Aphorisms Redux

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A barking dog never takes a shit.

A bird in the hand is worth strangling.

A chain is only as strong as whatever it's made of.

A dog is man's best food.

A fool and his money soon belong to a non-fool.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of stupid jello.

A friend in need is soon to be sick of you.

A good beginning makes it all downhill from there.

A jack of all trades can't get a job.

A job worth doing is worth doing well, if they pay good.

A little learning is a dangerous thing; more is worse.

A man is known by the company he works for.

A man with one clock knows what time it is. A man with two clocks is redundant.

A man's home is his wife's castle.

A miss is as good as a Mrs.

A new broom sweeps clean, once.

A nod is as good as a wink to a blind spasmatic.

A penny saved is useless.

A place for everything and everything at my place.

A rising tide washes away sandcastles.

A rolling stone gathers no moss, until gravity stops it.

A rose by any other name would be some other plant.

A soft answer might turneth away someone who gives a shit what you think.

A soft answer won't turn away a hard-ass.

A stitch in time saves twine.

A thing of beauty is a joy until it gets old and wrinkly.

A watched pot boils for a second, until you turn the heat down.

A woman's place is in the bed.

A woman's work is never done, because she's lazy.

A word to the wise is useless, because they think they know everything.

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Actions speak louder than silent films.

All for one and one for all, but two for me.

All that glitters is not yours.

All that's bitter does get old.

All the world's a stage, where everyone dies at the end.

All things come to he who carries a huge magnet.

All we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history, except that one thing we learned.

All work and no play makes Jack rich.

All's fair in love, war and religion.

All's well that ends.

Always cut the cheese.

An apple a day keeps the dentist busy.

An army marches on its stomach, if you cut off its legs.

An ounce of prevention is worth about $100 on the street.

Any port in a storm, unless you can't afford the docking fees.

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, unless you don't do anything.

Appearances can be faked.

April showers bring May flowers, then the June gloom leads to the July flies, and August is just pure hell!

As you sew, so shall your clothes look.

Ask a silly question and you'll get an F for class partipation.

Ask and it shall be given, especially if you have a gun.

Ask and you shall receive, if the person wants to give it to you, or if you bug them so much they get sick of you and give it to you anyway.

Ask no questions and hear no excuses.

Bad news travels fast, especially if they are paying good money for it.

Be careful you don't go from the frying pan into the fire; yeah that's so much worse.

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home, thank God.

Be not penny wise and pound stupid.

Beauty is in the eye of the horny bastard at the bar.

Beauty is only skin deep, because our internal organs are gross.

Before you judge a man, you should walk a mile in his shoes; but change the socks.

Beggars can be boozers.

Behind every successful man is a woman kicking his ass.

Better never than late.

Better safe than out.

Better never to have loved, than to have loved and lost.

Better to light a candle than a big pile of plastic explosives.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Beware of Greeks wearing lifts.

Birds of a feather flock together in brutal tree gangs.

Blood is thicker than water, but not as thick as cold, hard steel.

Boys will be boys, unless they get a sex change.

Brevity is the soul of wit, but its heart is foul language and sexual content.

Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door to try and steal your idea.

Pleasure before, during and after business.

Candy is dandy but liquor can really fuck you up.

Carpe diem...seize the day, grab it by the throat and choke it until it tells you everything it knows.

Cast your bread upon the water, it will get soggy and sink.

Chickens will come home to roost, which makes it easier to slaughter them wholesale.

Children should not be seen or heard, especially by Michael Jackson.

Cleanliness is next to godliness, so why doesn't God clean up?

Cold hands, warm heart, cold feet, warm bowels.

Common sense is not so common, as is obvious by the stupidity of this proverb.

Cream always rises to the top, then it turns into cottage cheese.

Crime doesn't pay, unless you get away with it.

Discretion is the better part of fear.

Do as I say, or I'll hit you.

Do unto others as you would have them do to themselves.

Don't bite off more than you can pay for.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you, especially if it's your hand.

Don't burn the candle at both ends, because the wax will drip everywhere. And what would you put it in?

Don't burn your bridges in front of you or while you're on them. Behind you is OK, because who wants to go back there again?  If you liked it so much, just stay there; why cross all these stupid bridges?

Don't change direction in midstream.

Don't close the barn door after the horse takes a dump.

Don't count your chickens before they get butchered.

Don't cry over spilt milk, just clean it up, you stupid slob.

Don't cut off your nose to eat your bugars.

Don't fire until you see the badge.

Don't foul your own nest; do it in the neighbor's.

Don't give up the ship, sell it on E-bay.

Don't hide your light under a bushel, because it might catch on fire, and then where would you hide your light?

Don't judge a book by its reviews.

Don't kill the goose that lays the olden rod.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth; you don't want to see what's in there. Besides, its breath stinks!

Don't make mountains out of rocks.

Don't put all your eggs in one sperm bank.

Don't put the carrot before the horse, because they don't like to be teased, you punk.

Don't shoot the messenger, unless he tries to kill you.

Don't speak ill of the dead, unless they deserved it.

Don't spit into the wind, unless you like spitting on your own face.

Don't take any wooden nickels, unless you collect them.

Don't throw out the baby with the bath water, unless it's dead.

Don't throw pearls before swine, stuff them up their asses quick, before the cops get here.

Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of a marriage. Well maybe both.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man boring, angry and annoying.

Easier thought than said. 

Easier bed than bone.

Easier dead and done.

East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet, except right in the middle.

East or West, home is best, especially under house arrest.

Easy come, easy to please.

Eat to live, unless you're broke, then just die.

Beat to love, don't love to beat.

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, but you won't know when that is.

Every cloud has a silver lining. No they don't; it's just water.

Every dog has his bray.

Every dog has his day to lay around, eat, bark at nothing, hump some stuff and take a dump in the yard.

Every man has a vice.

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.  Except when people bring umbrellas or wear sweaters or jackets and scarves, stuff like that.

Expect the unexpected. Except then it's not unexpected any more.

Experience is the best teacher, because you can give yourself whatever grade you want.

Faith will move mountains. No it won't.

Familiarity breeds cousins.

Feed a cold, starve an overeater.

Finders keepers, losers: jeepers creepers, keep track of your stuff!

First come, first to sleep.

Battery will get you nowhere.

Fools rush in where angels fear hell.

For want of a nail, a kingdom was screwed.

Forewarned never believes you.

Forgive and regret.

Forgive them, for they don't know shit.

Frailty, thy name is man!

From the sublime to the ridiculous is but a step in a pile of dogshit.

Gather ye buds while ye may.

Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent delegation.

Give a man a fish and he eats for one night. Teach him how and he eats for life.  Except somebody else owns the lake.

Give him an inch and he'll take the hole thing.

Give him enough rope and he'll hang someone he doesn't understand.

Give me adoption, or give me death.

Give me liberty, or give me capitalism.

Give me ecstasy, or give me meth.

Give the devil a clue.

God helps those who help others.

Good fences make good neighbors, except for the fight over where the fence goes.

Good gifts come in small packages, unless it's a bomb.

Great minds drink alike.

Great oaks from little acorns grow, until the arson.

Grin and bare it.

Sin and bare it.

Half a loaf is better than a bun.

Handsome is as handsome keeps its mouth shut.

Laced makes wasted.

He that is not with me is somewhere else.

He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day, unless he gets shot in the back.

He who hesitates is last.

He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.

He who lives by the sword shall die in the pen.

He who pays the piper calls the tune, but the piper can't know EVERY song, so he might have to play something else or give the money back.

Hell hath no fury like a woman finding porn.

Here today, gone as soon as you get attached to it.

History repeats itself history.

Hitch your wagon to a star, and die a horrible, fiery death.

Home is where the fart is.

Home is where warts show.

Honesty is the best policy if you don't care what happens to all your stuff.

Honesty is the best policy, for a LOSER.

Honesty is the best policy, unless that dress really DOES make her ass look fat.

Hope springs eternal in the human genitals.

Hunger is the best sauce for a nice heaping dish of bulemia.

I think, therefore I am not omnipotent.

I drink, therefore I damn.

Idle hands are the devil's hand puppets.

If at first you don't succeed, read the instructions.

If it's not broke, wreck it.

If it's not one thing, it's another. If it's not that other thing, then it's something else.

If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, then Mohammed will go to the mountain and kill the infidels that live there.

If the shoe fits, when you add socks it will probably be just a little too tight.

If the foo shits, clean it up.

If wishes were fishes then broke people wouldn't be able to afford any.

If wishes were horses, then beggars would beg for wishes, then eat them.

If you can't beat 'em, kill 'em.

If you can't stand the heat, move away from the equator.

If you can't stand the beat, change the radio station.

If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got, unless maybe you do it better, or something else changes since the last time you did it.

If you lie down with frogs, you wake up with flies.

If you lie down with hogs, you wake up muddy.

If you snooze, you lose, unless you're in a snoozing contest.

Ignorance is bliss, but you'd never know.

Ignorance of the law is no excuse for making it.

Imitation is the sincerest form of no imagination.

In for a penny, down and out.

In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man doesn't need to wear an eye patch.

In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to a summer of nonstop fucking.

It takes a thief to catch a thief, unless you have a gun.

It takes two to tango, or three if they both need a teacher.

It takes two to dangle.

It'll all come out in the wash, and ruin all your clothes.

It's an ill wind that blows off work to stay home in bed.

It's every man for sex.

It's never too late to make excuses.

It's no use beating a live horse until it's a dead horse.

It's not over till it's too late.

It's not over until the fat lady's dead.

It's not the heat, it's the lack of tolerance to heat.

It's not the knowing you're wrong that is difficult, but the admitting.

It's not the blowing that's difficult, but the swallowing.

"It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game," said the loser.

It's the empty can that makes the most noise, but doesn't hurt as much to get hit over the head with.

It's the squeaky wheel that gets replaced.

It's time to fish or cut bait, and drink or go home.

Keep a stiff upper lip, or get some Chapstick.

Keep your eyes peeled and your oranges squeezed.

Keep your fingers crossed and then you can lie.

Keep your head above your neck.

Keep your nose to the grindstone; but not too close.

Keep your powder dry, your spoon hot and your track marks covered.

Know thyself well enough to know how little thy knowest thyself.

Know which side your bread is buttered on; hopefully it's the top.

Knowledge is power, unless you live by the praise of idiots.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep and the world laughs AT you.

Laughter is not the best medicine for a case of the clap.

Laughter is the best medicine for a case of depression.

Leave no turn unstoned.

Leave well enough.

Let bygones be bygones, after you've punished everyone responsible.

Let he who is without sin cast the first verdict.

Let nature take its course. We are giving it an F.

Let sleeping dogs lie, you lazy mutt.

Let leaping frogs fly.

Let's cross the bridge when we come to it. No, let's cross it before we get there.

Life is short, art is long. Marriage is medium.

Life is short, art is long, mine is average.

Lightning never strikes twice in the same place, unless it's Earth.

Little pitchers have big fears.

Little strokes fell great oaks...but it takes a LOT of them.

Live, and learn over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again.

Live and let live. Or, die and let die. Same thing.

Love and let love.

Live every day as if it were your last. This is why I never do laundry. (Jeff Stilson)

Look before you leap frog, because you want to make sure their head doesn't get stuck up your ass.

Love conquers sanity.

Love is blinder than a deaf bat.

Love makes the world go down.

Make a virtue of poverty.

Make haste slowly. Hurry up and slow down. Stop starting. Start stopping. Quit making contradictions.  Stop dictating quitting. Shut up and yell.

Make waste slowly.

Make hay while the sun shines, 'cause at night the hay monsters come out.

Man cannot live by head alone.

Man proposes, God buys the ring, then man says no.

Many are called but few pick up the phone once they see who it is.

Many hands make duplication of efforts.

Marry in leisure, repent in haste.

Might makes fight.

Mind your P's and Q's. (This one's for vegetarian actors only.)

Mind your F's and U's.

Misery loves company...but company hates misery.

Misery loves company. But sorry the place is such a mess.

Money isn't everything, but it can buy everything.

Murder will out, unless we build more prisons.

Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast, but a tranquilizer gun is much better.

Nature abhors a vacuum. Which is why I never do it.

Necessity is the mother of theft.

Never give a sucker an even break, just suck on it until it's gone.

Never give a sucker an even break, because you'll lose the Charms Blow-pop contest.

Never judge a book by its reviews.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after that.

Never say die, unless life isn't worth living anymore.

No good deed goes noticed.

No man can serve two masters, so pick one; masturbation or MasterCard.

No man is an island, because islands don't masturbate.

No news is good news, unless they promised to call you when they got home.

No pain, no pain.

Nothing is certain but death, taxes and greed.

Nothing succeeds like cheating.

Nothing bleeds like a beating.

Nothing exceeds like duress.

Nothing ventured, nothing lost.

Oil and water don't taste good together.

Old habits die when you do.

Once bitten, no more Mr. nice guy.

Once bitten, goodbye.

Once smitten, twice arrested for stalking.

One good turn deserves a signal.

One man's loss is another man's win.

One man's meat is another man's best friend.

One man's meat is another man's mate.

One picture is worth a thousand blurbs. 

One picture is worth a thousand dollars, if you catch them cheating.

One rotten apple spoils the whole lunch.

Only the wearer knows where the shoe has been.

Opportunity never knocks twice, but it will send you a thousand emails.

Opposites attract lawyers.

Opposites attract referees.

Out of sight; blind.  

Out of sight, out of field of vision.

Out of timeouts, out of time.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't get undressed.

Politics makes strange bedfellows, but they always end up fucking each other.

Possession is one-tenth of the law; a gun is the rest.

Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely. Partial power corrupts partially. Okay, we get the point.

Powerless sucks; absolutely powerless sucks absolutely.

Practice makes less time for fun.

Practice what you preach, you hypocrites.

Cactus: what you prick.

Tactics: what you teach.

I know those last three sucked.

Pride goeth before a fall, and so doth getting really drunk.

Procrastination is the thief of time, unless you get something else done while procrastinating.

Rats don't desert a stinking ship.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, especially with lots of mold on it.

Revenge is sweet, unless you're on the receiving end; then it tastes like shit.

Rome wasn't killed in a day.

Peeing is relieving.

Seek and ye shall find that nothing is what it seems.

Sharon share alike.

Silence is golden. Yeah please shut the fuck up.

Violins is olden.

Violence is bolden.

Sink or swim. Or float.

Drink or dim.

Slow but steady wins the race, unless you're racing someone fast and steady.

Spare the rod and loyal the child.

Use the rod but don't leave a mark.

Still waters run deep, unless it's a puddle.

Stone walls do not a prism make.

Strike while the irony is hot.

Strike while the siren is not.

Take the shitter with the seat.

Take the bull by the horns, and get ready to die.

That's life. No it's not.

That's the way the ball bounces without air in it.

That's the way the ball hangs.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, unless the tree is leaning off the edge of a cliff.

The bad workman always blames his tools. Or his boss, or his parents, or society. But it's really God's fault.

The best things in life cost a shitload of money.

The best-laid plans of mice and men don't get very far, because mice can't talk.

The bigger they come, the harder they fall asleep.

The burnt child shuns the fire. Yeah people who aren't burnt jump right in.

The child is the father of the man, who's the father of the child, who's the father of the man again, or the woman, or maybe a girl, and it all just keeps going around like this weird, crazy circle.  Until someone gets neutered or becomes infertile from cancer or living next to a power plant or has a botched abortion or some other operation like an oridectomy or has testicular cancer or a low sperm count, and then it all comes to a screeching, evolutionary halt.

The course of true love never did run smooth, and neither did my car.

"The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose," said Satan, just to trick us.

The early bird gets the worm. 

The early worm gets eaten alive.

The end justifies the beans.

The eyes are the windows to the soul. Somebody please get some Windex!

The grass is always greener underneath the septic tank. (Erma Bombeck)

The grass is always greener in Jamaica.

The hotter the battle, the sweeter the cheesecake at the after-party.

The leper can't change his spots.

The leopard can't change its spots. But we can make them into upholstery.

The longest journey begins with but a single footstep. So does a short one. And so does a trip to the proctologist.

The love of money is the loot of all people.

The love of money is the roof of the steeple.

The fluff of cotton is the root of boll weevils.

The meek shall inherit the earth; what's left of it after the obnoxious assholes get done, anyway.

The more the hairier.

The more things change, the more they change.

The more things change, the more confusing they get.

The pen is mightier than the prisoner.

The pen is worth less without the word.

The pen is mightier than the pencil.

The ink is mightier than the pen.

The paper is mightier than the ink.

Scissors beat paper and rock beats scissors.

Please beat me with a rock or stab me with scissors and stop this nonsense.

The quality of mercy is not strained, like my food.

The proof of the gutting is in the bleeding.

The proof of the padding is in the seating.

The proof of the paddle is in the beating.

The race isn't always to the swift, nor the fight to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 
The stakes don't always go to the house, but that's the way to bet.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.  There must be more than one way to get there, because I'm sure there's another road paved with bad intentions.  Unless that one leads to heaven.

The road to hell is paved with bad inventions.

The sea refuses no river. Too bad, because maybe there wouldn't be so much trash in the ocean if it had a choice.

The show must go on, regardless of how bad it sucks.

The truth will out unless it's held in.

The truth will out unless someone lies about it.

The teacher appears when the student is ready to shoot spitballs.

The turtle only gets its head cut off when it sticks its neck out.

The walls have ears. The hills have eyes and the rivers have mouths. God nose. I just can't FACE it all!

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach; it's too hard to rip it out through the ribs.

The wish is father of the deed, so its mother must be desperation.

There are plenty of fish in the sea. But some of them are whales. Many others are sharks, barricudas or other predators. Lots of them are parasites. Most are plankton, which, along with bottom feeders are too hard to catch or hold on to. There are lots of beautiful fish, but many of them stink, emit poisonous fluids or have hard shells. All of them are slimy. Plus I can't breathe under water. It's not as easy as it looks from dry land.

There are old soldiers, and bold soldiers, but there are no old, bold soldiers. 
I guess George Bush and Bill Clinton are going to die old.

There are two sides to every question, if your brain is flat.

There is nothing good or bad but stinking makes it so.

There's nothing good or bad; but thinking fucks it ALL up.

There's a first time for everything, but it's all been done.

There's many a slip 'twixt the dick and the lip (of the toilet).

There's meth in his madness.

There's more than one way to skin a cat. Trust me.

There's no accounting for taste. Good, because I have no taste for accounting.

There's no defense like a massive stockpile of nuclear weapons.

There's no fool like a bold fool.

There's no school like an old school.

There's no place like home.  Except being chained to this chair in this dungeon.

There's no grace like Rome.

There's no waste like foam.

There's no rest for the wicked. But who would want to sleep if you're having so much fun?

There's no such thing as a free lunch, unless you steal it.

There's nothing new under the sun, except some sunlight that just got here.

There's something rotten in Denmark. Or is it just Norway, stinking up the neighborhood?

There's something rotten in Denfart.

There, but for the grace of God, goes Satan.

Things aren't always what they seem. That's what it seems like, anyway.

This too shall last.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. 

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

Time and tide wait for no man. It's the women who take so long getting ready.

Time heals all wounds. Unless you get decapitated; that's forever.

Time is money. Then how come we don't all make exactly $60/hour?

Mime is funny.

Time is of the present.

To err is human, to forgive divine.  But when God made us he REALLY screwed up; so he must be human too. For some strange reason I can't forgive him.

To compare is human, to give divine.

To fear is human, to live divine.  

Too many cooks spoil the broth, especially if they spit in it.

Truth is stranger than fiction. Yeah just the other day I saw a big purple people eater flying her gizmotron over my big orange blazgok while she picked her orb with a jazzmagraph, just before transmogrifying herself into a smoky plasma river and squeezing my pratt with her grob.  Then I bleemed all over the orgasmotron before I could even flagrazzle.

Youth is wronger than diction.

Youth is stronger than friction.

Spurn the other geek.

Burn the other freak.

Flirting about is foreplay.

Two heads are better than one; just ask my double-jointed penis.

Two wrongs don't make a right; but three do. (National Lampoon)

Two's company, three's a crowd. Four's an orgy, and five's jive. One SUCKS.

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown, especially if it's lopsided or fits really tight.

Easy lies the head that wears a crown, because there's a lot less risk of pregnancy.

Uneasy lies the headcase that fears a clown.

Variety is the spice of life. Just make sure you take some Pepto Bismol.

Impropriety is the spice of life.

Waste not, want not. That is, if you have something to waste to begin with.

Water seeks its own level. Sea?

Well begun is half done. What if you don't start out so well; how far are you then?

Woe begone is half undone.

What can't be cured must be endured; unless you can just cut it out.

What goes around, gets dizzy.

What goes around, comes around, like a merry go round go round go round, and where it stops nobody knows. But I want to get off!

What goes up, must come down, unless it goes up to outer space, then it just keeps going.

What will be, will be. Will what will be, be? What won't be, won't. What?

What's good for the goose is good for the gander, as long as it's a gay gander.

When all you have are lemons, make lemonade. But if you don't have any sugar it will taste like crap.

When all you have are lemons, they're probably rotten.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Scratch your balls, eat lots of pasta and sit around saying, "Bella, Bella." Or just drool on yourself like the Pope.

When it rains, it pours. Or sprinkles, or showers, or drizzles, or storms, or thunder and lightning, or sleet or slush or any number of other things, which is not always POURING, you simple-minded freak.

When it rains, it's boring.

When the cat's gay, the rats will pray.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Going, going, gone. Get it? Got it. Good.

When the tough get going, they need a plan.

When your only tool is a hammer, you are not a very good carpenter.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Where there's a pill, there's a way.

Where there's a mill, there's hay.

Where there's a toke, there's fire.

While there's life, there's dope.

Winners never quit and quitters never win, unless you win a couple times, then quit.

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar; but using your tongue works best.

You can feel some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't feel all of the people all of the time.

You can kill a man but you can't kill an idea. If I had an idea to kill an idea, could I kill it or not?

You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think. (Dorothy Parker)

You can take the goy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the goy.

You can take the boy out of the cunt, but you can't take the cunt out of the boy.

You can take a redneck out of the country, but you can't make anyone keep him.

You can't fight city hall, without some weapons and a plan.

You can't fit a round peg in a square hole. Yes you can, if you really, really want to.

You can't get the "toothpaste" back in the "tube."

You can't go home again, if your home blows up.

You can't save your cake and beat it too.

You can't take a silk purse out of a sow's rear, unless she ate it.

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, unless you don't mind eating the eggs whole, with the shells still on. And a lumpy omelet.

You can't squeeze blood from a turnip, unless you put some in first.

You can't take it with you, unless it's your soul.

You can't teach an old cog new kicks.

You can't teach an old hog new hicks.

You can't unscramble an egg. So what? Just eat it, or get another one and start over.

You can't ungamble a bet.

You don't get bling bling for nothing.

You don't always get what you pray for.

You get what you pay for, unless they are out of stock.

You have to take the good with the bad. OK, as long as I can leave the ugly.

You have to take the booty with the bod.

You have to take the wood with the wad.

You wet your bed, now lie in it.

You need to stop to smell the posies. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

You've got to stop and smell the daisies, Daisy.

You need to stop and smell the paint.

You need to take a bull by the horns, and a man by his word.
And a cow by her udder, and a woman by her heart.

You pays your money and you takes your choice. I choose cheese.

You're never too old to learn how to use diapers.