Boyband Rants:
March 2001 Archive
2nd March 2001 - "Be valiant, knight, and true."
...I just watched the Oprah segment from the other day, the one with Jon and Jordan Knight on it. I'm so sorry, Jon....
I've admired Jonathan Knight for a long time. He was always the steady, quiet one of the group... then later he managed to completely disappear from the public eye... and now he tells why, on national TV. Seeing him in the middle of a panic attack hurt. I've had precisely one panic attack in my life. I never want to have another. I can't imagine what it takes to live like that... and to have the courage to overcome it enough to appear on television talking about it.... Wow.
There are some things you discover that will echo through you for a long time. Seeing someone I so admire quaking with fear like that, I think, is one for me.
Of levity and sorrow. My new fishtank is set up (need a few more plants and a decorative rock or two, but for now it's cool) and my mother bought me six fancy new goldfish to keep Sparky company. Out of self-amusement and Thea's planting the idea in my head, they all have boy-bandie names. Lance (calico ryukin), Curly (oranda), D (black moor with gold belly), Trevor (black moor), Jordan (orange-and-white ryukin), and Ashley (white ryukin with a trio of red spots). The tank's twenty-nine gallons, though, so I'll eventually get a few more. I think the next one will be named Jon.
Oh, scanned a couple of pix from O-town's concert. I have one more that I need to re-scan, will be up soon. In the meantime, here's all five of them, and a shot missing Ashley. Like I said, need a better camera.
Waiting for my *N Sync tix to arrive. And... I think that's about it!
5th March 2001 - "Are all your dreams in Technicolor?"
First, a (maybe) interesting set of dreams I had a few nights ago. Dream #1 was about the girl group Dream. I went to a signing when their album first came out, and have since noticed that a "J.Knight" gets credit for some of their songs on that album, as well as the fact that there's a track named "Jordan" which has a man's voice on it. Bets, hedge thee not. The dream was that I was on ~3 empty IRC channels (I remember that one of them was #dreamgirls...) when they came on, doing a group chat. So I asked them if that was Jordan Knight they were working with. Regrettably, I woke up before getting an answer. It started me playing the degrees game, though. Dream opened for *N Sync on their last tour, and Jordan has also opened for *N Sync. *N Sync got their "big break" opening for Britney Spears, and NKOTB got theirs opening for Tiffany. I do maintain that *N Sync is the direct inheritor/successor of NKOTB... their style is similar, their composition is similar. Heck, they even do the two main vocalists thing. [Game: JC=Jordan, Justin=Joey, Chris=Donnie, Joey=Danny, and Lance=Jon?] BSB are a bit different and are arching and shaping themselves down a different path. Pseudo-relatedly, apparently Tiffany recently performed at my college. I found out afterwards, reading about it in the school paper... damn, wish I'd known! She mentioned in the interview that her favorite boyband member is Lance, but that she wasn't sure it counted, as they're friends.
Dream #2 was a touch different. *N Sync in the middle of a street, being converged on by screaming fans. They look at each other, JC says "42... hike!" like in a football game, and they all split up in pre-determined directions (having to do with the street numbers they took being the roots of 42... don't ask me where my subconscious comes up with this) to get back to the hotel. For some reason my mental camera followed Chris. Similarity of name, the reputation of hyper behavior, who knows? He ducked into a empty lingerie store and hid behind the counter while the screaming horde ran past. And then I woke up. I know it must've been an old dream, 'coz Chris had his hair in braids.
Also signed up for a few NKOTB MLs at yahoogroups. Will see how (as an experiment) that goes. Expect further reports.
Of privy things. My kareshi did not know I'd ever suffered a panic attack, and this omission concerns him. I made my excuse of parts... I am made up of ten parts. I don't know all of them, but I do know fox, cat, dragon, and human are in there. And like a cat, when something's wrong with me, it's no one's business, right? My usual double standard. It's actually not so flippant as that. It's like the joke from The Pretender episode I caught on Friday. "So, Syd, how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?" "Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change." No one can affect my behavior but myself. Physical health I'm not stupid about; I go to doctors when I get sick. Things that come from without I can talk to people about. And expounding on my opinions is easy (English majors gotta, so there). But talking about the darker moments and aspects of my psychology... don't like it. It's no one's business but mine. My mind is private, right? But I love him, and he loves me, so doesn't that give my boyfriend, or any of the close friends I care for, the right to know about me? I dunno. Family is one thing. I'm very lucky (and I know it) to have been born into a family as warm and caring and accepting as mine, and I can and do talk to my mother about any and everything. Is it a matter of trust? Kai wrote it as, "Trust is a process, not an event." And what does it say about me that I'm putting this paragraph up on my page where my friends and lover can and will presumably read it? Random poetry of the new month:
When you get so lonely in your head,
seeing none of your friends for a very long time,
you start talking to yourself
enacting the scenarios you run through so often.
The universal question: am I okay, am I sane?
The universal problem: feeling
segregated
separated
cut off
from other people.
"No one understands me."
But on the other side there is strength,
warmth,
love.
The bonds between people,
--hearts--
can grow so strong that not even death
(or its unknown space beyond)
can sever, set them asunder.
Set aside the universal illusion.
Step into the light.In the tank: got a rock today with a swim-through sized to my goldfish, and two more ryukin, named Jon and Kaos. Unless I can find a veiltail, I think the tank is now complete. D, Trevor, Ashley, and Lance all seem to have a touch of ick, with Lance having it the worst, so I put some meds in the tank last night. Hope it'll clear up for them. Oh--got the single of Britney Spears' "Stronger." I think it should frighten me that I've become a person who buys Britney singles. But then, I've never claimed to have any kind of discretion in my tastes. I find it injurious to myself that I have to joke to my friends that I have no taste just 'coz I like pop music. I mean, I know the cattle rule applies, but just because something is popular doesn't automatically mean it's trash, does it? And so what if I like pop and they like "higher" things like Mylene Farmer and Tori Amos? Don't I have a right to like the common culture I live in without it meaning that I can't like more intellectualized things as well? Why should I have to defend myself for having "low" tastes to compliment the high?
7th March 2001 - The 'Boys as Gundam pilots?
Chotto kowai. While on the hunt for a particular translation of Nietzsche's The Birth of Tragedy, I happened to browse through the bargain books at Barnes and Noble booksellers. Flipping through a BSB book, I stopped and stared at one photograph. Nick Carter wearing goggles... the exact same goggles... in exactly the same manner as Quatre Winner of Gundam Wing wears his sometimes, pushed up on the forehead. It was odd, uncanny, freaky even. At least Nick wasn't wearing the pink shirt and gray vest Quatre's routinely dressed in. I almost bought the book on the strength of that one picture. But ten dollars is a little high for me at the moment; I may get it later. 'Sides, I've indulged my boyband fetish quite a bit this week. Got *N Sync's American debut album as well as two of their singles ("I'll Never Stop" and "For the Girl Who Has Everything"). I like their version of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Much more pop than the version we did in elementary school, but very very nice. I can sing with it. ^^ I also got some of BSB's singles: "All I Have to Give," "Larger Than Life," and the Howie-, AJ-, and Kevin-shaped German discs. The last two I found for $.99 each! I have decided I very, very much like that particular music store. ^^
But... BSB as GW boys. Nick as Quatre... Kevin as Hiiro? AJ, reputed to be loquacious, would surely be Duo. But Brian and Howie, which roles would they take? Trowa the emotionally damaged acrobat and Wufei the justice boy... it's a stretch for either of them, from their reputations, to take either role. But, then, it's still a stretch for me to identify Howie with fire, regardless of the Millenium elemental photos. Perhaps Brian would be Wufei (appropriate due to Wufei's backstory with Meiran) and Howie would be Trowa (for the limelight factor and the sister devotion). Harder'n I thought to draw those lines.
Lance the goldfish died today. It wasn't completely unexpected... he hadn't been getting any better even with me putting medication in the tank the last three nights. So he was honorably buried at sea. I'll eventually get another calico ryukin and name it "Lance II," but for now I won't. Not yet. It seems disrespectful at the moment.
Oh, and Kai posted chapter four of Second Toughest in the Infants, the story that got me into O-Town. It's slash, it's fiction, it's well-written.
11th March 2001 - Kaos Storm
Whee... TiVo'd the MTV marathon of Making The Band today. Watched some of it while reading Oe's A Personal Matter for class. I have to admit that the novel's ending surprised me. I'll watch the series in whole while dumping it onto tape later. This week, it seems, is going to be chaos on me, man! Papers on top of quizzes on top of a video to shoot, all around work, classes, and the BSB concert on Wednesday. Plus tuition and car payments and having to time it really tight on those to be able to make them. Spring term is going to drain my savings to nothing. At least I have all of Spring and Summer terms to save up again before I have to pay for Fall. And a doctor's appointment Wednesday as well. Oh goody.
This is me. This is me who is going to be out of necessity on a week-long sugar and/or chocolate buzz and binge.
Thought a bit more on the BSB-as-GW-pilots theme. Brian would be best for Quatre, I think. Which resituates Nick to be Wufei. That... could work, I think. Not writin' it, though.
And... oh, fuck it. It's not FAIR. I'm doing everything the books say to do and I'm still losing fish. Trevor is gone, and then D, and now Curly and Ashley. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I can't figure it out. I don't want them to die. I'm crying over goldfish. Is that right?
14th March 2001 - Me, BSB, and several thousand fans
It's not every group who starts their show with the utter destruction of the planet. It was a chilling entry to a vaugely environmentally-themed show. I am, of course, talking about the Backstreet Boys' concert in LA this evening. I had never been inside the Staples Center before; walking into the arena was suitably impressive. I felt kinda sorry for those fans waaaaay up there. [points off into vertical distance] My seat wasn't on the floor but on the first tier in the stands. Not too bad, could've been much worse.
The group's opening act was Krystal, and I gotta say... I want her CD! She has got quite a set of pipes, and I like the pieces she performed. She even knows how to tease the audience. Tormented 'em with AJ's water bottle. ^^
Then BSB bombarded the planet (and stage) with meteorites via fireworks and very trippy sound effects. I'm not sure it worked quite the way they desired... seeing the entire Earth burn like that despressed me. Which may be why I think "Everyone" lacked in choreography. That was followed (inevitably) by "Larger Than Life"... glad I guessed right on that. They're both songs to/for the audience, opening songs, and I was wondering which of them would come first. Then came "Shining Star," followed by Howie D's "What Makes You Different (Makes You Beautiful)," which is, imo, one of the best love songs I've ever heard. It's simple, it's universally accessible... what more than that is there to comprise true beauty? Then came A.J.'s "Yes I Will" tailed by a beautifully framed "More Than That"... the 'Boys standing on the scaffolding on the back of the stage while fog poured over the stage itself and swan-like dancers arose and fell out of the mists. Though I have to wonder, what was up with Nick's one glove?
Next up was "I Want It That Way"... if you get a chance, keep your eyes on Howie and Kevin, who remain on the scaffolding. Their moves are subtle but very amusing. "Not For Me" was my favorite performance of the evening... fire theme in costumes and stage props and background screens. It was just on so far as everything was concerned. After fire comes water, which was the theme of "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely." As often as I've heard it, that song remains very powerful. I came very close to crying. Then, for a change of pace, fun and games occured. Y'know that picture in their Official Book about how many BSB can you fit into one phone booth (British)? Well, now it's "how many BSB can you fit into one wardrobe trunk?" And, like Mary Poppins' carpet bag, the more you put in, the more can apparently go in. Brian first, then Nick, then Howie. At which point, A.J. made a remark that this was how it was always supposed to be--the Kevin and A.J. show. Then "beauty before age," Aidge went in the trunk too. Train closed the lid on him and sat on it. ^^ Eventually he went in as well, the cameras following to see what happens in the BSB understage dressing room. Silly string and stuffed animals later, they reappeared... on the other side of the stadium! Turns out the seats on the floor were all over staging and there was a riser on the other side, with a bridge coming down from above to connect the two.
So, now on the other side and a bit closer to me, the five sang "I Promise You (With Everything I Am)", followed by Howie's other ballad, "How Did I Fall In Love With You" and (as they crossed the bridge back to the main stage) "Time." Then they took a few minutes out to mention their various causes and that part of the ticket costs would go to benefit them. I hadn't realized before that "The Answer To Our Life" was an environmental song. I will have to relisten to it with that knowledge. Then came "All I Have To Give" and a song I didn't recognize, followed by "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" and "Get Another Boyfriend," the latter having excellent choreography. Then came "The Call" and finally (as an "encore") "Shape Of My Heart."
There... blow-by-blow done, I enjoyed the concert. Some of their costumes were fun, some were things I'd personally pass on. Howie should not wear a headband, but it looks good on A.J. (whose hair is now in corn rows) and I do want to know what was up with the Nick and one glove thing... not just once, but two different gloves! He trying to be Michael Jackson or something? I'm annoyed that the parking and programs were both $20. But I got my Howie-bear! Waa, kawaii! And the money goes to a good cause--The Dorough Lupus Foundation.
I'm ruffled that very few people, it seems, came for the music. Kinda cheezes me off to see the lust principle that blatantly in place. Not that I can't admire a fine body, mind you, but... is that what it's about? "When it stops being about yourself and starts being about the music, then you are illuminated and filled with life." Flipping stunning as their dancers were, I went for the music, for the inspiration. Yeah, I know, it's the wrong kind of music for that, but I was still almost moved to tears. Mebbe I'm just odd. Umm, any other criticisms? The sound system was horrible. All bass and static. I've never heard their speaking voices sound like that before. And not a critique, but at one point Nick and A.J. shared a water bottle. Be still, my hentai mind. Indirect kisses! :p Also, I could've brought a camera. But given the ones I have to chose from and my distance from the stage, it wouldn't really have been to much purpose. Still, by July (*N Sync concert) and August (Black & Blue hits LA, take 2), maybe I'll have somethin' decent. Oh yeah... tonight's concert was filmed. It'll be on CBS in a few months. Woohoo--teepu wo shimasu!
I am down to zero goldfish now. They've ALL died. Best I can suspect is that one of them was a typhoid Mary and all the others contracted what it had.
And whee, I got shots today! Three of them and a blood sample. Have I mentioned I hate needles?
In any case, way late and I have class tomorrow/today. So, oyasumi nasai, and to the Backstreet Boys, on the unlikely chance that any of them ever read this... thank you for the music.
29th March 2001 - Spring Break
Hola~! It's been a while since I've scribed on this page. Between finals and recovering from them, I guess I just haven't had a whole lot of time or too much to say. I got my first mail about this site today (well, first mail that wasn't from a friend). Thanks for writing to me, Vanessa! I wasn't aware that this page was being read by anyone aside from those friends concerned about my mental health. So, as they say, "Backstreet's Back!"
More dreams. Before the BSB concert I'd had one where I was just hanging with Nick at the airport for some reason. He nearly missed his flight. ^^; The night of the concert, I had another dream... I was just sitting in the stands after all of the crowd had left, and Kevin, followed by Nick, came through the seats heading for the exit behind me. I told Kevin as he passed that I had thought the show had been great. Perfectionist-like, he didn't look like he believed me. I told Nick that I thought that he was a good writer--good enough to be professional if he wanted. (I do believe that.) He turned back to face me when I said that, with this stunned look on his face. End of dreamings.
The concert half-ended my theory of boy-band members being images, unreal, plastic people. I still cling to it, but I admit that in reality they're actual living, breathing individuals. But I reserve the right to disbelieve in them until I get to experience actual physical within-ten-feet contact! :)
Quite weird... the day after the concert, I was on campus walking between two of my classes when *WHAM!* illumination hit. Delayed effect of the concert. It scares me a little, because illumination is so happy, so clear, so perfect. I didn't realize art could so deeply effect the audience as well as the artist, 'coz I'm very usually only in the position of the artist. And it disturbs me, giving that kind of power over myself away to an entity (BSB) that does not even know I exist.
Public and private personae. I do wonder a little bit about them. Some about *N Sync, some about O-Town or the former 'Kids, but mostly about BSB. I suppose they're my favorite group, though I couldn't say why. Probably because they're the ones ([irony]Thank you AGAIN, Priya![/irony]) I was introduced to first. And I wonder about all of them. But for some reason it's easiest to wonder about Nick. It's hardest to pin down "who" he is (aside from, with Brian, the "cute one"/"heartthrob"). I mean, it's got to be rough, going through high school in hotels. There've been the rumored problems with his parents, the fact that he occasionally refers to himself as shy and apparently tries to keep his personal life just that--personal. Yet the man is an internationally famous musician. I wonder if he's one of those who is lost? If so, I hope he finds himself. More than that, though, I feel, he probably is a private person who loves singing and making music, probably enjoys the fame some of the time, but doesn't want to be famous at home. He just wants to be able to take off that coat and be Nick Carter once in a while, without the paparazzi and squealing teenies. He looks cute in glasses and while I have -zero- doubts that he loves his siblings, I have to wonder what his first reaction was to first Aaron, then Leslie, following him into show business. In twenty years, I suspect, people will be casting mild jokes about the Carter siblings. I freely admit that I haven't picked up, and currently have little intention of picking up, either Aaron or Leslie's CDs. Despite Nick having done some writing on at least the latter.
As a note... not all the fish died. Kaos alone recovered from the illness. So for now he swims solitary. Eventually he'll get some friends. Anyhow, that's all for now. Thundercats, ho!
