Psychology

The National Peeper

STUDY LINKS PENIS SIZE, FEAR OF SNAKES

Findings spark racial controversy

MY SNAKE'S BIGGER THAN YOURS: DR. FELIX HOPPER (Ocmulgee Polytechnic)

OCMULGEE, GA - The larger a man's penis, the likelier he is to be afraid of snakes. This, according to a recent report published by researchers at Ocmulgee Polytechnic Institute near Atlanta.

"We're still scratching our heads over this one," mused Dr. Felix Hopper, author of the controversial study. "I don't know what the sociological implications are, but the data is very clear."

The report, entitled, "An Analysis of the Correlation Between Penis Size V. Fear of Snakes," was published in last month's Statistical Review, and contains the results of a double-blind study conducted over a two-year period, during which researchers from OPI's Behavioral Sciences Department documented an apparent statistical relationship between the size of a test subject's penis and the degree to which he harbored an unreasoning fear of snakes.

Even before the findings were published, the study had raised eyebrows due to the researchers' unorthodox methods. The procedure involved dropping live snakes into the laps of randomly-chosen subjects, documenting their reactions, and asking to measure their penises.

"As you can imagine, not everybody was terribly cooperative," says Hopper. "But you should have seen some of those boys run!"

Adding further fuel to the fire was a potentially controversial racial corrollary. Explains Hopper, "It was obvious from the earliest stages of the study that the larger a man's penis, the greater the fear reflex in response to the snake. That African-American men had larger penises than other groups we measured came as no surprise, since they responded most dramatically to the presence of the snake."

Prominent black leaders have denounced the study as racist and insulting. Reached for comment, the Rev. Jesse Jackson dismissed Hopper's findings as "voodoo anthropology posturing as behavioral science."

Hopper smiles at the charge. "I don't know what everybody's so upset about. This simply validates what we've known all along, that black men have larger penises and are terrified of snakes. I don't see what's wrong with that. Nobody likes snakes and everyone wants a bigger penis. They should be happy!"

WORST-TASTING SUBSTANCE ?

The world's worst-tasting substance is believed to be a 4% solution of carbon hydride nitride (HCN), though this is difficult to ascertain as ingestion causes immediate death

DISCLAIMER: The National Peeper is not an authentic news publication. All articles are intended as satire, and any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Except where noted, all material contained on this website is intellectual property of the National Peeper and its author(s), who are solely responsible for its content. Protected under U.S. and international copyright law. The animated blinking eye is the official trademark of the National Peeper. Most images contained in this publication are in the public domain and may be freely used, however certain photographs may be subject to copyright. Articles may be reprinted , provided the National Peeper is cited as the original source. For more information, contact us.