January 4: Happy New Year! This was an
interesting new year - I had my neighbors over for Dinner and my one
neighbor (a
Myers-Briggs
Fieldmarshal or ENTJ) and his new roommate. I have been aware
of
the difference in their ways of communicating with me - and that
there's a sense of kinship between the roommate and I. For
fun, I
had him take the Myers Briggs test and it turns out he's a M-B
"Champion" type (ENFP). Since we're both "NF's" - we use our
perceptions similarly - hence our affinity. My roommate is an
NT,
and an extravert, hence our lack of affinity even though
we're best friends. Another thing - the roommate has
his own
Nonprofit Corporation for helping people with Keratoconus. I
asked him why, and he said he likes to help people. Well, so
do
I, but I would never consider starting a corporation to do so!
But he's the Champion - it's what makes him live and breathe
- to
help others.
Most people I talk with discount (or outright make fun of) my interest
in the Myers-Briggs. It performs as well as any science I've
used
in my career. Having it work successfully at helping me
understand people encourages me to read more about it.
What is it: to
indulge...
To have a glass of wine?
To quaff redoubt endorphins,
Hypothal'mus, on-the-vine...
What is it: to indulge?
How come we here; and when?
She replied, " 'Twill come here often...
To non-solitary end..."
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January
22: Well, love has always done that to me. I
remember
making presents out of candle-wax for my first girlfriend. I
guess that's what she reminds me of. But, well, you know -
I'm
pretty sure she doesn't feel that way back. So the "Straight
Girl
Blues" rings out. I'm trying to get back 'into' Alanon
because it
really helps me see life more clearly.
January
29: Getting sick today. Joan Szymko's trilogy, "It
Is
Happiness," is moving me to tears over and over this weekend.
It's a setting of Mary Oliver's poetry. It's one of
the
most amazing pieces of music I've ever heard.
January 30:
I sat, intently reading Mary's poetry
on the face of my screen
And hearing a rip of fabric behind me
My ears told of something valuable being defaced
by a cat's play.
But turning, I beheld the clear, child's eyes of play
Arms embracing a stuffed animal,
Around a chair leg, too,
And the cuter for that -
The great hunter tearing it's prey
Teeth around it's neck,
Eyes wide open and clear
Beholding a far off place and time
I couldn't stop my chuckle and such beauty
and innocence
The hunter froze, sensing mock-danger
Part of The Game
Cat's eyes rolled to behold the source of mirth
And, alas, part of the game, run away. |
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January 31: Viral laryngitis. It's official.
I think
it's a strain of the "cat flu" that jumped species from SAM-e to me...
March
14: Studying my music and hurting over how lesbians reject
people like me. Wish I had a thicker skin.
April 1: Huh. April fools day! Well,
interesting -
well I don't feel the spirit of *that*... Anyway, I was
reflecting on a Life-Lived, after my Alanon sponsor asked me to write a
brief biography of my life. I finished it a couple days ago
and
it was pretty hard to do. I remember thinking, "So many
things,
like water, under the bridge!" But I guess doing it gets you
to
thinking about it. This morning I'm thinking about a life
spent
avoiding people, and thinking about the eitology of that...
There's neural connection research, brain chemistry research,
and
brain structural defect research and I wonder what part(s) of this
particular element of myself are due to what kinds of brain issues.
I mean, my earliest memories are of avoiding people.
I
think it relates back to early household events, which may have made
some neural connections that were simply reinforced to the point of
permanency because most everything in my brain *seems* to be
functioning properly (cognitive, memory, social, etc.). How
much
can I change at this late date? How much do I need to change,
and
how much do I
want
to change? Wherein lies the
self?
I'm also thinking about how going through several bad dating
experiences has changed me. Is it permanent or will I recover
me
desire to date again? Right now, as soon as I meet or desire
someone, something inside immediately withdraws. I'm sure
that
sends a really bad message. I remember feeling that way in
high
school. It's like you assume rejection will happen and react
as
if it already has happened. ugh!
I guess the reason I'm thinking about this is because there are things
that I'd like to see better in my life - more friends, a best friend, a
lover, a partner. There are other things, too: a group of
friends, doing fun things, visiting other places. It's not
clear
that simply changing this tendency to avoid would get me what I want,
though. I know extreme extroverts who don't have a lover, for
instance. So it isn't as simple as saying I need to become
more
social. There's more to it, and I guess that's why I keep up
with
Alanon and therapy. I guess few things in Life are ever so
simple (except in self-help best-sellers). Being
human is
the deepest of mysteries - we simply can't understand ourselves
completely (we can barely understand ants) until we become something
bigger than human - this kind of truth is of built into the Nature of
the Universe.
God - imagine being 50 and trying to learn to have friends - 8 years of
trying and I'm almost nowhere.
April 16: Happy mid-April. I just dragged back from
a
work-related field observation trip. It was pretty good the
way
people got along. I think I had a pretty big hand in that.
These scientists don't really know how to talk to anyone
except
their own isolated (and non-overlapping) social circles. So
usually these trips are full of tension under the surface, forced
politeness and the like. I did a lot of interacting, being
playful and talkative, and by the second day of the trip, everyone was
talking to each other and exchanging stories and getting along.
But all that effort made me pretty tired.
I'd like to get out more and see and do things, but I'm not exactly
sure what I'd like to see or do. I've done the West Hollywood
thing about as much as I care to - they're not particularly nice to
Transsexuals. Same goes for the whole Lesbian thing.
Now
I'm doing Vox, but that doesn't really fill the need since there isn't
much social interaction there, really. So, what to do?
April 22: There's a monster living inside of me. It
ruthlessly pursues the truth, irrespective of the hurt it may cause.
It's the Scientist. The outer-me struggles to keep it
contained, from hurting anyone with unwanted truth, from boring people with unwanted realizations, because we must
care for each other's feelings and build social connections. The Inner-me is by far the strongest, most
developed part of me, and can overpower the Outer-me when it really wants to. That often tends to end conversations...
Well, anyway, this is what it feels like. I was reading that
INFJ's have their most highly developed part pointing inward, and the
world is left to deal with the second-most-developed part.
After thinking a bit, the Scientist proposed following some
Alanon principles and calling someone to do an activity with today.
So, I called M-H and she said OK - I'm off to Long Beach for
lunch and a couple of hours in a couple of hours.
The way I got involved in my second long-term relationship (10-year
marriage) was that she was alone and desperate. Starting a
relationship that way is like Russian roulette! I don't want to
do that again, but the (stronger) Inner-me really, really wants to help
people like that. So I have to remember that the gamble is
dangerous with odds stacked against me - just don't pick the
pistol up, even if the other person does.
Looking at these words, they seem so cold, don't they? It must be
the Scientist talking, being totally pragmatic, remembering the long
nights and plans for suicide that followed the last divorce.
Nothing in this world is totally safe, but you cannot use that
fact to justify a game of Russian roulette.
April 23: Grieving the "loss of the dream" of being an accepted
lesbian in the LGBT community - ah well! I'm going to have
to detach from my coffee partner, too. There are just too many
covertly abusive people in my life. I'm trying to promote a
couple of my long-time acquaintances into Activity Partners, so I'll
have some people to do things with, but first they have to learn to
overcome their habitual sarcasm and criticism. I wonder how long
THAT will take???
April 25: OMIGOD!! I'm becoming a CAT Ladyyyyy... AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!
I just re-found a group I loved: Midnight Well
April 26:
Dear L***:
It's funny - I read your emails over and
over to sort of fill in for the ones I don't receive. Pretty silly -
but maybe not. My therapist says single people often get (non-sexual)
massages to meet what she calls "skin hunger" needs - the need for
human touch. By way of analogy, I guess I'm getting some sort of
brain/communication needs met by reading your emails over and over. I
always seem to need an explanation for things. This morning when I
read your last email (again), I decided to write a reply. My mind is
wandering today as I get ready for work. I'm trying to stay in a
positive place: how much of what I feel is part of the grieving (and
therefore OK) and how much are just bad thoughts (not-OK)? Mental
Hygiene? Maybe keeping track of thoughts is part of the grieving job?
I suppose I should start reading a book on it, but I was sort of hoping
this grief process wouldn't last that long... I stay so busy that books can
take me a year or more to read.
I've been reading "Gifts Differing" by Isabella Myers on the Myers
Briggs stuff. I'm learning a lot as it's much better written than the
previous book on the subject. Of course, M-B just one part of being
human. You cannot use quantum mechanics to build a dam, so with that
analogy, you can't use Myers Briggs for lots of stuff. Like, how would
I use it to tell if someone was flirting with me? It doesn't help me
get along better with folks in Vox either - it just helps me not hate
myself so much for the trouble I keep encountering when I try to...
I have been talking a lot the last few weeks with a woman I used to
date who is an artist. She needs a green card, a job, and a place to
stay, and I think that's a lousy basis for attraction. I've been
very supportive but I've kept my distance - but I was still quite attracted. (Or am I
just lonely? Ya, that's probably it.) I introduced her to someone I know who
is also an artist, to try to help her find a job. The next day I get
calls from both of them offering gifts and lectures on not being
jealous. They're going to date it seems. Classic lesbian romance
novel stuff. I feel hurt. Ah well.
The E-man seems to be healing - the hair is growing back - but he keeps
me up at night licking, licking, and licking - on my bed. I understand
better now the feelings you mentioned having about Slurpy. It's kind
of fun being able to hold Mr. E (since he's small). It seems he's a
rare "Siamese ferret."
- p
May 20: Geeze, this year is flying by. Sammy is much
better. All his hair is growing back - it must have been his diet
causing an allergy. I worked hard these last two weeks building a
computer for a "friend" - an acquaintance, really - and finally got
done with it. Computers are one problem after another!
Again I learn how people use each other. I'm too easily
used. I gotta become more careful about people I invite into my
life. Good friends are hard to find.
June 1: I Love You SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 23: Why are superstitions so persistent in human culture?
It's because they relieve the discomfort of not knowing...
- The human's Prime Motivator is discomfort.
- Human minds must Understand - that's one of their two primary properties (the other is to create). The brain's subsystems are organized to accommodate these goals.
- When we fail to Understand, we experience discomfort, sometimes highly acutely.
- When the more discomfort we feel, the less we demand of any given
explanation (such as logic, consistency, cogency, etc., even
truthfulness).
- Given enough discomfort we will accept unverified and unverifiable explanations
Hence: religion, the zodiac, superstitions, etc.
Hence also:
the Drive to Understand - why people dedicate their lives to
science
Example: Jill seems like a silly girl. Jill is a Capricorn - Oh, Capricorns are capricious...
- but that's no explanation at all - it simply
relieves the pain of "not knowing" by placing a largely useless thought
in the mind
The truth is more likely that her Lymbic System is producing chemicals
to help her experience joy more fully and consistently than most
people. Or it may be that she is using those chemicals to
distract herself from other, more uncomfortable thoughts - These two
types of explanations are "real" in the sense that they lead to and
promote further and deeper understanding; whereas, the Zodiacal
explanation above does not. At best it provides comfort and an
increased ability to use such empty explanations to relieve discomfort.
The danger with this is that with enough such tautological
thoughts in the mind, mental disorganization results as well as the
inability to pursue a deeper understanding and the lack of motivation
towards genuine, cogent, theories that can be used to expand
Humankind's ability to ameliorate the Human Condition.
July 4: I'm so bummed today - I got in my first motorcycle
accident! Well, the first one on the street (I've crashed dirt
bikes a lot). Ten years I've been riding and today I get in a
wreck for the first time. Ouch! I was wearing my dirt bike
knee guards and my Joe Rocket ballistic armor jacket and I didn't feel
a thing, except my injured pride. The fellow made a sudden right
turn in front of me while I was driving through his blind spot and I
bounced off his passenger door at about 20 MPH. I was on my
motorscooter so I just kind of bounced off his car rather than getting
sandwiched between a motorcycle and the car - a scooter is nice that
way. And body armor keeps the knees and elbows and shoulders from
getting whacked - which is REALLY NICE (thank YOU Joe Rocket!).
But now it's insurance time to get his passenger door fixed up.
Bummer. He was really nice and very concerned that I was
not hurt. So I'm grateful and thankful and I hope he stays nice
thoughout the insurance process. I'm so grateful this happened on
the scooter at only 20 MPH.
July 28:
Sounds and thoughts in the quiet morning
spaces blur together...
A sparrow in the distance - or car tires?
You can't tell from the sounds themselves,
But the way they sound...
A car crunch is one greedy snarl,
But a lonely hawk never gives up, over and over.
July 30: "Chess? Quite easy, really: You have 16 pieces; you move them this way and that..."
August 2: This morning I awoke from a dream of repeatedly
cutting off my left thumb with an axe... Then I recalled a dream
a few days ago where I was flying among the pine trees in my own back
yard. I love flying and I love pine trees. I tell you -
it's strange being human.
The truth is, we have circuits in our brains. And just as our
life is dependent on the organic functions of our bodies - so our Self
is dependent on these circuits in our brains... So it is I
struggle for inner health just as for physical health. Sometimes
things work well, and I soar in the pines: other times it's otherwise.
And what is the difference between a Lance Armstrong and another,
unknown, cyclist? Is one less human and the other more. No.
Differences between people are. Likewise, some struggle for
what others find with ease.
We all seek Happiness. I love the way
Mary Oliver says it:
"What is the name,
of the deep breath I would take,
over and over,
for all of us?
Call it what ever you will,
It is Happiness...
It is Happiness.
It is another one of the ways to enter Fire."
