James and the Giant
Peach:
Earthworm eating the peach: It's not dirt, but it tastes good.
Spider: Mmmmm. Better than ladybugs.
Ladybug: What?
Spider: Excuse me.
The Grasshopper: He's comitted pesticide!
.The Centipede: Why don't skeletons play music in church? Because they
got no organs. |
Up in Smoke:
Cop: Do you have any illegal substances in this vehicle?
Pedro: Not anymore, man. |
The Three Amigos
Steve Martin: I'll come back one day.
Carmen: Why? |
True Lies:
Gib: Kids - Ten seconds of joy; thirty years of misery. |
The Sure Thing:
Spontenaiety has its time and its place. |
He Said, She Said:
Father: Shut up, we're trying to decide your future! |
Die Hard:
Yippie-kiy-ay, Motherfucker! |
The Usual Suspects:
Verbil Kint: Keaton once said "I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid
of him." Well, I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser
Sose.
Old McManus had a farm, E, I, E, I, O. And on that farm he shot some
bad guys. Bada bing, bada bing, bang, boom.
Verbil Kint: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was conivincing
the world that he didn't exist. And like that [POOF] he's gone. |
Excess Baggage:
Q: Do you know what's the best way to make a dream come true?
A: Wake up! |
The
Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension:
Dr. Emilio Lizardo : Home is where your wear your hat.
Dr. Emilio Lizardo : Laugh while you can, monkey boy!
Buckaroo Banzai : No matter where you go, there you are.
General Catburd : Mr President. I'm a soldier, and a damn good one.
I've got enough decorations to snap a christmas tree. All I'm trying to
say is, and I hope I speak for everyone in this room, is that I'm scared.
Barely holding my fudge right now. |
Apocalypse Now:
Photographer : Did you know that "if" is the middle of the word "life"?
Kurtz : Are you an assassin?
Willard : I'm a soldier.
Kurtz : You're neither. You're an errand boy... sent by grocery clerks...
to collect the bill. |
Blazing Saddles:
Mongo : Mongo only pawn in game of life.
Lamarr : Be still, Taggart. My mind is aglow with whirling transient
nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
Taggart : Ditto.
Bart : I get no kick from Chapagne...Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me
at all...so tell me why should it be true...that I get a kick out of you.
Gabby Johnson : Hol'on. Consarnit, golly-darnit. I'll be a horn-swaggeled
bushwackin' side-windin' saddled horn...rivvid, ravvid, ravvid.
Olson Johnson : Now how can we argue with that. I think we are all
indebted to Gabby Johnson here for clearly stating what had to be said.
And I'm glad the children were here today to hear that speech. Not only
was it authentic frontier gibberish...but it expressed a courage that is
little seen in this day and age. |
Casablanca:
Rick Blaine: If you don't get in that plane you'll regret it. Maybe not
today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
Rick Blaine: Here's looking at you, kid. |
Conan:
Thulsa Doom: I wish to speak to you now. Where is the Eye of the Serpent?
Rexor said that you gave it to a girl; probably for a mere night's pleasure.
Such a loss. People have no grasp of what they do.
Thulsa Doom: Contemplate it - on the tree of woe.
Mongol General: We have won again. That is good! But what is best in
life?
Mongol Warrior: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcon on your wrist,
wind in your hair!
Mongol General: Wrong! Conan, what is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to
hear the lamentations of their women!
Mongol General: That is good. |
A Clockwork Orange:
Alex : There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie
and Dim, and we sat in the Karonva Milk Bar trying to make up our rossoodocks
what to do with the evening. The Karova Milk Bar sold milk-plus, milk plus
vellocet or synthemesd or drencrom which is what we where drinking. This
would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence.
It had been a wonderful evening and what I needed now, to give it the
perfect ending, was a little of the Ludwig Von.
Alex : The Durango-95 purred away real horrorshow. A nice warm vibraty
feeling all through your guttiworks. Soon it was trees and dark, my brothers,
with real country dark.
Alex : We were all feeling a bit shagged and fagged and fashed, it having
been an evening of some small energy expenditure O my brothers, so we got
rid of the auto and stopped off at the Korova for a nightcap.
Alex : Oh, bliss...bliss and heaven. Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeosity
made flesh. It was like a bird of rarest spun heaven metal, or like silvery
wind flowing in a space-ship, gravity all nonsense now. As I slooshied
knew such lovely pictures. |
Clueless:
Cher: That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.
Cher: Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news,
there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment
value!
Heather: It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self be true."
Cher: Hamlet didn't say that.
Heather: I think I remember Hamlet accurately.
Cher: Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that.
That Polonius guy did.
Cher: Christian said he'd call tomorrow, but in boy time that meant
Thursday.
Cher: Dionne and her boyfriend Murray are in this dramatic relationship.
I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie too many times.
Travis Birkenstock: I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something
you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness.
I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school,
the LA city bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid and last but
not least, the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours making those
egg McMuffins without which I'd never be tardy.
Cher: Would you say I'm selfish?
Dionne: No, not to your face.
Mel: So, what did you do in school today?
Cher: Well, I broke in my purple clogs.
Cher: Are you talking about drugs?
Tai: Yeah.
Cher: Tai, how old are you?
Tai: I'll be 16 in May.
Cher: My birthday is in April and as someone older, can I please give
you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at
parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.
Tai: Cher, I don't want to do this anymore. And my buns feel nothin'
like steel.
Cher: I want to do something for humanity.
Josh: How about sterilization?
Murray: My street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression.
Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in misogynistic
undertones.
Mel: What the hell is that?
Cher: A dress.
Mel: Says who?
Cher: Calvin Klein.
Dionne: Cher, did you write that?
Cher: Duh! It's like a totally famous quote!
Dionne: From where?
Cher: Cliff's Notes.
Cher: So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America.
But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?" Well
it's like when I had this garden party for my father's birthday. I put
R.S.V.P. cause it was a sitdown dinner. But some people came that like
did not R.S.V.P. I was totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen,
redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end
of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government
could just get to the kitchen and rearrange some things we could certainly
party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does
not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty! Thank you very much.
Cher: Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensembly challenged"?
Cher: Dionne and I were both named after famous singers of the past,
who now do infomercials.
Cher: Searching for a boy in high school is like searching for meaning
in a Pauly Shore movie.
Josh: You want to practice parking?
Cher: What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet.
Cher: Daddy's a litigator. That's the scariest type of lawyer. Even
Lucy our maid is terrified of him. And daddy's so good he gets $500 to
argue with people. But he argues with me for free because I'm his daughter.
Tai: Cher, you're a virgin?
Cher: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Dion: Besides, the PC term is 'Hymenally Challenged'.
Mel: You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?
Cher: Totally based on my powers of persuasion. You proud?
Mel: Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.
Dionne: Hello? There was a stop sign back there.
Cher: I totally paused.
Cher: Thank you Josh, I so need lessons from you on how to be cool.
Tell me that part about Kenny G again.
Cher: [About keeping her virginity.] You see how picky I am about my
shoes and they only go on my feet.
Josh: You know, if I ever saw you do something that wasn't ninety percent
selfish, I'd die of shock.
Cher: Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.
Cher: It's like that book I read in the 9th grade that said "'tis a
far far better thing doing stuff for other people." |
Monty Python and the Holy
Grail:
Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2: NI!
Other Knights: Shh...
Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say... "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG!
Zoom-Boing! Z'nourrwringmm!"
Tim: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance
to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet
has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about
its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength,
come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
Arthur: What an eccentric performance.
Brother Maynard: Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of
Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine
enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did
feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans
and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the
counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou
not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth
to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of
the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the
direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." |
The Life of Brian:
Jailer: Crucifiction?
Prisoner: Yes.
Jailer: First on the left, one cross each. [Prisoner exits.]
Crucifiction?
Prisoner 2: No, I'm to be released!
Jailer: Oh. Well, off you go then!
Prisoner 2: No, I was just kidding. I'm up for crucifiction actually.
Jailer: OK, first on the left, one cross each.
Brian's Mother: He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!
Brian: I'm not the Messiah. Now fuck off!
Disciple: How shall we fuck off, oh Lord?
Brian: There's no pleasing some people.
Beggar: That's what Jesus said.
Brian: You are all individuals!
The Crowd: We are all individuals!
Brian: You have to be different!
The Crowd: Yes, we are all different!
Small lonely voice: I'm not different! |
The Addams Family:
Pugsly: Is she dead yet?
Wednesday: Does it matter?
Woman:[On Hallowe'en] And who are you supposed to be, dear?
Wednesday: I'm a homicidal maniac. They look like everyone else.
Morticia Addams: Don't torture yourself, Gomez. That's my job.
Girl Scout: [Approaching lemonade stand; it goes something like this]
Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?
Wednesday: Would you like to buy some lemonade?
Girl Scout: Are they made with real lemons?
Wednesday: Are those made with real girl scouts?
Wednesday: Pass the salt.
Morticia: And what do we say?
Wednesday: NOW.
Morticia: Wednesday, play with your food! |
Addams Family
Values:
Debbie: What a lady killer!
Gomez: Aquitted.
Amanda:[They're going swimming.] I'll be the victim.
Wednesday: All your life.
Wednesday: I'm not perky.
Amanda: Well, that's for damn sure.
Debbie: These Addams men, where do you find them?
Morticia: It has to be damp.
Pugsley: We don't hug.
Gary: Oh, you're just shy.
Wednesday: We're not shy, we're contagious.
Amanda Buckman: Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Wednesday: ...Wait.
Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
Gomez to Fester: You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone
who won't press charges. |
Shakes the Clown (1991):
1st Party Dad: Are you the clown?
Shakes the Clown: No, I'm Mary fuckin' Poppins.
Shakes: Hey, hey, kid, what are you doing?
Kid: I had to go to the bathroom.
Shakes: On my head?
Kid: Hey this is my bathroom not your bedroom you big drunken mess.
Dink: I asked her what time it was, she told me it was 7:30.
Stenchy: Oh, that's the cornerstone of a lasting relationship, what
time it is?
Dink: Yes, yes. Because, first I asked her what time it is, right?
Tomorrow I get to ask her the date, the day after that she's all over me.
That's how it works, you play it slow. |
Strange Days:
Max: The issue is not whether you are paranoid. Look around you,
Lenny, the issue is whether you are paranoid enough. |
Jackie Brown
Ordell: You know if you smoke enough of that shit
it'll rob you of your ambition.
Melanie: Not if your ambition is to get high
and watch TV. |
Existenz
(Inside the video game)
Pikel: I don't like it here. I don't know what's
going on; we're both stumbling around together in this unformed world whose
rules and objectives are largely unknown, seemingly indecipherable, or
possibly non-existent, always on the verge of being killed by forces we
don't understand.
Allegra: That sounds like my game, alright.
Pikel: It sounds like a game that's not going
to be easy to market.
Allegra: But it's a game everybody's already
playing. |
Nightwatch
Most people when they see something like this, their
immediate reaction is to ask, "How could somebody do this? And why?" You
know when we catch the killer, they wanna know the how and why. In movies
or television the killer always explains the how or why. He always has
some reason, however crazy, and a mad gleam in his eye. But I've interrogated
murderers like this before; and let me tell you, they are well beyond the
need to justify what they do. They just do it. Explanations are just a
fiction -- to make us feel safe. Because if it can't be explained, life's
just meaningless chaos; it could touch any one of us at any moment. Which
is exactly what it is.
Have you ever spent any time with the Zine family?
Thorazine, Stellazine, Compazine. They will make you sing hymns while you
watch a baby fall under a train.
Have you ever been killed before? |
Fight Club
Narrator: This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
Tyler Durden: How much can you know about yourself if you've never been
in a fight?
Tyler Durden: Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War.
Our war is a spiritual war. Our depression is our lives.
Tyler Durden: We are a generation of men raised by women. I'm beginning
to wonder if another woman is what we really need.
Narrator: Marla was like that cut on the roof of your mouth that would
go away if you'd stop tonguing it, but you can't.
Tyler Durden: You are not your job. You are not the money in your bank
account. You are not the car you drive. You are not how much money is in
your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. You are the all-singing,
all-dancing crap of the world.
Narrator: With insomnia, you're never really asleep; you're never really
awake.
Tyler Durden: We were raised on television to believe that we'd all
be millionares, movie gods, rock stars, but we won't. And we're starting
to figure that out.
Tyler Durden: You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique
snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.
Narrator: With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.
Narrator: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone
drops to zero.
Tyler Durden: First rule of Fight Club, you do not talk about Fight
Club. Second rule of Fight Club, you DO NOT talk about Fight Club. Third
rule of Fight Club, when someone says "stop" or goes limp, the fight is
over. Fourth rule of Fight Club, only two guys to a fight. Fifth rule of
Fight Club, one fight at a time. Sixth rule of Fight Club, no shirt, no
shoes. Seventh rule of Fight Club, fights go on as long as they have to.
Eighth and final rule of Fight Club, if this is your first night at Fight
Club, you have to fight.
Narrator: When people think you're dying, they listen--
Marla Singer: --instead of waiting for their turn to speak.
Tyler Durden: It's only after you've lost everything that you're free
to do anything.
Tyler Durden: The things you own end up owning you.
Narrator: A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at
60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with
everyone trapped inside. Now: should we initiate a recall? Take the number
of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure,
B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times
C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one.
Business woman on plane: Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?
Narrator: You wouldn't believe.
Business woman on plane: Which car company do you work for?
Narrator: A major one.
Tyler Durden: How's that working out for you?
Narrator: What?
Tyler Durden: Being clever.
Narrator: Great.
Tyler Durden: Keep it up, then.
Tyler Durden: Our fathers were our models for God. If they bailed, what
does that tell you about God? You have to be prepared for the possibility
that God does not like you.
Tyler Durden: Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
[Holding up a wad of cash]
Marla Singer: You're not getting this back. I consider it asshole tax.
Tyler Durden: We're designed to be hunters and we're in a society of
shopping. There's nothing to kill anymore, there's nothing to fight, nothing
to overcome, nothing to explore. In that social emasculation this everyman
is created.
[meeting aboard an airliner]
Narrator: What do you do for a living?
Tyler Durden: Why? So you can pretend like you're interested?
Tyler Durden: Did you know that by mixing equal parts of gasoline and
frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?
Narrator: Really?
Tyler Durden: One could make all sorts of explosives using common household
items...
Narrator: Uh-huh...
Tyler Durden: ...if one were so inclined.
Narrator: After fighting, everything else in your life has got the volume
turned down.
Tyler Durden: Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.
Tyler Durden: Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs
we hate, so we can buy shit we don't need.
Narrator: Losing all hope is freedom.
Tyler Durden: You just had a near-life experience.
Marla Singer: You know, I bought this dress at a thrift shop for a dollar.
Narrator: Worth every penny. |
Television
|
Charmed
Are your parents terrorists? Because baby, you're the bomb. |
Coach
Kelly: You never understand anything I say!
Coach: What the hell do you mean by that?
Coach: Why do acting students always have to be so dramatic? |
The Drew Carey
Show
She dumped ya, didn't she?
Drew: It was mutual. We both hated me; she was the only one with enough
guts to leave. |
Eerie, Indiana:
The answers to your questions are simpler than you think and stranger than
you ever imagined. |
The Family Guy
Did you get a new buttocks?
Family Guy: Yeah, my old one had a crack in it. |
The Larry Sanders Show
There should be a law against network executives using the word
"creative" in their job titles. They see the word...and they start
believing it.
(-Rip Torn)
|
Late Night with
Conan OBrien
In The Year 2000: A sex-starved Monica Lewinsky is seen licking rocks at
the base of Mt. Rushmore.
In the Year 2000: The world is stunned as former wrestler and now Governor
of Minnesota Jesse "The Body" Ventura makes a shocking announcement: America
is Fake.
"Bill Clinton": If they're gonna impeach me, they might as well impeach
love.
"Anna Kournikova": I have to make use of what I have while it lasts.
I'm Eastern European; I only have short window of sexiness before the babushka
bomb goes off.
"John Rocker": Everybody keeps bitching about my lack of tolerance,
but I don't see anyone tolerating my racism.
Steven Wright: I'm in a weird mood. Things haven't been the same since
my birth.
Steven Wright: The New Testament is actually pretty old. I think they
should call them the Old Testament and the Most-Recent Testament.
Joel the Announcer: The news is my hooker and the truth is her pimp.
Evidently George W. Bush has a different idea; he offered to meet Gore
in hell. |
Little Rascals
Spanky: But what about your promise to the He-man Woman-haters Club?
Alfalfa: I'm sorry, Spanky; I have to live my own life. |
Mad T.V.
Life is just a gift we're given every day; that's why it's called the "present."
Resentment is the darkroom where we develop our negatives.
Anxiety is just interest paid on trouble before it's due.
God put a patch of crazy where your goo-goo would be.
|
Married With
Children
Jefferson: They're not crow's feet; they're laugh lines.
Marcy: Honey, nothing's THAT funny.
Stewardess: I'm looking for a serious commitment - someone who'll stay
the night. |
News Radio
Johnny: If the fires of hell burn as fiercely as your lips, let the flames
consume me. |
Oprah
People buy things to make themselves feel more valuable. |
Politically
Incorrect
Ron Silver: Because I'm somewhat hypocritical......I'm able to hold two
contradictory thoughts in my head at the same time. I have some issues
I haven't resolved yet. I don't like it, it makes me mad; but I can't
help it; it's who I am. |
She Spies
DD: The United States government does not negotiate with goobers.
DD: That house has "secret hideout" written all over it.
|
Sienfeld
Serenity now, sanity later |
Simpsons
( I may make a separate "Homerisms" page later)
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if
you had an electrified fooling machine.
Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important
to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get
you through life.
Number one, 'cover for me.'
Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'
If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet,
they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're
making a scene.'
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping
its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! think it
was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time.
Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good
night.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy
who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty.'Dear Baby,
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those
Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did
you?
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
If we had $10,000 we'd be millionaires. We could buy all kinds of neat
stuff, like love.
Its a crock, no matter how good you are there is someone better."
Bart: Can't win, don't try
If something's hard to do then it's not worth doing.
If stuff starts flying, just turn your head!
Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson
is: never try.
I used to believe in things too when I was a kid.
Stupid risks are what make life worth living.
Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.
Homer:Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura
Moe: Eura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a
flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!
Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding
as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in everyday
and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way.
Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with
fake IDs.
To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!
Rock stars: is there anything they don't know?
|
Spawn
The war between heaven and hell depends on the choices we make, and those
choices require sacrifice. That's the test. Put her in the past.
It's the only way you can be free. |
The Jerry Springer
Show
A guy who sees a woman only for her breasts is really the biggest boob
of all. |
Tennessee Tuxedo
Chumley: Duuh, golly gee, Tennessee.
Tennessee: Don't worry, Chumley; Tennessee Tuxedo will not fail! |
That 70s Show
Hey man, where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson,
grasshopper.
Jackie: Hey let's do that thing where we sit around in a circle.
Hey, guess what part of my body I nicknamed "Pink Floyd"? |
Titus
Hell, I didn't need A.A. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program.
But that's not what got me to quit drinking; it was my friends trying to
stomp me out. |
The Tonight
Show with Jay Leno
Jay: What country did the Pilgrims come from?
Jaywalker: Turkey?
After a racial incident in which some white cops shot an unarmed black
man, the New York City Police Department is trying to hire more minorities,
but I'm not sure their new slogan is going to help. Thier new slogan is
"If we can't beat you, join us." |
