(Tonio K.)

well your mother was there to protect you
your papa was there to provide
so how in the world did the excellent baby
wind up in this hotel so broken inside
you lie on your bed in the midnight darkly
listening to every sound
watching the shadows for anything moving
and hoping they don't come around

'cause it's dog eat dog
and it's cat and mouse
it's watch your step and cross yourself
and get back in the house
and it's do or die
it's push and shove
because everybody's hungry
and there isn't quite enough

that's right, we're talkin' about the good life
in the foodchain
love among the ruins
i guess that you've finally got to accept
that there's nothing you can do about it
it's kind of like carving the turkey
it's kind of like mowing the lawn:
everything gets to this certain dimension
winds up on a customer's plate and then gone

©1978 Intersong-U.S.A., Inc. and Worthless Music

(Tonio K.)

come on everybody
get on your feet
get with the beat
there's a brand new dance craze
sweeping the nation
and it's called the funky western civilization

well there's a riot in the courthouse, there's a fire in the street
there's a sinner bein' trampled by a thousand pious feet
there's a baby every minute bein' born without a chance
now don't that make you want to jump right up and start to dance?

let's do the funky
the funky western civilization
it's really spunky
it's just like summertime vacation
you just grab your partner by the hair
throw her down and leave her there

they put jesus on a cross, they put a hole in j.f.k.
they put hitler in the driver's seat and looked the other way
now they've got poison in the water and the whole world in a trance
but just because we're hypnotized, that don't mean we can't dance

we've got the funky
the funky western civilization
it's really spunky
it's just like summertime vacation
you just drag your partner through the dirt
leave him in a world of hurt

you get down
get funky
get western
(own up to it boys and girls)
and if you try real hard maybe you can even get, you know, kinda civilized·

(mesdames et messieurs, bon soir. this is joan of arc. tonio has asked me to personally deliver a rather special message. he say he just cannot get enough of my 15th-century wisdom. he say he loves it when i talk with him like this. and after many a saturday night of doing ze funky western civilization together, i know for a fact he agrees with me when i say [in french]:
you can bullshit the baker and get the buns
you can back out of every deal except one)

this is the funky
the funky western civilization
it's oh, so very spunky
it's just like summertime vacation
all's you gotta do is find some little kid somewhere
and throw him way up in the air
(never mind the parents)

yes it's a funky
a funky western civilization
and it may seem kinda skunky, you know
but it's hitting every nation (all across the universe)
that's 'cause all's you gotta do is grab your partner by the hair
throw her down and leave her there

©1978 Worthless Music and Propane Publishing Co. (ASCAP)

(Tonio K.)

little willie caesar, he was in trouble
runnin' like a bandit through his longest darkest night
all that willie lacked, in fact, was a shovel
then he could have dug himself his own grave
and saved everybody some time

because you don't relieve the union boys of their payroll
not unless you've got an army ready to fight
and when the union representatives were unavailable
to reach a suitable agreement
that's when willie took to flight


come on little caesar you can make it
anyway you're going to have to try
don't you ever tangle with the ruling class
unless you're prepared to take it
because they can dish it out from now until 1999

willie crashed the gate at rosie's cantina
no, not the one where marty shot that kid
this place was kinda likea train wreck
'cept it was cleaner
everything was either out of order
or very well hid

way back in the corner sat the pigman
champion of the luckless lunchless faceless little folks
willie he explains the whole situation
in no time flat the pigman's on the phone


next thing willie knows, the whole thing is over
everybody wants to negotiate
pigman orders three more glasses of cola
willie wonders: "how can I repay?"

pigman says: "if you're ever down around diego
you can look me up
you know that I'm not that hard to find"
and with that he stands and leaves the table
leaving willie with the check and wondering what was on his mind


©1978 Worthless Music (ASCAP)

(Tonio K.)

gather 'round people gonna tell you a tale
'bout the time that the clocks all quit and the government failed
back when the agents tracked all the postmen down
and they found all they needed to know in the second class mail
and then hauled off everyone 'cept for me and a couple of friends
they forgot in the nottingham jail

now that jailer, he saw all the smoke in the air
and he wished he was there 'stead of inside watching our cell
so we said, "go do your share, we ain't goin' nowhere"
he agreed, grabbed his gun with a smile and then wished us all well
'fore he got to his care, we had but through the bats
snuck outside and sat back just to watch till the curtain fell

now the first thing i noticed when we hit the street was the seventh fleet
they was cruisin' the center of town
no one seemed real clear 'bout who had sent them there
but they sure looked grand with the band, the balloons and the clowns
and the played "anchors away" for the rest of the day
'cept the times that they'd lower their guns and shoot some renegade down

yes and john the baptist and uncle sam
they were carryin' the plans for some new kind of object of faith
when this renegade band with their guns in their hands
stopped them both and demanded a look in the top secret case
but just in the nick of time those renegades were stricken blind
by a low flying plane with no name and no number to trace

but just the same john lost his head and he said he was going to run
but someone held him down and sam tied up his hands
he cried out to his boss but he couldn't get across 'cause the lines were all down
and the crowd cheered him on from the stands
but he finally did get away
you can see him today, he sells silver plates and still waits for the boss to call back

and attila the hun and his austrian son
left their hideout in rio to fly out and relive the past
sam he showed 'em around when they got into town
but he warned 'em the rules had been changed since they'd played the game last
ol' attila just grinned and winked at his friend
i forget what went down after that, it all happened so fast

yes it was lookin' real bad, any luck that we'd had
had been lost in the park after dark when the army arrived
they was sweeping the town chasing renegades down
there were no friends to found, there was no place at all left to hide
and the austrian son he was having some fun
he'd been put in command of all the camps and his prisoners all died·

way across town
in the penthouse suite of the tallest building
the boss was asleep when he heard such a clatter
he sprang from his bed just to see what was the matter
he looked down on the street and that scene filled his eyes
but you know he wasn't even surprised

he just got on the phone and he ordered thunder
some lightning and disk blades (to plow it all under)
someone asked why; with a sigh he explained
that the fools was up doin' it again

meanwhile, back on the street:

this clown in a gown and fur hat with tattoos on his shoulders
comes over and whispers, "it's gonna be all right"
he says he's a personal friend of the boss
and then asks if we've got any sheep he can sacrifice later that night
we said "no" he said "oh" and then wandered off
chanting some strange sounding language and waving his wand at the sky

sam and attila were gettin' their fill of the action and danger
they'd burned every manger in town
and ol' john's eyes were hazy; he must have gone crazy
he was runnin' around tryin' to drown everybody he found
yes and the austrian son was still having his fun
launching v-2s at anything moving or making a sound

bright and early next morning without any warning
the sky opened up and the boss stuck his head through the clouds
the army and navy they opened up fire
but he grabbed him that lightning and laid them all under the ground
sam jumped up to salute; the boss said "that's real cute
but it's a little bit late 'cause i've seen what's been going down"

sam said "you've got it all wrong; it's them that you want and not me
can't you see that that's attila and the austrian kid?"
the boss said "yes that's true but i also want you
do you think that i'm blind? do you think you could keep yourself hid?"
and just then the clown in the gown hit the ground and started kissing his feet
but he stepped on his tongue and said "who is this kid?"

©1978 Worthless Music (ASCAP)

(Tonio K.)

jacob comes from memphis
he's a self-made man, owned half of tennessee
and now he's sold off all his old friends
and bought up the past and paid down on you and me
yes and new york may be the new world
but she's still a filthy concrete bitch without a soul
but it don't matter 'cause jacob you know he wants her
because he's climbed so high there's nowhere left to go

it's an american love affair
it's an american dream
somebody said that it's everywhere
nobody's sure what it means
but if you wake with your mind on fire
too frightened even to scream
it's just an american love affair
just an american dream

sweet rebecca, she's a go-getter
she'll tell you that she loves you for a price
and she should know better, but no one's let her
take the time to think at all, much less think twice
and now all the glitter and the human litter
that surround her seem as normal as the sky
and in the morning if you buy her diamonds
she will always try to guess how much but never why

it's an american love affair·

©1974 Worthless Music and Propane Publishing Co. (ASCAP)

(Tonio K.)

there's something very funny going on here
yes there is something very strange that's going down
i've got this real uneasy feelin' in my stomach most of the time
and usually it gets worse when you're around

now i know you are my ever-lovin' baby
yes i know that you would never do me wrong
so i hope that you won't take offense
but i've got to ask you some questions, darlin'
because there's something most unusual goin' on

for instance
how come i can't see you in my mirror?
how come you never come around here 'cept at night?
how come you won't say where your family lives
and you always look so pale?
how come you've got that crazy look there in your eyes?

now lately babe, you smell just like a basement
and your wardrobe's down to strictly black and red
sometimes at night i can see you down on the pavement sneakin' around
come to think of it, when do you go to bed?

now i ain't one to go and start no rumors
no i ain't never used a poison pen
but i don't much care for the way
you tend to pick your teeth out in public baby
or the way you're always starin' at my neck

so tell me
how come i can't see you in my mirror?
how come you never come around here in the day?
how come you start to hiss when i say my prayers
and you wear those stupid capes
and every time you see a cross, you run away?
hey, what'd you say your name was anyway?

©1978 Worthless Music (ASCAP)

(Tonio K.)

the insults and the punches flew
just like they always had
i knocked her down and left the room
but she came running back
and i said:

hey look around
hey look in your mirror
lay your ego down
it'll get so much clearer
why continue to push and pull
and punish each other
when it would be so much easier
to just find another lover

now you're feelin' cold
hey babe i'm on fire
and i'm losin' control
because you've got no desire
and so we go sparring through the night
like to lightweight contenders
the flames have gone out
let's extinguish the embers

put up the flag and lay down your weapon
this perpetual battle royal here
is a long way from heaven
call it a mistake or call it whatever
let's just call it off
better late than never

now i've got you
and you've got me
but we've got no manners at all
we're still counting down to ecstasy
when some courtesy's all the situation wants
and that's so hard

so you keep the car
and all the passionate letters
they won't get you that far
they won't make it no better
and maybe someday
some other time
we can try this again
maybe someday these flamin' hearts
will learn how to be friends

but right now
put up the flag
and lay down your weapon·

©1978 Intersong-U.S.A., Inc. and Worthless Music

(Tonio K.)

baby don't leave me here alone
don't break our happy home up
think of the children
i know we haven't got no kids
but think of if we did
it would surely upset them
well then try & think about me
think about heartbreak, misery
think about all the things that we've been through--
or think about how a cast would look on you


no no don't you go and break my heart
no don' t do it
if you do i'll go crazy
maybe hurt myself
or more significant
i might hurt you

sweetheart i'm not a violent man
i hope you understand
hope you follow my meaning
but i won't be loved then left behind
this contract says you're mine
and i'm tired of pleading
so i've got to rest my case
don't make that main mistake
without you darlin' i'm completely lost
and think of how much a private room would cost
(you deserve the best)


©1978 Intersong-U.S.A., Inc. and Worthless Music

(Tonio K.)

now i know it's not unusual
it's nothing so unique
there's probably hundreds of wonderful love affairs
that go bad in this town every week
but all of them others
them sad-hearted lovers
could cry in their beer, what the hey
it didn't concern me
was none of my business
i never had nothin' to say
but suddenly darlin'
the table has turned
you have left me for somebody new
and now it's hard to express
the resentment i feel
for the years that i've wasted on you

but let me put this another way · ok?

i'm full of h-a-t-r-e-d
i'm bitter and malign
you've got me
p-i-s-s-e-d off
i'm angry most of the time
why don't you
g-o t-o h-e-double"l"
you tramp
you philandering bitch
i'm going to
k-i-l-l one of us baby
give me time and i'll decide on which

and i know i'm acting immature
i'm acting like a child
i should display some self-control
instead of going wild like this
and i do wish i could accept all this
as simply "life" which includes pain
and act upon the actual fact
that nobody's to blame
yes i wish i was as mellow
as for instance jackson browne
but "fountain of sorrow" my ass
@#$%¢&-(*&)$# [if you want to know what this means, buy the cd]
i hope you wind up in the ground

i'm so full of h-a-t-r-e-d
i'm bitter and malign
you've got me
p-i-s-s-e-d off
i'm angry most of the time
why don't you
g-o t-o h-e-double"l"
you tramp
you philandering bitch
i'm going to
k-i-l-l one of us baby
when i'm sober i'll decide on which
(but then again, maybe with the proper counseling, we can work this out)

© 1978 Worthless Music (ASCAP)