Disclaimer: Voyager, and all assorted PADDs belong to Paramount. I only get to peek at what the crew passes amongst themselves each week. I'm living vicariously, so I obviously don't get paid for it. If you sue me, I'll be very, very sad.
To: Voyager Crew Manifest (Except Commander Chakotay)
To: Senior Staff (Excepting Commander Chakotay)
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: Tuvok, Lieutenant Commander
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: B. Torres, Lieutenant
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: B. Torres, Lieutenant
To: Senior Staff (Excepting Commander Chakotay)
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: T. Paris, Ensign
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: Neelix, Morale Officer
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: Chakotay, Commander
To: K. Janeway, Captain, USS Starship Voyager
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: All Senior Staff (Except Commander Chakotay)
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: B. Torres, Lieutenant
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: Tuvok, Lieutenant Commander
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: Chakotay, Commander
To: K. Janeway, Captain
To: Chakotay, Commander
To: Kathryn, Captain, which is the only thing saving her right now
To: Chakotay, such a sore loser
To: Kathryn, who is a very sore winner
To: Chakotay, prey
To: All Crew Members
To: All Senior Staff (Except Commander Chakotay)
From: K. Janeway, Your Captain
Time Sent: 0630 hours
Crew-
Remember, attendance is mandatory at this afternoon's function. Those of you who are scheduled to be on duty, there will be floating crew members in each department who will relieve each person for a partial shift.
I repeat. I expect to see every one of you tonight. Department heads, submit any last minute problems or scheduling changes to me by 1830 hours. I will contact you directly about any alterations that need to be made.
-K. Janeway
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 0640 hours
Everyone-
I am taking this very personally, people. Commander Chakotay has managed to figure out our plans for his birthday and weasel out of them every single year since this ship landed in the Delta Quadrant. It is really beginning to annoy me. This year, we are going to pin him to the wall, right when he least expects it. So far, we've gotten to the day of the event without him being any wiser about it. Should he somehow find out before 1200 hours today, I will be very, very disappointed.
Please meet for a last minute council of war at 0930 hours, my quarters. B'Elanna, I'm expecting you to make sure we're not discovered. Distract him. Eject the warp core if you have to.
This is going to happen if I have to drag him kicking and screaming into cargo bay three myself.
-Your Demented Senior Officer, K. Janeway
From: Tuvok, Lieutenant Commander
Time Sent: 0700 hours
Captain-
As instructed, I have sent a security team to watch Commander Chakotay's movements. I would suggest, however, that such a move seems to be a bit extreme, considering the circumstances.
It would also not be advisable to suggest to Lt. Torres that she eject the warp core. Such a statement, even intended as a jest, is enough to make certain members of the crew nervous.
-Tuvok
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 0710 hours
Tuvok-
You can give me that Vulcan line all you want. I saw your face last year when he snuck past us again. You're taking this almost as hard as I am.
This year, we've got him, Tuvok. Two months early, in the middle of the day, instead of the evening, and right when we've hit our busiest time in weeks. The crew has been slowly, steadily gathering their presents. No sudden rush on the replicator rations, no skeleton crew assigned to a normally large duty shift. And no where to hide. The shuttles are in for repairs, all of them, and the holodecks have been sealed, also for systems checks.
We've got him.
-K. Janeway
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time Sent: 0712 hours
Captain-
We may have a problem. I just spoke to Chakotay, to remind him that we have to go over the engineering schematics this morning, and he said that he had to cancel. Apparently, he needs to schedule a meeting with you this morning. I tried to get him to tell me what he needed to discuss, but he clamed up on me. Said that it was a matter he had to discuss with you, and he'd get back to me about the engineering problem.
Captain, if he knows, I'd like to say up front, it wasn't any of my people. They know what I'd do to their small, fragile bones if they opened their mouths.
-B. Torres
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 0720 hours
B'Elanna-
I can not believe this...
Okay, I'll be waiting for him to get in contact with me. Keep close to your PADD, and make sure that I can get in touch with you. We may need to do an end run around him.
Get ready with plan B.
-K. Janeway
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time Sent: 0732 hours
Captain-
I'd really prefer not to eject the warp core again. I'm more then willing to follow you off a cliff, literally, ma'am, but eventually we're going to get back to the Alpha Quadrant. When that happens, I'd like to be able to face Voyager's design team with as few warp core ejections as possible. Already, I'm kind of scraping the upper limits. If I dump the core one more time, there's a fairly good chance that they'll never let me get my hands on another engine again.
I'll see if I can come up with another means of distracting him. Maybe just a gel pack explosion. Or a loss of life-support system.
-B. Torres
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 0746 hours
B'Elanna-
Understood.
I'll contact the rest of the senior staff about the meeting. You worry about giving me some warning if he suddenly heads in my direction. Or if you're going to have to cut life support to my ready room.
We'll keep the warp core ejection as a back up plan.
-K.Janeway
From: K. Janeway, Captain and Party Planner
Time Sent: 0752 hours
Okay, Everyone.
Meeting is being pushed back to at least 1030 hours. The Commander may have caught a vibe about something, and according to B'Elanna, he's going to request a meeting with me this morning. It seems logical that he'll meet me in my ready room just after I begin my shift at 0900 hours. I'll get back to you about the updated schedule.
For now, talk to your people. Tom, Neelix, Doctor, sniff around. If he knows, I want some warning, and I want to know who is going to spend the rest of this trip in the Jeffries tubes, looking for errant warp particles.
-K. Janeway
From: T. Paris, Ensign
Time Sent: 0811 hours
Captain-
I've checked around. I'm sure Neelix will get back to you, as well, but we haven't heard so much as a hint of anything being leaked. The crew knows how much you want this to happen, so there's not much of a chance of anyone letting anything out.
Also, ma'am, if I could make a personal request. B'Elanna is really panicked about the concept of another core breach. Please don't make her do it. Retrieving it last time almost killed both of us.
-T. Paris
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 0827 hours
Tom-
If there's one thing I know, Tom, it's that Chakotay hates these things almost as much as I love them. He'll do anything to make sure that he's not forced to sit through his own birthday party, and he's done it before. Someone on this crew may be letting him know when to make himself scarce. If that's the case, I want to know who. Get back out there, and make sure everyone you talk to understands the potential outcome of this situation. Have you talked to the Doctor yet?
And, as I told B'Elanna, we're saving the core ejection for a worst case scenario.
-K. Janeway
From: T. Paris, Ensign
Time Sent: 0852 hours
Captain-
With all due respect, even if there was someone on this ship who felt a duty to warn Commander Chakotay, they're not likely to do it. We all saw your reaction after he snuck past us last year. The infamous cake incident, as it is still called on the lower decks, is enough to make sure that no one would even consider crossing you about this.
To be frank, most of the crew has a very healthy fear of you.
Also, why do I have the horrible feeling that your idea of a worst case scenario and B'Elanna's idea of a worst case scenario are two very different things?
-T. Paris
From: Neelix, Morale Officer
Time Sent: 0903 hours
Captain-
Tom asked me to forward anything I found out to you. Well, I'm afraid I haven't learned anything of real importance. He's right, everyone we even try to talk to gets this odd, incredibly frightened look on their face, and then they start insisting that however he learned about it, it wasn't from them. It might be funny, if it wasn't so scary.
I'm going to have to agree with Tom, here, Captain. No one told Commander Chakotay about our plans for this evening. He must have found out some other way.
By the way, we've almost finished decorating the Cargo Bay. Any last minute requests?
-Neelix
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 0911 hours
Neelix-
Keep one ear open. I'm expecting to hear from Commander Chakotay soon, so I'll see what I can learn then. As for the crew, why does everyone keep mentioning the word "fear" when discussing their relationship with me?
In any case, good job with the cargo bay. Remember to keep the locks engaged. I'm sending one of Tuvok's security personnel down to keep an eye on the whole thing. I'll get back to you about anything else we've forgotten, or we'll cover it in the meeting later this morning. I've got an incoming message...
-K. Janeway
From: Chakotay, Commander
Time Sent: 0911 hours
Captain-
If you could spare a moment this morning, we need to talk.
-Chakotay
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 0915 hours
Commander-
Of course. Meet me in my ready room at 0930 hours.
-K. Janeway
From: Seven of Nine, Head of Astrometrics
Time Sent: 0924 hours
Captain-
I have just completed my duty shift, and will not require regeneration for another seven hours. Is there any location in which I might be of assistance?
-Seven
From: H. Kim, Ensign
Time Sent: 0936 hours
Captain-
Several crew members would like to request that they be shifted to other duties for the remainder of the morning. They're expressing some nervousness around Commander Chakotay and they're afraid of what will happen to them if he figures out what's up from their behavior.
I've temporarily sent them down to help Neelix with any last minute details. What should I do with them when he's done?
-H. Kim
From: EMH Mark I, Chief Medical Officer, USS Starship Voyager
Time Sent: 0949 hours
Captain-
Mr. Neelix has insisted upon storing some of the party supplies here in sickbay, since Commander Chakotay, like everyone else on board, avoids it like the plague unless they're bleeding heavily. And even then, I sometimes have to go chasing across the ship after them...
But that's another story.
In any case, I can not continue to function like this. By my count there are one thousand, four hundred and seventy-two helium balloons packed into sickbay. Lieutenant Ayala came in for his check up, and it took me over a half hour to locate him. By that time, he had inhaled the contents of several balloons, which was good for the general status of sickbay, but not for his lungs.
Please clear my sickbay. Should there be a medical emergency, I would be unable to cope with it without fear of setting off a spontaneous wave of explosions that might cause a hull breach.
Speaking of breaches, why do I keep hearing about a possible warp core explosion?
-The Doctor
From: Tuvok, Lieutenant Commander
Time Sent: 0956 hours
Captain-
My security teams have reported in. According to all reports, Commander Chakotay is unaware of the impending celebration. He has been moving through his day as usual, although he does, in the words of Ensign Culhane, "seem jumpier then usual." What this means, I would not hazard a guess. However, the rest of the security team was in agreement with the statement, so I have included it on that merit.
Do you have any further instructions? Commander Chakotay is currently in your ready room, in conference with you, which allows me an opportunity to shift off the security personnel.
-Tuvok
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 1012 hours
Everyone-
We're fine, and the plans are still go for 1200 hours. We've run out of time for a final debriefing, so you need to get any last minute questions to me as soon as possible. Commander Chakotay is on bridge duty until then, so as long as we keep the more honest or nervous crew members away from him, we should be fine.
I don't have time for individual responses, so heads up:
-Doctor: Understood.
-Neelix: Get those balloons out of sickbay. We need them up as decorations, not filling an essential segment of the ship.
-Seven: Assist Neelix. Move those balloons as quickly as possible. Commander Chakotay will be on the bridge, so don't worry about stealth, just speed.
-Harry: Anyone who even LOOKS like they might crack, get them off the bridge. Make an excuse, say they look ill, I don't care. Get them off. Anyone who needs something to do, check out the balloon assignment I just handed out.
-Tuvok: As long as Commander Chakotay's on the bridge, with a senior crew member nearby, we can call off the security observation.
-B'Elanna: Hold on that warp core ejection.
We're too close to lose it now, people. Get on it.
-K. Janeway
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant
Time Sent: 1031 hours
Captain-
May I ask what he wanted to meet with you about? You were in with him a very long time, long enough to make a lot of people very nervous.
And, ma'am, I'm begging you. Please don't mention my engines any more. They're getting nervous.
-B. Torres
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 1048 hours
B'Elanna-
Ironically enough, the Commander wanted to discuss a lack of morale amongst the crew. According to him, everyone has been nervous and short-tempered recently, and several crew members have started avoiding him. He suggested a social function that would involve the whole crew, if you can believe it. I was hard pressed not to laugh coffee out of my nose.
As for your engines, why does everyone take me so seriously? Would I deliberately damage this ship to accomplish my goals?
-K. Janeway
From: Kim, Neelix, Paris, Seven, Torres, Tuvok, Senior Staff Members
Time Sent: 1104 hours
Captain-
In response to your last message to Lieutenant Torres, the senior staff has taken a vote.
The answer is a unanimous "yes."
-Senior Staff
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 1126 hours
Tuvok-
I expected better from you. All the other staff members, I could see. But you, Tuvok?
-K. Janeway
From: Tuvok, Lieutenant Commander
Time Sent: 1134 hours
Captain-
To be honest, it was I who suggested the vote.
In other news, I have checked with all other department heads. Crewmembers without any other responsibilities are already heading to the Cargo Bay. Refreshments, decorations, and presents are all in place. The younger members of the crew have been taught the "Happy Birthday" song. All is in readiness. The Commander remains on the bridge, but I am heading there to relieve him. Perhaps a ruse is in order.
-Tuvok
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 1145 hours
Chakotay-
Join me for some lunch? I have a report from B'Elanna about a possible problem with the warp core that needs our attention. However, since I am sick to death of listening to a certain first officer whine at me about my poor eating habits, I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone.
Interested?
-K. Janeway
From: Chakotay, Commander
Time Sent: 1151 hours
Kathryn-
I do not whine. Other then that, I have to agree with everything you've said. 1200 hours in the mess hall, then?
By the way, does this have anything to do with the possibility of having to eject the warp core? Everywhere I go today, I keep hearing that phrase, and I'd just like to say, Kathryn, I don't think B'Elanna's heart could take another repeat.
-Chakotay
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 1154 hours
Chakotay-
You do so whine. I've got to pick up something from my ready room, so I'll swing by the bridge and pick you up. After that, I have to make a quick stop down in one of the cargo bays, so I hope you don't mind a bit of a walk. Once I get the proper data into the correct hands, we'll be all set.
As for the warp core ejection rumor, we'll discuss it at lunch...
-Kathryn
From: Chakotay, Your Former First Officer
Time Sent: 1208 hours
Kathryn-
I will get you for this. If it's the last thing I ever do, I will get you for this. I'm not sure how, or when, but there will be some major payback for this lunacy.
-Chakotay
From: Kathryn, nanananana! I'm smarter than you...
Time Sent: 1221 hours
Chakotay-
All talk. That's what you are. I owed you, Chakotay. I owed you for seven years of skipping out of your own birthday parties. Remember the first year we were here? We made the mistake of planning it, like we would for a normal human being, and telling you about it. You crashed a shuttle. I still can't prove that it was on purpose, your track record isn't great, but I got suspicious the following year. Remember? That was the year you deleted any mention of yourself from the computer memory and hid in the Jeffries tubes on Deck twelve for SIX HOURS!
And it just got worse from there.
By the way, where are you that you're sending me messages? I know you're still in this room, somewhere. No one would be dumb enough to let you leave, there are armed guards at the door, and the tube access ports have all been sealed. I'll find you, sooner or later.
-Kathryn
From: Chakotay, who is hiding, thank you very much
Time Sent: 1237 hours
Kathryn-
If you think I'm going to tell you where I am, you are far more deluded then I ever thought. In any case, I'm staying here.
As to past years' festivities, I have no idea what you're talking about. What ever patterns you think there are, let me assure you, it's all a coincidence.
-Chakotay
From: Kathryn, Indian tracker in training
Time Sent: 1246 hours
Chakotay-
Coincidence? Please. What do you take me for?
And by all means, keep typing. We're triangulating on your position as I write this.
Besides, you haven't seen my present yet...
-Kathryn
From: Chakotay, Commander
Time Sent: 2041 hours
First, I would like to thank everyone for going through all this trouble. I don't deserve it, so please don't ever do it again.
Secondly, thank you all for your kind gifts. I have never realized that the replicators produced such a wide variety of unusual goods. However, I think many of the more unique items were picked up on various shore leaves. At least, I hope they were.
These comments go doubly for the senior staff. Thank you.
As for the Captain's gift, let us never speak of it again.
-Chakotay
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 2045 hours
To all-
Anyone have any ideas for next year?
-K. Janeway
End