Topeka, KS – Of the estimated 2.1 billion
Christians worldwide, most believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross in atonement for the sins of mankind. Not
so, says the Rev. Fred Phelps, pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas. According to Phelps, Christ
was crucified because he was gay.
“Jesus didn't die for our sins,” said Phelps
in a recent interview. "That's the big lie. Jesus was crucified because he was a faggoty-assed queer.
In fact, he's burning in hell as we speak.”
Phelps is no stranger to controversy. Members of his church have attracted
widespread media attention in recent years for their inflammatory anti-homosexual rhetoric and in-your-face tactics,
usually involving public demonstrations at the funerals of GIs killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. According to Phelps,
the casualties are God's punishment for America's increasing acceptance of homosexuality.
"For verily I say
unto you," quotes Phelps, "thou shalt not go unto thy brother in the fullness of his nakedness, nor shall he come
unto you but that thy loins be girded round about. And if thou goest into a room with a man and he be naked, depart
from there. Do not look upon thy brother's nakedness, nor show thyself to thy brother in the fullness of thine own nakedness
lest ye be tempted.
"It's all in the scriptures," explains Phelps. “Anointest thou
not a naked man with oil, or if ye go unto thy brother to anoint him with oil and he be uncovered, go away from there and
rend thy garments lest ye fall into shame.”
As evidence that Christ was gay, Phelps cites the crucifixion.
"Why would God have turned his back on his only begotten son unless Jesus
was a fag?", Phelps asks. "God hates fags! By crucifying Jesus, the Romans & the Jews were simply acting
as the instruments of God. If they hadn't done it, somebody else would of. If he was standing in that
doorway right now, I'd get a gun and shoot that sonofabitch deader'n hell!"
Most theologians take a different view, citing Christ's alleged celibacy. Some,
such as retired Episcopal bishop John Shelby Spong, suggest that if anything, Christ was probably heterosexual, and may even
have had a more than platonic affection for Mary Magdalene.
"She was a fag hag!", exclaims Phelps. "This was a bunch
of men hanging around in their bathrobes, anointing each other with oil--oiling each other up--washing each other's
feet, which is what fags do before they butt-hump each other. When Jesus said turn the
other cheek, he wasn't talking about face cheeks!"
As further evidence of Christ's homosexuality, Phelps cites the Last Supper.
"It says in the Bible that Jesus told his disciples to eat his flesh, which is an abomination in the sight of God!
"The Bible says, fill not thy brother's mouth with thy flesh, nor shalt thine
own mouth be filled with thy brother's flesh, for these are the firstfruits of wickedness. Neither shalt thou cleave unto a womanly man, nor go unto his loins, or fill his mouth with thy flesh, for
this is an abomination unto the Lord. And whosoever shall spill the juices of his sin into his brother's mouth shall
be worthy of damnation, and whosoever shall taketh the juices of his brother's sin into his own mouth shall suffer hellfire,
for God is a jealous god!"
Phelps furthermore suggests that anybody who worships Christ is most
likely homosexual as well. "Billy Graham & Jerry Falwell are both burning in hell
right now because they loved faggots," he explains. "Why else would they have spent so much time worshipping a faggot?"
Phelps' most surprising criticism, however, is reserved for God himself.
"God doesn't seem to be doing much about the fags," Phelps says disapprovingly. "He's
my heavenly father and I love him, but I've already warned him that he'd better watch his step, because even God
Almighty isn't immune to the fires of hell."
