Author's note: This takes place shortly before episode 811 parts:The Clonus Horror. Mystery Usenet 3000: Battle Arena Toshinden MiSTed by Matt Blackwell [Opening credits] 1...2...3...4...5...6... [Interior scene on the SoL. Mike sits with his eyes averted from Tom, while Tom talks animatedly.] Tom:...so, if the guards had just taken a few more precautions, then they could averted the party getting eaten. I mean, geez, these are highly trained professional mercenaries , but they can't hit a measly dinosaur from a few feet away? Mike: That's nice Tom. [Aside to audience.] Hi everyone. I'm Mike Nelson, and this is the Satellite of Love. Mrs. F turned off our power, so we're stuck above this alien planet, alone and defenseless until she finishes camping. And Tom is elaborating on the mistakes of the summer movies of 1997... Tom:... And what kind of name is Leelu? And thermal bandages? Come on. Don't people in the future have shirts? And don't even get me started on the alien volcano snake that attacks LA... [Off stage, there is an earth shattering kaboom. Mike and Tom flop about the bridge, Star Trek style.] Mike: What was that? [Crow enters, reading a copy of Premiere magazine. A picture of Kim Catrall's upon the cover, captioned with "Kim's Comeback?"] Mike: Crow! What just happened to the satellite? Crow: Hmm? Oh, an asteroid hit us. Nothing major. [Resumes reading] Tom: Oh, and don't get me started on Asteroid! Mike: Well, how much damage did it do to us? Crow: Not much. It was a pretty small asteroid. [Briefly resumes reading, then looks up again.] I think it landed on Tom's copies of the Picardian . Tom: AHHHHH!!!! My Picardians!!!!! They're collectors items!!!!! [Tom rushes off to the right] Mike: Tom! We'll be right back! TOM! [Commercial break ends] [Back on the SoL, the Bots and Mike stand around a large stone. Tom is sobbing uncontrollably.] Crow: Tom, knock it off. Your Picardians are fine. Tom: [Sobbing] But my collection of Fangoria... Mike: Crow, stop teasing Tom. And Tom, ...oh never mind. Come on, let's examine this meteor. Gypsy: Mike, I've got a bad feeling about this... Mike: Don't worry, Gypsy. I'm sure that it's perfectly safe. [Mike picks up a chisel and hammer and places the chisel on the stone, preparing to strike it.] Tom: If there's any pudding in there, I call dibs. Crow: Hey! No fair! Mike: Knock it off you two. Okay, here goes... [Mike strikes the chisel with the hammer and the rock falls in two. The trio leans down and looks at the rock. ] All: Aahhhh. [Mike leans down into the asteroid and withdraws a cute little cat] Mike: Awww. You at the cute wittle puddy-tat. You're a cute wittle thing aren't you? See Gypsy, there's nothing to worry about here. Gypsy: I don't know , Mike... Cat: Meow. [The mad's light begins to flash.] Mike: Gerrold, Fontana, and Spinrad are calling. Camping World Observer: Ah, the puny bipeds are attendant. Mrs. F: Hello, Ellison. SoL: Mike: Hi, Mrs. F. [He waves. The bots do too. ] Camping World: Observer : Yes, hello. Now, according to our studies, you puny bipeds are entertained by two things: violence and sex. So, we have decided to deprive you of all such diversions in today's film, through the use of our Censormatic 5000. I theorize that you shall not survive more than 3.6 minutes without these trivial item, which we Observers have long since evolved beyond. Finally, my homeworld will be avenged. SoL: Mike: Um, there's no machine here. Camping World: Bobo: [Entering scene] It should be there any minute now. We ordered it from Damark. You know, I didn't know that Damark took Discov... Observer: Ahem. I would like to gain my vengeance sometime today. Bobo: Oops. Sorry. Mrs F: Your movie today , Nelson, is Battle Arena Toshiden, a Japanese import from the ever so successful "video game turned into a movie" genre. Enjoy. SoL: Crow: But the machine... [A courier enters.] Courier: [Looking suspiciously like Bridget] Spaceborne Express. Sign. Tom: Mike, you've got working arms... Mike: Okay. [He signs] Tom: I've got a bad feeling about this..... [Lights Flash] Mike: Too late, WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!! 6...5...4...3...2...1... [Mike and the Bots settle into their seats , as the opening credits begin. Off to the left of the theater sits a machine, roughly as tall as Mike. It emits a quiet hum.] Tom: So, Crow. What should we do with that cat? Crow: Let's name him Digby, and he'll be the biggest cat in the world! Mike: Sigh. [They sit] >Battle Arena Toshiden [Pause] >The End All: HURRAY!!!! [Five minutes of credits, punctuated by annoying Japanese bubble gum music, then follow. The crew then files out of the theater.] 1...2...3...4...5...6... The SoL Bridge: Mike: Wow. Piece of Cake today, Mrs. F. Camping World: [The Observer and Mrs F are engaged in a heated dispute.] Observer : Our vengence is thwarted! This can not be! Explain, biped. Mrs. F: Look, you're the hyper intelligent being. You should have realized that this was going to happen. Edit out all of the sex and violence. Geez. Observer : We must have our revenge.... Mrs. F: All right, all right. Look, all we have to do is adjust the settings on the machine, okay? [She reaches over to the Censormatic 5000 and adjusts a knob.] Okay, this will be much more frustrating for them. Now they can see the sex, but they can't comment on it. Observer : Ahh. So, they will become frustrated and their wills will break. Excellent. We are glad that we suggested it to you. Mrs. F: [Eyes glazing over] I am glad that you suggested it to me. [She shakes her head.] Um, where was I? Oh, yeah. Bobo, adjust the violence setting. Prof Bobo: [Cheerfully] Hello. [He reaches over to the violence knob and begins to turn it. The knob seems stuck, so he struggles in turning it. Suddenly, the knob comes off in his hand.] Um, Lawgiver? Mrs. F: Not now, Bobo. [Turns to the camera] So, Nelson. Let's try this again. Batttle Arena Toshinden. SoL: Crow: I thought that was too easy. [Lights flash] Mike: WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!! Again. 6...5...4...3...2...1... >[Two silhouetted figures stand motionless before a rising sun.] >Voiceover: Once every few years, a secret tournament of the greatest martial >artists is held to decide who is the world's most powerful fighter. Mike: Its founders have cunningly disguised it as the annual championships of America's Funniest Home Videos. Crow: Ah. Suddenly all of those "Football to the groin" videos make sense... >It is the Battle Arena Toshinden. Crow: Not to be confused with Toshinden Land. ((tm)) >Their destinies intertwined, these chosen warriors fight for many reasons... Mike: The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat... Crow: To end the blight of Pauly Shore movies for all time... Tom: To get a car repainted for only $29.99... >Love. Glory. Revenge. Mike: Boredom. Confusion. Bewilderment. >Both the participants.and the site of each tournament are selected by the >"Organization", a clandestine group whose motives are anything but clear. Tom: This "Organization", backed by the Masons and the Zionists , is wholly responsible for the Chinese troops stationed in the Midwest, ready to seize control over our nation's vital corn supply. >Today, the eleven Toshinden warriors are challenged not only by each other's >ultimate martial arts skills, but by the mysterious and violent events >descending upon them all. Crow: Mysterious and violent events? Hey! It's Pulp Fiction! >[Black screen] >The Toshinden Warriors are... >Eiji (A white suited martial artist with a sword) Crow: Not to be confused with the Japanese character in every other Japanese movie based on a video game... >Kayin (A blonde haired martial artist, parrying a sword) Crow: Not to be confused with the blond American in ... Mike: Crow... >Gaia (A White haired martial artist wearing a green brace around his mouth) Mike: Apparently muzzles are very popular among martial artists. Tom: (Muffled) Hello, Wilbur. I've come to kick some booty... >Sofia (A Female blonde martial artist) [Crow begins to speak, but the Censormatic 5000 covers up Crow's comment] Tom: You say something Crow? Crow: Yeah. I said, [The Censormatic 5000 activates again.] Crow: Uh-oh. Mike: This could be painful, guys. >Chaos (A bald martial artist with a goofy grin on his face) Mike: And the aliens say he's Captain Jean Luc Picard.... >Ellis (A female martial artist wearing a leotard with a large red bow on the >back, with blue hair and carrying a pair of daggers) Crow: So, apparently these martial artists are being recruited from debutante balls? Mike: Or Springfield. Tom: Fighter Roll Call! >Duke (Another blond martial artist in medieval European armor, sitting atop >a horse and wielding a sword.) Crow: Which one of you took my beer? Tom: Clydesdalebot! >Mondo (A black haired martial artist staring off into space.) Crow: I thought Mondo always wore flowered Hawaiian shirts, and was a mutant. Mike: Wrong Mondo, Crow. Tom: A Gypsy! >Tracy (A Gray haired martial artist wearing a bandana with a smiley face on >it.) Mike: Ah, the representative from "Dazed and Confused" is here. Tom: Tracy Something! >Fo (An elderly martial artist with claws on his hands.) Tom: FOOOO! Crow: Knock it off Tom. Tom: Oh, am I bugging you? >Rungo (An arnoldy looking martial artist wielding what seems to be a >hurricane lamp.) Mike: [Austrian Accent] I'll be back. Just as soon as I find a floor lamp. >Executive Producers: BMG Victor, Inc > MOVIC, Co., Ltd. >Screen Play: Masaharu Amiya Crow: Mike, I can't find the coin slot for this screen. Get it? Screen "Play." Heh. Heh. >[Jets are flying about in a blue sky. A newsman reports.] Mike: The world was shocked today as the tiny nation of Freedonia invaded its neighbor Sylvania.... >Newsman: The eyes of the entire world are focused here. As these two great >nations... Tom: ...have come together to join in the world's largest House Party ever! All in House Party Three... >Original Character Design: Tsukasa Kotobuki Crow: So he's responsible for Emo Philips? He's quite a character... Heh. Heh. >Newsman: ...finally end their long and bitter Cold War with the signing of >this historic peace treaty. Mike: You mean we could have stopped this war by just signing this paper? Gosh, and we were trying to bomb you back to the Stone Age. >[Ships line the horizon. In the forefront is an aircraft carrier.] Crow: I predict a "Top Gun" reference. Tom: Maverick! Crow: In the movie, Tom... >[The scene shifts to the carrier where the leaders of the two nations stand to >the side of a podium. Their flags hang in the background. One is a red circle >with a yellow starrish shape above two smaller yellow shapes. The other is a >tricolored flag with three stripes, colored blue, green , and yellow. News crews >stand below the stage] Tom: So, these two nations are Nambia and Andorra? >Animation character design: Kazuto Nakazawa >Animation director: Crow: Wow! The Japanese have managed to create cartoons intelligent enough to be directed! >[Flash bulbs flash] Mike: Sean Penn soon declared war on both nations.. >Newsman (vo): It's official! Tom: The Cubs lose! Crow: Big surprise. >[The leaders stand aside a document.] Tom: As this document clearly shows, we can receive 15 CDs by some of today's hottest artists for just a penny! >Newsman [vo]: An historic day, ladies and gentlemen. An important step >towards world peace. Mike: Oh, no. Is that kid threatening not to play baseball until we get world peace again? >[The leaders begin to shake hands. As their hands move towards each other, >the horizon is lit by an explosion. Fighter jets on the deck then blow up] Crow: Yes, it's the new Lockheed Martin Pinto attack jet! >[Cut to: A naval officer on the bridge] Tom: [Mumbling] I could have gotten that part in that submarine flick, but no, they had to give it to Kelsey Grammer… >Officer: Get me a fix on the enemy position! Crow: I'm sorry sir! They're in the blacked out area of the map! Mike: Damn! >[A radar operator looks at the radar.] >Radar Operator: There's nothing on the radar screen! Mike: Just these blinking dots and this moving line. >Officer (softly): Nothing? Tom: Ooh, a ghost car... >Art director: Hiroshi Kato Mike: What is it with these credits? Tom: Maybe we're watching "Prince of Darkness." >[Back on the carrier deck, bodyguards surround the world leaders.] >Bodyguard #1: Mr President, you'll have to come with us now. >Leader #1: I want some answers. What's going on? Tom: (Southern accent) And what's that redheaded reporterette's phone number? Say, here's a $100,000. Just ask for the Lincoln bedroom... >[Camera raise up to view the top of the carrier's superstructure where a lone >figure stands. Ominous music plays.] Tom: It's Batman! Crow: It's Wesely Crusher! Mike: HeLlO, tHe MaStEr HaS sEnT mE tO dIsCuSs A fAbUlOuS mOnEy MaKiNg PrOjEcT tHaT iS cOmPlEtElY lEgAl AnD oNlY rEqUiReS $5..... Bots: AHHHHH!!!! >[M16s and cameras are pointed towards the figure.] Mike: Good Lord! It's Hard Copy! RUNNNNN!!!! >[He draws his sword and leaps downwards as the M16s fire, to no effect. >Something explodes. The marines fire, and are cut down by the figure's >sword.] Tom: Ah, yes. The first law of martial arts films: Guys with swords can ignore people with guns. >[A helicopter above the carrier swoops towards the battle.] >Pilot: Target locked. In view. I don't believe it! It's a man! Mike: A planet where men evolved from men?. >[The copter fires at the man with no apparent effect. The man leaps upwards >as the helicopter flies by, shouts a phrase, and the helicopter explodes as he >passes by and crashes onto the deck. He strides out of the flames of the >burning helicopter.] Crow: So, apparently the martial artist has a really good standing jump. >Battle Arena Toshinden >Vol. 1 >Director: Masami Ohbari >[The scene shifts to a crowded downtown area as a plane passes by. Throngs >of people mill about. Suddenly a hand appears in the middle of the screen. Tom: AH! It's David Copperfield! >Then flowers pop out of the hand, amusing the children watching the display.] >Kids: Wow. Mike: Welcome back to Easily Amused Theatre. >Fo: Here you go children. Enjoy this little present. >Kid 1: It's wonderful Fo. >Kid 2: Yeah, thanks. Crow: But I wanted a Fisher Price Executioner... >Fo: I wonder what's going to appear next? Crow: A plot, perhaps? Tom: I think that Fo's about the violate the CDA... [The Censormatic 5000 activates again] >[A bus drives by in the background. Tom: If this movie falls below 55 frames a second, it'll explode! >Behind it is the mysterious stranger from the carrier who then grins.] >Fo (thinking): Can it be? Crow: Is Geena Davis really getting divorced? >[The scene shifts to show Fo walking down an alley alone] >Fo: I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting. One of the things that I take >pleasure in is seeing little children smile. The other thing I take pleasure in is >seeing these (He draws his claws) covered in blood. Tom: You know, Soupy Sales used to end his show with that phrase. Mike: So did Xuxa. Hmmm. Xuxa... Crow: Later Mike. >[A fight ensues. Something blows up for no discernible reason.] Crow: It's Rubbermaid's new Pinto Garbage Can! >Fo: Bad mistake, Sho. This is a dead end. And in an alley this narrow, you >can't counterattack at full power. Mike: So he should downshift then? >Sho: Careful, old fool. >Fo: WHAT??? Crow: HE SAID CAREFUL OLD FOOL! >Sho: Is this the extent of your power? >Fo: You watch your tongue... How will you stop me? Tom: Well, I've got a restraining order... >Sho: Like this.... >[Swords Clash. A sphere of orange light forms around the clashing swords.] >Fo: It can't be! He's using my technique! ARRRRRGGHHH!!! Mike: He's using post-impressionism! RUN! >[The scene shifts to the countryside. A guy on a motorcycle rides by. He >carries a katana. The bike stops, the rider dismounts and removes his helmet, Bots: o~/ Take on me...o/~ >revealing Eiji.] >Eiji: This is such a desolate place now. [vo] It was one year ago, at the >Toshiden tournament and I haven't forgotten Gaia. Mike: Yes, it's "I Remember Gaia.." >[Flashback. Swords clash in a flash of white light. Eiji lands in the >background while Gaia, clad in a red samurai-ish suit of armor lands in the >foreground.] >Gaia: Magnificent! My body trembles before you Eiji! [The Censormatic 5000 activates again.] >Eiji: [Breathless] There's more where that came from Gaia. [Once again, the Censormatic 5000 activates. Mike and the bots look around anxiously.] >Gaia: I've been looking for a man like you. Why don't you join me? Let us >fight together. Side by side. [The Censormatic 5000 activates yet again.] >Eiji: Don't hand me any of that sweettalk. [Eiji yells, and hurls a fireball at >Gaia.] >Gaia: I like you more and more. [You guessed it, The Censormatic 5000 activates again.] >[The fireball hits Gaia] >Eiji: I think I got him. Crow: 5..4..3..2..1 >[The scene shifts back to Gaia. Half of his face armor has been blown away.] >Gaia: Ahh, it's the same technique that Sho used. >Eiji: What do you know about my brother? Gaia, tell me everything. Crow: Well, first of all, Darth Vader is Luke's dad. And Rosebud's a sled. And the Monkees didn't really play their own instruments... >Gaia: If you're looking for your brother, I can't help you. >Eiji: Tell me where he is. Mike: Apparently he missed that last line. >Gaia: Where indeed? I'd like to know myself. >[White light flares on the left of the screen.] Crow; Say, they're fighting near that island in True Lies! Tom: Head for the light! Head for the light! >Chaos: Blooming Gaia! All: Blooming? >[Ninjas appear. Gaia and Eiji are surrounded.] >Eiji: How big of you! Gaia, no fair! >[The ninjas part ranks, revealing a helicopter. Chaos walks from the copter.] >Chaos: So sorry to disturb you. >Gaia: Chaos! Mike: So, the Eternal Champion's mixed up in this then? >Chaos: You're using the Toshinden tournament to recruit the best fighters so >you can lead them against our organization. >Gaia: Your deductive skills are admirable. But I can not allow you to capture >me yet. >Chaos: And I can not allow you to escape. Mike: Well, it looks like you've both got a problem then. Tom: You know, a short conflict resolution course would have solved this entire problem. >Eiji: What's going on? Who are you people? Crow: It's the cast from Rent! Mike: Hi! We're Up With People! Tom: This is Peanut. He's a Woozle. >Chaos:[Laughs] So, I guess that this will be a battle to the death for you and >me. [He yells] Tom: One of us is going to walk away from this fight, AND IT WON'T BE ME! >Gaia: So am I Chaos. [He yells] Crow: So am I what? >[Chaos leaps into the air. He swings his scythe into Gaia's head and it cuts >though all of the armor]. Mike: That paper mache armor never works. >Eiji: [While busily cutting apart a ninja] What the...? >[Oops, Gaia's not in the armor. He passes the time by impaling Chaos with >his sword. Chaos spits out blood. Gaia removes his sword. Eiji hops into the >shot, but a wall of fire erupts] Mike: Boy, Gaia's really protective of his screen time. >Eiji: GAIA!!! >Gaia: Eiji, train yourself well, for only then can our true battle begin. >[Laughs] >[The Present] >Eiji: The tournament ended, settling nothing between myself and Gaia, and I >still haven't been able to find my brother. Tom: Plus, I seem to be speaking only in exposition. >[A noise comes from offscreen] >Eiji: Huh? >[Kayin has been leaning against a pillar with his arms crossed. He draws his >sword and steps forward.] >Kayin: I've been waiting for you, Eiji. Crow: Boy, these college loan officers are really persistent. >Eiji: Kayin. [He draws his katana. The two stare at each with blades drawn, >ready to attack. The sky is blue. A fight begins.] Crow: Wow. A fight. Tom: Yep. Haven't seen one of those before. >Kayin: Hey, you've gotten even better, Eiji. [The Censormatic 5000 once again flares to life. Crow shoots a angry glance at it.] >Eiji: So have you Kayin. >[Words are yelled. People jump around. We see Eiji's bike. The two fight >until the setting sun. Speed lines and slow motion make an appearance. The >fight stops, with both fighters in mid swing.] Mike: Red Light! >Kayin: I'd never want you as my enemy. >Eiji: I know what you mean. >Kayin: Not a bad fight, but I'm still better than you'll ever be. Crow: I don't know. I've been working as a talk radio host... >Eiji: Nice to see you too. >Kayin: Thanks. [They shake hands.] Mike: [Manically] And when the two shake hands, the Galactic Peace Memorial will explode, leaving the LSV to reign supreme! BWHAH-HA- HA!!!!! Tom: Mike, we're the comic fan bots around here. Crow: Yeah, quit grabbing our shticks. >[The scene shifts. Lightning flashes. Tom: o/~ I can see it coming down again... o/~ >A statue makes a hand gesture. A bonfire is lit. Crow: [Bea Arthur] Day 3: The natives approach the cruise ship asking for sacrifices. We give them Estelle Getty. >Two fighters stare at each other as a storm approaches. One is Sho, whose left >eye glows red. Mike: Of course if the right eye was red, that would only mean that he's crossed the equator. >The other is Mondo] >Mondo: I can take him. Mustn't see my enemy with my eyes. Must feel him >with my heart. I'll use the toricky-dai-hustsu matsu and defeat him with One >blow! Mike: Or I could use that M-16 over there... >[He leaps into the air, surrounded by glowing motes of light. Crow: Yay! Tink's helping him! >Yelling. A fireball erupts from the sword. His eyes widen in terror as the >fireball hits him, sending him crashing to the ground. He yells, sounding >somewhat like Crow falling from the Mile High cake, but for not quite as >long.] >Mondo: Impossible. How could he have known... Huh? Tom: Well, he surely couldn't have figured out what you were doing when you started shouting out what you were going to do... >[Sho stands above the downed fighter. The scene shifts to a cliff. Gulls cry. Crow: Seeing this, I don't blame them. >We see a tombstone marked with a sword. Eiji places flowers on the grave and >begins to pray as Keyin walks towards him. He's carrying flowers.] Mike: Um, Eiji? I was kinda hoping to ask the dead guy if he's not busy on Saturday... Bots: EEEEEWWW! >Kayin: Thanks a lot. I'm sure Dad must be glad to see you. >Eiji: He told me to say hi. Tom: Yes, Eiji calls the psychic friends network, shouldn't you? >Kayin: Really? Mike: Okay. I'll back away slowly. Must. Not. Make. Eye. Contact. >Hrrumph. First it was old man Fo. Now Mondo's been attacked. There's no >doubt about it now. The top Toshiden fighters have got to be on someone's hit >list. Tom: I bet that pesky Mario's behind this.. >Eiji: Yeah. >Kayin: I've heard rumors that it's .... Crow: Mel Torme? Tom: Doug Herzog? Mike: Shaft? Bots: Shut your mouth! >Eiji: Sho. >Kayin: I know that look. Don't tell me that you're going there alone. All: He's going there alone. >Eiji: I'm sorry, but I have to know the truth about him. Mike: Eiji Mulder, F.B.I. >[Kayin grabs Eiji's shirt by the collar.] Crow: Hey, is this silk? >Kayin: Look! Stop keeping it inside and talk to me! Let me help! [Softer] We >both know that your brother killed my dad, but he lost that fight like a true >warrior! With honor. But Eiji. It doesn't change anything between us. [He >releases the shirt] It doesn't mean that we're not friends anymore. I'm just >saying that we should always fight together. Tom: Well, Kayin has some issues... >Eiji: Kayin. >[Kayin turns and grins. There are two sets of flowers on the grave now.] Crow:: It's VC Andrews' famous novel "Two Sets of Flowers in the Attic." Tom: It's time, guys. [The crew leaves the theater.] 1...2...3...4...5...6... SoL: [Mike, and Tom are playing with the space cat. Crow's still reading his issue of Premiere and eating his sammich.] Mike: Aww. Hello sweetums. You're a nice little kitty kat. Cat: Meow! Tom: Hey! Let's go get some cat toys for it! Mike: Okay! Come on Crow. Crow: Whatever. [The trio leaves] Camping World: [The Observer stands alone.] Observer: Surely, the Censormatic 5000 has broken down those feeble bipeds by now. That...woman...warned me not to not to interfere with the experiment, but my homeworld must be avenged! [He looks around briefly , sees that no one is around, and then turns on the uplink to the SoL. On the screen is the space cat.] SoL: Cat: Meow. Camping World: [The Observer stares at the screen for a moment, and then switches off the SoL uplink.] Observer: Oh dear. I seem to have transmogrified them. The biped with the van keys will be most annoyed. SoL: [Mike and the bots reenter. The space cat is busily hitting the counter with its paws.] Tom: Hey, isn't that cute, he's swiping at invisible pests.. Tiny Voice: Hey! Mike: He's attacking the nanites! [Mike grabs the cat and holds it in midair.> Crow! Take the cat! [Mike tosses the cat to Crow, who puts down his magazine and sammich. Mike then rushes to the nanite-scope] Nanites! Nanites! Speak to me! [Back in the nanite-scope, destruction reigns. Fires are seen in the distance. Jody stands alone in the shot.] Jody: Oh-oh-the-nanitity! Death-despair-carnage! No-no-no-no! Mike: Nanites! We're really sorry about this! Did the cat cause much damage? Jody: Of-course! Over-eighty-percent-of-our-society-is-gone! Oh-woe-is-us! Mike: Eighty precent! Is there anything that we can do? [The view switches back to the nanites. All is now calm. Jody stands alone.] Jody: Do-about-what? Mike: About your entire society being destroyed! Jody: That? Oh. We-rebuilt-that-seconds-ago. Ancient-history. Say? Want-to- see-the-mini-series-about-it? Mike: Maybe later. [The lights begin to flash.] We've got movie sign. [The bots and Mike run about. Crow drops the space cat. As the crew moves away, we see the cat begin to nibble on the sammich. As the doors open, we hear two "meows."] 6...5...4...3...2...1... [Mike and the Bots enter and sit.] >[The scene changes to a city . A golden tower looms in the background. Inside >the tower, an eyelid pops open. Rungo sits up.] >Rungo: Oh. What am I doing here? Where am I? Mike: Hey! It's Admiral Pointdexter! > What have you done with >my wife and my son? [He turns to witness a door opening. Chaos steps out >from behind the door. Rungo grabs his club. Chaos licks his sword. They >fight. The camera focuses on a monitor as the fight moves offscreen. Dissolve >to a scene of several men observing the fight on their monitors. A woman >steps into view.] >Uranus: So, how is our test subject? [The camera pans upwards from her legs. >She's wearing white armor, a white hoop skirt, blue lipstick and little else.] Tom: Ah, it must be laundry day for Uranus, and that’s all she had left to wear. >Uranus: Magnificent. That halfwit Chaos has been reconstructed to this level? >Researcher: And this is just 30% of his ultimate potential. [The Censormatic 5000 activates yet again] >Uranus: Work hard and improve Chaos, and you will become my worthy >servant. [Pause] And continue your work as well....Sho. >[Back to the fight. ] >Chaos: Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Crow: Pow? Are they borrowing sound effects from the 1960s Batman? >Rungo: [vo] This guy ain't human! [He kicks Chaos in the groin. Chaos looks >pained. Rungo then shouts, and tosses a fireball at Chaos. Chaos grins >slightly. Rungo goes flying back from the blast.] >Rungo: [Gurgling through blood] But how could he beat me? I couldn't see >him coming.... Mike: Well, I think that I've found your problem. >Chaos: And now I can have my revenge. I'll never forgive you.......GAIA!!!!! Crow: Acting lessons courtesy of The Bill Shatner School of..... ACTING!!! >[The scene shifts. Someone's riding a chopper. It's Eiji! A door flies open. >Eiji and Kayin step through. A young kid with spikey hair looks scared as he >clings to the bed where his injured father lies. We see a photo of the family in >happier times. The wife nods. Eiji's hand clinch and he strikes the door >frame.] Tom: Must. Kill. The . Invisible. Spiders! >Eiji: How could they do this to someone as tough as Rungo? Mike: He must have gotten Sinatra mad. >Kayin: Yeah, if the Organization's really on the move then....Sofia! They'll >be moving against her too! Eiji, you look after Sofia. I'll use a few methods of >my own to keep track of the Organization. >Eiji: Gotcha. >The Kid: Eiji! Please take me with you! Daddy got hurt trying to protect us. >[The kid yells, showing us that he's missing his front teeth.] Now, I've got to >get them back! Mike: Home Alone 3: This time it's for vengeance! >Eiji: You leave this to me. Whomever did this will pay dearly. Stay here and >protect your mom. Okay? >[The kid nods. Eiji and the kid then touch pinky fingers. Crow: ET. > The scene shifts back to the motorcycle.] >Eiji: There it is. Tom: Here it tis. o/~Are you looking for it? Do you know... o/~ Mike: Tom... >[Eiji is walking his cycle along the road. A soccer ball lands at his feet.] >Soccer kid #1: Hey mister! Over here! >Eiji: [Grinning] Right! >[The ball flies through the air. We see Eiji playing some soccer. He dribbles >the ball a short ways then begins to bounce it off his knee.] >Eiji: are you guys ready to give up? >Soccer kid #2: What do you expect? We're only kids. >Eiji: Sorry about that. Guess I got carried away. Mike: Say, do you get the feeling that the 'top fighters in the world' got their rankings the same way that Kramer became the top fighter in his school? >Sofia: [Off-screen] Hey you guys! >Soccer kid #3: It's Sofia! Tom: Oh, sorry. I thought you were Dale. >[The camera pans up the hill. Sofia is standing atop the hill wearing a >sweatsuit.] >Eiji: So. There you are. >Sofia: Oh, it's you! [She bows.] >[Coffee is poured. Maybe it's tea. Who knows?] Tom: o/~ Every breath you take.... o/~ >Eiji: You look well. >Sofia: Thanks. So do you. I've been staying here, teaching the kids. It's nice. Tom: o/~ Young teacher. The subject.. o/~ Mike: Tom. No more singing. >Eiji: Anyone else here? >Sofia: Nope, it's just me. >Eiji: You sure look happy. >Sofia: So why are you really here? [She sits down] >Eiji: [shrugs] Guess I'm a lousy actor huh? Mike: Nope, just drawn that way. > Well, I'm sorry to have to say this but, The Organization is on the >move. >[Sofia goes pale. The sounds of dishes being dropped is heard] >[Cut to footage of the attack on the carrier in a darkened room] >Uranus: Equipped with a human mind and body, we have created a killing >machine with regenerate powers beyond anything imaginable. Gentlemen, I >give you THE MAN MACHINE PROJECT! >Witness 1: Oh. >Witness 2: Incredible! [The Censormatic 5000 activates again.] >Uranus: This model is just a prototype. The production model will be several >times more powerful. >Witness 3 Just the prototype? Miss Uranus, I must admit, your powers are >remarkable. >Uranus: Thank you very much. Mike: I do so love empty compliments. >Witness 3: We look forward to viewing the production model soon. >Intercom Voice: Miss Uranus. >Uranus: [Annoyed] What is it? Crow: The copier repairman's here. >Intercom Voice: Eiji Shinjo has contacted Sofia. >Uranus: Goood. [Laughs.] >[Cut to a darkened dojo. A younger Eiji is meditating. Suddenly, he looks up to >see a person walking towards him in the fog. It's Sho.] Mike: Who's the Shogun of Harlem? Bots: Sho'nuff! >Eiji: Big Brother! Sho, answer me! Why have you joined the Organization? >What have they done to you? Sho! >[Sho draws his blade and leaps into the air.] >Eiji: It that your answer? Then so be it! [He draws his blade and blocks the >attack. The blades meet, and Sho hangs in mid air, with an evil grin on his >face. Eiji's blade is still for a moment, and then shatters. Eiji falls backwards, >with blood streaming from his chest. Mike: Good lord. Tyson's gone insane now. >Then he bolts upright. It was all a dream] Tom: A dream? For a second it looked like John Woo was directing. Crow: No. There wasn't a fight in a church. >Eiji: Ah! [He gasps for air.] >[Cut to outside of Sofia's house. It's still night, and Eiji is standing shirtless, >practicing with his sword.] >Sofia: As dedicated as ever, I see. >[Eiji turns towards Sofia. Switch to a very blurry overhead view.] Mike: FOCUS! >Eiji: Couldn't sleep. >Sofia: Can we talk for a bit? [Yep, the Censormatic 5000 activates again.] >Ejij: Sure. >[Cut to a large emerald throne in the center of an empty room. Uranus sits >atop the throne.] Crow: Boy, those Japanese sure build elegant toi.. Mike: Crow, it's not that kind of throne... >Uranus: [Laughs.] Now you'll do as I command. Sofia... >[Back to the house. Eiji is lying on the ground, and Sofia sits next to him.] >Sofia: So that's what happened. Crow: Hey, could let us in on the plot? >Eiji: And I've been dreaming about the chance to cross swords with my >brother again. And now my dream is coming true. If only it wasn't. But it is. Mike: But it isn't. Tom: But it is. Crow: Isn't. Tom: Is too! Mike: Knock it off. >Sofia: Still, I envy you. >Eiji: But why? Tom: Your keen fashion sense, of course. >Sofia: The Organization used me in their experiments. They destroyed all of >my memories. I have no clue about my past. No matter how bitter they may >be, at least your memories are real ones. Crow: Blade Runner. Tom: So, Eiji's dreaming about Unicorns too? >Eiji: [Sitting up] Sofia... >Sofia: I'm sorry. Maybe I should have my mother and little sister come out >here for a while. Maybe then I could make some memories for myself. >Eiji: Good idea. Nothing's better than spending time with your family. >[Sofia's eye suddenly flashes green.] Mike: Please, no flash photography in the theater. >Eiji: what's wrong? >Sofia:[Monotone] Huh? Nothing. I'm just a little tired. I guess that I'm not >used to having visitors. Good night, Eiji. >Eiji: Good night. >[Cut to a shower head, spraying water. Sofia's nude and taking a shower. [The Censormatic 5000 begins to whoop and red lights flash near the top of the theater. The Bots gesture wildly.] > She reaches down and turns off the water. Then she flips her hair, making a >'swick' sound, and revealing her eyes, which are now pupil-less.] >[Back in Eiji's bedroom, he stares out the window. He hears something and >turns towards the sound. It's Sofia, walking into the room. She's still sans >clothing and she's keeping her arms behind her. She crouches on the bed, >staring predatorily towards Eiji. [The Censormatic 5000 is whooping louder than ever.] >She then pulls a knife from behind her back, and shouts "Eyaah!" Tom: That's spelled Hi-Keeba. >Eiji dodges out of the way as the knife hits his pillow. He leaps through the >closed window, and lands outside fully clothed.] Crow: Huh? He can change clothes while flying through the air, in 1.2 seconds? Mike: Apparently he's done some community theater . >[Sonja also leaps through the air and lands outside, although she's now in her >fighting uniform. Crow: But, but...? Tom: I guess that Sofia got her window from the same place that Bruce Wayne got the batpoles. >They stare at each other warily across the field.] >Eiji: Sofia! What the...???? >[She draws a whip and cracks it, sending a stream of white haloish projectiles >against Eiji.] >Sofia: THUNDER RING!! >[He easily deflects them.] >Eiji: Cut it OUT!!! Sofia! Crow: Mom! Sofia's bugging me! Mike: [Falsetto] Stop it you two, or I'll turn this car right around! >Sofia: HURRICANE!!! >[Sofia begins to spin at a very high rate, turning into a tornado] Crow: Boy, it's so nice that they announce what they're going to do. Really polite of them. >[She then slams into Eiji, who goes flying away from her. As he is knocked >backwards, Sofia fires another ring into Eiji's back. Eiji crashes to the ground, >then tries to regain his balance, then topples over again. Sofia walks towards >him, stares at him for a moment, then she raises her whip as if to strike...] Crow: Strike! UNION NOW! >[A tear runs down her face.] Crow: Ah, the tears of a ninja when there's no one around. Mike: Pagliotti? >Eiji: [vo] A tear. Who's controlling her? >Sofia: DIE!!!!! [She swings the whip towards Eiji, who stands placidly.] >EIJI!!! >[As we dissolve into Eiji's face, lights appears all around. The lights then >disappear, and a single fleck of blood appears on Sofia's face. Her eyes return >to normal. Eiji then hugs her.] >Eiji: Sofia. It's all right now. Mike: In fact, it's a blast. > It's all right. >Sofia: I know. [She then collapses.] >[Switch to Uranus' throne room.] >Uranus: Fascinating. Well done Eiji Shinjo. It's all up to you now. My Sho. >[Back to the meadow] >Sofia:[On the ground, crying] Forgive me. I was a fool to think that I could >ever escape their control. Please forgive me. Tom: These tears I cry aren't tears of pain.... Mike: Tom... >Eiji: It's all right. Mike: Come on. It's just Beaches!! >Voice: [from behind, of screen] Eiji. >[Eiji turns. "Look. It's something important" music plays. Sho stands on the >hill behind Eiji.] >Eiji: Big brother! Did you do this to her? >Sho: And what if I did? Crow: Huh. Huh. And I threw away all of your Star Wars figures too. >Eiji: Then you owe me.[slight pause] An explanation. >Sho: I owe you nothing. >[Eiji's eyes harden.] >Eiji: Is that your answer? IS IT? Mike: Yeah? You want some of me?! >Sho: Today you realize your dream, Eiji. Crow: The dream is always the same... [The Censormatic 5000 activates again. Crow looks annoyed.] > [He fires an attack against Eiji.] >Eiji: Sofia, get away! [He pushes her aside and tries to block the attack. He >screams for a second, and is then knocked to the ground. He gets up as Sho >leaps into the air, and launches a kick, with his foot glowing red.] Crow: Some anti-fungrial pads will take care of that. >[Eiji also leaps up, his foot also glowing, and the two fighter's feet meet in >midair. They then draw swords and begin to clash.] >[ A globe of light envelops both of them.] Tom: The Ship of Lights! >Sofia: Eiji, NO!!! >[The sphere dissipates, and Eiji falls to the ground screaming.] [He then tries >to reach for his sword, but a boot steps on his hand.] [It's Sho.] >Sho: It's all over, Eiji. You'll die by my hand, as you dreamed. >Eiji: Now I understand. They've taken your soul away from you. You aren't >my brother. You aren't Sho! Crow: THAT'S NOT MY MOTHER! [looks around] Oh. Sorry. Flashback. >Sho: Hmm. And how is knowing that going to help ? It still won't change the >reality that you can't beat me. Fare thee well, Eiji Shinjo. >[Suddenly, bolts begin to his Sho's torso. He turns to see Sofia.] >Sofia: No, Eiji! >Sho: Prototype. Bots: HEY!!! Tom: That's upgradism, pallie. Crow: We'll see you in court. > Don't interfere. [He draws his blade] >Eiji: NO! Sofia! Look out! >[A nimbus of red energy flashes out from Sho, knocking Sofia backwards. >Switch to Eiji's eyes, as he stares while Sofia crashes to the ground.] >Sho: Your primitive program. It's no match for my cyber-brain! One more >shot and I'll finish you off, once and for all. >Eiji: Wait! [He staggers up from the ground] You've dishonored our name. Mike: Well, just send Toku to lobby for the imperial favor, and then burn the favor to nullify the dishonor. > You've threatened. My friends. That's enough. YOU'RE GOING >DOWN! >Sho: Hah. Useless. What can a simple human do against a super being? Crow: Do you get the feeling that Batman would have this guy surrounded by burning oil and unconscious before Sho could finish that speech? Tom: Um-hmm. >[Sho draws his sword and fires an energy blast from it. Eiji holds his ground. >Sho seems surprised.] >Sho: Die! This is the end. Huh? >[The attack passes around Eiji like a stream around a boulder. Eiji looks up, >then leaps to the attack, shouting, and slashing into Sho.] Tom: Whoops, that's a two minute penalty. The Flyers get the power play. >[Sho reels from the attack, then he falls to the ground as Eiji leaps into the air, >spinning like a top.] >Eiji: Check and Mate! It's over! Now, you're going to tell me everything you >know. Mike: Well, that won't take long. Crow: Well, first came the dinosaurs. But they got big and fat.. >Sho: Impossible. How could I have lost? I am the perfect being and you are >not. Oh, LADY URANUS!! Tom: [Lewisian voice] NICE LADY URANUS! HOYLE! >Eiji: Uranus? Now who's that? Mike: He was the Greek ruler of the titans , but that's not important right now. >[An arrow of light falls from the sky and impales Sho.] [He then explodes.] >Eiji: [Looking up] Huh? >[Lady Uranus hovers in front of the moon. She carries a bow, and her wings >are outstretched. Angelic-like music plays softly.] >Eiji: Who are you!!!! >Uranus: This has given me excellent data. Now I can complete my work. >Eiji: Data? What do you mean? Data: Captain, I do not understand this concept of humor... Mike: Get him out of here before the lawyers see him. >Uranus: [Laughing] A pleasure indeed, Eiji Shinjo. My name is Uranus. >Eiji: Uranus? Mike: Don't even consider it guys. >Uranus: Everything is gone just as I have planned. Constructing a man- >machine android in the form of your brother resulted in heightening your >emotions to levels I have never seen before. I used Sofia for the same reason. >It's so easy to manipulate you through your emotions. You're just an amateur. Mike: So they have a professional manipulator league? Tom: That'd be Congress. But they're semi-pro. >Eiji: Why you... What do you want from me?!?!?! >Uranus: That's for me to know. Mike: I like you Dottie. LIKE! >[She laughs , flies away, and fades quickly from sight.] >Eiji: Wait! Come back!! Sofia! Sofia! >Sofia: Eiji? Eiji? >Eiji: Easy does it. Don't talk. Sofia. Uranus. The Organization. Man >Machines. What is going on here? >[Fade out to blackness. In the bottom right hand corner, a light comes through >a door that is opening. The scene then shifts to a nameplate on a tank. Chaos.] >Uranus: Chaos. Now you are invincible and the test to prove your perfection >shall be the enjoyable task of taking care of that traitor. Whoever Tom: Whomever. > betrays the Organization must die. Gaia. >[Chaos raise his head, and his eyes are now in android form.] >Chaos: [gurgling] Gaia. >[Flash to a blue sky. We see a sign advertising a knife thrower, which features >Ellis sticking her tongue out and holding up the peace sign. Tom: Yes, knives and peace naturally go together. >Kayin looks at the sign, then walks towards the circus tent.] >Kayin: Here we are. Please be all right. >[A knife heads towards the camera. Then four knives land around an outline >of a figure on a board.] >Ellis: All right! [giggles.] Okay! Now I'm ready to try it with eight knives. Mike: Hey! It's the comic relief! Bots: [Emotionlessly] Yay. >Trainer: Ellis! [She whips around to his direction, startled to see him.] Now >let's try it with me on the board. Shall we? >Ellis: But sir? What's going to happen if I mess up? >Trainer: Ellis. I believe in your talent. You should begin to believe in yourself >too. >Ellis: Yes. [She bows] Yes. You're right. I'll do my best. [She salutes] >Trainer: Just don't stick me. >Eliis: Here we go. [She draws out a bunch of knives from behind her. She >gives a determined stares then...] >Kayin: Ellis? >Ellis:[Turning towards Kayin] Huh? [The sounds of knives whipping through >the air can be heard. The trainer screams.] >[Kayin stands in the tent's opening.] >Kayin: Hello. >Ellis: Huh?? Kay's back! Tom: It's Decipher's Battle Arena Toshinden CCG! Crow: Or they're borrowing characters from Men in Black. > Welcome! Welcome back! Mike: Were your dreams your ticket out? >[Kayin smiles for a moment, then turns his attention to the right, as does >Ellis. The trainer stands against the throwing boards, knives extending from >behind him where he presumably was going to stand.] >Trainer: Ellis. >[She grins a wide grin] >Ellis: Oh well! But I'll never give up. [She salutes again.] Tom: What is it with the salutes? >[The scene changes to a cliff, atop of which a figure stands. It's Eiji. He grabs >his katana, draws it and leaps high into the air. As he passes in front of the >sun, the screen becomes white, and it's credit time. Japanese Bubble gum >music begins to play....] Mike: Halftime. Let's get out of here.. Crow: Ah, but I wanted to see who played Ellis. And figure out the meaning of that last scene... Tom: It twas the Amazing RANDO... Mike: You're running that joke into the ground, Servo. [Mike and the Bots leave the theater.] 1...2...3...4...5...6... [It's the bridge of the SoL. Mike and the bots are dressed like the characters in the movie.] Mike: Hi everyone. We've decided that in honor of the movie, we're going to make our own MST3K fighting game. Tom, you're first. Tom: Okay, I'm TOM! I can fly and I attack by spinning myself round and round and round and slamming into my foes. Oh, and I've got a forklift. [Crow leaps into the scene.] Crow: I'm CROOOOOOOW! And I've got power over who lives and dies! Mike: Crow. Crow: Sorry, all right. I'm Crooooooow! And I... Cat: MEOW!! Crow: I'll take care of you in a minute. Anyway, I'm Crooooooow! And.. Cat #2: MEOW!! MEOW!! Cat #1: MEOW! Mike: Hey! There's two of them now! Tom: [looking under the counter] Mike, there's a lot more than that. [Tom brings up a box full of space cats.] Box full of cats: MEOW!! MEOW!! MEOW!! MEOW!! Mike: Say, is it getting hot in here? Tom: We better check the environmental systems. [The trio leaves.] Camping World: Observer: It is extremely doubtful that the puppets and the biped might have been transmogrified. After all, the device is only designed to suppress certain desires in them. It couldn't have possibly devolved them. [The Observer turns the SoL uplink back on, and is greeted by a box full of meowing cats. He stares at the cats for a moment. Then he turns off the uplink again.] Perhaps the wires on his blasted machine are crossed... [He begins to use his brain powers to examine the Uplink...] SoL: [Mike, Crow, and Tom wander back in] Mike: Huh. The rest of the station is comfortable. Crow: Yeah, and the environmental controls are set for 72 degrees on the bridge. Maybe I left the thawmaster on... [Gypsy rushes in from the left.] Gypsy: Mike, Mike! I've completed my analysis of those space cats! They exist only to do three things; eat, reproduce and go Meow. Cats: Meow! Tom: You mean that they're.... Tabbles? Mike: [Groan] Crow: But Tabbles provide us with love... Tabble: Meow! [Swipes at Crow with a claw.] Crow: YEOOWWCH!!!! Blasted cat. Where's the airlock...? Mike: Crow, we have to keep in good graces with the ASPCA. Gypsy: And when in close proximity with other tabbles, the air temperature increases to extreme levels. Mike: You mean that when they're around each other [He turns to the camera] ...stuff starts to burst into flame? Tom: Ooh. Subtle meaning there, Mike. Tabbles: MEOW! Mike: Gypsy! Start researching how to get rid of these tabbles! [The lights begin to flash] We've got Movie sign!! 1...2...3...4...5...6... [Mike and the Bots sit] Crow: Tabbles? Isn't it enough that the movie's violating copyrights? DO WE HAVE TO ALSO? Mike: Hey, it's parody, Crow. > Executive Producers: BMG Victor, Inc > MOVIC, Co., Ltd. >Screen Play: Jirou Takayama Crow: Ooh, the first half must have drained the original script writer of all of his creativity. Tom: Sigh. Just like Police Academy. When will they learn? >[The world is red. Tree tops flash underneath the viewer at high speed. The >camera pans back, and three battlesuited thugs are flying in the forest, looking >for someone. Crow: Hey! OJ's still looking for the murderer! Tom: Okay, that's out OJ quota for the film. >Thug 1: Obstacle detected at target point X-286. >Original Character design: Tsukasa Kotobuki [The thugs dart around in the trees] >Thug 1: Initiate attack sequence. Tom: Switching to targeting computer. Crow: Red leader, we’re picking up unidentified bogeys heading your way. > Animation character design: Kazuto Nakazawa Mashiro Yamane >[The thugs race by. As they pass, a large man carrying a sword lands on a >tree branch in the foreground, with his back to the audience. He pauses for a >moment, then jumps high into the air, and prepares to slice one of the thugs.] Crow: Yep, jumping is faster than flying. That's why Denver's new airport uses those pogo planes. >[We can see that the sword wielder is Gaia.] >Art Director: Hiroshi Kato >[The scene shifts to the top of Chaos' head.] >Chaos: [Raising his head.] Hee, hee, hee. I can hardly wait. Tom: For the new Summer Season on Come... Mike: Um, Tom? We don't work there anymore... Tom: Oh. Nevermind. >Stupid fool. Step right into my trap. >[They fight for a moment, then Gaia slices Chaos in two. Then, suddenly, >we're back in the forest.] >[Gaia stands stoically for a moment, then is dramatically backlit] >[The scene fades to a rising sun. Eiji is riding by on his motorcycle.] Mike: Dottie, I've got to get the X-2 back. >Battle Arena Toshinden Vol 2 >Director Masami Ohbari >[The scene shifts to a blue sky where puffs of smoke appear in the air] >[Panning down, we see the circus tent, and fireworks can be heard in the air.] >[Eiji pulls to a stop in front of a sign featuring Ellis.] >[Inside the tent, Ellis readies several knives for throwing. The crowd watches >expectantly. Ellis, who we can now see is blindfolded, stands in front of a >clown hanging from the target board. All is quiet for a moment, then Ellis >throws the knives...] >[And they land around the clown without harming him.] Mike: (Ellis) Hey! Those aren't my knives! >[The crowds gives a standing ovation, and Ellis giggles appreciatively] >[Ellis slips behind a tent flap, and wipes her brow. Suddenly, a towel is >thrown at her] Crow: Hey, now they're ripping off Police Squad! >Ellis: Huh? Hey! >[The camera pans back to reveal Eiji. He salutes Ellis.] >Ellis: Eiji! >[Switch to Ellis' dressing room, lit only by a oil lamp] >Ellis: The man machine project? >Eiji: Yeah. The Organization is trying to produce an army of artificial super >soldiers. It's pretty horrible. >Kayin: And they're gathering data on us to help program the android's >fighting techniques. Mike: Well, they might also be working on a Doom clone. We're just not sure. >[Ellis stands] >Ellis: Well that's just fine! How come they didn't come looking for any data >about me? Tom: Well, there was your autobiography: "Ellis: Everything That You Ever Wanted to Know About Me." >[Eiji's eyes appear in the bottom quadrant of the screen] >Eiji: Ha. Ha. I guess that your data isn't worth too much. >[Kayin's eyes show up in the bottom left quadrant] >Kayin: Yep, that Eiji's right. Mike: Boy, if Michelle were here, she'd throw these two out on the lawn and be posting a comment about it by now. >[The screen goes black for a moment, then suddenly, flashes of silver appear. >Ellis is now holding a knife at Eiji's and Kayin's throats] >Ellis: Now what was that? All: Wah-wah-wah. Tom: Come to think of it, Michelle might have done that too. >Eiji: Uh, uh, uh, I didn't mean it. >Kayin: We didn't mean to say that you were weak. It's just that the other guys >that they went after were just... different. You know? Crow: [Bostonian accent]: Mr Speaker, I have no such recollection of driving off that bridge... >Eiji: Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Just different. >[Ellis withdraws the knives] >Ellis: Okay. I'll buy that. >[Eiji and Kayin slump to the table] >Eiji: You know, for such a technically superior being, that man machine >wasn't that hard to beat. >Ellis: Tell me, what did this android unit look like? Hm. Mike: Kind of like Rutger Hauer, oddly enough. >Eiji:[Dramatic voice] It was made to look like my brother, Sho. >[Brief flashback to the battle sequence from volume 1] >Ellis: What's next? >Eiji: There's only one thing left to do. Tom: ....and that's getting dooown! >We're going to find their hideout and hit them hard. >Kayin: We just wanted to let you know what's been going on. Just be careful, >okay? >[They leave] >Ellis: [Angrily] Ooh. Those two. Crow: Oh well. I guess that I'll just mope and watch Heathers. > I want to fight. >[Ellis then looks rather cheerful and snaps off another salute.] >[Outside the tent, as Kayin and Eiji leave, we can see a ninja with a video >camera recording the scene] Mike: Wow. The rivalry between Inside Edition and Hard Copy is getting fierce. >[Back inside the tent, we see Ellis practicing her act as several clowns practice >in the background. As Ellis' knives hit the target, one of the clowns falls off >the ball that he's been standing on] >[Ellis laughs. The clown assisted by another, limps off, stage right.] >Ellis: [Waving] Good night you two. >[Suddenly, a sound is heard from behind Ellis. She turns around, and Chaos >steps from the shadows.] >Chaos: It's showtime. Crow: The Running Man. Isn't there a law about plagiarism? Mike: Calm down Crow. >[Chaos draws his scythe and swings it at Ellis. She backflips back to the >target and withdraws two of her knives.] >Ellis: You keep this up and you'll be sorry. >Chaos: [Licking his blade] Mike:[Drunkenly] Excuse me. I need to shave my tongue. > You are the bait to lure Gaia straight into my trap. >[Ellis looks surprised] >Ellis: Huh? My father? Tom: Now were did THAT plot thread come from? Crow: The Empire Strikes Back. Mike: Crow... >Chaos: We can not forgive his betrayal, so now he must be executed. >Ellis: I'll never let you ! >[She leaps to the attack, mutters something that sounds like Lolipop!, and >begins spinning like a top, hitting Chaos to no effect.] >Chaos: What was that? Some sort of joke? Tom: No, this is a joke. A man machine walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "we don't see many of you around here." The man machine says, " At these prices, I'm not surprised." >Ellis: Watch it! >[The battle resumes. Ellis launches an attack, but Chaos knocks her to the >floor.] >Chaos: I won't kill you. After all, you are the bait. But I'll make sure that you >can not run! >[He raises his weapon, as if to strike..] >[Ellis braces for the blow..] >[The scythe is blocked by a sword, held by a clown] Tom: The clowns are carrying swords. This must be some sort of Japanese thing. >Clown: Hold it right there! >[A second clown kicks Chaos in the head.] >Clown 2: We got to thinking that instead of hunting randomly for your >hideout, it would be faster to set a trap for you here. >[The clown removes his mask to reveal....] Tom: Hey! It's Michael Crawford! Crow: Oh great. It's now a martial arts musical. Just shoot me now. >[...Eiji] >Kayin: And you fell for it, just like we knew you would. >Chaos: I see. You two must be Eiji and Kayin. Mike: Or Shields and Yarnell. >Eiji: Give up the hideout and we might let you live. >Chaos: Why don't you make me? >Kayin: Why you...! [He launches into the air, sword in hand] Sonic Slash! >[A look of terror crosses over Kayin's face. Chaos begins to teleport around. >Chaos then strikes Kayin, knocking him back.] >Eiji: KAYIN! Crow: KHAAAANNNN!! >[Chaos continues to teleport around as Eiji attacks him. Eiji jumps back to >join Kayin.] >Chaos: Heh. Heh. Heh. >Kayin: That move was impossible. >Eiji: I know. Crow: Great. So the writers are admitting that they're ignoring physics. >Chaos: That copy of Sho was a prototype. It operated at only 30% of capacity. >Eiji: That was only 30%? >Chaos: Yes, and I bet .. Tom: ...that you're ready for some FOOTBALL!!!! > that you were feeling mighty proud of yourselves for beating him. Now you >will feel the power of a complete man-machine unit. PREPARE >YOURSELVES! Tom: TEST YOUR MIGHT! >[Reddish smoke begins to whirl around Chaos. He leaps into the air, and the >area around him explodes. Kayin and Eiji are thrown back by the blast.] >Chaos: (Laughing) Is that all? I thought so. Now then. >[The scene shifts to Ellis, who is on the ground, crying. Chaos walks towards >her.] >Chaos: You're coming with me now. Crow: But I don't want to ride the Wild Chipmunk! It's not safe! >[He draws nearer to Ellis, when suddenly, a gigantic sword lands in the >ground before Chaos.] Mike: It's William Wallace! The good movie has arrived to fight the bad! >Chaos: Hmm? (Peering up) >[Gaia stands before Chaos wearing a cloak.] Tom: I wonder what that's comfort rated at. >Eiji: It's him. Gaia. Mike: [Valley voice] Dad? >Chaos: Welcome to my trap. [He swings at Gaia, who easily dodges. Gaia >reaches down and retrieves his sword . The two trade blows briefly, then stand >apart staring at each other. Chaos now has a line of blood across his chest. >Gaia pulls back his cloak to reveal a pendant. Ellis gasps in amazement.] >Ellis: [gasps] That's father's pendant. >[The two continue their battle] Crow: That random non-sequiteur brought to by Jess Nevins, a proud supporter of Dada. Tom: o/~ I'm going to Dizneeland... o/~ Mike: The other dada. >Gaia: Now then, is this the best that Uranus can produce? Just as I thought. >Or perhaps you can not fight an opponent for which you have no data. >[Chaos exhales a continuous burst of greenish gas. Crow: Wow. He needs some Mentos. >Ellis: FATHER! [She darts across the ground and throws herself in front of >the blast. Chaos throws some daggers, which land in Ellis' back. Gaia looks >stunned as his daughter goes down in slow motion.] Tom: Nothing to see here. Move along. >Eiji+Kayin: ELLIS!!! >Gaia: Oh, Ellis. >Chaos: The child just had to interfere. Well, no matter. I've achieved what I >set out to do. >Gaia: And what was that? Mike: Well, I covered the Grand Canyon in yellow crepe paper. I call it "Giant Bannana." >Chaos: Those throwblades are poison. The antidote is rare Crow: Shoot, my antidote's well done. Mike: Just use an alabaster potion. They're only uncommons. > and is known only by the Organization. If you want to save her, you'll >have to come with us. >Gaia: You monster! >Chaos: Gaia! Soon I will have the pleasure of presenting the spectacle of your >death in front of Lady Uranus. I'll be waiting for you..... in HELL. Mike: That's HELL ((tm)). Tom: Time to go.... [They leave.] 1...2...3...4...5...6... [SoL: Mike, Tom and Crow are surrounded by meowing tabbles. Crow is staring straight at the camera with a confused look on his face.] Crow: Mike? Servo? Were we just in a trai... Mike: Never mind Crow! Gypsy! Is that anti-tabble program ready? Tabbles: MEOW!! Gypsy: [Offscreen] I'm working on it.... Tabbles: M M EEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOO W WW W MM MM E O O W W W W M MM M EEEEE O O W W M M M E O O W W M M EEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOO W W Crow: Mike! They're starting to do really bad ASCII art! Mike: Gypsy!! Hurry up!! Meanwhile on Camping World: [Observer is pacing in front of the fire while Bobo sits toasting a bannana.] Observer: There are no cats. There are no cats. Oh why must I be tormented so?!! The suspense is unbearable. I most know whether or not my vengeance has been achieved. And that cruel mocking of me by those insipid bipeds must end! Torment me with visions of felines, will they..? I must know what they're up to... Bobo: You could just watch them on the observation screen. [The Observer looks up, with a look of enlightenment] Observer: Yes. Of course! The auxiliary uplink. I'm glad that I thought of it. [He turns towards Bobo and stares for a second, then turns away in disgust.] Never mind. There's nothing there to affect. [The Observer turns on the screen. The scene shifts to the bridge of the SoL where a fierce battle with the tabbles is occurring. Mike and the bots can be heard, but not seen from the screen's viewpoint. Large tufts of fur fly by the screen, as do occasional tabbles. Shouts of Hi-Keeba! can be heard, as can constant Meows, shouts of "I'm Huge!" and "Viva Sparky!" The Observer watches for a moment, blinks, blinks again, then slowly reaches over and turns off the screen.] Observer: [Softly and deliberately> I think I'll go for a walk. Bobo: Have fun! o/~ Oh Mickey. Como estas. Como estas, me gustas mas...o/~ SoL: [The fight continues] Mike: Gypsy! We need a solution! [aside] Boy, all that Doom is coming in useful here... Gypsy: [Offscreen] Mike, I think that I can modify the Censormatic 5000 to interact with the tabbles, but it'll take a while. Mike: Okay Gypsy, but hurry. [The lights begin to flash. Keep them out of the theater! 6...5...4...3...2...1.... [Mike and the bots stagger into the seats. "Meows" can be softly heard outside the theater.] >[The scene shifts to a highway. Cars race by. A dune buggy. An ambulance. >Several police cars.] Mike: Breaker 19, is anyone there? Come on back truckers and talk to teddy bear. Crow: Hey look! It's the General Lee! Tom: [Southern accent] Yeee-Hah! Them Duke boys won't get away from me now! >[Closeup on a female chest wearing a police badge.] [The censormatic 5000 once again activates.] >Female Voice: I don't buy any of this. >[It becomes apparent that the voice belongs to Tracy, who is driving the dune >buggy.] Mike: So, this country's police officers dress like skate punks? Tom: Must be New Zealand. >[Inside the ambulance, Eiji and Kayin keep an eye on Ellis. The scene >switches to a hospital room where Eiji stands over Ellis' body.] >Eiji: Ellis, even though we were there for you, we still couldn't save you. Mike: That's next on a very special episode of Friends. >[Outside Kayin leans up against a wall. Suddenly a hand hits the wall next to >him.] >Tracy: I want some answers. Crow: Football Practice! 42! The Tea Pot Dome Scandal! [sobs] I don't know! > Are you going to tell me what's going on? Tom: Well, sister, sister, sister, there's too many of us crying. >We've got reports of strange people in the woods near that circus. We've got a >girl who's suffering from a poison that we've never even SEEN before. And >even if I believe that bit about fighting a stray dog off, I'm betting that it >wasn't your run of the mill street fight. Tom: Congratulations. You've proven yourself to be more observant than all of the scientists in all of the movies that we've ever been forced to watch. >[The scene changes. Gaia stands on a hill. Ellis gets shot again in a >flashback.] Mike: Wow. A Peter Gabriel video. >[Back in the hospital, Ellis is in a coma. Back across the street. >Gaia stares at the hospital] >Gaia: (vo) Take care of my daughter. >[Meanwhile, at Uranus' mountain stronghold, Chaos is laughing hysterically] Crow: I'm sorry, I was just thinking of a Herman's Head episode. Tom: Are you laughing at me? Are you laughing at me? There ain't no body else here, so you must be laughing at me... >[Inside the fortress, Chaos is wired to several monitoring systems] Mike: I know Sci-Fi's here somewhere... >Chaos: I'll kill you! I'll kill you! GAIA! Crow: KHAN!!!!! Tom: JEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! Mike: All right you two... >Uranus: You've done very well, Chaos. If I know Gaia, he'll be coming here >any time now. >[A hand reaches towards a button on a control panel.] All: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Mike: Dr. F? >Gaia: Any time. But now, we've got the data on his fighting techniques now. >Once we've loaded an opponent's data into you, any attack will be turned >back instantly. [In the background scenes of Chaos' fight at the circus are >playing.] That is the whole foundation of the man-machine project. Once we >have an opponent's data, you will always be able to destroy him first. Tom: Guess that they've never heard of GIGO. >[Scenes of a burned out military base, in a grainy news-like footage.] >Reporter: Appearing without warning, still unidentified military forces >appeared without warning inflicting devastating damage on this military >base. What is the enemy force that can lay waste to uncounted men and >modern weaponry? Crow: Tabbles? Tom: The Soviet tank rush? Mike: Pauly Shore? >[The scene shifts to Ellis' hospital room, where Tracy, Eiji, and Kayin are >watching the news report.] Crow: This is boring. Is there anything else on? Tom: Hey! How about that puppet show where they watch the movies? Mike: That got canceled, guys. >Reporter: (in a tinny, from the screen voice) And what, if any, are their plans >for similar attacks in the future? >Tracy: You, you mean ? >Eiji: (Turning off the TV) Yeah. That attack was just a demonstration of the >man machine project. The man trying to stop it is that girl's father... Mike: ..Wilt Chamberlain >... Gaia. >Kayin: And now they're using Ellis here as a pawn, in an attempt to draw him >back to their hideout. >Tracy: Those dirty. Crow: Dirty what? Tom: Great, the Censormatic 5000 is working on the people in the picture now. Mike: Hey, maybe it's Gypsy's work. GYPSY? Gypsy: [Offscreen] Almost there, Mike. Crow: I'm afraid that Gypsy's been watching too much MacGuyver, Mike. >Tracy:... Let's go crash their hideout. They're holding the antidote there, >right? >[Eiji's hand hits the wall. That's just the thing. We can't find the hideout.] >Off screen voice: I know where it is. Mike: (French accent) Latrine! >[At the door stands Sofia. ] >Tracy: Who are....? Tom: ...The Thunderbolts? >Kayin: It's you! Crow: Susan! I've been desperately searching for you! >Eiji: Sofia! >Sofia: If you want to go, I will guide you. Tom: Great. Suddenly we're in a spirit walking episode of Voyager. >Eiji: But how do you know? >Sofia: When Uranus took control of me before, I was able to see her thoughts. >I know where it is. Tom: Yep, Treknobabble. Now I know we're in a Voyager episode. Crow: You know where her thought is? >Eiji: Are you sure. >Sofia: Yes. I am. It's like I saw. Everything. It's all there in her mind. >Eiji: Good. >[Kayin nods his head and smiles. The camera shifts back to Eiji's eyes, where >it slowly fades out...] Crow: Did they forget to dub some dialog here? Tom: SLEEEEEPPPPP!!! >[Outside, we see the sun against a blue sky. Suddenly, a motorcycle flies >overhead.] Crow: Great! Now they're ripping off Speed Racer! I'm out of here! [Stands] Mike: Crow, the tabbles? Crow: I'm staying. >[Eiji rides his bike down the highway. Behind him rides Kayin on another >bike, and Sofia and Tracy follow in the pink dune buggy.] Crow: (falsetto) Thelma? Do you think that the cops will catch us? Mike: Okay, here's the possible Battle Arena Toshinden action vehicles, for use with the toy line. Collect them all! >[They drive for a few seconds until they see the hideout appear from around >the bend.] >Sofia: That's the hideout up ahead. >[The camera focuses on Eiji's mouth.] Mike: Just think what that would look like if the English invented animae. Bots: Eeewww! >Eiji: All right. [Draws sword] Let's GO!!!! Mike: Hey, ho. Let's go. Tom: Mike, doesn't he need a baseball bat to beat on the brats with? >[We see the thugs hanging out in front of the hideout's fence. The scene shifts >to splitscreen. Eiji and Kayin draw their swords, swing and bolts of energy jet >out to blow up in front of the gates. Eiji , Kayin and the dune buggy drive >through the flames.] >[Inside the control room] >Uranus: That's a surprise. Tom:... Garfield tricked Jon again. Heh-heh. >.....Gaia launching a preliminary attack? Chaos, take care of them. >[Outside, a ninja draws a sword.] >Tracy: He wants us to fight them. Okay? Rear guard duty? >[The buggy swerves to a stop.] Mike: You know, you could have hit the ninjas with the car... >[Tracy and Sofia jump out.] >Tracy: All right! Who's going to give me a good fight? Mike: You know, I think we just found Don King's next opponent for Tyson. >Sofia: (snapping the whip) If anyone cares to feel the tip of my whip, just say >so. >Eiji: (while he and Kayin jump over the ninjas on the motorcycles) We don't >have time to waste on these pawns. Crow: So, we'll just let the babes fight them. Tom: Yeah, fighting ninjas is women's work anyway. >Eiji: Don't stop until we get to Chaos and Uranus. Crow: You'll need a spaceship for that last one... >Kayin: Okay. (Looking ahead) Huh? >[Ahead of them are more ninjas. These ones carry M16s though. They fire.] Crow: D’oh! Guys! We should have brought guns with us. >[Eiji and Kayin swerve, but the ninjas continue to fire. Suddenly..] >Mondo: [Yells something> >[A bolt of lightning smashes down into the ninjas, scattering them.] >Eiji: It's Mondo! >Mondo: (Carrying a spear) You could use some help. Mike: I heard that you were having rabbit problems, so I brought my spear and magic helmet. Crow: Magic helmet? Mike: Spear and magic helmet! >[We see more ninjas. They blow up while something is shouted] >Kayin: It's Rungo! >Rungo: These guys are our enemies, just as much as they are yours! (He turns) >You should have called. >[A medieval armor wearing fighter on a horse rides through the ninjas.] Crow: Huh? Who's this? Mike..? Mike: Um, he showed up briefly in the opening credits... Tom: He's just come in the Renaissance festival! Huzzah! >Duke: EEEE-Yeah! >[Fo hops into view, slicing ninjas.] >Sofia: The honor of Toshiden! >Duke: We can handle these guys. The two of you keep going! Crow: (As scriptwriter) Whew. Now we don't have to write any more of that demanding dialogue. >..... If anyone's going to beat you, it will be me! >Eiji: Duke. Crow; Oh that, Duke. He's such a rascal. Tom: Hail to the King, baby. >Eiji: All right! >Uranus: More and more appear to join the fight. But no matter how many >oppose us, in the end there will be no match. >Gaia: [From behind, off screen] However, they have proved to be enough of a >distraction to your forces. How else could I have gotten all the way in here? Mike: Well, besides posing as a pizza boy, and using the employee's entrance. >[Uranus wheels around to face Gaia. We also see Chaos motionless in the >background] >Gaia: It's been a long time, Uranus. >Uranus: Gaia! Crow: Hungry for life, thirsty for Gaia... Tom: GAIA! >[Gaia walks down the stairs. He's still carrying a huge sword.] >[The Censor-o-Matic 5000 activates yet again.] >Gaia: I cannot allow this organization to be used to satisfy your lust for >power. Once I've killed you, I will retake my place as its leader. >Uranus: Will you? Bots: Meow! Hiss-hiss! Mike: Guys? The tabbles? >Uranus: That is far from certain. Can you possibly defeat Chaos? >Chaos: [Rising from the chair that he's been sitting in.] Die Gaia! >Gaia: (Low and threatening0 What have you done to him? >Uranus: Not much. He's merely entering the final phase of the man machine >project. Mike: Okay. Just so that you don't forget; The bad guy's plan is the man- machine project. Got it? >Gaia: Final phase? >Uranus: Yes. The removal of all thought. Tom: Ah. They're turned into a Gramercy executive. >Uranus: A unit focused only on how to fight. The culmination of the man- >machine project. Of course, he never knew that when we began... >Gaia: You're not human! >Uranus: Say what you would, but in the end, I will have the last laugh. >Chaos! Destroy Gaia! Kill! >Chaos: [Snarls.] Gaia die! >Gaia: You poor creature. The least I can do is PUT YOU TO SLEEP! Tom: No, no. You need to do the bit with the eyes, like this; SLEEEEEEEPPPP!!!! >[Outside, Kayin and Eiji stare at the two towers] >Eiji: Now the question is, which tower holds Chaos and Uranus? >Kayin: And which one holds the key to the Man-machine project? Looks like >our only choice is to check them both out, isn't it? Mike: Or you could call in an air strike, and destroy both towers. Crow: Or they could interrogate a technician. Tom: Or they could look on the map of the towers. See? It's next to the Orange Julius. >Eiji: We don't have much time. We'll have to split up. >Kayin: Don't get mad if you pick the wrong one. >Eiji: Right. >Kayin: Take care, Eiji. >Eiji: See you soon. >[The two drive off into the towers. Meanwhile, back with the ninjas...] >Sofia: We've got to hold them here until Eiji and Kayin return! >Tracy: No big deal. This is just a light workout for me anyway. >[Duke turns his head. Off in the distance, a set of forms nears.] >Rungo: Something's coming: >[Another set of ninjas approach, but these ones wear a different colored >design on their masks. They also walk in unison.] Tom: o/~ See the ninjas walking down the street. All in time, just marching out the beat. They don't know, everywhere they go, they're walking in time... o/~ >Sofia: Look, there's something very different about these guys. >Rungo: No doubt they're the man-machines everyone's been talking about. >Duke: Let's get them! >[Back at the tower, ninjas attack Eiji on his bike as he rides up the outside of >the tower.] Crow: A riding path for vehicles on the outside of buildings. Huh. Those Japanese think of everything. >[Eiji dispatches the ninjas quickly. They fall to the sea, many meters below.] >Eiji: Up ahead! >[The scene shifts to a dark room. Eiji sits in the doorway, on his motorcycle, >staring at the green colored vats around the room. Each holds a blob of >protoplasm.] >Eiji: What the...? Mike: Oh no. He's stumbled upon the Alpha Complex Food vats. He'll be Cold Funned to death! >Eiji: It's like some giant incubator. But I cannot allow this to go on. Please >forgive me. >[Eiji slashes his sword. The vats blow up. So does the side of the tower.] >Kayin: Way to go Eiji. (The sounds of clanging metal can be heard.) What >was that? Tom: Oh, that's just the foundation settling. >[Up ahead, Gaia and Chaos are fighting. The two trade blows, then suddenly, >Chaos delivers a nasty blow to Gaia's chest. Gaia drops to the ground, >kneeling in pain. The two fighters stare warily at each other while Kayin rides >up] >Kayin: It's Gaia! Tom: Boy, it's nice out today. Crow: My, you're very tall. Mike: So this is it. We're all going to die. >[Chaos rushes towards Gaia. Kayin revs up the cycle and rushes towards >Chaos, Chaos slices the cycle as Kayin jumps to the ground.] >Gaia: Kayin, stay out of this! Mike; I'm perfectly capable of getting killed all by myself, thank you very much. >Kayin: Hah. And let you take all of the glory yourself? >Gaia: I'm afraid that you've come all this way, only to die. >Kayin: What do you mean? >Gaia: Chaos is much more powerful than he once was. Crow: (Chaos) Excuse me. I'm right here. Please stop acting like I can't hear you! >Kayin: That's nice. Mike: So he can kill me twice now? >[Meanwhile, back with the ninjas...] >Tracy: (While kicking a ninja) HONEY-LOO! Crow: Honey...? Oh, skip it. >Duke: (Ditto) CLAN CROSS! (While impaling a ninja) Huh. These guys are >much more powerful now that they've got data on us. Crow: What are you talking about? You weren't in the movie five minutes ago! >Rungo: But we cannot allow them to wipe us out because of it. >Sofia: Right! Keep your guard up. >[Back with Chaos] >Chaos: Die!!!!!!! >[Chaos slams his scythe into the ground, knocking both Kayin and Gaia to the >ground, and creating a huge explosion, which Eiji sees from atop the other >tower.] >Eiji: Gaia. I chose the wrong one. No time to drive down then over there. (He >straightens his headband) Sink or swim. Do or die! Crow: Paper of plastic? Tom: Smoking or non-smoking? Mike: Closed casket or open? >[Eiji then revs up the bike and jumps across the 1/2 mile gap between towers, >ignoring several laws of physics. The bike doesn't quite make it, and Eiji >jumps the last few meters.] Crow: Sigh. Batman Forever. >[The bike explodes far below] >Kayin: (beaten and bruised) Eiji! >Eiji: Yeah. All right, the star of the show has arrived! Mike: But, he'll grow tired of the show and launch his movie career, which goes nowhere, forcing him to appear on Mad About You to make ends meet. >Gaia: Eiji! Be careful. He knows what our moves are before we make them. >Eiji: What's so tough then? Just give them something that they'll nenver >expect. Tom: Rubber baby buggy bumpers! >[Chaos begins to stutter-port again. Eiji delivers a kick to the face] Crow: Wow! An actual boot to the head! >Kayin: Hey! That's my move! Gaia! Attack him using someone else's >technique! >Gaia: It's a temporary solution. Once he absorbs the data, we'll be helpless >once again. >Eiji: Well then, we'll just have to beat him with one big attack! >[Eiji slices into Chaos] >Eiji: You're a fool to assume that we'll do our moves the same way every >single time! Crow: [whining] But that's how it goes in the arcade...! Gypsy: [Offscreen] Mike, it's ready! Mike: Gypsy, let them in! [Tabbles begin to enter the theater.] Crow: Mike... Tabbles: Meow! >[Chaos staggers a bit. Then shouts incoherently and charges Eiji] >Eiji: Kayin! >Kayin:Okay! Tabbles: MEOW!! >[The two leap into the air and strike Chaos at the same time. Chaos flies >back.] >Kayin: Now, Eiji! Tabbles: MEOW!! MEOW!! Mike: Do it soon, Gypsy! >[Eiji's sword starts to glow, and he charges into Chaos, striking him several >times. Chaos explodes and drops several hundred feet to the top of the tower, >where Eiji lands momentarily.] >Eiji: That's check, and checkmate! Crow: Yes, Chess does involve bashing people with swords and jumping into the air. Tom: And Bangkok. Tabbles: Meow! >[Back with the ninjas..... Sofia delivers a blow, and suddenly all of the man- >machine ninjas disintegrate.] >Sofia: Now! Who else wants a taste of my whip? Mike: HIT THE DECK! [As Censormatic 5000 begins to activate, Mike and the bots duck under the seats. The tabbles begin to Meow, but the Censormatic 5000 attempts to quiet them. The tabbles meow louder, and the Censormatic 5000 attempts to compensate. The process continues to escalate until the Tabbles and the Censormatic 5000 both explode in a spectacular explosion. On screen, the ninjas and the martial artists are still fighting.] >[The crowd of ninjas flee.] Bots:[Peeking up from behind the seats.] (Ninjas) Packers Lose! Packers Lose! [Mike also sits up] Mike: It looks like the tabbles and the Censormatic 5000 are gone. Crow: Let's test. BREASTS! Yep, it's gone. Mike: [Head in hands] Maybe destroying it was a bad idea... >Sofia: I guess something made them lose their appetites. Crow: Hah! The Censormatic's really gone. Breasts! Do you hear me? BREASTS!!!! Mike: Maybe I can still repair it… >[Back at the tower... The three boys kick down a door, only to face.. Uranus] >[We get a close up of Uranus' eyes.] Tom: SLEEE.......(Mike reaches over to close Tom's mouth) Ummph. Mike: I think that's enough of that today. >[The trio gasps] >Uranus: That was well done. I didn't think that you could defeat Chaos. >Kayin: It won't be long until we get rid of you, too! >Eiji: Your man-machine project is finished. I destroyed your entire production >plant. >Uranus: (Giggling) The plant? All you destroyed was a small testing lab. The >real production facilities are quite safe, I can assure you. Tom: Yes, thanks to the wonders of INDUSTRY!, the maniac's evil schemes of world conquest can continue! >Eiji: It can't be! >Uranus: You can't think that I'd really let you get that far? But you've taught >me a valuable lesson here today. Tom [Cosby]: Yes, Uranus and Mushmouth learned that plans for world domination will only go so far. >Uranus: I'll be sure to incorporate it into my next man-machine project [she >holds up a computer chip] Bots: Yumm.... >...along with this experimental data as well. >[The chip, impaled by a knife, flies out of her hand. The trio gasps. Uranus >turns] >Uranus: Oh no! Mike: You fool! That was the source code for Riven! Oh wait. I guess losing that isn't a bad thing. >[Standing in the doorway is Sho.] >Kayin: It's Sho! >Eiji: My brother! Crow: Heir to the crown of Essex, head of the Starfleet Kids.. Mike: Wrong sibling, Crow. >Sho: Uranus! I cannot allow you to make any more defective copies of me! >Uranus: You'll pay! (An explosion is heard in the background and the room >begins to shake) [Gasp] Crow: Oh no! Delta Burke’s coming up for brunch! >[Outside, the towers are sinking into the sea.] >Sho: Before you ask what that was, I just blew up the plant. This building will >collapse in just a few moments. >Uranus: Traitor! >[Things begin to explode.] >Uranus: I'll make you pay for this! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! [She extends her >wings and flies upwards.] >Gaia: Uranus! >[He rushes towards her, but is stopped by falling pieces of the ceiling.] >Gaia: Uranus! >Uranus: Soon Gaia, at the next Toshinden tournament. >Eiji: Sho? Big Brother?! Where ARE YOU? >Kayin: There's no time! All: HEY! Crow: Great. Now they're ripping _US_ off. >Kayin: We've got to get out of here! >Eiji: BROTHER!!!!!! >[Outside the building begins to crumble. We see the man shaped crater left by >Chaos. It's now empty. The buildings continue to explode while the warriors >look on. Finally, the towers explode into balls of fire. All is silent for a >moment, and then two shapes step out from the flames. It's Eiji and Kayin. >The sun shines brightly overhead. The warriors begin to cheer as Eiji gives >them a thumbs up] Tom: It stin… Nah. Too easy. >[The scene shifts. The warriors stand in front of a setting sun.] >Eiji: Thanks to all of you. You really helped me out. >Mondo: We were just paying them back for what they did to us. >Fo: [Cackles.] >Kayin: After all, we'll all be fighting each other again at some point. >Rungo: And soon. >Sofia: I'd like to take you on anytime. >Tracy: Are you guys saying that you're not all friends? Tom: Good thing that this movie's almost over. Her IQ's dropping like the Cubs' post season chances. >Eiji: That's right. You really can't call us friends. At least in the same sense. >Duke: And the next time that we meet, we'll be mortal enemies. Crow: Mortal enemies? Does that mean Christopher Lambert is gonna show up soon? >Eiji: That's right. In the Toshinden tournament. Mike: No, I don't think I'll ever get over the Toshinden tournament. >[Eiji stares off at the nearby landscape.] Crow: (Eiji) Boy, I can't believe there isn't a Starbucks for 100 miles... >[Back in the hospital. Ellis opens her eyes to see what first appears to be >Gaia, but is revealed to be Eiji and Kayin.] >Ellis: Father? >Eiji: You're finally awake. >Ellis: Eiji. >[Time passes. Ellis is now sitting upright in bed, while Eiji and Kayin sit >nearby. Ellis stares at a vial in her hand] Mike: Sigh. Pineal fluid. When will they learn? >Eiji: I'm sorry, but after Gaia gave us the antidote, he took off and >disappeared again. >Kayin: But don't feel bad. I'm sure you'll see him again soon. Tom: [cough] Sequel. [cough] >Ellis: You're right! I know he'll be back. I know it! I know it! >[Outside, Eiji and Kayin walk away in separate directions. They stop and turn >towards each other.] Crow: Say, who was that waiter in that little restaurant in Paris? Tom: Jean Luc! >Kayin: Next time we meet.... Mike: You can be my wingman. >Eiji: Then we'll see which one of us is really the best. >[They walk off in separate directions. Above them, Gaia watches the >exchange. The scene shifts to a cloudy mountain top, where Sho stands] >Sho: Your skills have improved Eiji. I'm pleased. The next time that we meet, >you and I will face each other. Mike: Cause, you know, it would be hard to fight back to back. >[The scene changes again. Eiji stands alone on a plain, his back to the >audience. Suddenly he turns. Behind him, we can see a man from behind, his >cloak in tatters. The camera switches to show his eyes, which are behind >round glasses. ] Tom: Hey look! It's some other guy! Crow: It's Julian Lennon! He's done sitting by the river playing guitar, and now he's ready to kick some major butt... >[He raises a gun to his face in a salute. Eiji draws his sword, yells, and ....] Mike: Roar, cming soon from Fox. >End credits begin [More annoying bubble gum rock is played.] Tom: uh-uh. It's all over. Uh-uh. [The crew leaves] 1...2...3...4...5...6... SoL: Mike: Hello? Tabbles? Gypsy? Gypsy: [Rushing in] Mike! Mike! The tabbles all blew up! You got them! Tom: Well, that’s all well and good Gypsy, but what if they come back? We can’t possibly have gotten them all. They could come back at any time! And then we’ll have to go through this all again! Crow: Gee, Tom. If you’re that concerned about it, then why don’t you take the time machine and go back in time and destroy the tabbles at the source? Tom: That’s a great idea! Thanks Crow! [Tom walks over to the Time machine which has now appeared in the right area of the bridge.] T’is a far, far better thing than I have ever done before. [He turns and enters the time machine, which begins to hum.] Crow: Whatever. Mike: Crow, do you think that it’s a good idea to encourage Tom to play with the fabric of time and space? Crow: Come on, Mike. What harm could he possibly do? [The time machine begins to hum again, and Tom pops out of it, visibly shaken.] Mike: How did it go, Tom? Tom: Mike, remember that Bradbury story about the guy who stepped on the butterfly and changed history? Mike: Um, yeah… Crow: You mean that Pearl is now a nice person? Tom: No. [Softly] I turned the tabbles into bad guys on Voyager. [Mike, Crow, and Gypsy gasp.] Gypsy: Icky. Mike: Gee, no one deserves that fate. Crow: The horror. The Horror. Camping World: [Pearl is sitting by the fire drinking a cup of coffee. The Observer wanders in, dazed.] Pearl: Ah, brain boy. How's you vengeance going? Observer:[Softly] I think that I'll place that on hold for a while. It seems to be reacting poorly with my system. In fact, I seem to be hallucinating about cats... Pearl: [interrupting] Yeah, whatever. [Back to the screen.] Until next time, Nelson... \ | / \ | / --- * --- PWOOOOSH! / | \ / | \ Bobo: [offscreen] Lawgiver! Look what I found! Can we keep it? Tabble: Meow! Observer: AHHHHH!!!!! Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters are the copyright of Best Brains, Inc. Battle Arena Toshinden is intellectual property of BMG Victor Inc, Takara Co. Ltd., Central Park Media, Sega, Sony and probably a few other companies too. When I hit the right one, just tell me. Cause I have no idea who gets the , er, credit, for this. No animals were harmed during the writing of this story. Afterward, the Klingon empire hunted down the remaining tabbles and destroyed them and the event is celebrated in many famous Klingon operas. The ASPCA did sue the Klingons though. The resulting destruction of the ASPCA is sung of in many Klingon operas, as are the deaths of the Federation Opera critics who gave the resulting operas a bad review. Moral: "Man, those Klingons are a surly bunch." And to the thinly disguised bad guys: Nyah. Nyah. And get a life. >Chaos: Blooming Gaia!