Yes, it’s that time for The First (of many many) California “Remmy” Awards!

 

May we have the envelopes please for the best Recall campaign platform* by

the next 135 governors of the Grrreeaatt state of California (riiiiiiip!):

 

THE RIGHT-TO-LIFE (UNTIL YOU’RE SHOT) AWARD

Alex-St. James, Sacramento: “I support life from conception to the grave and the right to bear arms.”

 

BEST CAMPAIGN PROMISE (BUT CAN HE DELIVER?)

Trek Thunder Kelly, Venice: “Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon.”

 

BEST HEROIC MISQUOTE

Vik S. Bajwa, Santa Rosa: “As John F. Kennedy said, ask not what the state can do, but what you can do for the state.”

 

BEST SIT-IN-LOTUS AND MEDITATE ON SACRED “25-TO-LIFE” MANTRA

Bruce Margolin, West Hollywood: “We should teach basic criminal penalties and yoga in our schools.”

 

MOST JARRING ANTIDOTE TO “COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM”

Larry Flynt, Beverly Hills: “Citizens would welcome having a smut peddler who cares as their Governor.”

 

BEST POTENTIAL DREAM TICKET (WITH LARRY FLYNT)

Bill Prady: “Bill Prady is an award-winning television comedy writer and producer who will bring the skills he’s learned creating sitcom episodes to Sacramento. If elected, he pledges to solve all the state’s problems in twenty-two minutes and forty-four seconds with two commercial breaks and a hug at the end. After all this turmoil, isn’t this just what California wants?”

 

MOST LIKELY TO CARRY THE PRISON VOTE

Rich Gosse, no address: “Single adults are the Rodney Dangerfields of our society. ‘They can’t get no respect.’”

 

BEST NON-SEQUITUR

David Ronald Sams: “I’ve won nine Emmy awards. This campaign should be about one issue: Balancing the budget.”

 

RUNNER UP, BEST NON-SEQUITUR

Lorraine (Abner Zurd) Fontanes: “With my skills as a filmmaker and arts administrator, I will work to return common sense to California government.”

 

AND YOU THOUGHT ARNIE WAS OVERDOING THE METAPHORS PRIZE

Kurt E. “Tachikaze” Rightmyer, West Covina: “As the leading middleweight of the 2003 California State Sumo Series and a serious, well-educated, nonpartisan candidate for governor, I will attack the 800-lb. gorilla of big government.”

 

TAKE THE ENRON WEST NO AOL WEST NO WAIT KMART WEST NO WAIT IT’S CLOSED FOR COLLATERAL…

David Ronald Sams, Agoura Hills: “We must think ‘out of the box.’ For example, I would offer naming rights to our freeways.”

 

BEST “STAY ON MESSAGE”

Kevin Richter, Manteca: “I breathe.”

 

*Actual candidate statements, California Statewide Special Election, Official Voter Information Guide, Tuesday, October 7, 2003. Sacramento: Secretary of State.