BRUSSELS - In an astounding top-secret experiment, Belgian
doctors this week used a new 'miracle drug' to successfully re-animate the flaccid sexual organ of a 2,000-year-old
bog dweller. Scientists the world over are hailing the discovery as a spectacular medical breakthrough.
The remains of the ancient bog man--almost perfectly
preserved by nearly two millenia of immersion in the chemical-rich marshes of Denmark--moved, groaned, and sustained
a measurable erection for nearly 35 seconds, witnesses say. The ancient man then passed into unconsciousness and died.
"It was breathtaking," exclaims Dr. Farfala Farfalafalafer,
the Indian biochemist who first discovered the amazing drug, Erectizol. "The enzyme succeed beyond our wildest
expectations."
Over the last several decades, a number
of near-perfectly preserved bodies of ancient bog dwelling humans have been recovered from the marshes of Denmark. This
particular specimen, nicknamed "Otto," was selected for the experiment due to his remarkable state of preservation.
"After infusing the corpus with a solution of buffered
nutrients," explained Farfalafalafer, "we administered a mild electrical current and were able to detect brainwave activity."
Once the tissues had become pliant and the nervous
system stabilized, Farfalafalafer injected the body with Erectizol and instructed his attractive research assistant,
Ingrid, to begin removing her clothing. When nothing happened, Farfalafalafer's first thought was that the experiment
had failed.
"She was all the way down to her bra and panties, and
still there was no response--an unusual reaction, to say the least, for a man who hasn't seen a live woman in 2,000 years.
Then Dr. Trier walked into the room."
A handsome Dane with blonde hair and blue
eyes, Dr. Paul Trier was as surprised as everybody else by the unexpected response from Otto.
"Instantly, the bog man began to squirm on the table,"
Farfalafalafer continues. "As we watched in stunned silence, the penis began to swell, became engorged, and remained
at full tumescence for just over 30 seconds."
The excitement apparently was too much for the
ancient man. Moments later he groaned, sighed, and passed into unconsciousness. All attempts at revival were
unsuccessful.
"This is a great moment for medicine," Farfalafalafer
gushes. "This will mean new hope for millions of impotent men. If we can produce this effect in a man who's been
dead for 2,000 years, think what effect Erectizol will have on a living human subject."
