Don't You Hate It When...

I hate that on my dashboard too, in the speedometer well.  Except there's no night guy.  I hate my car and it's raggedy-ass motor and busted radio.  I hate its putrid-smelling, ripped interior.  I hate its holes in the floorboard on the passenger side.  I hate its unevenly-worn, leaky tires.  I hate not being able to take a date out in it due to the inordinately high risk of death.  I hate having to ask the girl to sit in the back while you chauffeur her around.  I hate asking girls out when they have to drive.  I hate your fucking grandparents for buying it for you when you really wanted a classic T-bird; that one you would have taken care of.  I hate driving.  I hate walking and riding the bus.  I hate the airport.  I hate crowds.  I hate being alone.  I hate you.  I hate myself.  I hate people who have confidence in themselves and know what they're doing.  I hate people who whine and complain.  I hate quiet shy people because they're so wimpy and miserable and they have only themselves to blame for not sticking up for themselves.  I hate loud obnoxious people because they don't think and it's their fault that so many people are miserable.  I hate rich fuckers who are mean.  I hate rich fuckers who are nice and happy because that shoots big gaping holes through the reassuring wannabe theory that money can't buy happiness.  I hate people who hate people more than me.  I hate people who hate people less than me because they just don’t get it.  I hate couples.  I hate being single.  I hate clingy people who won't leave you alone.  I hate friendly people who try to help; why don't they just mind their own business.  I hate curmudgeons they just think they're so damn cool.  I just hate humanity in general and all its wretched refuse yearning to be free but puking on their shoes instead, and leaving it for someone else to clean up.  And I hate the handicapped, since because of them the rest of us have to park farther away from everything. 

I hate Asbury. I hate people who don't get puns.  I hate Asbury Park.  I hate The Boss.  I hate the employees.  I hate more about music later.  I hate chirping birds and purring cats and smelly, dead skunks.  I hate the sky, the sea and the land.  I hate the Indians and the fact that we murdered them.  I hate people who blame you for it even though you weren't even born yet.  I hate foreigners.  I hate people who have lived here for generations and think they're not foreigners anymore.  I hate nature for being so beautiful.  I hate God.  I hate Jesus.  I hate them having power over me.  I hate when they don’t help me get everything I want.  I hate them for making me work for it.  I hate them for making me hate them.  I hate Jews for Jesus because you can't be both, stupid. I hate when people take things too seriously; lighten the hell up.  I hate when people don't understand that God understands. I hate that God made the universe but somehow everything bad is our fault.  I hate being blamed when I don't deserve it.  I hate being forgiven when I don't deserve it.  I hate when people think God is more like people than God. I hate when people think God is male, because where the hell is his penis?  I hate when people make God in their own graven image.  I hate when God makes us guess and then blames us for being wrong.  I hate the Bible because what the hell does it all mean?  I hate death.  I hate life because it always ends in death. 

I hate guilt and fear. I hate longing and pain and shit.  I hate being hurt and then wanting to hurt.  I hate my parents.  I hate feeling like a kid again every time I'm around them.  I hate being spanked. Well I like it but that's why I hate it. Did I mention that I hate when people take things too seriously? I hate when your dad spanks your brothers and sisters until they're screaming and screaming and your mom just stands there and you can’t do a damn thing about it and you feel helpless and useless.  I hate feeling that way for the rest of your life.  I hate when your mom feels that way too.  But I hate being loved so much that I can't hate anyone. I hate that nobody's perfect but thank God because wouldn't you hate them lording it over you?  I hate buttons. I hate roads. I hate slow people in the fast lane. I hate fast people in the slow lane. I hate people in the middle lane because how boring. I hate the road less traveled because where the fuck is everybody? I hate the road more traveled because why won't this plodding mob of blockheads get the hell out of your way; don't they know you have somewhere to go?  I hate being different because then you're lonely. But I hate being the same because baaaaaaaa, baaaaaaaaaa.  I hate cards and gifts.  I hate food.  I hate gas and lodging.  I hate billboards.  I hate street lights.  I hate when it's dark and you can't see where you're going.  I hate lines and parking meters and stoplights and shoulders and call boxes and cops.  I really hate fucking cops, damn it.  I hate when you see someone else run a red light and where are the damn cops?  I hate getting robbed and shot and they can't catch the guy who did it.  I hate vagrants and homeless people.  I hate panhandlers.  I hate saying "I'm sorry" when they ask me for money, when I have nothing to be sorry for you worthless fuck. 

I hate love.  I hate love because it keeps you from hating for just a little while.  I hate being afraid of girls.  I hate not being able to have sex with every girl you want to.  I hate that power they have over you.  I hate fear.  I really fucking hate fear.  I hate having so much of it.  I hate the fact that if we have nothing to fear but fear itself, I should be scared to death.  I hate happy loving couples.  I hate bachelor parties.  I hate fat sloppy disgusting whores.  I hate cute whores too.  I hate fake tits.  I hate chicks with dicks.  I hate chicks without dicks.  I hate guys.  I hate macho, testosterone-laden assholes.  I hate fights.  I hate getting your nose broken just because some drunk bastard thinks you slept with his ex-girlfriend just because you're in bed with her and you have a pair of his big old shorts on, except he doesn't know she broke up with him, because evidently she only told  you so far.  And you didn’t do anything.  I hate breaking and entering.  I hate bleeding.  I hate bleeding hearts.  I hate caring about other people, because it only leads to heartbreak and psoriasis.  I hate bullies.  I hate kids who steal your lunch and give you flats.  I hate being too afraid to do anything about it, even though you had a million chances.  I hate peeing in your pants because you’re too afraid to ask the teacher if you can go to the bathroom.  I hate doing it again 2 years later when you’re 13 years old.  I hate shitting your pants in first grade and Lisa Kalinowsky knows you did it but you deny it and then she tells the teacher and Mrs. Bachman asks you if you went number two in your pants and you still deny it even though it stinks like hell and it's getting all gushy from sitting on it and she obviously doesn't believe you and finally she makes you go to the office all by yourself and they call your mom and she walks all the way from home to bring some washcloths and a change of underwear in a plastic bag so you can clean yourself up and change, and she carries the mess home and your younger brother is walking home from kindergarten and he asks what's in the bag.  I hate that. 

I hate crappy segues.  I really, really hate having Terri Dunmyre, the most beautiful wonderful girl you'll ever meet, in your class from 4th through 9th grade and never, ever really having the courage to say hi to her even though she said hi to you quite a few times. I hate looking away the last time you saw her, when you passed by in the ninth grade hall by the lockers with no one else around. What the hell is wrong with you? I hate being afraid to seem afraid, especially when you are. I hate not being able to forgive yourself for the rest of your life. I hate not being able to go back and fix it. I hate the fact that she's gone forever and you'll never find anyone like her again.  I hate the fact that anyone who knows you’re still looking for her gives you that condescending speech about quit loving in the past and grow the hell up.  I hate those people, even if they're my therapist. I hate the fact that in 6th grade some kid told you the stunningly beautiful Kyle Krien wants to know if you would go with her and you said no because you didn't know what the hell to do. I hate that you’re still acting like that years later and you can't get over it.  I hate that years before that, your so-called friend Greg Sunder teased you so much about liking Connie Biggs and Beth Gallagher that you denied it and then they hated you.  Because I really liked Connie, and Beth too.  If anyone reads this and knows them and doesn't tell me where they are I hate you. 

I hate masturbation because it's demeaning and it makes you feel cheap.  I hate being embarrassed to rent porno flicks, even though you don't rent the raunchy, disgusting ones, just the "tease" videos.  I hate the fact that even though everyone knows all guys masturbate all the time and there are lots of other guys renting sex videos at the same time, you still feel cheap and dirty.  I hate loving masturbation so much that you would rather do that than live.  I hate when you’re renting "Chained Heat," "Anal Intruders Part 6," "Rape Me, Daddy," and "Terms of Endearment" on top just to make it look good and there's a girl at the counter.  I hate masturbation because it makes it that much harder to talk to a real girl.  I hate trying to get laid because it's so fake.  I hate trying to "just be myself" when I don't know who the fuck I am.  I hate not being able to be all things to all people.  I hate real sex because it's so smelly and awkward and scary.  I hate not knowing what you're supposed to do and they just lay there, waiting.  I hate that just when you've decided they don't like you they jump on you and want you to fuck them but how are you supposed to make the mental shift that fast?  I hate kissing a girl for the first time when you have the occasional cold sore in your mouth 'cause you have to tell the girl before you kiss her in case she doesn't have Herpes Simplex I like 60% of the population and she'll think you're disgusting.  I hate when a moment you can never recapture is ruined and it's gone forever.  I hate when it’s not your fault because you were born with it.  I hate premature ejaculation.  I hate no ejaculation.  I hate when you can’t get it up because you’re scared and they don’t understand and it just makes it that much more difficult next time.  I hate that they’re probably going to tell their friends about it and everyone will know.  I hate having to apologize.  I hate lame excuses.  I hate having sex and trying to pretend you've done it before. I hate not telling the first one you're a virgin because she might laugh, but then she just thinks you suck at it. I hate coming all over yourself with your clothes on because how stupid is that and how do you explain why you had go the bathroom and why you're done and how do you hide the wet spot? I hate being so nervous that you have massive gas pains so you either have to make a lot of embarrassing noise in the bathroom or excuse yourself and go home but how do you explain that? I hate when they don't let you go down on them, because how else are you supposed to make them feel that good? I hate buying condoms.  I hate buying condoms and cold sore gel at the same time while the counter guy tries not to snicker.  I hate having a condom in your wallet and it’s seven years old.  I hate finally making love and remembering how wonderful it is and wishing you'd been trying harder all this time 

I hate buying Preparation H at the grocery store; at least if you're buying toilet paper and prunes in one visit you have an excuse.  I hate wiping your ass 50 times in one sitting because you ate spinach and baked beans yesterday; doesn't your digestive system know what it's doing?  I hate stopping up the toilet in someone else's house.  I hate chopping your shit up with a pencil so that won't happen.  I hate wetting the bed at someone else's house especially when you're sleeping over with all your little brother's friends.  I hate trying to hide it because how will you explain having to go home but can't they smell the stench?  I hate wet farts when you don't expect them.  I hate wet farts more when you know they’re coming and you can’t stop them.  I hate buying tampons for someone because of the inevitable price check.  I hate clerks and scanners and plastic and paper and bananas with bruises on them.  I hate bag boys and security guards and people selling incense in the parking lot.  I hate putting a rubber on when you've never done it before.  I hate not being circumcised in a circumcised world, especially in 6th grade gym class when you're already small and skinny, it just makes it worse.  I hate being afraid to let a girl see your dick because of it.  I hate mean gym teachers who are also stupid and teach introductory history or shop class and make you climb ropes while they watch your little ass wiggle.  I hate being picked next to last and being glad you weren't the last kid.  And then laughing at him like everyone else. I hate finally getting good at sports but not trying out because you were too afraid to tell the band director you wanted to do both. 

I hate hypocrisy and stupidity and ignorance and rudeness and selfishness and fear and loathing and Las Vegas and not knowing what you want to do in life.  I hate going to Las Vegas because you might as well stay home and send them a check, at least then you could get some yard work done.  I hate trailer park white supremacist fucking TRASH; they give white people a bad name and that's the last thing we need.  I hate that Elvis Presley was so fucking awesome but he hated himself so much that he died while eating a banana sandwich and taking a shit.  I hate when songs that suck win awards.  I hate when everything that's popular is mundane and shitty and everyone thinks it's great.  I hate that people keep buying records by Tom Petty, Glen Frey and Don Henley even during those slow periods when they make albums that completely suck.  I hate nepotism.  I hate when your dad doesn’t work in music so he can’t get you a job there.  I hate hearing the same fucking song on the radio every hour for 3 years and knowing that they probably wouldn't be playing it if no one was requesting it over and over again every day when they come home from school; why don't they just buy the fucking CD and move on?  I hate when they won't let someone else have a turn.  I hate when people who can sing OK but can't write their own songs get rich and famous when there are thousands of people who can do both that no-one pays attention to.  I hate not being able to sing that well.  I hate when worthless groups like New Kids On the Block are put together by others while there are plenty of better groups already struggling to make it on their own.  I hate when they become famous and have money then they can write songs and they pretend they're just a good as someone who did it all along, without money or fame or time or equipment or thousands of screaming groupies who want to fuck them and tell them they're great even they don't know what they're like and who wouldn't give them a second look if they were some banquet waiter or....research analyst.  I hate it when relatives and friends of record executives who don't really care what business they go into get jobs at music companies when there are thousands and thousands of smart, hard-working talented people out there who music is their life, their soul and who would die for any job even remotely related to music and they're rotting to death in some job they hate.  I hate when record executives are too ignorant to hear the song for the lack of production.  I hate record executives and movie studio heads and sitcom producers and people who can't do it themselves so they have to try and control everyone who can and put their own stupid ideas in; if they're so smart why don't they do it themselves to begin with?  I hate that I'm too shy to go out and do it myself, so I don't have any right to complain. 

But I love writing about hate.