Saddam Hussein and George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad !"

Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

------------------------------------------------------

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

-------------------------------------------------------------

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.' "

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

--------------------------

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays for you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

CAPITALISM: You start with no cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shuei is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

SURREALISM (ma préférée) : You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Before PC invaded academia, there was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said,

"Good morning, class. Did you hear about the shortage of whores in Paris ?"

With that, all the women stood up and ran to the door.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The following sign is posted in the front window of a Florida business:

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000

TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE JEW!

-GOLDBERG'S FUNERAL HOME

------------------------------------------------------

All appliance stores in Afghanistan have been forced to close. British economic experts believe this is a direct result of the telly ban.

-------------------------------------------------------

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about.  Here is a very important piece of advice: be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, or geology because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with exactly the answer, the professor has in mind, you fail. So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts.  I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class.  Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say.  For example, suppose you are studying Moby Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times.  So in your paper, you say Moby Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland . Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative.  If you can
regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch.  You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams.  I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing.  The rat learned much faster.  My roommate is now a doctor.  If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject.  I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement.  This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the
sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.  When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was.  His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill and Hilary were driving through Little Rock , and when they passed by a gas station a big man yelled "Hi Hilary" and Hilary said "Hi Bubba".

Bill asked "Who was that?"

And Hilary told him it was a old high school boyfriend. Bill said, "See if you married him you would be married to a gas station attendant, but you married me now you're the first lady."
And Hilary told him, "If I married him he would be the president, and you would be the gas station attendant."

--------------------------------------------------------

President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that, unfortunately crashed. Now they're up in Heaven, and God is sitting on the great, white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that.  Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill.  "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people.  I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do.  I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good.  Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Hillary.  "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

Hillary replies,  "I believe you're in my chair!"

------------------------------------------------------

Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.

"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news...

The good news is - Saddam is still alive. The bad news is he lost an arm."

------------------------------------------------------

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German , which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as Euro-English.
In the first year the soft 'c' will be replaced. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one letter less. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when troublesome 'ph' will be replased by the 'f'.This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgraseful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer unesesary 'o' can be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ziz fifz yer ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor truble or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu onderstand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finaly kum tru!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

General Humor

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office. The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Air Head Fired
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park  anywhere near the place.
---
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from  the statues that are in all the other museums.
---
I like to skate on the other side of the ice ... I like to reminisce with people I don't know ... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a  submarine that's been hit ... And when I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my  car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
---

When I was a child, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. I was an only child. Eventually.
---
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How  long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."
---
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put  them in the same room and let them fight it out.
---
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back  the entire area was missing.
---
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
---
I have a switch in my apartment......it doesn't do  anything......Every once in a while, I turn it on and  off......One day I got a call...... it was from a woman in Germany.......she said "Cut it out"......
---
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the  ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
---
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
---
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
---
I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
---
My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
---
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
---
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 degrees today,' and I said 'Oops.'

---

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
---
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's going to be up all night.
---

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours."  He said, "Yea, but not in a row."
---
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
---
I was born by Ceasarian Section. You'd never notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
---
I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
---

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
---
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
---
I saw a sign "Rest Area 25 Miles." I thought "That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired".
---
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
---
I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:"  I wrote "Doctor". What's my mother going to do?
---
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
---
When I have a kid, I want to buy a twin-stroller and put him in one side, and then walk around like this (frantically looking around while pretending to push stroller).  Then when the kid grows up, I could say "You had a brother, but he was bad."
---
I bought a self learning record to learn spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep. The record got stuck. The next day, I could only stutter in spanish.
---
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
---
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
---
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said "Didn't you see the stop sign?" 

I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
---
The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean. Can you imagine how deep the water'd be if they didn't?
---
I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
---
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
---
I woke up one morning and looked around the room.  Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica.  I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him.  I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!"  He said, "Do I know you?"
---

An Irishman will die before letting himself be buried outside of Ireland.
---
May you never live to see your wife a widow.
---
You're thin, and I'm thin, but he's as thin as the pair of us put together!
---
You couldn't get me on Mars if it was the last place on Earth.
---
All generalizations are bad.
---
If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
---
Always be sincere -- even when you don't mean it.
---
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
---
Of course I can keep secrets.  It's the people I tell them to that can't keep them.
---
Dear Teacher: Please excuse my son Joseph's absence on Friday, as it was Ash Wednesday.  Signed, My Mother.
---
From now on we shall offer police jobs to qualified women regardless of sex.
---
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
---
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
---
We must believe in free will.  We have no choice.
---
There's nothing wrong with incest just as long as you keep it in the family.
---
Why, that's the most unheard-of thing I ever heard of.
---
Excuse me for not answering your letter sooner, but I've been so busy not answering letters that I couldn't get around to not answering yours in time.
---
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
---
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
---
Monotheism is a gift from the gods.
---
If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.
---
1. Resolved, by this Council, that we build a new Jail.

2. Resolved, that the new Jail be built out of the material of the old Jail.

3. Resolved, that the old Jail be used until the new Jail is finished.
---
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
---
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
---
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
---
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
---
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
---

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

---
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
---
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
---
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
---
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
---
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be  to pretend you were swimming.
---
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
---
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
---
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
---
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
---
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
---
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
---
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     

    1. Home is where you hang your @
    2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
    3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
    4. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
    5. Great groups from little icons grow.
    6. Speak softly and carry a Cellular phone.
    7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
    8. Don't put all your hypes in one Home page.
    9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
    10. The modem is the message.
    11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
    12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
    13. A chat has nine lives.
    14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
    15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
    16. What boots up must come down.
    17. Windows will never cease.
    18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
    19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
    20. Modulation in all things
    21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
    22. There's no place like htp:// <home.com/.www.home.com>
    23. Know what to expect before you connect.
    24. Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
          use the Net, and he won't bother you for weeks.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BUMPER STICKERS

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost.
---

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
---

I'm an imbecile and I vote
---

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
---

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
---

Keep honking, driver reloading
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in the bedroom. The 7 year old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say "Hell" and you say "ass." The 4 year old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast.
The 7 year old replies, "Ah hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
"WHACK!" the surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

"I don't know," the 4 year old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it sure as hell not gonna be Cheerios."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. The bartender asks them what they mean by "Only 51 days". One of the blondes looks at him and says, "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days.....and on the box it said 4-7 years."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Puerto Rico. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net .
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net -- a Jean Johnson in  Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was being buried that same day. After returning from the funeral, the preacher's wife took one look at  the E-mail and promptly fainted.    
The message read:  "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job.
The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd  had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.  As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?''
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida.  Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
"Excuse me," she said to the manager.  "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."
Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein.  "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam.  I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
"Jewish????  Who's Jewish????  I happen to be Catholic!!!!"
"I find that hard to believe.  Let me ask you, who was the Son of God????"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born????"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable????"
"Because an anti-semitic S.O.B. like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!!!!"
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Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective."
Tech Support:"You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa."
Customer: (sputter) (click)
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
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Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
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As I said before, I never repeat myself!
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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
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Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

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Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.  The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" 

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied.  "I only have to outrun you."
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Patient: Doctor, people are always calling me crazy.
Psychiatrist: Perhaps you better start at the beginning.
Patient: Okay. In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form and void...
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Russian professor: I came to the U.S.A. to study the death of capitalism!
American professor: What did you conclude?
Russian professor: What a wonderful way to die!
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Writer fined $1000 for calling a countess a cow: Your honor, may I call a cow a countess?
Judge: I don't see why not.
Writer (to the countess): Good day countess.
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