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These films have at least one speaking (or shushing) character identified or behaving as a librarian or library worker in a minor or supporting role.

INDEX TO HONORABLE MENTIONS

In alphabetical order by title.

Pakula, Alan J. (Director). All the President's Men. United States: Warner Bros., 1976.

Starring: Dustin Hoffman (Carl Bernstein); Robert Redford (Bob Woodward)

We don't get to see the White House librarian Bernstein telephones to learn if Howard Hunt checked out books about Senator Kennedy, but we hear her pleasant voice. She's helpful and cooperative and answers the Washington Post reporter affirmatively, then puts him on hold while she looks up the records. Seconds later she's back in full denial mode (with dialog so awkward as to sound like a Saturday Night Live routine) and hangs up on him. We learn later she told her superiors she never even spoke to Bernstein except to refer him to Public Relations. When Woodward and Bernstein investigate in person, Bernstein says, "We need a sympathetic face." Woodward replies, "You're not going to find one here." But they do find help in the sympathetic face of a young man who tells them that all White House transcripts are confidential, then gives them hundreds of slips of paper to sift through. Times have certainly changed since then, good and bad, right or wrong. Really neat aerial shot of the circular reading room of the Library of Congress. (Usually you see this view from the floor upwards to catch the awesome dome.) Because this film is based on actual events locked into a particular time and place, librarian themes elude interpretation.

Damiani, Damiano (Director). Amityville II: The Possession. United States: Dino de Laurentiis, 1982.

Starring: Petra Lea (?) (Mrs. Greer, Archivist); Andrew Prine (Father Tom)

One winter night, snow falling, the traumatized Father Tom (Andrew Prine) stares fixedly at the evil Amityville house and hallucinates (accompanied by the musical score of children's creepy chanting). He is brought back to earth by the sudden appearance of a helpful lady of a certain age who expresses concern and offers him a lift. She glances over her shoulder as they move away. "I know some strange stories about that house." Cut to the town archives, where this lady has worked for 25 years -- a large basement room (not a set) with many uniform rows of thick, bound folios stored horizontally with matching spines bearing shelving locations. Long plank tables fill the center of the room, and this is where she opens a heavy book of hand-scrawled pages. As the priest listens, she provides the exposition that explains (albeit weakly) why the house is possessed by a demon. Sacred Indian burial ground … Salem … witchcraft … **yawn**. You could hold your breath through this scene and still have air left over by the time it ends. Mrs. Greer (Petra Lea, but please note that I and others infer from no evidence that she's the right character, as her name isn't mentioned in dialogue and the credits don't specify) is past middle age, wears glasses, has thick silver-gray bobbed hair, conservative skirt, matching vest, and a full white blouse with a large bow at the throat. She is attractive, serious, and apparently married. She seems well cast, and since this is her only acting job of record, one wonders if the late Petra Lea wasn't the "real deal."

Jones, Harmon (Director). As Young as You Feel. United States: 20th Century Fox, 1951.

Starring: Carol Savage (Librarian); Monty Woolley (John R. Hodges); Thelma Ritter (Della Hodges); Marilyn Monroe (Harriet)

Based on the Short Story by Paddy Chayefsky.

Lots of familiar faces (so young!) in this cute, fast-paced, workaday-world, studio comedy that still holds up pretty well. The librarian scene is brief (not enough to bother with if you're not interested in the rest), with Woolley's elderly character asking the librarian for a mysterious CEO's name. She retrieves the right book (from the top of a ladder, natch; I must have missed ladder-climbing in library school but it's sure common in flicks). Her: "Here it is -- I found it!" Him: "Congratulations, miss. Whether you're aware of it or not, you have just solved one of the great mysteries of the ages." Oooh, the power. Anyway, she's young, her hair is not in a bun, no glasses on her nose, no rubber stamps in sight, so that's saying something. (An aside: This scene was shot close-up, obviously not in a library at all but simply a ladder set against a bookcase -- one that remarkably resembles a bookcase in a home interior set elsewhere in the film. Tsk tsk.)

Winkler, Irwin (Director). At First Sight. United States: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 1999.

Starring: Margo Winkler (Nancy Bender, Librarian); Val Kilmer (Virgil Adamson); Mira Sorvino (Amy Benic)

This is a weak example for a list of library movies, but there is a brief introduction near the beginning to the town librarian (she orders Braille books for blind Virg). At the end, when Virg discovers he's losing his newly found sight, he has no time to travel the world to see what he can see, so he goes to the library and gorges on pictures in old Life magazines. He absorbs the faces of Elvis and Abraham Lincoln, and sees classic but tragic photo records of the nation's wars. And that's about it. Save your Blockbuster card for something better. FYI: Nancy the librarian is in real life the director's wife. Hmmmm.

Wang, Wayne (Director). Because of Winn Dixie. United States: 20th Century Fox, 2005.

Starring: Eva Marie Saint (Miss Franny, Librarian); AnnaSophia Robb (Opal)

This wonderful family film about how a preacher's 10-year-old daughter remedies loneliness during her first summer in Florida hails among its star-studded cast the timeless Eva Marie Saint as Miss Franny, a small town librarian with the most charming library you'll ever see onscreen. The converted house boasts flowerbeds, a wide porch, and a white picket fence, fine woodworking, antique furniture and Oriental rugs. Leatherbound classics are shelved in nooks and crannies in loving order. Young Opal is amazed at all the books when she ventures inside. Miss Franny is asleep at her desk with soft classical music playing. When she starts awake, she's frightened by the scruffy Winn Dixie (Opal's dog), left outside on the porch but visible through the window. She thinks he's a bear, and Opal calms her down. "You must think I'm a silly old thing. … Are you sure that's a dog?" Miss Franny wears her wispy hair pulled up in a soft old fashioned style. Her clothing is feminine and classic and obviously decades old. After Opal convinces her to let the dog inside, Miss Franny relates the story of how a bear once came into the library, and how she defended herself by throwing a book at it (War and Peace). "He took the book with him! … Yes ma'am, he snatched the book and ran off!" She tells the child she never married. "I didn't have the need. …I have these books!" She is intrigued by Winn Dixie. "Now look at that -- that dog is smiling at me!" Opal offers herself and Winn Dixie as friends. Miss Franny replies, "That would be grand. Just grand." Later when Opal wants to find a book to read to another new friend (Cicely Tyson as the blind town witch, Gloria), Miss Franny recommends Gone with the Wind. The librarian tells amazing stories, and helps Opal cement new friendships. She distributes "Litmus Lozenges" made by her great-grandfather that have the secret ingredient of "sorrow" so that the candy tastes both sweet and sad. Shared sadness draws people together, Opal learns. "Sometimes it seemed to me like everybody in the whole world was lonely." I really enjoyed this film with its eccentric and colorful characters. Look for musician Dave Matthews in a significant and heartwarming role as the "magic man" who charms animals with his songs.

Miner, Steve (Director). Big Bully. United States: Morgan Creek Productions, 1996.

Starring: Norma MacMillan (Miss Rumpert, School Librarian); Rick Moranis (David Leary)

On the first day that Creative Writing teacher David Leary (Rick Moranis) starts work at the same school where he was tormented by a bully as a child, he is amazed to find the same school librarian sitting at her desk. She is elderly and deceptively frail, with wispy hair and wearing glasses secured by a cord. He approaches her saying, "Miss Rumpert? I'm David Leary. I was a student here once. I've always wanted to tell you what a big impact this library had on my life. It was the first place that really taught me the importance of reading. Of books. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that." She stares at him then states firmly: "Green Eggs and Ham." "Excuse me?" More firmly: "Green Eggs and Ham." His face lights up. "That's right! That was my favorite book. How did you remember that?" Sternly: "It's eight thousand, eight hundred and sixty-two days overdue!" In wonderment: "You're serious." She rubber stamps a book: "It's what I live for, dear." Leary tells his son to keep an eye out for Green Eggs and Ham. At the end of the film Leary finds the book and asks his girlfriend to return it ("I'll reimburse you for the late charges."). This is a fine family film about behaviors coming full circle, completely predictable but what the heck, the kids don't realize that.

Hawks, Howard (Director). The Big Sleep. United States: Warner Bros., 1946.

Starring: Carole Douglas (Librarian); Sonia Darrin (A.G. Geiger Rare Books sales clerk); Dorothy Malone (Acme Bookstore proprietess); Humphrey Bogart (Philip Marlowe); Lauren Bacall (Vivian Sternwood Rutledge)

"You don't look like a man who would be interested in first editions," purrs the pretty blond librarian at the Hollywood Public Library to shamus Philip Marlowe. He needs to learn about first editions in order to infiltrate Arthur Gwynn Geiger Rare Books. There he is most unconvincing as he grills the clerk, what with the dark glasses and sentences capped by "Hmmmm?", but he makes his point that the shop is a front. The clerk is hard-boiled and stern but when her ignorance shows he snaps, "You do sell books here?" She snaps back, "What do they look like, grapefruit?" Across the street, however, at the Acme Book Shop (insert your own roadrunner joke here), he charms an authentic bibliophile (brunette, hair back, glasses, knowledgeable -- surely a librarian wanna-be). She ends up removing the glasses, shaking out her long hair, and he greets the new vision with "Hel-lo!" Then she locks up the shop and they share a spot of rye from the flask in his pocket. In the 1978 version with Robert Mitchum as Marlowe, the library and Acme Book Shop have vanished, and the grapefruit is replaced by a banana. Oh, Freud could have a field day with this one. (In the book it's a grapefruit. Pervert scriptwriter ...)

Daldry, Stephen (Director). Billy Elliot. United Kingdom/France: BBC, 2000.

Starring: Carol McGuigan (Librarian); Jamie Bell (Billy Elliot)

We library folk rarely feel kindly toward book thieves, but I cheered young Elliot when he boards the Durham City Library's bookmobile and (because he has only a junior ticket and can't check out adult books) tucks a book under his back belt when the stern, matronly librarian is distracted. He desperately wants to learn to dance, and the book of ballet moves helps him get started on what becomes a passion and eventually a career. Set in northeast England in 1985, this is a warm and beautiful film, and not a chick-flick at all.

Norrington, Stephen (Director). Blade. United States: Amen Ra Films, 1998.

Starring: Eric Edwards (Pearl the Record Keeper, Archivist); Wesley Snipes (Blade); N'Bushe Wright (Dr. Karen Jenson)

This urban vampire film is adapted from a comic book, a blend of Shaft and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, with lots of pretty people who are not having a good day. Early on we see Blade (Wesley Snipes) and the lovely Dr. Jenson (N'Bushe Wright) infiltrate a vampire strip club and work their way to the kitchen and down a hidden elevator to an archive of business records, with row after row of computer tape reels and a disgusting smell that leads them to the archivist. Pearl the Record Keeper (Eric Edwards) is grossly enormous (a la Jabba the Hutt), flatulent, naked, communicating by webcam to his master and speaking in a squeaky little girl voice -- not your stereotypical archivist. They torture the uncooperative Pearl with a UV light. Not pretty. Then they blow their way into an adjacent room filled with glass panels that protect sheets of ancient paper from the Book of Erebus (the Vampire Bible) inscribed with symbols. There good guys meet bad guys and a majorly violent fight scene leaves behind a big mess of smashed glass and shredded paper for the union grunts to clean up. The testosterone runs thick in this film.

Tian, Zhuangzhuang (Director). The Blue Kite. China/Hong Kong: Beijing Film Studio, 1993.

Starring: Quanxin Pu (Lin Shaolong, Librarian); Liping Lu (Chen Shujuan)

Original title: Lan feng zheng

Edwards, Blake (Director). Breakfast at Tiffany's. United States: Paramount Pictures, 1961.

Starring: Elvia Allman (Librarian); Audrey Hepburn (Holly Golightly); George Peppard (Paul "Fred" Varjak)

On an outing together in NYC where each plans to try new things, Holly tells Paul that she has never been inside a library. He explains the card catalog, and when she gets too loud, Holly is asked to lower her voice. They get hands on Paul's book and she insists he autograph it, but he is accused by the librarian of defacing public property. Holly concludes, "I don't think this place is half as nice as Tiffany's." (This entire scene is invented for the film.) In a later scene, Paul finds Holly reading in the library (New York's 42nd Street Library, according to the book, where she researches South America). She wears very dark sunglasses and probably can't see the end of her nose, but one must be fashionable.

Carpenter, John (Director). Christine. United States: Columbia Pictures Corp., 1983.

Starring: Jan Burrell (School Librarian); John Stockwell (Dennis Guilder); Alexandra Paul (Leigh Cabot)

Based on the Novel: King, Stephen. Christine. NY: Viking, 1983.

The time is 1978; the place is Rockbridge, California. The high school library is large but austere. The stern librarian has passed middle age, with her dark hair pulled up and glasses hanging on her bosom. Her blouse is sky blue, that Victorian style (complete with brooch) that was fashionable at the time. She is disturbed when Dennis and his friends get loud, although she doesn't shush them. "Mr. Guilder, are you lost?" "No, ma'am." "Why don't you return to your own seat and get back to work." Classify this film under "Library as Meeting Place," although Guilder's pick-up line ("Hey, whadya reading'?") fails to enchant the lovely Leigh. There are no other library references in this early King classic of teenage angst and a killer car, and there are no librarians or library scenes at all in King's novel. (For another brief "Library as Meeting Place" scene, see The Truman Show, which isn't otherwise covered here.)

Welles, Orson (Director). Citizen Kane. United States: RKO Radio Pictures, 1941.

Starring: Georgia Backus (Bertha Anderson, Librarian); Orson Welles (Charles Foster Kane); William Alland (Jerry Thompson, Reporter)

It would be easy to say that Miss Anderson, librarian at the Walter Parks Thatcher Library in Philadelphia, is severe both in appearance and mannerisms, but then so are most of the characters in this classic film so it can hardly count against her. She does seem preoccupied with rattling off library rules for the benefit of the reporter there to read Thatcher's private diary (an oxymoron, no?), and he does unsuccessfully try to interrupt her. Note the presence of the security guard, and a raft-sized portrait of Thatcher dominating the reading room. Notable quote: Reporter to Miss Anderson: "You're not Rosebud, are you?" Librarian: "What!!" (Of course she's not. A sled would be nicer to cuddle up with. My bad.) If you've missed this film because you've lived under a rock all your life, go out and rent it. An amazing piece of work, especially if you're interested in theatrical lighting. (Isn't everybody?)

Tourneur, Jacques (Director). Night of the Demon. United Kingdom: Columbia Pictures, 1957. (aka Curse of the Demon, USA recut (83 min) version + reinstated (95 min) original version).

Starring: John Salew (Librarian, British Museum); Dana Andrews (Dr. John Holden)

Actor John Salew, a familiar face in British films and television from the 1930s to the 1960s, has a brief role as a helpful librarian at the British Museum in a horror film that stands out within its genre for the simple reason that it isn't awful. Actually, it's interesting, fast paced, and well directed, with thought-provoking themes. Scientist Dr. John Holden (played by the popular American actor Dana Andrews) is determined to debunk the supernatural, in particular demonology as followed by a cult in England, and he goes to the British Museum for research. He is told by the librarian that a particular book he needs (The True Discoveries of Witches and Demons) – the only existing copy – is "not available" (library-speak for "missing"). The librarian is a 50-something balding man who rather resembles Alfred Hitchcock. He wears a suit, no glasses, and speaks with the professional demeanor expected within that esteemed environment. He tells Dr. Holden that a book missing from the restricted section is most peculiar, and he will do his best to trace it. The library itself is extraordinary, and its circular lay-out with carrels and card catalog units forming spokes is accentuated by the film's director, who seems to have a thing for circles perhaps because white magic, Dr. Holden is told, has the power to create a protective "magic circle" – although this is not an option when he is cursed and given three days to live. The film's history and plotting make interesting reading. For more information, see Steve Biodrowski's article "Curse of the Demon (1957): A Retrospective Review."

Emmerich, Roland (Director). The Day After Tomorrow. United States: 20th Century Fox, 2004.

Starring:Jake Gyllenhaal (Sam Hall); Dennis Quaid (Jack Hall)

The actors playing staff members of the New York Public Library are uncredited as such but we see them scurry with the others trying to evade violent storms and a wall of icy ocean that engulfs much of the world in this special effects extravaganza. A bedraggled few end up huddled together on an upper floor. Books must be burned to generate heat, but one staffer (we will assume a librarian) cradles the Gutenberg Bible which he will not give up because it "represents the dawn of the age of reason ... mankind's greatest achievement." They debate whether Nietzsche should be cast upon the flames, and "there's a whole section of tax law we can burn." Later they need critical medical information and observe "books can be good for something besides burning." Young Sam Hall asks a reference librarian where the pay phones are although he nearly drowns getting to them on the mezzanine. This is an exciting film but wear a sweater even in a hot room. The library setting is essential to the survival of the people camped there: library as refuge big time.

Reed, Peyton (Director). Down with Love. United States: Epsilon Motion Pictures, 2003.

Starring: Renée Zellweger (Barbara Novak); Ewan McGregor (Catcher Block)

The year is 1962, and pretty-in-pink Barbara Novak has traveled to New York City to meet with the publishers of her book, a manual for women who want to get on equal footing with men in the workplace and are advised to reduce distractions by sacrificing love (but not sex). "E.G.", one of the stodgy men on the publisher's board, introduces her to the others: "Miss Novak is the farmer's daughter librarian who spent the long, cold New England winter writing her manuscript by the light of a lonely oil lamp." Meanwhile, Catcher Block is the film's male lead, a writer for a men's magazine (Know), with the reputation for being a "ladies man, man's man, man about town." When assigned to do an exposé of Miss Novak, he pointedly declines. Assured it would be fun, he retorts, "Fun? Interviewing a man-hating, embittered New England spinster librarian? Who else would write a book called Down with Love?" The librarian stereotype is badly bruised in this stilted, two-dimensional retro-comedy, first because the filmmakers deliberately chose a profession that our culture would recognize as the complete opposite of a beautiful, young, sexual woman, and then [SPOILER ALERT]having the woman ultimately not be a "New England spinster librarian," that the character made a calculated decision to pretend to be a librarian because of the reaction it would evoke, says a lot about the down side of the symbol, both in 1962 and today. In the full scheme of the film, however, this situation is very minor, a character's back-story milked for its irony that didn't graduate to an issue.

Reed, Peyton (Director). Drop Dead Gorgeous. United States: New Line Cinema, 1999.

Starring: Claudia Wilkens (Librarian, 1945 Beauty Pageant Winner); Kirstie Alley (Gladys Leeman)

Yes, the librarian is middle aged, stout, gray-haired, stern, and she brandishes a rubber stamp while defining "lutefisk" for the viewers of this faux documentary film that will entertain you although you know it really shouldn't. Don't watch this for librarian themes, but it's great if you think beauty contests are really, really stupid.

Hoffman, Michael (Director). The Emperor's Club. United States: Beacon Communications, 2002.

Starring: Molly Regan (Miss Peters, School Librarian); Kevin Kline (William Hundert); Emile Hirsch (Sedgewick Bell)

Based on the Story: Canin, Ethan. "The Palace Thief" in The Palace Thief: Stories. New York: Random House, 1994.

Private boys' school librarian Miss Peters is sitting at her desk in the dark when student Sedgewick Bell asks to borrow a book overnight that his classmates would also like to borrow overnight. She adamantly refuses, referring to policy and fairness, but he continues to argue. "Mr. Bell," she says, "you are exasperating!" He replies smoothly "Miss Peters, that is a great hairstyle, is it new?" "I've had it since 1958." She stands by policy until Bell's teacher imposes and the librarian unhappily turns over the book. The scene is brief and realistic (except the darkness). Her hair isn't in a bun and she's not wearing glasses, but she does lose points for wearing a cardigan. Hundert (the teacher) admires her for running a "tight ship," but only after he's gotten his way. The scene where the boy returns the book the next morning (still in pajamas) was deleted from the film. (OBTW, this same student will in the story's future offer to contribute enough money to generously expand the library.) This library scene does not appear in the story although the adaptation is pretty true otherwise. But it does show the boy's early schmoozing and success at getting his own way, which will help as he heads toward a career in politics.

Siegel, Don (Director). Escape from Alcatraz. United States: Paramount Pictures, 1979.

Starring: Paul Benjamin ("English," prison library clerk); Clint Eastwood (Frank Morris)

Based on the Book: Bruce, J. Campbell. Escape from Alcatraz. NY: McGraw Hill, 1963.

"Don't they let cons down here?" Frank Morris (Eastwood) asks the inmate (Benjamin) who runs the Alcatraz library. "Do you see any?" English snaps back. There are no chairs in the stark (but organized) setting, "'cause this is the Rock, man," English explains, "and they don't want you doing anything here but time." We first see English at the top of a ladder leaning against the ten-foot-high bookshelves, a familiar site in cinema library-land, except it's usually a shapely woman up there. Morris gets a brief stint as a book and magazine distributor, pushing a cart along the rows of cells. His enthusiasm is underwhelming, and soon he finds himself assigned to the carpentry shop for 15 cents an hour (which is more than the carpenter inmates earn in the prison where I work, which is exactly nothing except gain time). English does a little strong-arming to keep Morris from getting killed (a particularly helpful librarian service), but otherwise these two are hardly friends. English happens to be black, and he is called "boy" which makes me squirm, but consider the time and place. Don't look for library themes in this film (based on a true story), but it stands up well even after all these years. By the way, the book is a nonfiction history of Alcatraz, its people and policies, and this film was adapted from just a small part of it, with a certain amount of literary license. Did learn that Al Capone served a stint pushing the book cart.

Wainwright, Rupert (Director). The Fog. Canada/United States: Revolution Studios, 2005.

Starring: Robert Harper (Mr. Latham, Librarian); Maggie Grace (Elizabeth Williams)

The character of Mr. Latham quacks like a librarian, so for our purposes we're going to call him one. When Elizabeth (Maggie Grace) researches the meaning of some mysterious symbols connected to the terror that has gripped the island in the form of an insidious fog, she goes to the library section of the local museum (complete with card catalog). There she consults a book before putting her questions to Mr. Latham (Robert Harper), an elderly gentleman with glasses and wavy white hair who speaks quietly and knowledgeably about the island's history. File this film with others that show mass destruction of a library, which answered my question as to whether this was a real museum or a set. Let's assume it was a set, otherwise there's a really pissed historical society out there.

Miner, Steve (Director). Forever Young. United States: Warner Bros. Pictures, 1992.

Starring: Amanda Foreman (Debbie, Librarian); Mel Gibson (Capt. Daniel McCormick); Elijah Wood (Nat Cooper); Robert Hy Gorman (Felix)

When aviator Captain Daniel McCormick awakens after fifty years of being cryogenically stored, he turns to the public library to learn about the history he's missed and to track down a scientist who might help him. The two young boys who defrosted him teach him to use a microfilm machine, until a pretty girl in the stacks draws their attention, and Felix encourages Nat to go talk to her. Nat: "I'm in the library on a Saturday...she'll think I'm a geek!" Felix: "Nat, she's in here, too." "Oh -- yeah." Nat approaches her and admires her flowery dress. "It looks like wallpaper. Good wallpaper." He tells her he's there to do some reading, and holds up a copy of Little Women. "It's good!" he says defensively. Then he shows her his scabby knee, the result of a bicycle accident, and assures her he won't pick at it. (Is he cool or what?) Meanwhile, McCormick is speaking with the reference librarian (Debbie -- young, milk-fed, brown page-boy haircut) asking how he can obtain 50-year-old military records. He's told whom to contact and that it will take about six weeks. Gently he takes her hand and tells her he needs to find out today -- life or death. She agrees to check with a friend who might know, and she gives him her home phone number (!!). Later we see McCormick reading a history book in Nat's treehouse. This is a warm but formula love story (despite the mel-sicle twist), and a treat for Gibson fans. (Elijah Wood was so cute as a child.)

Ruben, Joseph (Director). The Forgotten. United States: Columbia Pictures, 2004.

Starring: Katie Cooper (Library Clerk); Julianne Moore (Telly Paretta)

When Telly is desperate to find information about the plane crash that killed her young son, she turns to a friendly library worker who helps her with the microfiche machine to search for 14-month old newspaper articles. The clerk is warm and helpful, young and soft-spoken. The scene is very short but speaks well for libraries (although I'm surprised that a 2004 movie with an urban library scene still shows a card catalog in the background). Later a man calls Telly a "goddamn snob" when she confesses that she reads books instead of watching television. Considering she works as an editor, is this surprising?

Nispel, Marcus (Director). Frankenstein. United States: USA Cable Network, 2004.

Starring: Sandra Dorsey (Nancy Whistler, Librarian); Parker Posey (Detective Carson O'Conner)

Concept by Dean Koontz and Kevin Anderson.

If you were a librarian opening up for the day and found the security guard's mutilated body, you'd probably do just what librarian Nancy Whistler (Sandra Dorsey) did. "She's in the can," a fat policeman reports. "Apparently she won't come out." The guard's heart was cut from his corpse, and blood ... oh, the blood ... "Every time I think I just can't puke again," Whistler says, "I do." She is a large woman, middle age, with long blond hair. An open book splattered with blood bears the title Aberrant Psychology, and a detective wonders if this is a self-help book. Actress Parker Posey, better known as the colorful Mary in the acclaimed (by librarians) film Party Girl, plays Detective Clark O'Conner (and her acting is much improved here). The Orlean Parish Public Library where this bizarre serial killer's third homicide occurred is moody and spooky and gummy with atmosphere, but books must be shelved by touch because it's haunted-house dark and nobody seems inclined to flip on the lights. Although Dean Koontz's name is in the banner for this made-for-TV-failed-series-pilot, he disassociated himself from the project and his Frankenstein books are completely different.

Burr, Jeff (Director). From a Whisper to a Scream. United States: Conquest Productions, 1987.

Starring: Vincent Price (Julian White, Librarian/Historian); Susan Tyrrell (Bess Chandler)

Also Known As: The Offspring, per IMDB.

Reitman, Ivan (Director). Ghostbusters. United States: Columbia Pictures, 1984.

Starring: Alice Drummond (Alice, Librarian); Bill Murray (Dr. Peter Venkman)

This film opens with a close-up of one of the main NYC public library lions. Inside a middle-aged female librarian gathers books from the tables and carries them (bodily, none of those squeaky bookcarts for her) to a lower level for shelving. The card catalog drawers begin erupting cards (apparently unsecured) and the librarian runs up and down the stacks in fear. The ghost is into "symmetrical book stacking." Later the apparition is a shushing librarian-ghost with a snarling, skeletal countenance. This library has almost no signage and no concept of bookends. Note that the head librarian is a young male. This film relies heavily on stereotypes as comedic shortcuts.

Hayes, John (Director). Grave of the Vampire. United States: Entertainment Pyramid, 1974.

Starring: Margaret Fairchild (Miss Fenwick, Librarian); Michael Pataki (Caleb Croft/"Professor Lockwood")

Alternate Title: Seed of Terror

Based on the Novel: Chase, David. The Still Life.

This film is listed as horror but has some unintended humor because it is so campy, so 1970s. It's all the more funny when you realize that this is apparently the first film project for David Chase who co-wrote the script (with Hayes) and has since had an illustrious Hollywood career, including writing and producing The Sopranos. But he apparently held a low opinion of librarians. The single scene takes place at night in a public library where Professor Lockwood (incognito vampire) is walking through the stacks looking at titles. This is a real public library, and the book he pulls and scans is located in the middle of the fiction section, shelved right above Herbert Kastle's Miami Golden Boy and David Karp's Leave Me Alone. The title -- taped to the spine (some union props guy should have been slapped) is Mysteries of New England by A.J. Boyd (nonfiction, but not a real book that I can find). The librarian is an attractive, middle-aged woman wearing a white blouse and vest and patterned skirt. Her long red hair is twisted atop her head. They're alone in the place. We see her behind the check-out counter, looking at her watch.

Librarian: "That's all, sir -- closing time!" (he pulls book from shelf, ignoring her; she comes over and confronts him) "You have to leave now."
Professor: "I would like to take this book."
Librarian: "Oh, no, that's for reference only. I couldn't let that go out."
Professor: "I drove all the way from the university hoping to find a copy. It's vital for a lecture I have planned. I'm Professor Lockwood."
Librarian: (smiles) "Professor Lockwood."
Professor: "Yes. May I borrow it for a day or two?"
Librarian: (carefully removes the book from his hands, smiling sweetly) "I have to close up now."

Professor: "You have lovely hair, Mrs., uh … "
Librarian: "Fenwick. Miss Fenwick."
Professor: "Miss Fenwick."
Librarian: "I was a photographer's model once." (fluffs hair, walks around counter to the front door) "You'll have to leave now."
Professor: "The book, Miss Fenwick?"
Librarian: "The library has very strict rules. I can't make any exceptions."
Professor: (angry) "You led me to believe I could take it!"
Librarian: "I did not!"
Professor: "All that business about your hair and your eyes?"
Librarian: (reaching for door handle) "Good night, Professor."
Professor: "You were using me."
Librarian: "You have got to go!"
Professor: "You were using me! You were using me!"

Winders, Wim (Director). Hammett. United States: Zoetrope Studios, 1982.

Starring: Marilu Henner (Kit Conger, Librarian); Frederic Forrest (Hammett); Peter Boyle (Jimmy Ryan)

Hammett's apartment neighbor is a sexy librarian (Marilu Henner) who looks stylish whether dressed for work or for lounging. When she comes to his door in flimsy aqua lingerie, Hammett's buddy Ryan (Peter Boyle) asks, "Is that what you wear at the library?" She purrs, "That's what I wear underneath what I wear at the library." We never see her in a library, although Hammett does go to one to seek out a newspaper article and have an odd encounter with a girl he once met (a scene with no purpose whatsoever). Good people in a ho-hum film. Notable quote by Hammett: "Here I am, 34 years old, and the only two people I can trust in the world are a librarian with a smart mouth and a would-be bomb thrower."

Dear, William (Director). Harry and the Hendersons. United States: Amblin Entertainment, 1987.

Starring: Peggy Plat (Librarian); John Lithgow (George Henderson); Kevin Peter Hall (Harry)

The library scene is brief in this movie, as George Henderson goes to learn more about Bigfoot (his destructive souvenir of a family camping trip). The librarian is a youngish female with big glasses and an unfortunate mullet. They converse. "Could you point me to some books on the, uh, Bigfoot?" "Sasquatch?" "Sasquatch?" "Sasquatch." "That's the one." "Fantasy, folklore, myths and legends, basement stacks, take the stairs. You could also try children's books." One of the books he takes home is entitled Bigfoot One on One: A True Story by Oliver Dear (no doubt related to the film's director). George's son's review: "This book sucks!" The acting is well done and there are lots of familiar faces (David Suchet, decidedly NOT Hercule Poirot) in an otherwise unremarkable family film.

Underwood, Ron (Director). Heart and Souls. United States: Universal Pictures, 1993.

Starring: Charles Grodin (Harrison Winslow, Librarian); Robert Downey, Jr. (Thomas Reilly)

The librarian stereotype takes another plunge with this otherwise delightful film of four souls caught in limbo until they resolve their lives by accomplishing one thing they would have done if their lives had not been untimely terminated. Two male and two female souls are attached to the body of Thomas Reilly (Downey, Jr.) and through him they find success and closure in their former lives. One of those spirits is Harrison Winslow (Grodin), once a middle-aged librarian who harbored dreams of being an opera singer. Twice he tried to audition on stage and twice was overcome by fear. Now, decades later and long dead, he gets to try again. As time runs out Reilly et al. crash a B.B. King concert and, due to Reilly's inspired thinking, force Winslow to perform the National Anthem. This is one of several parallel plotlines in the film and completely expected from the character's introduction. Once again, however, librarianship is put forth as the default career of wimps. Boo, hiss.

Fulci, Lucio (Director). The House by the Cemetery. Italy: Fulvia Films, 1981.

Starring: Gianpaolo Saccarola (Daniel Douglas, Librarian); Carlo De Mejo (Mr. Wheatley); Paolo Marco (Dr. Norman Boyle)

Original title: Quella villa accanto al cimitero

Researcher Norman Boyle (Paolo Marco) and his family make a temporary move from New York City to the New England town of New Whitney, following the path of a coworker who supposedly cleaved his mistress' head and then hanged himself from a second story railing at the library. The Boyles rent Oak Mansion, known to locals as "Freudstein's house" and it has a (... wait for it ...) EVIL REPUTATION. Dr. Boyle makes several visits to the library to retrace Peterson's investigations. The head honcho, Mr. Wheatley (Carlo De Mejo), lays out the red carpet and introduces him to librarian Daniel Douglas (Gianpaolo Saccarola), a large but boyish fellow duded up like an academic. He's helpful but strange. Another library scene occurs on a Sunday when the place is closed, and Dr. Boyle researches alone until the librarian bursts in, surprising them both. Douglas awkwardly explains that he's there to "check the wings" as he does whenever the library is closed. His excuse seems contrived but plot-wise it's meaningless (one among a few loose ends). The library itself appears authentic, with glassed-in cases and decorative windows, possibly in the Boston area, perhaps a law library. This cliché horror movie has nothing to recommend it unless you're really into splurting fake blood and atrocious dubbing, and stale scenes you've seen done better in other films.

Takács, Tibor (Director). I, Madman. United States: Sarliu/Diamant, 1989.

Starring: Mary Baldwin (Librarian); Jenny Wright (Virginia)

Lots and lots and lots of books in this cheesy horror film, although most of them are piled along walls and up the stairs of the used books store where Virginia (Jenny Wright) works. She reads a lot (obviously, since her primary prop is an enormous pair of heavy-rimmed glasses), including a pulp horror novel whose grotesque villain comes to life and kills people and removes their facial features to replace his own in order to please Virginia. (Nobody said this was good horror.) A clue about cats leads investigators to the library (because of the lions). Unfortunately, while they're wiring up the pretty blonde librarian to use as bait, she faints. (Her name is (surprise!) Marian, wearing sensible clothes and huge glasses.) Our heroine takes her place because "I'm the only one who fits the suit." (Let's not ask why they're giving her a wire instead of a bazooka, or why they aren’t using a female officer.) She wanders around shutting off lights, closing up for the day. Ultimately there's no monster, as the clue refers to the bookstore's cat. The film itself was dated half an hour after its release, and the special effects used in the final battle in the bookstore are intrusive instead of scary. Still, it's a library and a librarian, with the stereotype well displayed except she's young and pretty.

Spielberg, Steven (Director). Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. United States: Lucasfilm Ltd., 1989.

Starring: Harrison Ford (Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr.); Sean Connery (Dr. Henry Jones)

Indy Jones tells his students, "Seventy percent of all archeology is done in the library. Research ... reading ..." We see Nazis burning books, the import of the senior Jones' "grail diary," a lovely Venetian church-turned-library (complete with catacombs below, as also seen in The Name of the Rose), and a humorous scene where the destruction of the library floor is timed to coincide with the Einstein-ish librarian's rubber-stamping. This film is a homage to the power of information access, and the extremes people go to get it.

Leconte, Patricia (Director). Intimate Strangers. France: France 3 Cinéma, 2004. (subtitled)

Starring: Anne Brochet (Librarian); Sandrine Bonnaire (Anna); Fabrice Luchini (William)

Original title: Confidences trop intimes

Slow, subtle, and textured, the "intimate strangers" find each other quite by accident when Anna (Sandrine Bonnaire) shows up for an appointment with a psychiatrist but instead finds herself explaining her failed marriage to a very confused tax accountant (William, played by Fabrice Luchini) in an office down the hall. The librarian is the accountant's former girlfriend, Jeanne. They continue to share intimacies, vocally and physically, but he doesn't feel she understands his situation, how he has fallen in love with the "patient" who continues to visit him weekly, even after he confesses his true identity. Jeanne has a lover but is still jealous, and she comes across as edgy and discontented, continually smoking, still lonely even in her lover's arms. William reminds her, "When we met you had dreams of becoming a novelist. All you do is shelve books. The dust has soured you." Her advice about William's relationship with Anna is to hump her or dump her, but he wisely ignores this. Jeanne is middle-aged, earthy, with short dark hair. This film, however, is a treasure trove for the many scholars studying the accountant stereotype.

Capra, Frank (Director). It's a Wonderful Life. United States: RKO Radio Pictures, 1946.

Starring: Donna Reed (Mary Hatch Bailey); James Stewart (George Bailey); Henry Travers (Clarence Oddbody/Guardian Angel)

You know the story: George Bailey gets so depressed that he wishes he were never born, at which point guardian angel Clarence shows him what the town would be like without him. When George demands to know where his wife is, there is horror in Clarence's voice when he declares: "She's about to close up the library!" Fantasy Mary is mousy, a spinster, wears glasses, panics easily and faints. The choice of librarian as her life-sans-George employment is very deliberate because "of course" she's unmarried and dowdy -- she works in a library. (It's understood she is a librarian although this is never stated.)

Shanley, John Patrick (Director). Joe Versus the Volcano. United States: Amblin Entertainment, 1990.

Starring: Tom Hanks (Joe Banks, Librarian); Meg Ryan (Patricia Graynamore)

"Once upon a time there was a guy named Joe who had a lousy job ..." So opens this live-action fairy tale (you have to think of it that way or else it simply doesn't make sense), and the referenced "lousy job" is Advertising Librarian for a medical supply company (boasting 712,766 satisfied customers for their rectal probes). His dismal, dank, ugly, poorly lit, subterranean work area offers bad coffee, buzzing fluorescent lights, bare block walls, and an "artificial testicles prototype" on display. It's the perfect place for a hypochondriac to work. "Library" is such a misnomer here -- no books (only an insufficient number of catalogs) and industrial metal shelving that seems to hold medical paraphernalia. Joe works for the worst boss in the world (in a children's fairy tale, this would be the wicked stepmother). When a doctor gives Joe six months to live, and a mysterious stranger makes him an offer he can't refuse, he quits his job with much hoopla and never looks back. As library or librarian movies go, this is an extreme outlier. You needn't wonder how it ends, not if you've ever read a fairy tale ...

Title, Stacy (Director). The Last Supper. United States: Columbia Pictures, 1995.

Starring: Pamela Gien ("Illiterate Librarian"); Cameron Diaz (Jude)

Hiller, Arthur (Director). Love Story. United States: Paramount Pictures, 1970.

Starring: Ali McGraw (Jennifer Cavilleri, library worker); Ryan O'Neal (Oliver Barrett IV)

Based on the Novel: Segal, Erich. Love Story. NY: Harper & Row, 1970.

For people who adore sappy love stories (both of you), this film is considered a classic. The doomed Jennifer Cavilleri and the angry Oliver Barrett IV meet at the Radcliffe Library reference desk when he asks for her help finding a book. She recognizes him as a Harvard student. "You have your own library, preppie." "Would you answer my question, please?" "Would you answer mine first?" "Look, we're allowed to use the Radcliffe Library." "I am not talking legality, preppie, I'm talking ethics. I mean, Harvard's got five million books and Radcliffe's got a few lousy thousand." She wears huge black-framed glasses which, with her trade-mark furry eyebrows, make her appear like a menacing caterpillar. In the book, Oliver (as narrator) refers to her as Minnie Four-Eyes. But they disappear soon enough (the glasses, not the eyes). Jenny is a lapsed Catholic from Rhode Island, daughter of a humble baker. A "snotty Radcliffe bitch," she swears like a sailor and every utterance is an insult. Apparently Oliver (son of wealth and high expectations who hates his father) finds this charming, and the rest is predictable. The setting at the beginning of the film is all there is library-wise, and Jenny soon moves on to another job (music teacher). This screenplay-to-novel-to-film project, because it was tightly timed, shows little difference between the book and the film. Love it or hate it, Love Story made a big impact in its day. "Love means never having to say you're sorry" was as pervasive as the brain-worm music. Innocent times. (Note: The listing for this film at the Internet Movie Database shows the spelling as Cavalleri, but as the name is never shown in the movie credits, I think this is an IMDB error.)

Neame, Ronald (Director). The Man Who Never Was. United Kingdom: 20th Century Fox, 1956.

Starring: Gloria Grahame (Lucy Sherwood, Librarian); Clifton Webb (Lt. Cmdr. Ewen Montagu)

She refers to herself as "Lucy the Languishing Librarian," a young, lovely Londoner with a weakness for dating flyers during the second World War. She knows she is heading for heartbreak but can't help herself. She inadvertently takes on a small role in a military plot to convince Germany that Britain's next target is Greece, not the strategically critical Sicily where the enemy lies in wait. They do so by inventing "William Martin," a British officer serving as a courier of secret documents, in reality the corpse of a Scotsman who died of bronchitis. "Martin" is to wash up on the shores of Spain and convince the enemy to relocate their forces away from Britain's target. To make the dead man appear genuine, the military stuffs his pockets with personal objects, including a love letter and photograph from his fictional girlfriend. Lucy dictates the content of this love letter to her roommate (who works for the military and whose own writing skills are inadequate), but Lucy is writing from her heart to a real flyer, Joe. The plan works beautifully, and when a German spy (with the worst Irish accent ever) comes to London to check up on the validity of "Willie Martin," he is convinced that Lucy is the real thing because, having just learned that Joe's plane was shot down, she is in genuine mourning. Library themes are thin here. The only stereotypical element is the one brief library scene where Lucy (wearing thick glasses) is busy rubber-stamping a stack of books. She serves, however, as a portrayal that does not visually support the profession's public image (except the glasses!) with her long hair and fashionable clothing. Based on a true story, The Man Who Never Was might have taken liberties with this character (as names and details have been changed), so Lucy may or may not have been an actual librarian who helped save thousands of lives during World War II.

DeVito, Danny (Director). Matilda. United States: TriStar Pictures, 1996.

Starring: Jean Speegle Howard (Librarian, credited as Miss Phelps but called Mrs. Phelps, as she is in the book); Sara Magdalin/Mara Wilson (Matilda Wormwood, ages 4 and 6-1/2 respectively); Danny DeVito (Harry Wormwood, Father and Narrator); Rhea Perlman (Zinnia Wormwood, Mother)

Based on the Novel: Dahl, Roald. Matilda. London: Jonathan Cape, 1988.

The film Matilda would have benefited greatly by a closer association with Dahl's delightful book, and it's easy to see that the best parts and the best dialog are indeed the author's genius. Alas, that awful Home Alone mentality destroys the last half of this film, but fortunately for us the library scene is near the front and survives intact. Four year-old Matilda is truly gifted, and a self-taught reader. After reading every magazine in the house, she discovers the public library. Mrs. Phelps, Librarian, is white-haired but no bun or glasses, and she's kind and helpful, offering to find her a children's book with lots of pictures. Matilda prefers self-service, and thereafter she visits the library daily to "devour one book after another." She quickly reads through every one of the children's books and then moves on to adult books (she loves Dickens). When the librarian offers her "valuable library information" (how library cards work), Matilda's world opens up. Thereafter whenever she's home her nose is in a book, much to the consternation of her ignorant and offensive (not to mention abusive) parents whose evenings center around moronic game shows on the "telly." In a fit of pique her father rips a library book to shreds (in the film, Moby Dick, in the book Steinbeck's The Red Pony). There are no more library scenes, but plenty of books. Mrs. Phelps takes a personal interest in the child, and though her scenes are brief they are critical to showing Matilda's first encounter with a positive role model. Notable quote (just one among many): "There's nuttin' you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster" (Mr. Wormwood). (Compare this film/book's librarian role with Neil Klugman's in Goodbye, Columbus. Don't they make you feel good?)

Tillman, Jr., George (Director). Men of Honor. United States: Fox 2000 Pictures, 2000.

Starring: Demene Hall (Mrs. Biddle, Librarian); Cuba Gooding, Jr. (Carl Brashear); Aunjanue Ellis (Jo, med student/doctor & library worker)

This film is worth viewing even without the few library scenes. An ambitious rural black man (Gooding) needs tutoring to help him pass the Navy's dive school tests, and turns to the resources of the public library in Harlem where he meets the woman who will later become his wife. It's refreshing to see a black librarian. Actress Hall is beautiful and her bun is actually stylish (okay, the glasses are a bit much, but remember the times). Her character doesn't fuss when the two young people stay after hours. A positive (albeit very brief) librarian portrayal, circa 1950.

Bierman, Robert (Director). A Merry War. United Kingdom: Arts Council of England, 1997.

Starring: Joan Blackham (Librarian); Richard E. Grant (Gordon Comstock); Helena Bonham Carter (Rosemary)

Original Title: Keep the Aspidistra Flying

Based on the Novel: Orwell, George. Keep the Aspidistra Flying. NY: Harcourt Brace & Co., 1956.

Movie people are idiots, but we knew that. How else to explain why George Orwell's semi-autobiographical novel had its colorful and meaningful title (Keep the Aspidistra Flying) changed not once but twice after this film was released (A Merry War and Comstock and Rosemary)? Did they fear Americans and Australians wouldn't pay money to see a movie about airborne houseplants? Sheesh. Anyway, this film has three settings of interest to booklovers. When Comstock gives up his successful career as an advertising copywriter in order to write poetry, he is forced to take a job in a used books shop and lodge in a boarding house where respectability is evidenced by the aspidistra in the window. In a black moment he growls, "I hate poetry, I hate my room, and most of all I hate the aspidistra in my room and I'm going to kill it." He adds, "You can't be a successful writer unless you're rich or been to Oxford. Also helps if you're queer and a paid-up member of the Communist Party." As he sinks down the ladder of success, Comstock ends up in the slums working at a grimy Chutney bookstore ("Eldridge Bookseller & Lending Library" the sign reads) where the owner continually munches a bag of crisps while handling the books, which he openly despises: "I hate the bastards but they make me a bob or two. I've never read one in my life." Three categories are mentioned: Crime, Romance, and Sex. Contrast this to the public library on the tonier side of town where Comstock asks if they have books about pregnancy. The librarian is stereotypical (need I say more?) and the rubber stamp never leaves her hand. She responds, "Not for the general public. Are you a medical student?" She finally does bring him a book, but open access it ain't. Apropos of nothing, the happy ending had to be the author's idea of depressing irony (give up your dreams, capitulate to society, and you'll find love and success). Not that it matters. Comstock is thoroughly irritating (especially in the novel) and I haven't a clue what Rosemary sees in him. (The best part of this film is his relationship with the symbolic plant, which he tortures when the landlady isn't looking.)

Stevenson, Robert (Director). The Misadventures of Merlin Jones. United States: Walt Disney Pictures, 1964.

Starring: Tommy Kirk (Merlin Jones); Annette [Funicello] (Jennifer)

If you're old enough to remember these Disney chestnuts (this film is two shorts fused together), you may want to introduce your children (or grandchildren **sigh**) to the innocent fun we enjoyed back then. In the first part, one of Merlin's wacky inventions going kablooey and he can suddenly read minds. With a need for more information about his new power, he goes to the Medfield College Library, where he tip-toes up to the Librarian's desk. She wears her Lucy-red hair in an up-sweep, and peers through pointy glasses. An enormous QUIET sign dominates her desk. When Jones asks for books on mind-reading, she directs him to Fiction. When he explains he wants scientific materials, she thinks (and he hears), "The poor boy has been studying too hard." He finds a book and sits down, but soon picks up on the thoughts of the other students. When they get too loud and disturbing, he loses control, jumps up and shouts, "QUIET!" The librarian (actress unidentified) marches up and gives him a world-class shushing. When a football player mentally calls Jones a creep, Jones shoves him into a bookcase, toppling it over along with several others (you know the routine). The librarian declares to the jock (sprawled in a pile of books), "You will pick up every one of those books and return it to its proper place!!!" Lovely library -- lots of warm wood. This film is filled with stereotypes, except in one obvious scene, and another character notices: "In my day, plumbers looked like plumbers." Note how the judge's glasses don't have any glass in them.

Decter, Ed (Director). The New Guy. United States: Bedlam Pictures, 2002.

Starring: Justine Johnston (Mrs. Whitman, Librarian); D.J. Qualls (Dizzy Harrison)

Dizzy Harrison is that geeky new freshman, requisite icon of coming-of-age films, who must learn how to make himself cool. When he is expelled from school and briefly jailed, he learns from a con (Luther, played by Eddie Griffin) what it takes to be respected. Dizzy demonstrates his newfound bad-boy skills at another high school, and darn if they don't work. What made him want to change schools in the first place? Total humiliation: "Yesterday an 80-year-old librarian broke my penis!" The scene is fast and fleeting, but you gotta love it.

Farrelly, Bobby & Peter (Directors). Osmosis Jones. United States: Warner Bros., 2001.

Starring: Bill Murray (Frank Detomello); Chris Rock (voice of Osmosis Jones)

This combination live action and animation film boasts one brief but humorous scene in a very nontraditional library -- Frank's brain. The animated part takes place inside Frank's body as Osmosis Jones (a white blood cell) fights a nasty virus in order to keep Frank alive. At one point OJ needs information about the nature of the enemy, and he telephones the brain. A stereotypical librarian (half-glasses, 1950s "do") answers. "Brain Memory Library, can I help you?" "You got any information on something called el moray roho?" "I'll check but we're really all about sports statistics here. … Sir? La muerte roja, that's Spanish -- it means The Red Death." "What's that -- some kind of taco sauce?" No need to describe Frank too graphically -- you know enough that he's played splendidly by Bill Murray (meaning, do NOT watch this film while you're eating). Three books shelved behind the librarian are entitled Movies, Beer, and Trucks. The library itself is a towering array of bookshelves and file cabinets, rather curvy and molten and covered with brain-goo. This film deserves applause for showing a library as a source of answers to questions, particularly one so important to the advancement of the storyline.

Bridges, James (Director). The Paper Chase. United States: 20th Century Fox, 1973.

Starring: John Houseman (Charles W. Kingsfield, Jr.); Timothy Bottoms (James T. Hart); Lindsay Wagner (Susan); Graham Beckel (Franklin Ford III)

Based on the Novel: Osborn, Jr., John Jay. The Paper Chase. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1971.

James Hart's first year at Harvard Law School finds him bewildered, puzzled, amazed, and more than a little confused. As he struggles to keep his head above water, he serves as witness to the rise and fall of his fellow classmates against whom he measures his own progress. He is personally drawn into the shadow of his contracts professor, Kingsfield (John Houseman), not surprising since he's also dating his lovely daughter (Lindsey Wagner, of Bionic Woman fame). There are a few short but important library scenes. The stacks are close and crammed with books (many on their fore-edges to fit the short shelves, and no labels). We first see the library when Hart and Ford (Graham Beckel) enter Langdell Hall through a window very early in the morning.

Ford: Where the hell are we?
Hart: In the heart of the beast. Oh, this goddamn building gets to me, it comforts me, restores my soul… Yeah thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of ignorance, I shall fear no evil, for the law is with me.
Ford: Okay, okay, let's get the book you want and get out of here. Hurry up and get your book!

Powell, Michael (Director). Peeping Tom. United Kingdom: Michael Powell (Theatre), 1960.

Starring: Anna Massey (Helen Stephens, Children's Librarian); Karlheinz Böhm (Mark Lewis)

The female lead, Helen (Anna Massey), is a children's librarian although we never see her on the job. (There is one quick scene where she's leaving work, a public library in London.) In her spare time she writes and publishes children's stories. Now she has her first book commission about a magic camera and would like to hire the professional film cameraman who lives upstairs to do the book's illustrations. She's 21, red-haired and home-grown pretty, and she's smitten by the older neighbor who hides in shadows and peers at the world through glass (a window, his camera lenses), continually putting herself in his way in the house they share. Helen's role, according to the commentary, is to "personify curiosity" which she does with her behaviors and long strings of questions, and this fits in well with her profession. Oddly, her blind mother "sees" their neighbor better than her daughter, and accuses him of harboring a secret. What we know from the opening scenes is that he uses his film camera as a weapon of sadistic murder. The movie was released two years before Psycho but they share the same fan base. Peeping Tom is a psychological thriller you need to watch twice. The first time you'll be introduced to characters and settings and subtle but effective violence. I was disturbed after the first go-through because of a vague "something" about the movie that made me watch it a second time with film theorist Laura Mulvey's fascinating commentary. She adroitly identified elements of the film's artistry that communicated the director's meaning. This film came to be respected by critics long after it was panned and unsuccessful in its earliest years.

Deck, James D. (Director). Pendulum. United States: Blue Thunder Films, 2001.

Starring: Scarlett McAlister (Haley Porter, Librarian); Rachel Hunter (Amanda Reeve)

Amanda Reeve (Rachel Hunter) is a police detective given the unpleasant assignment of tracking down the killer of Professor Emerson from the fictitious Welland School of Law. Two lesbian students (normally sexual orientation wouldn't be mentioned except these two lovely ladies can't keep their hands off each other while being interviewed) refer Det. Hunter to a law school librarian to affirm their alibi of studying that night. The "librarian" (Scarlett McAllister) despite her title has all the earmarks of being a student assistant -- she works only two days a week, she's ditzy, she's obviously lying, and she's also one of Emerson's students. She exudes sexuality so you know from the introductory frame that she's tied in with the other ladies somehow. We learn soon enough that she was a witness to the murder. (That's not a spoiler because I refuse to believe that someone of your obvious intelligence would rent or purchase a film that has all the intrigue of an episode of "Mannix.") As an example of a librarian in a movie, Pendulum is an outlier, being a film noir indy with a screenwriter who has a lot to learn about library staff hierarchy.

Demme, Jonathan (Director). Philadelphia. United States: TriStar Pictures, 1993.

Starring: Tracey Walter (Librarian); Tom Hanks (Andrew Beckett); Denzel Washington (Joe Miller)

The law library scene where attorney Joe Miller first humanizes AIDS victim Andrew Beckett features a male librarian gently urging the coughing and ailing man to move to a private research room. Beckett refuses, and other patrons move away. The scene is realistic and the librarian's behavior not (IMHO) unreasonable under the circumstances. A librarian tries to negotiate a peaceful environment for all patrons. He is respectful and doesn't insist Beckett leave. The purpose of the scene is for Miller (and viewers) to see how Beckett is treated in a society that fears him and misunderstands his disease. The point is made without the librarian being unprofessional.

Cukor, George (Director). The Philadelphia Story. United States: Metro-Goldwyn Mayer, 1940.

Starring: Hilda Plowright (Librarian); James Stewart (Mike Connor); Katharine Hepburn (Tracy Lord); Cary Grant (C.K. Dexter Haven)

Based on the Play: Barry, Phillip. The Philadelphia Story: A Comedy in Three Acts. New York: Coward-McCann, 1939.

And Broadway Play (1938) Starring: Katharine Hepburn (Tracy Lord; in 1980 Blythe Danner revised the role on Broadway for a brief run). Donald Ogden Stewart won an Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay.

Haven's grandfather built the vine-covered public library that briefly appears in this witty film that relaunched Hepburn's career and won Stewart his only Oscar. The dialog is crisp and funny, especially when writer Mike Connor (Stewart) goes to the library to research the history of the hoity-toity Lord family. The conservative librarian (no glasses!) asks him, "What does thee wish?" He tells her, and she replies, "If thee will consult with my colleague in there." He then asks, "Dost thou have a washroom? Thank thee." (One must assume the librarian is a Quaker but it's never specified.) Of course he gets shushed when speaking with Miss Lord (who happens to be sitting there reading one of his books). Wonderful repartee in this film. Tracy to short-story author Connor: "People buy books, don't they?" "Not as long as there's a library around." Wise-acre Dexter Haven (Cary Grant) later says to Connor, "I thought all writers drank to excess and beat their wives. You know, one time I secretly wanted to be a writer." No heavy library themes here, but you can use it as your excuse to re-watch this light and lively early movie featuring three true Hollywood stars in their prime.

Frears, Stephen (Director). Prick Up Your Ears. United Kingdom: Zenith Entertainment, Ltd., 1987.

Starring: Eric Richard (Education Officer); Gary Oldman (Joe Orton); Alfred Molina (Kenneth Halliwell)

Based on the Biography: Lahr, John. Prick Up Your Ears. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1978.

Failed artist Kenneth Halliwell (Alfred Molina) creates collages with portraits scissored out of publications, including library books. The role of Education Officer (Eric Richard) is brief, as he seeks proof as to the culprit destroying the library's books. He sets up a sting, sending Halliwell a letter demanding that he remove his derelict car from in front of the building. Halliwell's roommate, struggling playwright Joe Orton (Gary Oldman), types an indignant response to this fabrication. The Education Officer then compares the typing from this letter to typing he found on a dust jacket flap (writers will write on anything, it appears), and this evidence is enough to land the men in prison for six months. This separation after ten years as roommates proves pivotal for Joe, who writes his first play behind bars and thereby launches his career, leading to success that eventually festers resentment in Kenneth, and a bloody conclusion to the relationship. This biography of British playwright Orton occurs during a time when homosexuality was a crime, and every character seems to have some shade of mental illness. Notable quote: Kenneth: "Can you spell?" Joe: "Yes … but not accurately."

Urban, Stuart (Director). Revelation. United Kingdom: Romulus Films, 2001.

Starring: Derek Jacobi (Librarian); James D'Arcy (Jacob Martel); Natasha Wightman (Mira); Liam Cunningham (Father Ray Connolly)

The brief library scene is pivotal in that our three protagonists learn, from searching the Isaac Newton collection at Cambridge University, information that leads them to the Loculus which contains the DNA of Jesus Christ (not to mention info re nifty torture techniques). The librarian -- a middle-aged man in glasses -- eavesdrops after the library closes, and is rewarded by being gagged with the gloves worn to preserve the books. Lacking a photocopier, Jake rips out a page and the librarian screams as best he can with his mouth full of glove. Filming emphasis is placed on the barred door that prevents anyone from stealing the books, but apparently not a page thereof. Best repartee: "How can an idiot be a librarian?" "How can a gunman be a priest?"

Jewison, Norman (Director). Rollerball. United States: Algonquin, 1975.

Starring: Ralph Richardson (Librarian); James Caan (Jonathan E.); John Houseman (Bartholomew)

Based on the Short Story: Harrison, William. "Roller Ball Murder." Esquire, September 1973.

Libraries -- in this society where corporations have replaced governments and organized religion, and where sports arenas are now battlefields -- are sterile environments in the "Luxury Center" with books "transcribed" by librarians (meaning edited to fit the current ideology). The clerk is lovely and smiles prettily but is useless as an information provider. "Well," Jonathan tells her, "I can see then this is not a library and you're really not a librarian." "I'm only a clerk." So Jonathan goes to Geneva to check out the liquid "memory pool" computer (named Zero, that erases everything on the 13th century, sorry). Typical plot of one man against a corrupt system. Numerous subthemes between the blood splatters.

Hitchcock, Alfred (Director). Shadow of a Doubt. United States: Universal Pictures, 1943.

Starring: Eily Malyon (Mrs. Cochran, Librarian); Teresa Wright (Charlie); Joseph Cotton (Uncle Charlie)

Based on the Short Story: McDonell, Gordon. "Uncle Charlie."

When young Charlie wants to know why her beloved Uncle Charlie removed a page from the daily paper, she goes to the public library to get answers. The library itself ("Free Public Library" reads the sign over the front entrance) is a large and formidable building choking in ivy. The interior is old fashioned gorgeous, a dream library, thick with atmosphere. Charlie arrives just as the library closes. Repeated pounding on the door brings an elderly but feminine librarian who protests at first ("If I make one exception I have to make a thousand") before giving the girl three minutes to check out the newspapers. Reluctant information facilitation, but many of us have been there, done that. Sidebar: Charlie's bookworm little sister wants to marry a librarian so she'll always have lots of books to read. (Odd thought, why wouldn't she want to become a librarian herself? She has the glasses, hair severally drawn back, and a penchant for tucking things behind her ear.) This dark Hitchcock masterpiece introduced a young and quirky Hume Cronyn.

Raimi, Sam (Director). A Simple Plan. United States: Paramount, 1998.

Starring: Bridget Fonda (Sarah Mitchell, Library Worker); Bill Paxton (Hank Mitchell); Billie Bob Thornton (Jacob Mitchell)

Based on the Novel: Smith, Scott B. A Simple Plan. NY: Alfred A. Knopf, 1993.

Sarah (Bridget Fonda) is heavy with child while shelving books in an early scene of this film about good people lured into doing bad things. Her husband, Hank (Bill Paxton), his brother and a buddy let greed overcome common sense when they find a downed aircraft carrying a lot of money. She wants to turn it in, he does not, and soon events spin out of control. Later she helps find information on a microfiche machine, so she succeeds as an information provider. The point of her working in a library, however, appears to be a means of showing that she has an underpaid job (they have money problems) with no future (they're destined to continue having money problems) and that doesn't bring personal satisfaction. This is underscored at the end (MILD SPOILER FOLLOWS) when we see her once again shelving books in a scene almost exactly like the earlier one. This is a fine film, beautifully acted, that will have you asking yourself what you would do in their situation. The movie parallels the book as much as movies ever do. The library job is pretty close (there are no significant library scenes in either). The small town library job is considered beneath Sarah's capabilities, but considering her degree in petroleum engineering, perhaps it is. At one point the library fires her. Apparently if you bring a crying baby to work with you every day, the patrons get annoyed. This is not in the film.

Szwarc, Jeannot (Director). Somewhere in Time. United States: Universal Pictures, 1980.

Starring: Noreen Walker (Librarian); Christopher Reeve (Richard Collier); Jane Seymour (Elise McKenna)

Smitten by an old photograph of a beautiful actress, Richard Collier frantically researches her background at the library. When he asks about old magazines, the librarian -- young and black, with big glasses -- checks her watch before snapping, "They're in the back and I'd have to find them." But find them she does. This is it as far as libraries and librarians in this film, which is a very pretty but oh-so-slow romance with no meat whatsoever. (Want a much better Christopher-Reeve-in-his-prime film, go rent Deathtrap.)

Pakula, Alan J. (Director). Sophie's Choice. United States: Universal Pictures, 1982.

Starring: John Rothman (Librarian); Meryl Streep (Sophie); Kevin Kline (Nathan)

Based on the Novel: Stryon, William. Sophie's Choice. NY: Random House, 1979.

This film features a brief scene where Sophie, Auschwitz survivor and émigré to New York City, requests help from a stern male librarian who deliberately acts obtuse. When she asks for poetry by Emil Dickens, he ridicules her, saying she means Charles Dickens and that he didn't write poetry. This scene is much stronger and more pivotal in the book, as it shows where Sophie meets her paranoid-schizophrenic lover, Nathan, when he helps her after the librarian's rudeness causes her to faint and vomit. We learn that the Jewish librarian, Sholom Weiss, triggers horrific memories from Sophie's past -- she believes him to be a Nazi. Nathan tears into him with language so strong I can quote only a small piece here: "You nasty little putz ... you're enough to make anyone puke!" (p.105). (Nathan claims to be a biologist but in reality holds an "undemanding" job at Pfizer's company library.)

Daves, Delmer (Director). Spencer's Mountain. United States: Warner Bros., 1963.

Starring: James MacArthur (Clayboy Spencer, "Librarian"); Virginia Gregg (Miss Parker); Henry Fonda (Clay Spencer); Hayden Rorke (Colonel Coleman)

Based on the Novel: Hamner, Jr., Earl. Spencer's Mountain. NY: Dial Press, 1961.

Spencer's Mountain is the film version (set in Wyoming) of the novelized version of Earl Hamner, Jr.'s boyhood days (in Virginia) that morphed into a later Christmas novella, The Homecoming, and a subsequent television special of the same name, and then all were mishmoshed together and serialized as The Waltons, the show that gave us John Boy and a really annoying way for large families to say goodnight. In this film, Clayboy has graduated top of his class from high school and the family makes sacrifices so he can go to college. His teacher and greatest fan, Miss Parker, is determined to keep him out of the mines, and arranges to have an abandoned shack (rather an attractive log cabin) converted into the community's first library. First she has to convince Colonel Coleman to pay Clayboy $20 a week to act as librarian for the summer. He sputters, "If the company heard I paid $20 a week to a librarian, they'd fire me!" They compromise on $10 "and not a cent more!" Miss Parker and friends clean up the place and get duplicate books from other libraries. We know they receive Green Mansions and War and Peace, but no dictionary until the Colonel's pushy daughter buys one so she and Clayboy can look up dirty words. He studies Latin in the library, so it's getting some use, but otherwise we never see a single patron there, no surprise since the valley residents' illiteracy is mentioned a few times, although this is the most citified bunch of mountain folk you'll ever see on the big screen so it's hardly convincing. Library issues are nil, but there it is …

Ritt, Martin (Director). The Spy Who Came in from the Cold. United Kingdom: Paramount Pictures, 1965.

Starring: Richard Burton (Alec Leamas, Assistant Librarian); Claire Bloom (Nancy "Nan" Perry, Assistant Librarian); Anne Blake (Miss Crail, Librarian)

Based on the Novel: Le Carré, John. The Spy Who Came in from the Cold. NY: Coward-McCann, 1963.

At the height of the Cold War, when Alec Leamas must convince East German agents in London that he is a washed-up, burnt-out former British spy, he finds a crummy apartment, drinks his meals ... and gets a job in a library. The Bayswater Library for Psychic Research hires him to help Nan Perry re-index and cross-reference the collection. The librarian, Miss Crail, is bitter and sharp-tongued and (this is more evident in the book) takes a fervent dislike to poor Leamas. Nan, however, tucks him under wing and nurtures him right into bed. (Her name in the book is Elizabeth "Liz" Gold (she's Jewish), and as she is pretty and shapely and half his age, one wonders why she is lonely enough to fall for the disintegrating Leamas. I mean, FEMALE viewers/readers will wonder this. Males won't even think it odd.) Later, when Leamas tries to keep his captors from harming Nan, he declares, "She's just a frustrated little girl from a crackpot library." The library references are scant and irrelevant to Le Carré's complicated storyline, but we do see a small, special library under the control of a dragon librarian, and once again the setting serves as the place where characters first meet (see also Love Story, All the Queen's Men, Mad Love, etc.).

Ritt, Martin (Director). Stanley & Iris. United States: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 1990.

Starring: Dortha Duckworth (Librarian); Jane Fonda (Iris King); Robert de Niro (Stanley Everett Cox)

Based (barely) on the Novel: Barker, Pat. Union Street. New York: Putnam, 1983.

This film associates libraries with literacy as Stanley, although creative and talented, cannot read or write, which prevents him from holding a job. A sign over the library counter announces: "Man builds no structure which outlives a book." This early scene shows a confused man who sees children reading but he can't understand notices posted on the wall. "Teach me to read!" he implores of factory worker Iris King. Near the end of the film they return to the library, and he walks around reading aloud from a book. Disturbed patrons murmur as he passes, but Iris praises him. "I think you've got it, Stanley." He hugs her and spins her around. This sets off shushing and an appearance by the librarian (elderly lady, hair up, glasses on a cord, holding books). "What the matter with you? This is a library." Stanley replies, "I know it's a library, lady. It's MY library." When he takes a job in Detroit, he says to Iris, "I'll call you." "No, Stanley -- write to me." Two caveats about this film: The closest thing to action is that little spin in the library. And you'll never again buy factory-made bake-goods. (The film is so completely different from the book I'm surprised there's any claim of a relationship. For one thing, no Stanley, no illiteracy, one paragraph (graphically disgusting) about derelicts hanging around the library, and Iris is an older woman. And it takes place in England.)

Lucas, George (Director). Star War, Episode II: Attack of the Clones. United States: Lucasfilm, Ltd., 2002.

Novelization: Salvatore, R.A. Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones. New York: Ballentine, 2002.

Starring: Alathea McGrath (Madame Jocasta Nu, Jedi Archivist); Hayden Christensen (Anakin Skywalker); Ewan McGregor (Obi-Wan Kenobi); Ron Falk (Voice of Dexter Jettster)

Mandel, Robert (Director). The Substitute. United States: Dinamo Entertainment, 1996.

Starring: Peggy Pope (Hannah Dillon, School Librarian); Tom Berenger (Jonathan Shale)

Our first view of Hannah Dillon, librarian at a crime-ridden Miami high school, is her dozing at a table in the teacher's lounge, feet propped up on a chair, reading glasses resting on a short stack of books. She is comfortably middle-aged with orange hair and a worn face, and she makes bad coffee. (Personally I think Peggy Pope is perfect casting for this role.) She's resigned to working in a hell-hole. "If Hannah had her way," another teacher says, "we'd go back to the days when you could bludgeon a kid for looking at you cross-eyed." Jonathan Shale (Tom Berenger) is the undercover substitute determined to rid the school of its organized drug enterprise. During an action sequence when the gang (oops -- I mean "posse") chases Shale into the library, you can tell this was filmed in an actual school library (explaining why the rest of the school gets decimated in the climax except the library) -- we see a bank of card catalogs, racks of unappealing but functional shelving, an office for the librarian complete with wire-embedded glass, and all the charm of San Quentin. Shale orders Hannah to get down behind the check-out desk and stay there as he's confronted by a group of punks and bad-guy school security officers. He gets the drop on them, sends the librarian into her office, then when the leader starts to speak he shushes him and says, "No talking in the library!" He then proceeds to pelt them with books from a bookcart. "It's about time you boys started hitting the books. Here's one [reading the spine] -- required reading [laughs] -- Catcher in the Rye." He slings the book into a bad guy's stomach. "My mistake," he quips. "Did I say catcher?" As they charge him en masse, he shoves the cart into their path; it falls and scatters its literary load. There's a predictable chase through the stacks and one by one the punks are caught and tossed through the second story windows. (This is rather a funny scene.) The leader of the pack, the last man standing, levels a gun at the librarian through the glass, and she's aiming a gun right back at him. Just then Shale snares him from behind and launches him out the window to join his friends below. Back in the librarian's office he gently removes the gun from her hands and says, "I'm sorry about those window." She gasps, "Hey … fuck it." He smiles. Not the best movie ever made, but you gotta love the red-headed broad.

Anderson, Michael (Director). Summer of the Monkeys. United States: Disney Studios, 1998.

Starring: Beverly Cooper (Librarian); Michael Ontkean (John Lee)

Based on the Novel: Rawls, Wilson. Summer of the Monkeys. Garden City: Doubleday, 1976.

When John Lee decides to trap a family of escaped circus chimps, he turns to the Ridgewell library for information on how to trap them. This 1800s Canadian town librarian is pre-stereotype (one would expect a bun, long dress, and conservative manner). She does deliver a stack of "materials" and of course glares daggers at the youngsters when they get too loud, but she says sincerely as they exit, "Come back again." (The book is different in that the story takes place in Oklahoma, the library is a lovely Carnegie building in Tahlequah, and the librarian is elderly, gray-haired, and with a twinkle in her eye. Or course she shushes the grandfather when he asks his reference question in a loud voice. And the monkeys in the book are actually monkeys, with a chimp as their leader.)

Morris, Ernest (Director). The Tell-Tale Heart. United Kingdom: Danziger Productions Ltd., 1960.

Starring: Laurence Payne (Edgar Marsh, Reference Librarian); Adrienne Corri (Betty Clare)

Based on the Short Story by Edgar Allan Poe (1843).

I started to outline the plot of this film -- which wouldn't be necessary if it even pretended to follow Poe's classic story -- but decided you had better things to do with your life than hear how filmmakers totally massacred a vivid piece of early American literature. So be it. The following is absolutely all and everything library-related in this film: Betty and Edgar are getting to know each other over dinner. She wants to know more about him. He says, "Well, I work as a librarian, in charge of the reference section at the main library here." That's it. That's all. Of course Poe's first-person story mentions no profession. (No Betty either for that matter.) Doubtless movie-makers made him a librarian to explain his social awkwardness and shyness around ladies. ("Ladies?" you might well ask. "What ladies?" Guess I won't mention the dancing.) What's odd about this is that the librarian stereotype in the mid-1800s was not the one we have today. Back then librarians were men, and their image showed them obsessed with their books perhaps, but personality-wise they were grouchy and grim and looked like Uriah Heep (the Dickens character, not the singing group). The scriptwriters apparently applied today's stereotype instead of one historically appropriate. Imagine, scriptwriters screwing up an adaptation. Tut tut.

Mann, Delbert (Director). That Touch of Mink. United States: Arwin Productions, 1962.

Starring: Barbara Collentine (Mrs. Smith, Librarian); Doris Day (Cathy Timberlake); Cary Grant (Philip Shayne); Mr. Smith (John Fielder); Everett Beasley (John Astin)

This film only makes the list because Cary Grant is in it. (**sigh**) Near the end, when Cathy (poor working girl) tries to make Mr. Shayne (rich playboy) jealous, she entices slimeball Beasley to take her to Al's Motel in Asbury Park. Her plan works, and Shayne bursts into the bridal suite only to find that the little blonde is not Cathy but a middle-aged lady newly married to an equally little, bald mama's boy. Not realizing that his bride is not the two-timer being sought, Mr. Smith concludes, "You librarians live it up pretty good." Later his wife assures him, "You do believe I never cared for another man 'til you walked into the library." He does, until ANOTHER man bursts in looking for Cathy, whereupon he calls for his mother to come pick him up.

Poirier, Gregory (Director). Tomcats. United States: Columbia Pictures, 2001.

Starring: Heather Stephens (Jill, dominatrix librarian); Marnie Crossen (dominatrix "Grammy" former librarian); Jerry O'Connell (Michael Delany); Jake Busey (Kyle Brennen)

In a fit of self-mobilization, Michael declares in the library bathroom that he's going to f*** the first woman he sees. Actually the second woman, as the first is decidedly unattractive. But the librarian (ho-hum stereotypical: bun, dowdy, quiet, shy, glasses and cardigan) is perfect, and he loves how she stammers "gosh, golly" when she invites him inside after their date. There he meets "Grammy" who used to be a librarian. Faster than you can say DDS, he's handcuffed to the bed in a den of leather and pain. "This is a little unexpected." "Call me a misfit." She punishes him because "I know about boys like you ... you don't take books seriously ... you don't respect books ... you break their bindings ... you doodle in their margins." He is to get one whack for each day overdue. Then Grammy joins in the fun. Parallels UHF's Conan the Barbarian, but with boobs.

Wynorsky, Jim (Director). Transylvania Twist. United States: Concorde Pictures, 1990.

Starring: Jay Robinson (Uncle Ephram, Librarian); Robert Vaughn (Lord Byron Orlock)

"This library is my life," Uncle Ephram tells his nephew Dexter in this parody of The Dunwich Horror (which begs the question, why would you choose a film to parody that does such a fine job of making fun of itself?). Ephram has worked at the Arkham Public Library (Arkham? From Lovecraft? Get it?) for 40 years, responsible for the world's largest collection of books on witchcraft and the black arts. The plot is tired and the humor lame as they race to find the Book of Ulthar and unleash the power of the Evil One. "I know," says Dexter, "once again we'll all be down the crapper." Marissa is a Madonna wanna-be (complete with music videos) who goes along for the ride. Of course there's a castle, and Robert Vaughn (who I'm guessing went insane before accepting the part) plays the demonic bad guy. The film is peppered with attempted cleverness, as when the characters walk through a door and find themselves on a black-and-white Honeymooners set and become Jackie Gleason and pals. All the usual horror movie references, spooky ancestral paintings, torches, a crypt. Yet it's no worse than the ridiculous film it parodies. There's a book being sought for its powers and a librarian plays a role, but you have better things to do with 90 minutes of your life.

Kazan, Elia (Director). A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. United States: 20th Century Fox, 1945.

Starring: Lillian Bronson (Librarian); Peggy Ann Garner (Francie Nolan)

Based on the Novel: Smith, Betty. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. NY: Harper & Brothers, 1943.

Chapter two of Betty Smith's autobiographical novel begins: "The library was a little old shabby place. Francie thought it was beautiful. The feeling she had about it was as good as the feeling she had about church." Eleven-year old Francie does not, however, like the librarian, who never looks up at the child even after years of faithful patronage. "[A] friendly comment would have made her so happy. She loved the library and was anxious to worship the lady in charge. But the librarian had other things on her mind. She hated children anyhow." I bring up the book's perspective because it's not presented in the film, which has one short library scene in which the librarian, despite a stern demeanor, is helpful and actually converses. At the end of the book when Francie is several years older, she finally confronts the librarian, making her look up for the first time. "There are so many children," the lady says, "I can't be looking at each one of them." This movie is filmed in black and white and is heavy with dramatic pauses -- not worth the Blockbuster fee if you're looking only for library issues. The book doesn't contribute much to the librarian literature either, but is as poignant now as when you read it the first time when you were young.

Schleppi, Helmut (Director). Two Brothers and a Bride. United States: Black & White, 2003.

Starring: Beasley, Allyce ("Library Lady"); Tim Blake Nelson (Jake Adams)

Original Title: A Foreign Affair

When two brothers decide they need a Russian bride, Jake (Tim Blake Nelson) goes to the library to access the internet. The "library lady" who helps him is the always funny Allyce Beasley of "Moonlighting" fame. She directs him: "The name of the website … you gotta type it." He tells her, "It's Loveme.com." Coolly she replies, "There's a 20-minute time limit. You got 16 left," then whispers in his ear, "I'm watching you, buddy." Her haircut is bland, she wears no makeup, and though she does help him it's only because she has to. This is an actual website, by the way, should you happen to be in need of a Russian bride.

UHF Levey, Jay (Director). UHF. United States: Orion Pictures Corp., 1989. Starring: Roger Callard (Conan the Librarian); Weird Al Yankovic (George Newman) Featuring: "Conan the Barbarian" Fantasy story character created by Robert E. Howard (1930s). This brief sketch features Conan the Barbarian in full growl. When asked where a book is, he snarls, "Don't you know the Dewey Decimal System?" When a boy brings back books that are "a little overdue," Conan slices him in half vertically with his sword. This is NOT Marian the Librarian. The role is not pertinent to the film, just a comical interlude. Conan obstructs the flow of information big time.

Mulligan, Robert (Director). Up the Down Staircase. United States: Park Place Production, 1967.

Starring: Francis (aka Frances) Sternhagen (Charlotte Wolf, High School Librarian); Sandy Dennis (Sylvia Barrett, English Teacher); Roy Poole (James J. McHabe)

Based on the Novel: Kaufman, Bel. Up the Down Staircase. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall, 1964.

Back in the mid-1960s, even inner city high school teachers had advanced degrees and hoodlums looked dressed up compared to clothing worn now. Little else has changed, however. Classes are overcrowded, teachers have to buy their own chalk, and both students and staff reach a point where they simply stop caring. This film lacks the drama of other films of its era (e.g., Blackboard Jungle (1955), To Sir with Love (1967)), but offers more realism than parallel films-from-books popular at the time (Good Morning, Miss Dove (1955), Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1969)). The librarian, Miss Wolf (superbly played by popular character actress Frances Sternhagen), speaks in only two scenes, the first during the semester's first staff meeting, which is held in the Calvin Coolidge High School's large but cramped library. Vying with everyone else demanding attention from the chairman, she finally gets the floor: "When returning books to the library, students must put them back on the shelves straight. I want those books in the right places with the edges even. It's very important--" at which point her declaration of policy is preempted and the gavel moves on. She can't even hold the camera's attention during this brief petulant spiel, as it focuses on bored and smirking teachers. Later Miss Wolf corners Mr. McHabe in the hallway and brandishes a hefty book that has been hollowed out. She stridently demands, "Look at this Ivanhoe, Mr. McHabe. Gutted! It's been used to carry something in and out of this building, something filthy you can be sure. Who would dare to do that to Ivanhoe?" The question is rhetorical. She storms off without waiting for a reply, her cause apparently hopeless, the confrontation cathartic venting. Miss Wolf has beautiful strawberry blond hair swept into a thick bun, and she wears the requisite cardigan, but her attitude is less a product of the stereotype than the environment that has soured all the school staff who share her frustration and impotent resignation.

Haskin, Byron (Director). The War of the Worlds. United States: Paramount Pictures, 1953.

Starring: Ann Robinson (Sylvia Van Buren, teacher of Library Science); Gene Berry (Dr. Clayton Forrester)

Based on the Novel: Wells, H.G. The War of the Worlds. London: Heinemann, 1898.

This classic adaptation of H.G. Wells' science fiction thriller takes place in California instead of England, and Sylvia Van Buren is only one of a whole cast of characters that never appear in the book (which is narrated first-person by a married man). Sylvia is young, pretty, with no glasses and indestructible lipstick. She introduces herself to Dr. Forrester with "I teach Library Science at USC," and we know she has a master's degree. She mentions writing a thesis about "modern scientists," which is how she knows Forrester's work. And that's it for library connections. Her education lends nothing to the film, as her primary function is serving coffee, and later she drives a school bus. We learn she's from a large family in Minnesota and knows how to fry eggs. Nobody seems to question why she's hanging around the front lines in her shirtwaist dress and practical shoes. I suspect the scriptwriter had his damsel be a university instructor so as to match her with the good doctor, who lives on campus at Pacific Tech. Too bad her intellect doesn't advance the plot. She plays the pretty token female very well, however. Notable quote from Dr. Forrester: "You never know where you're going to wind up when you go to a square dance." And if Dr. Clayton Forrester's name sounds familiar and those big glasses look familiar, then you're a fellow fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Russo, Anthony & Joe Russo (Directors). You, Me and Dupree. United States: Universal Pictures, 2006.

Starring: Owen Wilson (Randy Dupree, Librarian lover); Kate Hudson (Molly Peterson); Matt Dillon (Carl Peterson)

(Warning -- If you haven't seen this film yet, you may want to wait to read this, as some minor spoilers are revealed.)

The plot is a Hollywood chestnut: A newly married couple -- Molly and Carl -- find their lives disrupted when Dupree, Carl's lifelong friend and the best man at their wedding, crashes on the couch and shows every intention of simply staying there. Molly (an elementary school teacher) suggests to Carl that she arrange a date between Dupree and Mandy, the school librarian. "She seems really nice," she tells her husband. Carl is skeptical. "You want to fix Dupree up with a really nice librarian? Listen, I've known the guy for 25 years. I think he's more into the young, foreign, not-librarian type. … I wouldn't get my hopes up." Yet when she asks Dupree his immediate response is "I'll do it." His only question is, "Does she have a car?" Fortunately she does. He half smiles, murmurs "Librarian!" and nods knowingly. That night when Carl and Molly return home from a company dinner, they interrupt the couple … um … getting to know each other, shall we say? … on their fold-out couch. All we see of Mandy in the flickering candle-light is one shapely elevated leg which Dupree is smearing with butter. Molly runs outside, shocked -- Mandy, after all, is a Mormon. (Carl, beyond surprise now, states flatly, "You fixed Dupree up with a Mormon librarian.") Molly is horrified by what she witnessed. "That butter dish was a wedding gift!" Dupree rushes out of the house (holding couch pillows in strategic places) and wants to thank Molly for the best night of his life. "I'm in love!" At this point we see (through the window) the living room burst into flames. Later we get only a glimpse of Mandy's curly brown hair when Dupree sends her home in her car. (He compares her to Audrey Hepburn, if that's a hint as to her appearance and how classy she appears to him.) Dupree is asked to leave the next morning, when he announces that he's going to move in with Mandy ("The librarian," Carl confirms.). That night they find Dupree sitting on a park bench in the pouring rain listening to Barry Manilow ("Mandy," of course). "Don't ask," he says miserably to Molly. Of course they take him home, one condition being "no more naked stuff." Later, when Dupree fills in for Carl for "Career Day" at Molly's school (despite his lack of one), he begs her to get the librarian to come to class and watch. "I think this will win her back." Of course she doesn't show, and after class Molly, with difficulty, explains that Mandy didn't come because "Mandy … she has to … she had … she … had a book … that was … lost." He's clearly upset. "Dupree, there's something you need to know about Mandy. Well, it turns out … she's a total slut. She's sleeping with half the male faculty." "What?" he cries, "My Mandy?" He's tormented by the news. At this point we see a nerdy teacher going into a classroom and Dupree looks at Mandy and she reluctantly nods, and then the hunky coach passes by with his team (nod) , and then the janitor rolls his cart past them ("I'm afraid so." "He's not even on the faculty!") Dupree concludes that he's a sucker and is heart-broken. The (mostly unseen but still detailed) character of Mandy runs counter to the public image of "librarian," especially one who works in an elementary school, but the only character in the film who reacts to the label is Carl. I propose that he mirrors the reaction the screenwriter expects to get from the audience -- Carl voices what we're supposedly thinking. Molly's surprise that the woman is a slut is not related to the job title, just her being unaware of what was apparently common knowledge at the school. Film reviewers were pretty rough on You, Me and Dupree because it is derivative and predictable, but it's not a bad film. Put it on your Blockbuster or Netflix list and make some popcorn. You may want to hold the butter.