Well Joe, here’s how.
Last year, while muscle car enthusiasts were busy enjoying
themselves at car shows, drag races and swap meets, the Dumber City Council was passing a ban on the ownership of these vehicles.
The new city ordinance outlaws not only the ownership of muscle cars it includes cars that appear as if they might have muscle
car parts and cars that might be capable of performing as muscle cars.
After Councilman Dee Imwit’s second cousins brothers’
sister-in-laws child was involved in an accident with a muscle car, Imwit spearheaded a fact-finding mission to determine
just what threat to the public was posed by muscle cars. After reading many tabloid and sensationalist media publications
and visiting the website of the national organization, People Against People Owning Stuff That Scares Us, otherwise known
as P.A.P.O.S.S.U., the councilman says “his mission became clear.”
According to Imwit and a majority of the Dumber City Council,
recent studies prove that muscle cars are involved in a percentage of accidents within the city limits. Some of these accidents
have even involved the death of citizen. Councilwoman Ima Follower gave her reason
for supporting the ban.
“These things (muscle cars) are a public safety nightmare,”
said Follower. “I mean, they have these big huge engines and they’re all wrapped in steel. One of these muscle
cars runs into a Toyota and it’s like a shark hammering into a mullet!”
Councilman M.E. Too, up for re-election next month, had
this to say. “I saw one of these things at the drag races. The way it whipped its tail back and forth waiting for the
green light, it looked just like a shark, it was really scary. Wow, when the light changes these muscle cars just go off!
Some go 90mph and some 150mph, they really are unpredictable and that’s really scary!” Councilman Too adds that
his concern is for the publics safety. “We have to be proactive about these things, ” said Too.
Speaking of the provisions that included vehicles with
muscle car parts and vehicles that appeared to be capable of performing like muscle cars, Imwit and the Council stated that
the bicycle mechanics would ensure that only those cars that posed a threat to the public would be destroyed. Council members
believe that the bicycle mechanics knowledge of rotating things and chains and peddles gives them the experience needed to
make the hard call as to which cars are really muscle cars and therefore dangerous and need to be destroyed. According to
Imwit, “These bicycle mechanics are really sharp on this automobile stuff.
They see the results of cars crashing into bikes all the time. Besides, they’re a whole lot cheaper to hire than real
V-8 mechanics. We, the Council, thought it was a good way to not only protect the publics safety but to save the taxpayers
some money at the same time.”
Head Bicycle Mechanic and Muscle Car Enforcement Officer
Al Carzuck said impounding and destroying vehicles that resembled muscle cars was also important for the publics’ safety.
Carzuck stated in our interview, “ These cars may not be registered as muscle cars but, believe me, they can be just
as dangerous. In the wrong hands, with the right modifications, they can be just as deadly as a real muscle car. They’re
like killer sharks just waiting to surface. We have to watch out for the publics’ safety.”
Meanwhile at 5555 Whadaheck St., Jane Average gazes sadly
at the place her sons’ sandbox used to be. “Yea, I know it looked sorta’ like a Camaro,” said Jane,
“ but inside it was just a sandbox like any other sandbox.”
“Who authorizes a bicycle mechanic to be an expert
on dangerous cars,” Ms. Average asks, “and what gives the government the right to knock down my fence and take
our sandbox? Just because some bicycle mechanic says it looks like a dangerous car? What will I tell Average, Jr.? He
grew up with that sandbox, he loved that thing.” Jane also wonders why the city is not required to reimburse her for
the property they confiscated or why it had to be destroyed.
As compiled from data reported
by the National Vital Statistics Report, Vol. 50, No. 15, September 16, 2002 and the National Safety Council in 2002.
Motor Vehicles were involved in more than
43,000 deaths.
Firearms killed more than 23,000 people.
More than 13,000 people died in falls.
Nearly 1,000 people drowned in a swimming
pool or bathtub.
509 people accidently strangled or suffocated
to death in bed.
Alcohol was the direct cause of death for
355 people.
More than 100 died when thier clothes caught
on fire.
66 were killed by lightning.
18 died from dog bites or related injuries.
