Aggie Jokes

First, let me say that even though I am a diehard Texas Longhorn and bleed burnt orange, I think Texas A&M University is one of the finest schools in the country.  I post these jokes not because I think bad of A&M, its students, or former students, but because these jokes are extremely humorous, and remind me of when I was a kid going to UT/A&M football games and learning about the great historical rivalry between these two schools.  Aggies, please take no offense!

There were three Aggies huddled around each other at a local bar. All of a sudden, they jumped up and yelled,
"Yeah, 45! 45!" The bartender goes down to them and asks, "45? What are you guys so excited about?"
            One of the Aggies speaks up: "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box said 2 to 3 years, and we did it in 45 days!"

What is the difference between an Aggie and a carp?
            One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.

Did you hear about the Aggie terrorist who tried to blow up the Longhorn team bus.
            He burned his lip on the tailpipe.

How many Aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
            One, but he gets 3 hours credit.

What is the difference between the Aggies and Rice Crispies?
            Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.

Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco Chase?
            On the A&M campus, because that's the last place you'll find a football player.

Did you hear about the skeleton they found in a closet in one of the dorms at A&M?
            It was the 1963 hide-and-go-seek champion!

Did you hear about the Aggie who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
            He liked it so much that he decided to get it bronzed.

Why did the Aggie get fired from the M&M plant as a quality control inspector?
            He kept throwing out all the W&W's!

Have you heard about the Aggie kamikaze pilot?
            He flew 22 missions.

An Aggie got a job at an east Texas sawmill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked
how he lost it, he replied, "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"

Did you hear about the Aggie that drove his pickup into the lake?
            His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down.

Why don't Aggies eat barbecue beans?
            Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.

Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency?
            Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.

How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig?
            He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
            Two. One to do the eating, and one to watch for cars.

Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M.
            The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

Why do Aggies like smart women?
            Opposites attract.

An Aggie went hunting and shot two deer.  When he went to the taxidermist,
he was asked if he wanted them mounted.
            "No," the Aggie replied, "kissing will be fine."

How do you sink a submarine which is manned by Aggies?
            Have a diver knock on the hatch.

Did you hear that the A&M library had to close down this year?
            Somebody stole the book.  That's not all... when it was returned it was all colored in.

The Aggies were playing Baylor.  It was near the end of the game and Baylor was ahead by 4. Someone threw a firecracker and the Bears thought it was the gun and ran off the field celebrating.
            Three plays later the Aggies scored and won!!

Some Aggies were trying to scare the Longhorn football team before the game and threw firecrackers into the
locker room windows.
            The Longhorns lit them and threw them back!

Did you hear about the Houston Cougar that transferred to A&M?
            He raised the IQ of both schools!

Then there the Aggie that was hunting in the woods. He happened upon this beautiful woman laying naked in
the grass. He asked her, "Are you game?" The woman said "yes."
            So he shot her.

How do Aggies practice safe sex?
            They get rid of all the animals that kick.

A lucky Aggie won the Texas Lottery. When he went to collect his money they told him he wouldn't get it in one
lump sum and that it would be spread over 20 years.
            The Aggie erupted and said, "If that's the case, then give me my dollar back!"

There was a group of Aggie science students that wanted to send a probe to the sun, but some UT students
said that was impossible and that the probe would burn up long before reaching the sun.
            The Aggies replied that they planned to send the probe at night.

Why don't Aggies eat M&M's?
            They're too hard to peel.

Did you hear about the Cessna airplane that crashed in a cemetery in College Station recently?
            Aggie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and are still digging.

Why did O.J. want move his trial to College Station?
            In College Station, everyone has the same DNA.

What do Aggies think Cheerios are?
            Donut seeds.

I think that it is a shame the way you pick on the Aggies. After all it was an Aggie engineer that invented the
toilet seat.
            ...of course a UT engineer stole the design and cut a hole in the middle.

What did the A&M graduate say to the UT graduate upon meeting?
            Hi! Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order please?

What do you call 144 Aggies?
            Gross Ignorance!

Did you hear about the Aggie that broke his leg raking leaves?
            He fell out of the tree.

What's the Aggie cheer? "I'm an Aggie , I'm an Aggie, I'm and A.G.G.....ah, oh well.. I'm an Aggie, I'm an Aggie,
yea yea yea..."

Why did the Aggie keep a coat hanger in his back seat?
            In case he locks the keys in his car.

An Aggie ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
            "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Did you hear about the Aggie who got locked out of his car?
            He spent two hours trying to get his wife and kids out.

How do you keep an Aggie busy?
            Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

I bet you didn't know that an Aggie invented the toothbrush.
            Of course if anyone else had invented it, it would have been known as a teethbrush!

How do you recognize an Aggie in a department store?
            He's the one trying to slam the revolving door.

How do you know when an Aggie has sent you a fax?
            When there's a stamp on it.

Why do they throw out a sack of manure at all Aggie weddings?
            To keep the flies off the bride.

Why did they install Astroturf at Kyle Field?
            To keep the coeds from grazing.

At the end of the night, the Aggie turns to his girlfriend and asks, "Why is it everytime I go out with you, I end up
spending hundreds of dollars?"
            And she says, "Because I'm a prostitute."

Why does the Aggie Corps wear uniforms made out of polyester?
            There's no virgin wool within a hundred miles of College Station!

Did you hear about the Aggie who was 2 hours late to class?
            The escalator was stuck....

What's the definition of mass confusion?
            Father's day in College Station.

2 Aggies were attending a friend's funeral. While viewing the body one Aggies says to the other, "Gee, he looks pretty good!"
            The second Aggie replies, "He should, he just got out of the hospital yesterday."

What about the Aggie whose wife gave birth to twins?
            He wanted to know who the other man was...

Did you hear what happened to the Aggie when he found out that 90% of all car accidents occur within 5 miles
of home?
            He moved.

How many Aggies does it take to change a flat tire?
            Just one . . . unless it's a blowout, then they all show up!

Why did the Aggie get rid of his freezer?
            He got tired of cutting the ice into little squares to fit into the trays.

Why can't Aggies field an ice-hockey team?
            Everyone drowns in spring training.

Why can't Aggie farmers raise chickens?
            They plant the eggs too deep.

What are the vital statistics of the winner of the Miss A&M Beauty Contest?
            36-24-26.....and the other leg is the same.

What do you call a female Aggie who takes birth control pills?
            A humanitarian.

Why are rectal thermometers banned in College Station?
            They cause too much brain damage.

Why did the Aggie's team airliner crash?
            It ran out of coal.

What do you call a female Aggie with 2 brain cells?

Did you hear about the Aggie who was asked by his professor what would happen if we didn't have electricity?
            He said we would probably be watching TV by candlelight.

How many Aggie programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
            They can't, it's a hardware problem.

How do you get a Texas A&M graduate off your front porch?
            You pay for the pizza.

How do you know when you are near College Station?
            When you honk your horn, all the sheep back up to the fence.

Did you hear that Detroit was going to start putting the dimmer switch back on the floor in its new cars?
            The Aggies kept getting their foot caught in the steering wheel.

The recent budgetary cuts are taking their toll at A&M. Just last week they announced the discontinuance of all
driver's ed and sex education classes.
            The mule died, and there was just no money with which to replace her.

One young Aggie was really afraid of catching AIDS.
            So he practiced abstinence AND wore a condom.


A student from Texas A&M, a student from The University of  Texas, and a  pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his firstborn. Suddenly, the lights went out.  Fortunately, power was
restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.

"Good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced. "Despite the electrical outage, two healthy young boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered.  "However, since the lights went out at the most
inopportune time, we aren't sure which firstborn belongs to whom.  The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."

The three proud papas agreed, and the Longhorn won the drawing.  He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time.  Finally, with head bowed, he scooped  up the
piglet and headed for the door.

"Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice?" the nurse asked.

"No, I'm not," replied the Longhorn.  "But I just couldn't take the chance of choosing the Aggie."

The class in Animal Husbandry at A&M was studying reproduction.  As a project, the professor assigned three students to take a bull to a nearby farm to service a cow there.

Hours passed, and the students had not returned.

More hours passed, and still the students had not reported back.  The worried prof went to the barn.  The bull was in the stall; the three Aggies were lying on the ground, battered and bruised, clothes torn, and completely exhausted.

"What happened?" asked the prof.  "Did the bull give you trouble?"

"Naw," replied the Aggie spokesman, "he cooperated, but we had an awful time getting the cow on her back."

The star football player for the Aggies was failing his math class at the semester and had to pass his exam in order to play in the game that weekend at Kyle Field. The professor and the school board get together and decide to ask him one question at halftime of the game. If the aggie answers the question correctly, he passes and can play. However, if he answers incorrectly he fails the course and is ineligible. Well the game finally rolls around and everyone is anxious about the question.

At halftime the player and his professor go to the center of the field and over the loudspeaker the professor asks the question "What is two plus two?" The aggie thinks and thinks, finally he asks the professor if he can use a calculator. The professor says "No, your time is up". In desperation the aggie shouts into the microphone "Four!"

With that Kyle Field erupts into the chant of "Give him another chance, give him another chance!"

A Longhorn, a Techster and an Aggie went into a bar for a drink. The longhorn tells the bartender, I'll have a TC. The bartender says ''what's that?" . The Longhorn says ''you know, a Tom Collins." The Techster says ''I'll have a PC." The bartender says ''what's that?" The Techster says "a Pina Colida."

The Aggie says "I'll have a 15." The bartender says ''what's that?" The aggie says "you know -- seven & seven".

An Aggie scientist is doing experiments on a frog, trying to find out the effects of cutting its legs off.

The Aggie saws the first leg off and says, "Jump, frog, jump." The frog jumps five feet. The Aggie makes a note: With three legs, frog jumps five feet.

The Aggie then saws off another leg and says, "Jump, frog jump!" The frog jumps one foot. The Aggie makes a note: With two legs, frog jumps one foot.

Finally, the Aggie saws off the last foot and says, "Jump, frog jump! ... Jump, frog jump! ... Jump, frog jump!"

The Aggie scientist makes a note: With no legs, frog goes completely deaf.

An Aggie went in to see his advisor, who said, "I want you to take history, math, and logic." "What's logic?" asked the Aggie. "Well," said the professor, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a Weed-eater?" "Why, yes, I do," replied the Aggie. "OK," continued the professor, "logic tells me that you have a yard!" "Amazing," gushed the young rube. "And," continued the professor, "since you have a yard, logic tells me that you have a house." "I do! I do!" exclaimed the boy. "And," continued the professor, "if you have a house, you probably have a wife. And, since you have a wife, I conclude that you are a heterosexual." "Gaaaa-lee!" said the Aggie. "That logic is sump'n else!"

He goes outside, and his friend, Buck, asks him what classes he's going to take. "I'm gonna take history, math, and logic." "What's logic?" asks Buck. "OK," says the Aggie, "I'll give you an example: Do you own a weed-eater?" "Uh, no," relies Buck.

The Aggie pauses a bit and says, "You're QUEER, ain'tcha".

Two Aggie builders were working on a house. One Aggie was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other Aggie couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first Aggie explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second Aggie got real excited and called him all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"

An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die. He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die. He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.

An Aggie traveling to a new job didn't show up on the first day.  His supervisor called and asked what happened.  The Aggie replied, "I'm stuck in my motel room.  There are only 3 doors in here: one is the closet, another is the bathroom, and the last one has a sign on it that says DO NOT DISTURB".

Four college students are traveling in an airplane that is low on fuel. First, the Wolverine yells "this is for Michigan!" and leaps to his death. Next, the Buckeye gets up, yells "this is for Ohio State!" and jumps to his death.  Finally, the Longhorn steps forward, yells "this is for Texas!", and throws the Aggie out.

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, I know a great Aggie joke. You want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well, before you tell it I should probably tell you that I went to A&M. And you see those two big guys sitting next to you -- they were linebackers for the A&M football team. And those two guys on your other side -- they're Marines, and they used to be in the Corps of Cadets at A&M. Now, are you sure you really want to tell that Aggie joke?"

The guy thinks for a second. "I guess not," he said. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

This Aggie goes into a doctor's office all cut up and bruised and the doctor says,
"My goodness, what happened to you?" and the Aggie says, "Well I was in this horse race and I fell off my horse. And then the horse started jumping up and down on top of me."

And the doctor says, "That must have been terrible!" and the Aggie replies "I know. I could have been killed if the Wal-Mart man hadn't unplugged the machine."

An Aggie and a Longhorn are on a 747 and they are both on a flight to London for a meeting. The pilot comes over the PA and calmly says, "one of the engines is having trouble but we are fine to fly. Unfortunately, we will be a couple of hours late." The Longhorn is not happy at this news and complains loudly, "I have an important meeting and can't be late."

An hour later, the pilot comes back over the PA and slightly distressed says, "a second engine has gone down. Please don't worry, we can make it to London but there will now be an additional four hour delay." The Longhorn comments, "I can't deal with these delays, I have important things to do."

Two hours later the pilot comes back over the PA. His voice is cracking and the stress in his voice is apparent. He says "Uh.....we fire in an engine and have had to shut it down..... errrr...... but please don't panic...we will have an additional seven hour delay."

Well, the Aggie is extremely worried at this. He get's up and comments, "if we lose one more engine we will be up here all day!"

An Aggie was down on his luck so he decided to go out and kidnap a child to get the ransom. He went to the park and snuck up on one of the kids. He grabbed him and took him behind a tree. He told the kid that he was kidnapped and pinned a note on the kid's shirt that read:

"I have kidnapped your child. If you want to see him again, put $20,000 in a sack and leave it in front of the tree at the park. --- An Aggie."

He told the child to make sure his parents saw the note and sent the child home.

The next day the Aggie went to the tree to find a sack. He looked inside to find the money he had asked for and a note that read:

"How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie."

An Aggie and a Longhorn are in hell. The Longhorn is chained to an ugly old woman and the Aggie is chained to Pamela Anderson. The devil comes in and tells the two unfortunate souls that they will be in this situation for eternity. The Longhorn asks the devil why he is chained to the ugly old woman. The devil replies, "this is your punishment for being so mean to all those Aggies over the years." The Longhorn then asks, " if this is hell, why does the Aggie get to be chained to Pamela Anderson"?

To which the devil replies, "That's Pamela Anderson's punishment"!

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged Aggie as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied...

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the Aggie explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

A visiting professor at Texas A&M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.  To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"  About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.  "That's fantastic."

"But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished.  He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.  You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience ."  
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Damn... From back there I thought you said 'goats'."

Two Aggies bunk together at school and on a Sunday morning one decides he’s going to attend church.  He leaves and is gone several hours. When he comes back he’s got 2 black eyes. 

His roommate says to him, “Wow, what happened to you! I thought you were going to church.” 

The other Aggie said, “I did go to church”. 

His roommate looked confused.  “But how did you get those 2 black eyes?”

“Well, it’s simple really.  The church I decided to go to didn’t have air conditioning. So when the service got going, it was really hot in there and all of us were sweating up a storm.  Then when we got up to sing the first hymn, I noticed the kinda big woman in front of me had her dress stuck up between her butt so I reached over and yanked it out!”

“Ohhhh,” said the Aggie roommate, “that explains one black eye, how’d you get the other one?”

“Well”, the beatup Aggie said, “After she hit me so hard I figured she must have wanted it there so I tucked it back in!”

A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional. "But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."

The Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2."

"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."

The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims.

"And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.

"No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my sister."