UNITED NATIONS - In a dramatic appearance today before the United Nations, Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi called for full-scale U.S. air strikes against Japan, citing guilt over WWII war atrocities and a feeling of national worthlessness in the wake of that country's recent financial troubles.  Koizumi urged swift military action as a merciful end to Japan's emotional and financial woes.

   "We are a miserable, worthless people," explained an emotional Koizumi.  "We can never expect the world to forgive us for the rape of Nanking, the Bataan death march, or the flashing twelve on the digital displays of VCRs.  It is only after our people and technology have been reduced to ash that Japan, and the rest of the world, may at last find peace."

    Koizumi's unprecedented statement caused an immediate furor, sending alarmed diplomats scrambling to find a peaceful resolution.

    UN Secretary General Kofi Annan cautioned against overreaction to the announcement, urging member nations to exercise restraint and sensitivity during Japan's latest crisis. 

   "To destroy Japan would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem," said Annan.  "I know they are not happy with themselves, however as a nation they have much to offer, and it would be a great tragedy to wipe them off the map."

    Koizumi disagreed:  "It's more than just our terrible human rights record during the Sino-Japanese War and World War II.  It has to do with our self-esteem.  Take our technology, for example.  We're very good at taking other people's ideas and making them better, however we've never had an original idea of our own.  That gets to you after awhile."

    At the White House, President Bush called an impromptu press conference during which he expressed shock and sadness.

   "Our Japanese friends must understand that in spite of their past crimes and their seeming inability to master the English language, there will always be a place for them in the international community."

    Asked whether he was considering military action, Bush declined comment.  "We're taking a wait and see attitude.  At this point, the ball is pretty much in their court."

    At the Pentagon, news of the request for airstrikes was met with guarded optimism. 

   "Japan is not a large country in terms of geographic area," explained Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, "but they've got an enormous population.  We're not talking about a few surgical strikes like we had in Afghanistan, but the wholesale immolation of an entire race of people.  That's not the sort of operation one undertakes lightly or without a great deal of planning."