Nick had known for half of forever that all the world's shit happened around him. That theory certainly explained his reflection. Frowning, he threaded a hand through his hair and pulled upwards. The dark blonde strands (not nearly as bleached as the media would have everyone believe, thank you very much) sifted through his fingers, feather-fine, and fell back down again. Okay, the hair worked. The glasses.... He tilted his head to one side. The glasses weren't too bad. A slightly different shape might be better. They didn't sit on his nose quite as comfortably anymore, sliding down. He'd need to get a new pair or three. Well, he could afford them.
Steadying himself, he looked down.
He blinked and leaned forward.
Oh good, his feet were still there.
He hefted one breast in his hand. It overflowed.
What the fuck was that line from that Melanie Griffith-Sigourney Weaver flick, umm, Working Girl? "A body built for sin and a brain built for business"? Some shit like that, anyway. Well, one of two wasn't bad, right?
Nick looked into his eyes in the mirror.
Blue stared back.
He hadn't cried when they discovered what Lou'd been doing to them behind their backs. He certainly wasn't going to cry over this.
Angel's Tailspin
a Girl!Nick story
part 1
by K. Huntsman
posted 23rd August 2001
After finding clothes that fit (fuck, he'd shrunk... bet he was barely bigger than Howie now), Nick made a plan. It involved food first and then calling someone to help him figure out what to do. He couldn't do this alone. He'd been part of a group for too long. Which made it easy to figure out who to call first. Definitely not his parents. He could just imagine Jane's reaction.
So.
Brian was his first impulse, but that idea froze him. What if Brian reacted badly? Nick loved him as much as (sometimes more than) his own flesh, but.... Christian. Baptist. Nick couldn't handle Brian's rejection without a buffer. If he could handle it at all.
Kevin was his next instinct, and he went with that, picking up the phone and dialing.
"H'llo," a soft voice said as the phone was answered.
"Kristin, hi, it's Nick," he said. "Kev around?"
"Sure, just a minute," she replied. He could hear her hand muffling the receiver as she called out for her husband. "You have a cold?" she asked as she waited for Kevin to pick up.
"Um, yeah. Something like that," Nick hedged. Then Kevin was on the line.
"Talk to you later, sugar," Kristin said, hanging up.
"Damn, hanging out with you must be rubbing off on her," Nick commented.
"I hope so," Kevin said, sounding (for Kevin) smug. "What's up, Nick? Do you have a cold?" he asked.
Nick sighed. "Um, something. Kevin, can you come over here for a little bit? It's important."
"Sure. What is it?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"I'll be there in a few."
"Thanks. Um, one thing, Kev?"
"What?"
"Promise not to freak."
The doorbell rang just as Nick was finishing feeding his dogs. "Coming!" he yelled, and stood, brushing his hands against one another.
He still took a deep breath before opening the door.
"Fuck," he said, staring up at Kevin and feeling very small all of a sudden. "You're tall. How tall am I anyway?"
Kevin blinked. "Umm...."
"In here, Richardson." Nick grabbed his bandmate's arm and pulled him inside so that he could close the door. Then he planted his hands on his hips and stared up at Kevin. Up. For the first time in a very long time, up. God, this was weird. "Well?" he demanded. "How tall am I?"
Kevin was staring. "Um," he said, brilliantly deductive. "Nick?"
"Bingbingbing, we have a winner." Nick wasn't in the best mood or going about this the best way, and he knew it, but he also didn't much care. He was severely weirded out about waking up as a member of the opposite gender, and taking out his temper on one of his brothers was an ingrained behavior by now. Maybe he needed to see about changing that.
"What... the fuck... happened?" Kevin's accent thickened, a sure sign of shock or distress of some kind.
"Got me," Nick said with a shrug, his bad mood dissolving now that it was obvious someone gave a fuck about what happened to him. "I woke up like this. Didn't even do anything but have pizza and watch The Sopranos last night."
"You're a girl."
"And you're a genius." Nick reached up and flicked Kevin in the middle of the forehead. "Want something to drink?"
By noon AJ and Howie were also at Nick's house and they were just waiting for Brian to arrive. AJ'd been cool, wanting to inspect the way Nick's tattoos fit around a smaller form. Howie'd been surprised, but not the least bit upset about it, though Nick had. Fuck, he was shorter than Howie! He'd never, ever, been shorter than Howie. Never mind that it was only by like an inch and a half, he was short! SHORT!
He had to wonder how Drew Lachey felt. Because Nick felt like staying in the melodramatic sulking fit for the rest of the day. Or at least another twenty minutes.
The doorbell rang.
"You get it," he said, pointing at Howie.
"It's your house," Kevin said.
"And I've been answering the door all morning," Nick agreed.
"I'll get it," AJ said, and stood.
AJ no sooner left the room than Nick had to take another deep breath. "What if Brian freaks?" he asked really fast.
"He won't freak," Kevin, who should know Brian the best out of all of them, said. "Brian isn't capable of that."
"But he's, like, heavily religious an' stuff," Nick worried. "I'm pretty sure this isn't covered in the Bible."
"I'm Catholic," Howie pointed out.
"Yeah, and you're also Howie," Nick shot back. "Nothing fazes you."
"Nothing fazes Brian either," Kevin said, and Nick heard voices, Brian's and AJ's, coming down the hall. He closed his eyes and wished really really hard to be turned back into a guy RIGHT NOW.
"Hey, Frack," Brian said behind him, a hand in Nick's hair. "How's...." His voice trailed and Nick squeezed his eyes even tighter. "Frack?" Brian's voice was barely a breath, filled with something that couldn't quite place. It wasn't surprise or wonderment. It was almost... awe? Nick nodded. Brian moved around the back of the sofa and knelt down in front of him, legs brushing Nick's. Two hands came to the sides of Nick's face. "Open those baby blues," Brian asked, and Nick couldn't not.
Brian was smiling. "Wow. It is you."
Nick stared at him. "Will you please make some sense?"
"God creates miracles," Brian explained.
Nick blinked. "Me being turned into a girl is a miracle? You need your head examined, Frick." And AJ was laughing in the background. Even Kevin was snickering. Nick ignored them. They did not exist. Jedi Hand Gesture[tm].
"No, it's like... something like this doesn't happen unless He wants it to," Brian tried to explain further. "It happens for a reason."
"'Optomists believe we live in the best of all possible worlds; pessimists fear that is true'," Nick quoted. He flicked Brian in the forehead. "Come back and talk to me when you can help."
"Can't help the divine, Nick-ay!" AJ laughed. Nick launched a pillow and hit him dead on.
One pillow war later (with throw pillows; how appropriate) they were all sitting on the floor, warm and bemused. Even Kevin had stopped acting like a thirty-year-old.
"So," Kevin prompted.
"So," the rest of them echoed.
"What're we going to do?"
Nick leaned against Brian. "I feel short," he mourned.
"You are short," Brian replied, petting him on the head.
"Get used to it," Howie added. "Hey, I'm not the shortest anymore!"
"I'm still the cutest," Nick shot back.
"In your dreams, girly-girl," AJ told him. He pointed at Brian. "That one's the cutest." Brian smiled.
Nick stuck his tongue out. "So what, he's also married and off the market. So I'm the one all the little girls scream for."
"Not anymore," Howie said softly, and Nick's face fell.
"Yeah, guess not," he said, trying to make a laugh out of it, and failing. "Fuck." He closed his eyes.
Brian's hand soothed across Nick's forehead. "Don't worry, we'll figure out something."
"Oh good, I was starting to worry," Nick one-lined, not opening his eyes yet. "Anyone have any ideas?"
There was silence.
"You'll turn back," Howie said.
"Yeah, right," Nick scoffed.
"I'm serious," Howie said, and his voice was. They all looked at Howie. "Um, this isn't the first I've heard of something like this...."
"D, spill," commanded AJ.
Howie's lips thinned, then he nodded. "This goes no further than us, okay? I'm not even supposed to be telling you fellas."
"Fine, what?" asked Nick.
Howie waited until they'd all agreed. "*N Sync," he said succinctly.
"What about them?" Brian asked.
"It's happened to them. Chris said. It lasts a few months then you change back."
Brian's eyes went wide.
"Holy fuck," Nick swore. "And they covered this up how?"
Howie shrugged. "That I don't know about. You'd have to talk to them."
"Well," Kevin said, drawl slow, "then I guess we know what we need to do."
Nick wasn't crazy about the idea of having his house invaded by Syncs, but he had to admit they weren't the least weirded out by his sudden gender switch. And Chris had come bearing a photo album of evidence of their own.
"Christyl," he said, pointing out a photograph of a svelte figure in a black dress. Nick squinted and allowed that she might be Chris' sister. "Jacie," who was tall and skinny and wore JC's color combinations but managed to pull them off better, "Josephine," who was built, "Jamie," who had apparently happened during Lance's early days with the group, "and Julie." Nick looked at that last, then at Justin, then back.
"Poodle hair," he teased.
"Die, Carter," Justin mock-threatened back.
"So how did y'all manage to cover this up?" Brian asked. "I mean, even *we* didn't hear about it...."
"That was kinda the point," Lance replied. "We should call up Madeleine for you."
"Madeleine?" AJ asked.
"PR goddess," Joey replied, grinning. "Do it, Stealth, do it. I can't wait to see her set loose on these guys."
The Syncs' grins made all of them wary as Lance flicked open his cell phone.
"You," Madeleine declared, "are in the middle of family problems. You've chosen to drop out of sight until they're resolved."
"News to my family," Nick muttered. He had no desire to reconcile with his parents any more than he already had.
"In the meantime, you're Nicole Cartier. A cousin. Got it?"
"Sounds like a diamond queen," AJ remarked.
"Fuck off, Alex, I'm no queen."
"Princess, more like."
Nick looked around for something to hit Timberlake with, but the pillows were all on the other side of the room.
"Being a princess isn't so bad," Chris said. "Bet you by the end of this you have four men fulfilling your every whim."
"We so did not 'fulfill your every whim', Chris!" Justin scoffed.
"Who said I was talking about me, Julie," Chris replied. "I was talking about a certain fairy princess who had us all wrapped around her little finger."
Lance apparently seemed to find the ceiling fascinating.
So did JC.
Nick smirked.
"So is this contagious?" Kevin asked. "I mean, if it happened to all of y'all...."
"Seems so," Joey said, shrugging as he put down his drink. "It's not that bad, okay? You just... get to see life from the other side. Doesn't hurt with the ladies after you've turned back, if you know what I mean?"
Kevin groaned. "Kristin's going to love this."
"So's LeighAnne," Brian agreed.
Joey smirked. "Kelly didn't seem to mind."
"Neither did Dani," said Chris.
"I ain't sayin' nothin'," Justin said when they all looked at him.
"ANYHOW!" Madeleine yelled. "You, Carter! Shopping. Bras, panties. Skirts, heels. Nail polish and lipstick."
"Skirts?!" Nick demanded.
In the end, Lance went shopping with Nick. "Moral support," he said, and, "He doesn't need you asses laughing at him."
"I wouldn't laugh," Brian had protested, but in the end it was Lance alone who went with Nick.
"Thirty-four D... I think," he said, eyeing Nick's chest before picking a few bras off the racks.
"This is humiliating," Nick whispered, cheeks bright red as Lance followed him into the deserted dressing room.
"You'll get used to it," Lance assured him. "Off with the shirt."
"Lance!" Nick hissed.
Lance rolled his eyes. "I'm gay, Carter. It's not like I care."
Nick unwillingly stripped and followed Lance's instructions for how to put the bra on. "Ummm..." the tenor said, eyeing the mirror.
Lance blinked. "Pass on that one."
"I look like Madonna in her bullet bra phase," Nick said before hurridly stripping and handing the bra back to Lance. Lance hung it neatly back on the hanger.
"It's the style," he said. "Try on a different one."
When they finally left, Nick had acquired half a dozen bras and twice as many panties. Lance caught his hand as he reached for his credit card, however. "I'll get this one," he said, pulling out his own card.
"What the fuck was that about?!" Nick hissed as they left.
Lance rolled his eyes. "You really look like yourself right now, Nick. You try to use your own cards, you'll get arrested, okay?"
"Besides," Lance muttered after a pause, "I feel like this is my fault."
Nick paused. "What do you mean by that?"
"I'll tell you over lunch. Madeleine said skirts, right?"
Lance was a nice guy, Nick decided. For a Sync. He almost forgave Lance for being taller than he was at the moment when Lance didn't once laugh at him trying on clothes or wobbling his way around the shoe store in heels. Even the makeover at the makeup counter wasn't too horrifying. Thousands of appearances had made makeup a part of Nick's life by now, something which, he thought with a decidedly unfeminine snort, was something no straight guy should have to get used to.
After slinging all the bags into the back of Lance's 4Runner, they went to a Japanese restaurant to eat. Lance requested a secluded table in the back.
"I didn't know you liked Japanese," Nick said over the menu.
"It's JC's fault," Lance responded, flipping a page. "Him and his sushi."
Nick grinned.
After their food arrived, Nick picked at his for a moment before asking, "You said you felt it was your fault?"
Lance's hand stilled, then he set down his chopsticks. He looked around to make sure no one was near them, then gestured for Nick to set down his chopsticks.
"Why?" Nick asked.
"Because I don't want you to stab me with them," Lance answered flatly.
Nick set them down slowly, not liking the implications.
Lance took a deep breath. "It's a Bass thing," he said quietly. "It's genetic. My dad, my granddad, me... every full moon. The guys tease me about 'female lycanthropy'."
Nick didn't like the implications of this at all.
"It's never spread before," Lance said, pale eyes serious. "Close as I can figure... after me it started with JC."
"And you're sleeping with JC." It was common enough knowledge among their "set."
Lance nodded. "I'm the only Bass I know of who's ever been gay, so that's our guess as to how it happened."
"Kind of like a virus, mutating," Nick said, remembering biology lessons in a German hotel room on a rainy day.
Lance nodded.
"But--"
"It's not about the sex anymore," Lance said quickly. "I mean, neither of us have ever slept with the others, and you saw the pictures...."
Nick nodded, more pieces fitting together. "Close quarters, lots of contact. Then how the fuck did I catch it?"
Lance shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe...."
"Chris," Nick said. "Chris and Howie spend a lot of time together. And if Howie's maybe immune to it somehow... but he could still be a carrier...."
Lance sighed, his shoulders slumping. "That'd be it, I guess. I'm sorry about this, Nick, I'm so damn sorry...."
"'S not your fault, Lance." Nick tried for a smile and managed to find one. "I mean, it's not like forever, you know?" He picked up his chopsticks. "Just one question," he asked, making a stab at his tempura, "What about Britney?"
Lance laughed, but it was strained. "It only works on the Y chromosome. The females of the world are safe."
Nick wrote Lance a check to cover the shopping expedition. Lance promised to bully Madeleine into hurrying up with the new ID and credit cards. Then Nick was left alone in his house with just himself, his dogs and fish, and the new wardrobe. That frightened him, but he sucked it in and went upstairs to clear closet space for himself. If he wasn't going to be able to wear his clothes for the next several months, there was no point in having them take up space. And he'd have to get used to these girl clothes sooner than later.
He was up to his knees in leather pants and dress shirts he hated when the phone rang. Nick kicked free of the mound of clothes and grabbed the phone. "Hello?" he answered, wondering if he should just box all of the clothes he wouldn't be wearing and store them in some out of the way place. And people said Kevin and Howie were the practical ones.
"Hey, bro, what's up?"
Nick froze.
"Hey, Aaron," he said, and sat down on the edge of his bed.
"You have a cold?" Aaron asked. What was with everyone asking that?
"Umm, something like that," Nick hedged. Fuck, what was he supposed to do? He didn't want Aaron knowing about this. At all. The fellas were one thing, but his brother? His little brother?! He wanted his family kept out of this part of the continuing melodrama of his life even more than he wanted Jane and Bob kept out of the rest of it.
"So we still hanging this week?" Aaron continued blithely. "Because I haven't gotten to see you in ages, bro."
"I... can't," Nick said, whispering, his head in his hands. He really didn't want to do this. Aaron was like the coolest little brother ever, but he just couldn't let Aaron see him like this.
"What?!" Aaron demanded, sounding oddly like Chris Kirkpatrick for a second. "You promised!"
"I know, I'm sorry," Nick said. "I just can't, okay? I'm sorry." He cradled the phone in his hand. "I'm sorry."
"Look, has this got to do with Mom or some shit like that?" Aaron demanded. "Because you know I can just get her to drop me off. But this is me, Nick. Your little brother. The one and only. And if you're dropping me because of some messed-up reason--"
"It's not messed up!" Nick defended. "Just trust me on this, Aaron, okay? I'm going through some shit right now and I don't want you to have to deal with it as well, okay?"
There was silence for a minute, then Aaron said flatly, "I thought we were family," and hung up.
Nick stared at the phone for a minute, then returned it to its cradle.
He wished he could cry. It might make lying there miserable somehow better.
The rest of the month was somehow a blur. Even with the Syncs stopping in periodically to make sure he was adjusting and the fellas deciding he needed extra babying and attention "During this, your time of need," AJ said dramatically before Nick nailed him with another pillow, Nick still felt like he was spending it by himself. And he didn't much like himself at the moment. He wanted to tell someone that he'd made Aaron hate him, but he couldn't get the words out, not even to Brian. They stuck in his throat. Kristin and LeighAnne came over and helped him with the makeup and walking in heels until in remarkably short time they declared him a perfectly competent girl. He didn't feel much like it was an accomplishment. Madeleine stopped by with his new ID and credit cards and gave her seal of approval to his transformation.
"You're doing just great, babycakes," she said, giving him a hug. "You're really so much better at this than any of them were, okay? Even with Lance helping them."
"Thanks," he muttered.
She held him at arms' length. "Nick, listen, I know this is hard, okay? I've had to deal with this four times already. You don't want to know what it was like for JC, not knowing if he was ever going to change back or not, if it was the end of *N Sync or not. You're doing so much better than that."
The thought of calm JC panicking should have made him smile, but it didn't. "Yeah, I guess," Nick said.
Madeleine studied him. "If you want to talk, you know where I am," she said. She'd given them all her private as well as professional contact information.
Nick nodded, and showed her out.
Then he went upstairs, and didn't cry himself to sleep again.
A hand on his shoulder shook Nick awake.
"Hmm?" he asked muzzily.
"Wake up," a voice said. "Where's Nick?"
"'S right here," Nick replied.
"Where's Nick?" the voice repeated. Nick blinked a couple of times and the body attached to the voice resolved itself into....
"Aaron?"
Aaron crossed his arms over his chest, satisfied now that Nick was awake. "Where's Nick?" he asked again. "And who're you?"
"I'm--" Nick started, then stopped. "I'm Nicole," he said, laying claim to that name. Lying claim. He'd never used it before, hadn't had to. "Nick's... not here right now. He left... a few weeks ago." That part wasn't quite a lie. "He asked me to housesit."
"Oh." Aaron's arms uncrossed and his posture melted a little. "He didn't tell me. Where'd he go?"
"I'm not supposed to tell you," Nick replied, sitting up. Aaron was here and he couldn't even say hi, couldn't be big brother. "He left pretty suddenly. I don't know where he went." Fuck.
"Oh." Aaron looked really dejected now. "I... was gonna apologize. I got mad at him. I didn't know he'd left."
"It's okay," Nick said. "I'll let him know. If he calls. Umm, can I get you something to drink?"
"Sure," Aaron said. "Coke?" he asked.
"Got tons of it," Nick said, standing up. "Come on."
Aaron sipped his soda and wondered where Nicole had come from. He'd never met her before, but she seemed awfully familiar with Nick's house. She even knew which cup was Aaron's favorite, though that was maybe a coincidence. "So are you his girlfriend?" he asked, and Nicole choked on her soda.
"No!" she said, wiping at her chin with a napkin. "What gave you that idea?"
Aaron shrugged. "You just seem to know where everything is, and he *did* ask you to housesit."
She smirked. "I know where everything is because I'm housesitting," she pointed out.
Aaron blushed. That made sense. And while Nicole was hot, she wasn't really Nick's type. Too short. Too blonde. Aaron had only ever seen his brother with taller brunettes. And Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys could have just about any girl he wanted. Besides, he guessed, the Nick/Nicole thing would be kind of weird.
"Do you have a 'k' in the middle of your name?" he asked.
Nicole looked up at him. "Why?" she asked.
"Nothin'." Aaron shook his head. "I was just thinking... you know, the Nick/Nicole thing. Kinda funny."
She smiled, but it looked tired. "Yeah," she repeated. "Funny, huh?"
Aaron looked at her carefully. "So do you?" he asked.
"Do I what?" she asked.
"Have a 'k' in the middle of your name."
Her lips thinned. "No," she said, quiet.
Aaron narrowed his eyes. "You're lying," he said.
"What?"
"You're lying," he repeated, sure of it now. "You have a 'k' in your name. And you know where my brother is. He didn't just leave, did he?"
"No, I--"
"Where is he?" Aaron asked, standing up and walking over to her. "Where's Nick?"
"He's not here!" Nicole said, standing herself. But Aaron was taller.
"Where is he?!" Aaron demanded, backing her into a corner. "Where's Nick!"
"He's not here!"
"Where is he?!"
"Gone!"
"Where is he?!"
"He's gone! Okay?! Leave me alone, Aaron! Call any of the fellas and ask them! Your brother's not here, okay?!" she yelled at him, then suddenly clapped her hands over her mouth, staring at him, eyes wide.
Something tickled Aaron. "'The fellas'?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you..." Nicole whispered.
"You have a 'k' in the middle of your name, you call them 'the fellas'...."
"I've just been under stress, okay? I'll be gone in the morning, I'll get someone else to housesit..." she was whispering. Aaron didn't listen.
"The dogs like you. You knew which one was my favorite cup."
"Aaron, don't," she said.
"Nick...?" he asked, and by the bleak look in her eyes he knew he was right.
"Don't," she said, as he stepped away, giving her space. Blonde bangs fell into her face, hiding her eyes.
"You're Nick, aren't you?" Aaron asked quietly. "You're my brother."
She shook her head.
"Is this why you didn't want to hang with me?"
She hesitated, then very slowly nodded.
"You didn't just leave. And you didn't hate me."
There was a long silence, then a soft voice, trained for music--how could Aaron have not noticed that?--said, "I could never hate you, Aaron."
"'Cause I'm your only little brother," Aaron finished for Nick, still staring.
Howie only bothered to knock as a courtesy before opening the door. "Nick, you home?" he called out. Not like Nick went out these days, he thought with a frown.
"Kitchen," Nick called back.
"How's it going, Kaos--" he started to ask, then stopped as he entered the kitchen. The Carter brothers, or, rather, the Carter brother and brother-turned-sister, were eating ice cream. "Hi, Aaron."
"Hi, Howie," Nick's brother said, waving a spoon at him. "Have a seat. Want some ice cream?"
"We have chocolate, vanilla, and... French Silk? Who bought French Silk?" Nick asked, sticking his head into the freezer as Howie sat down.
"That'd be AJ," Howie answered, watching Aaron as he went back to his chocolate. "At the last barbeque."
Nick caught his look. "It's cool, D. Aaron knows."
"Oh." Howie relaxed.
"So what do you want?"
"I'll try the vanilla."
"Cool." Nick dug out a bowl and proceeded to scoop some from the carton to the container.
"You're okay with this?" Howie asked Aaron.
Aaron set down his spoon and looked at Nick's back with a sigh. "Not really. But I don't have a choice, do I? Not like I don't have enough sisters already."
Howie laughed. He had that same problem himself. "But he's not really a sister, you know? He's still Nick inside. It's only temporary."
"Yeah." Aaron looked back down at his bowl. "I guess."
Howie frowned as Nick set ice cream and a spoon in front of him. "Umm, Nick, can you give me and Aaron a minute alone?"
Nick looked at him, then shrugged. "Okay." He left the room.
"So what's up, kiddo?" Howie asked.
"It's just... freakin' weird, okay?" Aaron muttered. "I mean, I thought he hated me. He didn't want to see me. And now he's a girl."
Howie spooned some of his ice cream and examined the walls of Nick's kitchen. "I think it's safe to say it's weirder for him than you... us... you know. We only have to deal with his being a girl. He has to deal with actually being one."
Aaron smirked. "Like, what, peeing sitting down?"
"Wearing a skirt," Howie agreed.
"Shaving my legs and wearing fucking heels because I'm short!" Nick called from the other room.
"You don't understand the concept of 'go away', do you?" Howie demanded.
"Nope."
"Fine, come back, then." He stirred his ice cream until Nick reappeared. "You shave your legs?"
Nick sat down. "It was either that or wax 'em, and you weren't here for Joey's lovely description of that."
Aaron looked warily at his brother. "Do you get a period?"
Nick grimaced. "Not yet, thank God. And I'm not looking forward to it."
Howie gaped. "Wait, you mean...."
"The works." Nick picked up his spoon and grimaced. "JC got to give me that talk."
"Hoo boy," said Howie, empathizing.
"Gross," said Aaron, making a face.
"Aaron, official advice from your older brother," said Nick. "Never turn into a girl. It sucks."
Nick watched from the window as Howie drove Aaron away. There was a weight off of his chest now that he and Aaron were okay again. But the emptiness that had replaced that weight was almost worse.
They weren't recording, he thought, because of him. His voice had changed just enough to be noticeable. So the Backstreet Boys were on official hiatus because of him, which sucked. It meant the days were too long and had nothing in them. He could only play with the dogs for so long. Kevin and Brian had their wives. AJ had Amanda. Howie had his family and his foundation. And Nick? He didn't have anything to fill his time. He couldn't even go out and be Nick Carter, because he wasn't.
He sighed and trudged upstairs to get into something to swim in. Lance had made him get a couple of swimsuits, but he still preferred his swim trunks. He just cinched the waist in tighter and wore a tanktop for modesty.
The water helped. The water always helped. It took all his problems and made them seem insignificant next to the sound of the ocean in his ears, even though he knew it was only the sound of his own rushing blood.
No dance practice. No singing or signings. No interviews or photo sessions. It felt like his life was on fucking hold. He didn't know what to do until he got it back. That life, that public life, had been all he'd known for years. He'd grown up in that life. He didn't know how to be a normal person, away from the cameras, the songs, the dance. That was who he was, and it was taken from him now because of this.
Stupid Lance, he thought. Should've stayed in Mississippi and never joined *N Suck.
Nick dove deep into the pool and tried to let the water take him away.
Two days later he was in agony and grateful enough for Lance's female persona as she sat with him and brought him tea and ice cream and painkillers.
"Bitch, isn't it?" "Jamie" asked him sympathetically.
Nick had found out that moving made him feel more sick, so he only said "Yeah."
Lance sipped his own iced tea. "Justin didn't get cramps at all. The rest of us decided that proved the basic unfairness of the universe."
Nick laughed. "Place bets Brian doesn't either when it's his turn?"
"It's always the perfect ones," Lance mourned.
JC stopped by later with takeout and a movie.
The three of them ended up in perfect agreement about Thelma and Louise.
"Men are bastards," JC said after the film ended.
"You are a man," Lance pointed out.
"I'm also bi and dating the prettiest transgender on the planet," JC replied, kissing Lance on the neck. Lance giggled, a pretty high-pitched sound, and squirmed away. Lance giggling should have been weird, but it wasn't. Lance as a girl was somehow... softer. Or maybe that was just Nick's perception.
He wondered if he seemed "softer" too.
Nick eyed them from the other sofa, a hot water bottle on his stomach. "But you're gay, right, Lance?"
"Yup."
"So, then, when JC turned into a girl...."
Lance and JC looked at one another before looking back at Nick. "It wasn't the easiest time," JC said.
"I adore 'C," Lance said. "That didn't change. Hasn't changed. But... pretty as 'C was...."
"You couldn't get it up," Nick guessed.
Lance's cheeks heated up even as his mouth thinned to a line. "I couldn't," he confirmed. "But I also couldn't give up JC. Not when... I'm from small-town Mississippi. Not a lot of room to be gay there. JC was, is, my first love. My lover. Besides, it was my fault. It was totally my fault, and I knew it. If I hadn't...." He broke off and shook his head. "There was no way I was going to abandon JC. We worked around it. 'C still had the sleekest skin, and the softest touch, and the most beautiful soul I'd ever seen."
Nick raised an eyebrow.
"Sex toys," JC said succinctly. "And lots of touching. And lots, lots, of crying." He brushed his hand across Lance's hair. "I don't blame you, Lance. It wasn't your fault, or mine. Neither of us could've known. And we came out stronger for it, right?"
"I didn't love you the way I should've." Lance's voice was soft into JC's shoulder. "I should've been able to...."
"No, you shouldn't've," JC replied, still stroking Lance's hair. "I love you the way you are, Lance. You stayed with me when it mattered. How many gay guys do you think would have done that?"
"All the ones with massive guilt complexes," Lance answered.
JC laughed and didn't stop his touching.
"Lance," Nick said softly, and waited until Lance turned around to look at him. "I don't blame you either." And he found he didn't. It wasn't Lance's fault at all. It was no one's fault. It was, as Brian had been telling him all along, the handiwork of God. And Nick found sudden peace in that.
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