Somebody said a mother's job consists of wiping noses and changing diapers . . . somebody doesn't know that a child is much more than the shell he lives
in.
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct . . . somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said being a mother is boring.
. .somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
Somebody said teachers, psychologists and
pediatricians know more about children than their mothers . . . somebody hasn't invested her heart in another
human
being.
Somebody
said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out" . .
. somebody thinks a child is like a bag of
plaster of Paris that comes with directions,a mold and a
guarantee.
Somebody
said being a mother is what you do in your
spare time . . . somebody doesn't know that when you're a mother, you're a mother ALL the time.
Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices . . . somebody never came out the back door just
in time to see her child wind up and hit a golf ball through the
neighbor's
kitchen window.
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother . . . somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.
Somebody said you can't love
the fifth child as much as
you love the first . . . somebody doesn't have five children.
Somebody said a mother can
find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books
. . .somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose.
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery . . . somebody never watched her "baby"
get in the bus for the first day of kindergarten.
Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back . . .somebody
never organized seven giggling Brownies to cookies.
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her
child gets married . . . somebody doesn't know that
marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's
heartstrings.
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child
leaves home . . . somebody never had grandchildren.
Somebody said being a mother is a side dish on the plate of life ... somebody doesn't know what fills you up.
Somebody said your mother
knows you love her, so you
don't need to tell her . . . somebody isn't a mother.
The following are different answers given by school-age children
to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She is the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How
did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the
rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used
bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some
other Mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1.
God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1.
My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2.
I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your
Mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad
was shoplifting.
What did Mom need to know about dad before
she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800
a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did
your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti
in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to
do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't
have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who is the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What is the difference between moms and dads?
1.
Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2.
Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.
Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at
your friend's.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What
is the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30
years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes
moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's
greatest Mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice
cream!
2. The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss
my fat aunts!
3. She would always be smiling and keep her opinions
to herself.
Is anything about your Mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children
What would it take to
make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she is already
perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.
Diet. You know, her hair. I would dye-it, maybe blue.
If
you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1.
She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I would get rid of that.
2. I would make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
Out of the Mouth of a Child
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:
Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria!
_____________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_____________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's
wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell
it.
_____________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you
talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_____________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have
ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_____________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_____________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always
say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of
the alphabet."
_____________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
_____________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_____________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
_____________________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
First grade
A first grade school teacher in Virginia had 25 students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with
the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insights may
surprise you.
1. Don't change horses....until they stop running.
2. Strike while the......bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.....Daylight Savings Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of....termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but.......how?
6. Don't bite the hand that.......looks dirty.
7. No news is...........impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a.........Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new.......math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll......stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust..........me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...pigs.
13. An idle mind is........the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's........pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who.......gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...........not much.
17. Two's company, three's..........the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......you have to
blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as.....Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not..spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you.....see in the picture on the
box.
24. When the blind lead the blind....get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than.....pregnant!
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office
more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was
hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this le tter with my son's red crayon,
on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18
years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which
I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the
candy aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist,
since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays
adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret
compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along
with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living
room" and "Take you r hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.
If it's too late t o find any
of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating
food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too
much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce
my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son
saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon
back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your
wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, MOM...!
P.S.
One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.
*Santa has asked that this gets passed on to all the mommies you know
!
