Waiting on wings
spun of dreams
of crystal
of time.
I am waiting for you
to catch me
to hold me
to change.
You hurt me in silence
in anger
in words
in love.
The pain is too much
too far
too gone
I cry.
I reached too far
hoped too much
hoped against hate
for you to see.
You cannot hear my soul
my heart
my mind
me.
And in not hearing
not being heard
I have no choice
but to fade away.
                --Love Hurts, by K. Huntsman


X: A Love Ballad
by Kristin Huntsman
Part 1

        Subaru lay on the bed, the loose, rumpled sheets draped over him as 
he watched Seishirou getting dressed.  Black hair drifted over his 
shoulders, eight years' worth of growth spilling it down his back and onto 
the white cloth.  His chin rested on his crossed arms at the foot of the 
bed; his eyes dreamed.
        Seishirou paused as he looked at his lover, smiling in appreciation 
of the picture he made on the bed.  "You're tempting me, Subaru-kun."
        The far-away half-smile of Subaru's eyes didn't change, merely 
extended to curve his lips in an gentle, enigmatic smile.  "Oh?"  The 
softness of his voice, the very distance of how far away he seemed, made 
the knot of want in Seishirou feel tighter.  He knew there were parts of 
Subaru that had slipped out of his reach on the Last Day, and he could 
never stop trying to find them again, to touch them.
        /Oh, Subaru-kun, you've lost so much of yourself... it feels to me 
like half your heart's gone..../
        "Well, I could call in sick," Seishirou offered, casually sitting 
down on the bed beside Subaru.  "I could spend the day with you."
        "You could," Subaru agreed, his voice holding the too-familiar note 
of distraction that he seemed never quite aware of.  "Do you want to?"
        Seishirou brushed the silky black hair over Subaru's shoulder and 
kissed the back of the Sumeragi's neck.  "How long will you let yourself 
die?" he questioned, resting his cheek against the smooth white skin.  
"Will it ever be summer again for your heart?"
        There was a moment of soft winter silence before Subaru replied, 
his voice distant and quiet, "There is a price for everything."

        The part of Subaru that hated wanted to kill.  Subaru ignored that, 
gently pushed it away, keeping himself at arm's length.  That was the price 
he had to pay for peace, for Seishirou-san.  It had hurt a good deal the 
first couple years, dividing his self and always blocking it off.  He 
didn't believe Seishirou knew.  He had only cried his burning tears long 
after Seishirou had fallen asleep.  He'd gotten quite used to crying in 
utterly still silence.  Lately, though, that pain had begun to fade.
        So had he.
        The warm weight of Seishirou against him was a comfort, but an 
emptying one.  Subaru wondered if Seishirou could see that he was dying.  
Probably not.  And a small part of Subaru wondered at times if there was 
anything he could do, but found nothing to prevent his death.  So he 
accepted the limit on his time and lived as he had been living.
        He read a little more these days, though.  Poetry.  Philosophy.  
The stories and articles he wrote focused a little more on finding lasting 
truths.  He knew he was getting ready to die, pushed that gently aside 
too.  He just let himself experience the faintness that all of living had 
come to be for his inner self.  And he listened, waiting to hear his sister 
telling him to come to her.
        There was a soft tap on the door just then, breaking his quiet 
thoughts, and Seishirou-san sat up, leaving a warm hand on Subaru's bare 
back as he called, "Come in, Nataku."
        The door opened soundlessly under Nataku's hand and it came into 
their room fully.  "I hope I'm not interrupting..." it began.
        "Not at all," Seishirou replied.  "Did you want something?"
        "Umm..." their apartmentmate stammered, "I was wondering...."  It 
turned red and studied the floor.  "I was wondering about sex."
        "Why?" Subaru asked, feeling like oceans of distance were 
separating him from the room, from the two others in it.  That was strange, 
but not too bad.  Was this dying, then?  He hadn't expected it quite so 
soon.  But not just yet.  Dying without before Seishirou and Nataku would 
be rude, and it wouldn't do the fragile blond biseinen any good.  Later, 
when Seishirou-san had gone to work and Nataku was listening to music in 
its room... then, perhaps.  He focused and centered on what they were 
saying.
        "Umm... the ladies at the club were talking about it..." Nataku 
replied to his question.
        Subaru heard Seishirou's frown in his voice.  "What did they say, 
Nataku?"  They had had one of their rare arguments, he and Seishirou-san, 
over Nataku's place of employment.  Nataku "Imonoyama" worked waiting 
tables at a club.  It was a menial job, but Nataku had so wanted to try to 
be more human that it insisted it was okay.  Subaru had agreed; Seishirou 
had tried to urge Nataku to attend school instead.
        The Imonoyama Foundation paid for Nataku, as they always had.  
Nokoru, though, when he visited them, never seemed to regard Nataku as the 
"thing" or "experiment" that the scientists who had raised Nataku, if it 
could be called raising, had.  The job resulted in little more than pocket 
money for the bioroid, as did Subaru's and Seishirou's for them.  The 
apartment and their monthly bills were paid before they even received the 
notification for them.  All courtesy of the Imonoyamas.

        "They were just talking about it, and I was... curious."  Nataku 
was now a shade of crimson that Seishirou found quite charming.
        "Ah.  I see."  He looked down at his lover, at the hazy green 
eyes.  "Shall we satisfy Nataku's curiosity, Subaru-kun?"
        "... Hai."  The answer was too soft, too weak, too giving.  It 
worried Seishirou.  More than he wanted to admit.  But he knew that 
Subaru-kun had understood what he meant.  When they had nothing else to 
talk about, they talked about Nataku, and they had both known the day would 
come when their friend would ask about sex.
        He held out his hand.  "Nataku, would you come here?"
        "Hai, Seishirou-san."  Nataku crossed the room.
        "Subaru-kun and I have discussed this before now, Nataku, and we 
would like to introduce you to sex not by telling you about it--that you 
can get out of a book--but by including you in it."

        Nataku felt a shock go through it.  Seishirou-san and Subaru-san 
would...?!  But they were partners, and such a thing was not usually shared 
among humans, was it?  Monogamy seemed to be the average during a human 
relationship, by its observations.  Certainly Seishirou-san and Subaru-san 
had been monogamous since they had all moved into this apartment eight 
years before.
        "Won't it damage your relationship?" it asked worridly.
        Seishirou-san just smiled.  And Subaru-san asked softly, teasing, 
"What relationship?"
        Nataku looked at Subaru-san and worried more than a bit.  Something 
was wrong with the former onmyouji, it could tell.  It was like 
Subaru-san's inner life force was becoming translucent, when it looked with 
the Power.  Subaru-san was just fading away.  And it didn't understand why 
that should be so, only that it was just a very thin thread that held 
Subaru-san's soul to his body.
        Nataku had become sensitive to souls since Kazuki's had departed 
its body.  There was no hope, no fight left in Subaru-san's.  It would give 
almost anything to prevent Subaru-san from losing his soul too....
        "All right," it agreed, and let Seishirou-san draw it to the bed.

                             *       *       *

        Some time later, Subaru listened to heartbeats and watched 
Nataku.  The frail blond was curled next to Seishirou, its head resting on 
his shoulder as they both dreamed in sweet sleep.  The pairing somehow 
looked good to Subaru, the white hair matching well with the black, one's 
innocence complimenting the other's lack.  That was something he'd 
comprehended over the years, the facts that Nataku was utterly naive and 
Seishirou had never *known* innocence, at least not until he'd met Subaru.
        /I was such a child,/ he thought, letting his heart still, his 
thoughts drifting.  /And now I'm somewhere between the two of them.  White 
and black, and I'm gray.  Oh, Hokuto-chan..../
        /I've forgotten nothing.  The next head of the Sumeragis is chosen, 
orders stand not to pursue Seishirou-san, and I have nothing left 
unfinished.  I think that Nataku will grow to fill whatever void I leave 
behind, now.  It's done, and I'm so empty.  Time to go home./
        He stood, sliding out of the bed, and looked down upon the two for 
a moment.  His lips formed the words to say that he loved them, but the 
words came out silent.  He shrugged on a robe, then left the room, closing 
the door softly behind him.
        The living room was still, early-afternoon sunlight spilling in the 
window, catching on motes of dust floating in the air, turning the room 
gold.  He sat down on the sofa, then tilted over until he was laying down 
on his side.  He could hear his twin's voice now, calling his name.
        /Subaru..../
        Thirteen years without his sister.  All he wanted was to be held in 
her arms.
        He closed his eyes and waited for her to touch him.
        He'd given up onmyoujutsu on the Last Day, as he had given up the 
parts of himself that anchored him.  Seishirou-san had also given up the 
Art.  That was his price to pay for peace; they had both understood that.
        /Subaru..../
        Closer.  He could almost feel his twin's energy, her liveliness.
        He had still been head of the Sumeragis, but he had delegated his 
responsibilities to another; his task had turned to keeping Sakurazukamori 
contained, and they all knew that.  It hurt, but everything hurt at one 
point or another.
        "Subaru-san?"
        Nataku.
        He hadn't wanted the biseinen to witness him dying.  It was too 
private of an act to be viewed.  But now that it was happening, something 
occurred to him.
        He'd never given Nataku a truly worthwhile gift, and now he was 
expecting Nataku to take care of Seishirou-san for him.
        Nataku wanted a soul, an immortality.
        Subaru was dying, and no longer had a use for his.
        Nataku's fingers touched his forehead.  "Subaru-san?" it asked 
again, worry in its voice.

        Nataku /was/ worried.  There was something terribly wrong with 
Subaru-san, it knew, and it didn't know how to fix it.  The link was so 
weak between his soul and his body that a breath would break it.  And the 
heart had almost stopped beating.
        ... It couldn't let Subaru-san die.
        "Subaru-san!" it cried, shaking his body a little, trying to get 
him to open his eyes, to wake up a little, to not die.

        It snapped him back into his body, the shake, and Subaru opened his 
eyes into the dream.  Nataku was looking down on him, expression frantic.  
He managed a small smile for Nataku.  "Don't tell Seishirou-san," he 
whispered.

                             *       *       *

        //...The words are sweet, and you like to hear them once in a 
while, but that doesn't mean they're true....//
        Nataku listened to the lyrics of the song, somehow unhappy and 
confused.  It didn't, couldn't, understand why Subaru-san was coming so 
close to dying.  There was nothing wrong with his body... so why had he 
nearly died?  It hadn't taken him long to recover after Nataku had woken 
him, and he had gone on like normal since then, but....
        Nataku buried its head in its hands, not understanding.  It 
couldn't understand why Subaru-san was dying.  It couldn't understand why 
he had asked it not to tell Seishirou-san.  It didn't understand why its 
heart hurt and it wanted to cry when it thought about Subaru-san being gone 
forever.  Nataku just didn't understand any of it!
        //...I listen to your tears and feel your pain, but being empathic 
and being in love aren't the same....//
        Nataku hurt, as it hadn't hurt since the one who had so resembled 
Kazuki's beloved father had died.  As it had not hurt since Kazuki's soul 
had left it.  It hurt.
        Willing itself not to give in to the pain and cry, Nataku moved to 
the telephone in its room and dialed one of the numbers it knew by heart.  
It slumped down against the wall and waited until the other end was picked 
up.  It could hear, over the quiet music, Subaru-san in the kitchen, where 
he was taking his turn making dinner.  "Nokoru-san?" it asked the person on 
the other end.  "Please, if you're not too busy... could you help me 
understand something?"
        //...I reach out my hand, fearing the pain, and my love and my hate 
mingle and dance....//

                             *       *       *

        Nokoru listened to Nataku's quiet voice and closed his eyes.  So it 
had come to this, finally.  He'd known long ago that it would....
        "Nataku, I'll come over and see what I can do, okay?" he asked, 
trying to reassure the gentle, fragile bioroid.  "Don't worry, it will be 
okay...."
        He made appropriate soothing noises until Nataku calmed down 
enough--it not being nearly as good at concealing its panicked state as 
either of its housemates might be--and then waited for Nataku to hang up 
before doing likewise.  /It's finally come to Subaru's suicide attempt..../
        "Nokoru-san?"
        He looked up at Akira's soft inquiry.  "That was Nataku," he 
explained to Akira and Suoh.  "It was worried about Subaru... more like 
panicking, actually.  And Nataku doesn't even understand what Subaru was 
doing...."
        He got a certain amount of pleasure out of seeing the color drain 
from their faces at that.  Not much; the situation was too serious.  But 
some.  They'd understood what he'd meant perfectly well.
        "Tell me he didn't succeed," Akira said.
        Nokoru sighed.  "He didn't... this time.  But from what I 
understand, it was a very near thing.  Too near."
        "And you're going to go over there to talk to him?" Suoh said as 
Nokoru stood from his desk and pushed the chair in.
        Nokoru met his gaze evenly.  "He's a good friend, Suoh.  You know 
that."  What was unspoken was that at one point, Nokoru had been in love 
with the ex-onmyouji.  It didn't need to be spoken.  "And you would do the 
same thing."
        "Yes, I would.  So would Ijyuin.  Nokoru-san...."  Suoh hesitated, 
seeming uncomfortable with being this worried.
        Nokoru smiled.  "I'll be out for the rest of the day, Suoh.  You'll 
just have to get me to finish the paperwork tomorrow!"

                                *Tsuzuku...*