"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million
keyboards could produce the Complete Works of
Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
-Robert Wilensky, University of California
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Some of the best Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. See more here and here.
You've probably seen the following E-mail or part of it but I can't resist:
You can find collections of those funny E-mails that have been passed around, collected here, here and here.
Download my huge file of all the funny emails
I collected over several years.
(I'll have to add it later when I have more server space.)
Check out the amazing, extended list of maybe
1000 answers to "Why
did the chicken cross the road?" at James
Also check out The Devil's Dictionary.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
If you love something, forget it, because it's not even gonna like you. -Tom Minkler
(Or you could substitute another F word for "forget.")
Gonnorhea ain't nothing to clap about.
You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
We could go to The Museum of Tolerance...but I hate that place. -Tom Minkler
A clean one:
Q:Why did the stop light turn red?
A: You'd turn red too if you had to change in the middle of an intersection.
Contributed by my Grandmother:
Q: Who were the first people to get insurance?
A: Adam and Eve - they felt they needed a little more coverage.
How do the "don't walk on the grass" signs get there?
Remember, nothing is so bad that it can't get worse.
You can't be late until you show up.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
In the beginning, there was nothing. And then
2 + 2 = 3.4 (net, after accounting fees)
So long, Diane...
Diane and I made this list of possible cat names
Aphorisms Redux (New 10/03)
My Wedding E-mail Newsletter suggestions
Fake Names For Testing Forms and Data Entry
Record Store Name Suggestions (They gave
me a $75 credit for my efforts.
The point wasn't to be funny, I just put the link on this page because it's where all the other lists are.)
Top Wacky Song Titles
Top 13 "Men Working" signs:
13. Men Not Working
12. Men Wearing Goofy Fluorescent Hats And Scratching Their Balls
11. Women Not Allowed
10. Men Playing In Traffic
9. Men Sitting Around Eating Sandwiches
8. Men Making Crude Remarks About Chicks
7. Men Gawking And Drooling
6. Men Scratching Their Heads Trying To Figure Out What To Do
5. Men Trying To Stretch One Job Out To Last a Whole Year
4. Lazy Fuckers Not Doing A Damn Thing
3. Your Tax Dollars Not At Work
2. Men Masturbating
1. How Am I Working? Call 1-800-DEAD BEAT
My responses to some of those one-sided E-mails
(I'm afraid I might have lost these):
100 reasons it's great to be a guy/girl
My entries in the Lewinsky/Kaczynski Limerick
challenge. I lost these, goddamn it.
Arab TV Guide
Desiderata and Deteriorata (First one "real," second one a classic from National Lampoon)
Rams 1999 NFL Schedule (they got a little bit better since this...)
In memory of Ron and Nicole
The Dilbert Zone
Sam Watterson, who created Calvin and Hobbes, is an absolute genius.
Check out the amazing collections of quotes
compiled by Jon Winokur in his books:
The Portable Curmudgeon
Zen To Go
Life in the Slaw Lane by Kip Adotta
101 Things Not to Say During Sex
Kissing Hank's Ass: A Christian Parallel (added 2/28/01)
of Humor Sites
Humor Archive and here (some other links here are from these)
South Park at Comedy Central
The Thoughts of Steven Wright or here
Please send more jokes; if you can make them up yourself, so much the better. Who actually makes these so-called "jokes" up in the first place anyway?
Say goodnight, Dick.
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