What Is Dignity?

Kate heard the elevator and saw Tony as he walked in to the bullpen Monday morning, smiling to himself. When he looked in her direction she saw him break into a wide grin, even though she pretended not to notice his arrival.

“Morning, Kate!” he said enthusiastically.

“Good morning, Tony. I take it you enjoyed your drunken spectacle, otherwise known as Spring Break?” Kate never lifted her head from the report she was reviewing.

“As a matter of fact, I did,” he replied. “In fact, I even learned something very interesting, too.” He stepped over in front of her desk and waited for her to look up.

Kate sighed. Lifting her eyes, she played along. Tony would taunt her all morning otherwise. “What could you possibly have learned between trips to the bar and the men’s room?”

He dropped a photograph on her desk. “Only that a certain brunette won the 1994 Wet T-Shirt Contest at my favorite bar in Panama City.” He placed both hands on her desk and leaned forward. “I’m sorry, Kate. What was that you said about dignity?”

Kate stared at the picture, hearing the voices from her past come rushing back, a night she’d put out of her head a long time ago.

“Come on Katie! Don’t worry, a couple of beers and you won’t care!” her sorority sister, Jesse, laughed at her modesty.

“Jess! I can’t wear just this! They’ll see everything!” Kate allowed herself to be dragged by her enthusiastic friend from their hotel room.

“That’s the point, Katie-girl! That’s the whole point of a Wet T-Shirt contest! To show off your assets!” Jesse turned around and shimmied for Kate.

Kate laughed embarrassedly. “Jess, I don’t think I can go through with this!” She pulled her hand from Jesse’s.

“Caitlin Todd, it’s Spring Break. Everyone here is a stranger and drunk besides. Let go, do one totally, completely, outrageously, irresponsible thing.” Jesse had her hands on her hips, demanding a response.

“God, Jess! You make me sound like I’m a stick in the mud all the time! I know how to have fun.” Kate’s protest sounded half-hearted even to her own ears.

“You sure do, Kate. You have lots of fun, up to a point. And you never, ever cross that line. Just once go wild, do something crazy, lose yourself for just one night.” Jesse reached out and grabbed Kate’s hand and this time, there was no hesitation.

“DiNozzo, you are a pig!” She picked up the picture and stuck it in her desk drawer. “And I want all the copies you made of it, too. By lunchtime, on my desk. With the negative!”

“You mean I can’t even keep one copy for myself? That’s not fair, Kate. You look hot…” His smile was teasing but Kate didn’t respond to it.

“That’s all Spring Break is to you, booze and hot women, huh, Tony?” Kate was furious. “Just bring me the damn photographs, all right?”

“Wow, Kate. I’m sorry, I was just joking. That’s the only one there is. No copies, no negative.” Tony backed away from Kate’s desk.

She pinched the bridge of her nose in a gesture of fatigue and frustration, as if she’d put in a full day’s work at only 8:30 in the morning. “I didn’t mean to snap, Tony. I’m just tired of having my private life invaded.”

“Sure, Kate. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted to tease you a little. Well, that and tell you I thought you were really hot. Sorry.” He sat down at his desk and pulled out a file folder.

Kate didn’t notice that his eyes stayed on her as she wandered back to her memories of that night.

Kate and Jesse each had had two beers plus a few drinks that had been bought for them by various guys in the crowd. By the time it was their turn in the contest, neither girl cared much about whether they were wet and how much of their assets were visible. They were laughing and dancing to the loud rock music, thoroughly enjoying the whole Spring Break experience.

“And the winner is Number 17!”

“Katie! Katie-girl, that’s you!” Jesse jumped up and down next to a stunned Kate. Suddenly there were hands all around her. The alcohol, the roar of the crowd, the feel of more cool water on heated skin -- that heady combination drove Kate's excitement over the edge. She even found herself laughing at the camera flashes she saw dotting the crowd.

Kate and Jesse mingled in the bar for a while longer before deciding to head back to their hotel. They were glad that they’d walked; they knew that they were both quite intoxicated, but, it was a once-in-a-lifetime event. Spring Break.

A chance to be wild. To party.

To do something you’d never do again.

“Kate! Is that report finished?” Gibbs’ barked interrogative could be heard as he came around the corner, cup of coffee in hand.

“Uh, sorry, no. I’m almost finished with it.” She fumbled with the papers on her desk, trying to find where she left off, recall her concentration to complete her proofread of the document.

Gibbs stopped in front of her desk and gave her a piercing look.

“I’ll have it for you in just a few minutes.”

The eyes never wavered, but one eyebrow rose in silent commentary.

Her hand flew to the back of her neck in an unconscious gesture and her eyes flickered ever so quickly to Tony. “I could really use a short break, maybe go get a cup of coffee.”

He stood impassively in front of her desk for another few seconds before giving her a brief tilt of his head toward the elevator. Then he headed for his desk.

“Thanks, Gibbs. I won’t be long.” Kate gratefully grabbed her handbag and headed out.

“No, you won’t!” he called after her.

As soon as Kate was out of earshot Gibbs looked over at Tony. “DiNozzo!”

“Yeah, Boss!”

“Whatever you did to upset Kate? Go fix it. Now!”

“How do you know it’s my fault?” Tony protested.

“DiNozzo,” Gibbs began, threateningly

Tony held up his hands in defeat and went after Kate.

Kate was waiting in line at DC Beans when Tony caught up to her. She groaned to herself.

“Tony, what do you want?”

“Gibbs sent me after you to fix whatever I screwed up. So… I’m here to say I’m sorry. Again. And to buy your coffee for you.” He stood with his hands in his pockets, waiting.

“It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known. But thank you for the coffee.” She sighed. She didn’t want to think about that night but she knew she was going to have to finish the memory. She only hoped she could get Tony to leave her alone.

They ordered their coffees and with the cardboard cups in hand, they turned to go. Tony paused and caught Kate’s attention with a quiet question. “Wanna talk about it?”

“Tony,” Kate said, tiredly. “I really don’t think…”

“Look, I’m just trying to be a friend, here. Sit down for a minute, take a breath. You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. But sometimes it helps.” He walked over to one of the small tables and sat down, leaving the choice to join him entirely up to her.

Kate stood there looking at him, doing his best to appear nonchalant. Tony was a good guy, she knew that. A good partner, someone she could trust. She hadn’t thought about this for years, though. Could she trust him with this? Slowly she walked over and joined him.

“I had a sorority sister named Jesse. We were the best of friends, Tony. She was in my pledge class and there was no one I was closer to…”

Kate and Jesse were across the street from their hotel, laughing and dancing along the sidewalk. The alcohol flowed freely during Spring Break. The driver of the car that hit Jesse was well over the legal limit. He never saw the vivacious blonde as she danced her way into the crosswalk. Kate, who had stumbled on the sidewalk, looked up in time to Jesse fly several feet in the air before landing with a sickening sound.

It took Kate a moment to realize the horrible screaming sound was coming from her. She clamped her mouth shut and instantly and ran to her friend’s side. The driver of the car was already puking in the street, having seen what he’d done. Sirens were wailing louder, time was oddly distorted. Police, EMT’s, onlookers, came and went around her. She remembered answering questions, she remembered moving away from Jesse. She remembered watching the black bag with her best friend inside being put inside the coroner’s truck.

She remembered Jesse’s attitude about Spring Break.

A chance to be wild. To party.

To do something you’d never do again.

Tony handed Kate his handkerchief as he spoke quietly. “Kate, you know it’s not your fault.”

“No, Tony. It was the alcohol. Jesse was too drunk to see the damn car and the driver was too drunk to see anything! It’s the whole stupid Spring Break mentality that’s to blame. You’re a grown man, not a stupid frat boy yet you’re still acting like a drunken fool!” Kate’s tone was scathing, accusatory, as if he’d been the driver that had killed her friend.

Tony took a deep breath and then a long drink from his coffee before he spoke. “I’m going to ignore that,” he said just as quietly as before. “I know you’re still hurting over her death, I can hear it in your voice. Blaming the alcohol is the coward’s way out, Kate…”

“How dare you!” she cut him off. “You don’t know anything about it!”

“I know more than you think. I know that accident might have happened even if both Jesse and the driver had been sober. I know that assigning blame won’t bring your best friend back and I know that yelling at me is easier than dealing with it!” His voice was low and intense and Kate suddenly wondered about Tony’s past. She watched him as he took another long pull from his cup and she sat for a moment before she spoke.

“Do you know what Hell is Tony? Hell is seeing your best friend’s blood on the pavement from the window of the hotel room where the rest of your sorority sisters are sitting,” she finally said, softly. “Hell is watching their faces as you tell them about their friend’s death. Hell is packing up her things to go home, the clothes she wore on the beach just hours before she was killed. Hell is going back to the room you shared with her and having to pack up her things there, as well. Crying over every memory as you put it in a box. It’s hugging her parents at the funeral as they wonder how it could have happened and you know you’ve asked yourself that question a thousand times. Hell is your best friend, jumping up and down beside you in your mind, drunk, wet and screaming, a constant companion to a week’s worth of packing up and mourning. Hell is wondering what if you’d just chickened out of the damn Wet T-Shirt Contest and gone somewhere else.”

Tony sighed and tilted his nearly empty cup. “You’re not the only person who’s ever buried some one Kate.” He looked out the window before he turned to look back at her with a serious expression. “You know as well as I do, bad things happen to good people for no reason. I’m sorry I brought up the memory, Kate. I really am. But from what little you told me about her, she doesn’t sound like the kind of friend who would want you to mourn her with sadness forever. Your friend Jesse sounds like the kind of girl who liked to be the life of the party and I think she would hate to see that her death has made you afraid to go a little crazy every now and then.”

Kate shook her head. “Typical DiNozzo. All you get out of the story is that I had a wild friend who died and now I play it safe. Thanks, Tony. I can skip the DiNozzo School of Feminine Psychology.” She stood, finished her coffee and turned to leave.

He rose quickly, and stepped in front of her. “If you think that’s all I got out of the story, you’re wrong. But I will bet that ever since Jesse’s death you’ve had an excuse to avoid anything that would remind you of her adventurous nature. Do you really think that’s how she would want you to remember her?” Tony gave her a long look then turned and walked out the door.

Kate followed behind him, thinking about Jesse. Not the Jesse who died but the Jesse who lived. Her friend, her sorority sister, the truly outrageous one of the duo.

“Go on Katie-girl, flirt with the boy. He’s only been eyeing you in class for half the semester!”

With the recollection of her friend's lively voice, Kate's feet slowed considerably. Tony was right. She'd been pushing aside the memories -- the good as well as the bad -- far too long.

A sudden gust of wind quickened her step, if only to keep herself from falling. It swirled around her, tugging at her sleeves smoothing her slacks, lifting her hair.

Up ahead, Tony turned back to call out to her. “Kate? We really should get back to work…” He stopped dead, allowing her a chance to catch up.

“Wow, the way the breeze lifted your hair, you could have been a model in magazine right then,” he said softly.

She opened her mouth to make some comment, but she found herself suddenly swept around in Tony’s arms. Confused and lightheaded, it took her a moment to realize he taken her out of the way of two inconsiderate rollerbladers. Arrested by his eyes, she found that being this close to Tony was unsettling but not for the reasons she assumed. The person stealing her breath wasn’t her partner, but a man. A very handsome man, who also made her doubt her capacity for speech.

“Tony, I…”

“Don’t be an idiot Katie! Kiss the man!”

“Kate, you have to tell me what you want. I won’t guess and I won’t ruin our team by making the wrong decision. Just make sure you make the right one.”

She turned her head and slipped from his grasp.

“Okay, Kate. I’ll see you back at the office.” There was absolutely no inflection in his voice.

Kate stood there for a few seconds. She felt alone. More than that, she felt as if her life were suddenly passing her by, as if she were watching it now, instead of living it. She turned around and saw him about to get into his car.

“Tony! Wait!” She took off at a dead run. She reached him and saw the wariness in his eyes. Stepping close, she spoke hesitantly.

“I’m afraid. But I can’t let you go, either. Is there a chance for something between us? Do you want there to be?”

“Kate.” He said her name quietly.

“What?”

“You have to stop talking for a minute.”

“Why?”

Tony reached out and pulled her to him slowly, giving her a chance to change her mind. Instead she smiled as she realized his intention, allowing her eyes to flutter closed. She barely noticed the breeze that swirled around her as Tony bent his head and gently but thoroughly kissed her.