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   Patti's Online Diary (2003)

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January 4, 2003:  Happy New Year, world!  (As if anyone actually reads this!)  OK, good new year for me - though I had attacks of vertigo and had to bail on one party to which my Sponsor invited me but I did get to go to a potluck on New Years Day.  My friend Karlyne happened to be in town and I was too sick to drive, so she drove me to it.  It just so happened that day that I also need very badly to cry about my mom and family and my friend Karlyne was there for me and held me while I cried.  That felt very good and I don't know how I could ever repay her that loving care.

My friend Andrea was after me to get this diary caught up, so I am.  She redid her website here.  I have been very busy getting ready for a Titan-II launch at Vandenburg this weekend - and I don't know if it is going or not.  I have spend my career as a laboratory researcher and feel a little cowed by the equipment I built for watching the launches.  It is so complicated and I keep having problems with it.  It is also hard being a woman because nobody assumes you are competent - when you are a man who "sounds like he knows what he is talking about," people automatically assume you actually do.  No matter how you sound as a woman, men generally will not assume you know what you are talking about.  In fact, they will assume you don't.  This is a pain.  But then, many things don't go as I think they should!

It is still, of course, very cool to have a vagina.  Lately I have been realizing this and I guess the delay is in some cases just some of the healing process.  The nervous sensation seems to be returning more.  It has been basically numb since the surgery and that has been depressing on a deep level - most women don't have this problem.  So this makes me feel just a little more "real" and a little less like a modern day Frankenstein's Monster.  That sounds odd, but it is possible to feel that way.  Just because I transitioned, had the surgery, changed legally, etc., doesn't mean that the right "switches" in the self-perception portion(s) of my brain automatically self-adjust to get me mentally into a good place - the place Nature should have put me in the first place.

Oh, gosh... now what to say?  I am still trying to come to terms with loosing my mom.  Even more, I am trying to come to terms with my family dysfunction - handed down from at least my mother's generation, and maybe before.  When she spoke, it did sound like she had few or no friends while growing up - and both my dad and mom left home as soon as they could, hit the ground running and never looked back.  Now it is obvious to me looking back that the same thing is what has happened to my family, to a greater or lesser extent.  I understand this more and more as my friendships with Karlyne and Andrea deepen and I get to see what "normal" families can actually be like - with few or no "grudges," warmth, closeness, and willingness to talk and be polite and allow for each other's moods and points of view.

On the upside, I have found out a little bit about my grandkids and all seem to be doing well there, so my prayers there are answered.  Yay!

I have also been pondering my last communication with my ex.  I remember her saying that "neither her nor the kids ever want to see me again."  It is just like People Of The Lie to say something like that - as though we could actually see the future or desire the burden of resentments - and then excuse it later as necessary with a comment like, "Oh, well, I was angry."  So now I am left pondering my own course of action.  It has been years since we've spoken and I have no idea what is going on with them - though I have been here the whole time.  My therapist says "blended families" don't actually bond that often, so I'm guessing mine didn't.  And who knows?  Maybe everyone will suddenly grow up?

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January 12, 2003:  Lots of dramatic stuff is happening in my life.  On a whim I contacted my 20 year old ex-stepdaughter, and she told her mother, who then wrote me an extremely violent email, even threatening her son beating me up, calling the police, etc.  Just her characteristic reactionary rage.  It really makes me feel awful.  When people at my Alanon meetings talk about having married a Rage-aholic, I certainly can identify very clearly with their experience.  It is baffling where there rage comes from and then it disappears with no trace.  I feel it would be prudent in the face of her rage to get a lawyer in case she continues her bizarre rage against me.  I also got an email from my brother which contained his typical accusatory response to my inquiry about my mom's death.  Well, I probably shouldn't have told him it was unchristian for him not to tell me about her, even though it is.  He claims he tried...  Still - how hard is a phone call?  Oh, well, let it go.  These kinds of things make me wonder what I should do.  I'm tempted to post the contents of some of these letters to demonstrate what transsexuals can sometimes face in the form of rejection from everyone, but I am not sure what it would accomplish.  I was characteristically cavalier in my transition - I even thought my wife could handle it.  Most people would be more circumspect and realistic in their approach to transition, I would guess.  Maybe my Higher Power is telling me that contacting my past this way is not in the Plan for me.  I'll have to ponder that.  Since I was the Vector through which alcoholism entered my children's lives, I would like to help stop it with Alanon - but that is not really my call - it is Higher Power's call.  And there was codependency and dysfunction in both my spouse's families so I can't claim full responsibility for that.  And as far as I can tell everyone is doing well.  So maybe I should just back off.

I had a good visit with A. this week - she flew out for a business meeting.  As usual we spent every spare second together.  It seems like we are able to talk easier over the phone - but it may be something much deeper going on - something having to do with the time derivative of intimacy.  My feelings bother me a lot - they aren't autopilot any more and I don't know what to do about it.  I have read about lesbians who discover they are so after years of being straight.  They may find that their mental picture of sex doesn't really involve male genitalia.  I keep getting just the reverse.  I am a lesbian who has mental images of male genitalia.  How much more confusing can life get???   Well, I guess it could get to the point of chemotherapy, AIDS, lithium, and/or Welfare - so how can I complain too much now?

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January 25, 2003:  God, I still feel awful.  I guess I need to get a lawyer - my ex is using company email system to start a slanderous rumor against me.  Not only would I like to feel like I am defending myself, but I think it is bad enough that my company has sick, brainwashed clones of the vatican power structure running it.  How can the nation's 'best scientists' be so sick? Ask Galileo.  It took the Vatican 400 years to admit to what everyone else already knew. HOW CAN ANYONE LISTEN TO SUCH INSANE MINDS??  Yet most of the world does.  This human tribe of monkeys is not nearly as far down from the trees as we think.  We're still animals.  I guess there will always be a need deep within humans to hold power over other humans.  I think I must be from K-Pax.  Over 2000 years ago someone said that "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth" was insane.  Almost nobody listens to that, but they will listen to the Vatican.  Go figure.

I went bike riding this morning and that feels good.  My knee is getting better and better.  A's surgery is coming up in less than 20 days, and I keep thinking of that mucosal flap.  Just what I need - another image thrown into the hopper.  She's a lucky girl - she has me telling her what to do.  She is a control freak so only absorbs about 10% of what I say, but that is 10% more than I knew going into this.  In The Sun magazine I read about a woman who had breast reduction surgery and the doctor removed her nipples and re-created phony ones in their place - which, naturally, are totally numb.  The poor thing was beside herself because she had lost - forever - all that wonderful sensation that her nipples used to give her - especially when suckling her son...  I feel a little bit that way since I let Dr. Meltzer do a circum-aeorlar procedure on my breasts...  but I did the best I could at the time.  There wasn't anyone to tell me otherwise or help me find the right doctor and the stress of doing this alone was so intense...  At least I still have my nipples and maybe over time they will get back close to where they were before.

I guess a more important personal goal for me would be healing the PTSD I was raised with.  My mom never healed it, and as far as I can see, neither has anyone else in my family.  I am trying but it is so hard.  I think our race are all carriers of this - it hasn't been that long since we were eating each other and being eaten by animals on the planes of the Sarengetti.

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January 29, 2003:  I'm feeling a bit better - a little shell-shocked still.  I don't imagine that will go away for quite a while, though.  Funny - even though I know my mom's death is a major shock, and that it will take time, it doesn't make the time go by faster.

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January 30, 2003:  Writing two days in a row!  Wow.  I guess I am "getting a clue" because today I wore a light blue leather miniskirt, black knit top, and a light blue moleskin "big shirt" to work - and I felt a little out of place.  I guess that means my fashion sense is improving - that I can tell when I am out of place in what I wear.  Now I am shopping online for lingerie...  WHY do these people put up sites that are so HUGE they never load completely???

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February 3, 2003:  Well, I've had my site offline for a few days now and I am not sure how I feel about it.  Something inside wants to "move on" somehow but how does that translate into action?  Ain't nothing going to change around here - debt - loneliness - lack of self understanding...  I was at Alanon on last Sunday and something interesting was said by one of the members.  She remembers "playing bar" instead of "playing house" as a little girl.  I remember we always played orphanage!  Why didn't we have a home?  I can only guess it might have been because we were latchkey kids and moved so much that none of us developed any friends.  I wonder if I am unable to form strong primary bonds because of that?  Or maybe I can but just don't know how?  Or maybe I just can't really relate to those words for some reason on another and it isn't any big deal?  My inner life always seems to be like that - always questioning the basic stuff of my 'self.'

My therapist gave me a reading assignment to read about Borderline Personality Disorder - and it sounds like me!  Basically, it translates as intense neediness and codependence - which causes the person to have poor quality relationships, reinforcing the neediness and codependence.  Another downward spiral.  On the other hand, it may be devoid of meaning.  Life seems to be like that.

Last night I was questioning the existence of God with respect to me, personally.  I am wondering what it means to "trust" God.  Apparently even the ancients knew this - I am recalling the quote, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him."  I guess that applied to those gassed in the Nazi death camps, doesn't it?  But what is the point?  It seems the only point is to maintain social cohesiveness by maintaining personal integrity.  I am sure this is important from a social standpoint.  But what is the importance of the individual(s) then?  Merely cogs in the social machine?  These big questions have never been answered, and probably won't be any time soon.

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February 28, 2003: It has been a while since I wrote.  Looking back on my diary, it seems like some years have been like that.  My diary is currently offline.  A friend and I have been having a lot of trouble communicating and I am afraid of hurting that friend's feelings.  I also feel like that friend uses the diary as a way to circumvent actually talking to me.  I feel somehow violated at that.  It has been several weeks since this friend and I have communicated in any meaningful fashion and I am not sure what that means.  Is it just one of those cycles of friendship I am told exist or is it something different or stronger or more meaningful?

Now that I think about it, just about my entire circle of friends which I thought I was finally getting have disappeared from my life.  Two have gotten new girlfriends and we have sort of stopped talking (one of them I had romantic feelings for, and the other not).  A third friend and her new partner have sort of dropped out of my life, too.  Several months ago a fourth friend simply stopped returning my calls.  So what is the common denominator here?  Am I really that much of a bitch?  Maybe so...

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March 8:  I have been majorly depressed the last few weeks but it reached a peak last week and weekend.  At a certain point you begin to feel nothing - at that point you can convince yourself that on some level that life is not real, so what is the point in not dying...   OK, a little therapy, a little prozac, a little meditation, talking to a new sponsor, and life goes on.  I still feel shell shock from it, though.  But I am reading a book entitled, "Good-bye To Guilt."  It is based on "A Course In Miracles," which I was reading early in my transition, just after my divorce.  I was reminded of a lot of places inside me that I had forgotten about.  So the last couple of days have been better.

All around me I see people making friends and participating in life - yet after 5 years of trying, I still don't see myself doing that.  I haven't been out to lunch with a coworker for years.  My friendships never really seem to develop - except when someone wants to be sexual with me.  And I haven't had that happen yet with anyone *I* feel sexual about.  Why is that?  I am STILL wondering about my sexuality, and sexuality in general.  I can't imagine being sexual with anyone - my sex drive and equipment and nerves are just so totally untried that there seems to be a lot to overcome: self doubt, numbness, being almost 50...   Hmmm.  I know people do it, though.

It is a little odd how friendship and sexuality usually overlap.  Maybe it's just me - I don't have those feelings so well separated inside.  Is it neuronal and immutable?  Like depth perception, which, if not learned before 2 years old becomes immutably lost?  Most mammals have some sort of preferred "friend" amongst their social structure.  I guess humans just tend to feel guilty.  (and I'm reading "Good-bye To Guilt" ...Hmmm...)

I want to feel less alone and after years of trying, I still don't know how to connect with others.  I know that a committed relationship can't do that for me so it is good I am not in one.  I try to make friends but don't.  Well, all I can do is turn it over into God's hands... and keep trying to make myself the person I want to be.

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March 15:  I woke up feeling down this morning.  There seems to be so much to grow toward.  I am feeling friendless and that all my friends have abandoned me for good reason.  For some reason I just can't figure out how to give friendship.  I feel like part of me slashes out at people & hurts them.  I am reminded of my brother's practical jokes, and of a dream I had where two guys microwave Danny and I and then when I got defensive one pulled a knife.  I call that one Slash.  He's probably a part of my angry self.  His partner hasn't told me his name yet, but is probably passive- aggressive?

I guess I am doing toxic self talk this morning.  My sponsor feels like my only friend right now.  Luckily for the friendship, there are strict limits.  Maybe that can keep me from messing things up.  That SURE is a negative way to look at things!

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April 4:  OK, maybe I am too hard on my friends.  My web site has been off line for a couple of months.  I just put it back online but I don't know about leaving it on.  It just seems like so much stuff is on here - and I just get to wondering about life and stuff.

I have been having fun the last couple of weekends riding with a couple of new friends, Dominique and Bonnie.  Tomorrow is the Board of Trustees potluck for the Women on Wheels.  I am supposed to bring enchiladas and cookies.  I guess I should bake tonight, but I might dilate and watch a movie instead.  I am still struggling with dressing myself at work.  A friend mentioned that as a woman you have to dress better than a man to be taken at least half as seriously.  Hmmm - it makes me think.

I find myself enjoying my alone time.  But I also want to strive for more balance in my life.  It seems I have to work very hard to overcome my history of isolating from people.  So, it is a good time to be horny, all in all.

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April 5:  I am going to talk about a proper subset of space-time: 3-dimensional space.  I think the underlying circuitry in the human brain is 4-dimensional.  Have you ever tried to imagine folding a solid cross shape (formed from six cubes joined at the side) into a tesseract?  I can't, but I am pretty sure my brain does that with image sequences as they seamlessly morph - say during a dream sequence - and you can't recall how in the WORLD you got where you are at any moment in a dream from where you were the moment before in that dream.  That's because your brain operates in 4 spatial dimensions which simply have no analog in the conscious mind's paradigm of three spatial dimensions.  You can't get from scene A to scene B in 3 spatial dimensions without crossing intervening space, but you can get there in 4 dimensional space (in a dream).

This may seem like trivial concept in the age of Hollywood special effects.  But it allows us to see how intuition functions.  If my (4-dimensional) subconscious is aware of connections that my conscious mind cannot operate with  (since it has a 3-dimensional "sensory" paradigm), then it can give me "hunches" that a connection exists in a broader universe in the internal neural map.  Even Einstein said he didn't understand hunches, but they were more important than anything else in the creative process.

Among other things, the conscious is an interface mode between the physical universe of space-time and the inner universe of 4 spatial dimensions, and operates concurrently and in parallel with the conscious awareness.  The lack of a common paradigm prevents the conscious from perceiving the subconscious with the same awareness it perceives the physical universe: hence it apprehends the subconscious as either nonexistent or existing in a dark, silent, or hidden realm (corresponding to the lack of visual, auditory, or three dimensional paradigm for the subconscious).  Since 4 dimensional Cartesian space is not isomorphic with 4-dimensional space-time, the conscious can only apprehend the communications paradigm of the unconscious as a "hunch," something outside of it's understanding, but very real.  The conscious cannot understand the process of the unconscious - it isn't mathematically "big enough" - the conscious' paradigm doesn't "span" that of the unconscious.  (The reverse is not true!)

Thus, in reality, the conscious and subconscious are equally real, dynamic, and co-operating aspects of the neural web (brain) in which we we find ourselves embedded in this physical universe.  The conscious part only *appears* more real or dynamic because it is the only part of us that easily can be perceived with a 3-dimensional paradigm - hence by each other.  Let us not be bound by the 3-dimensional paradigm of what our senses tell us lest we ignore at least half of what we are - and probably the larger half - and thereby become less than human.

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April 10:  Geeze!  Dumped again.  I am going to start a listing of my favorite 'dump lines:'

(1)  "You want to be in a relationship and I don't."
(2)  "I'm just very independent."
(3)  "I don't really like your 'style.'"
(4)  "I have decided not to pursue a relationship at this time."
(5)  The 'cold shoulder'  (...they just never talk to you again...)
(6)   (...over the phone from another town...)  "I've started dating again."

I'll be damned if these don't sound convincing at the time you hear them.  OK, so the last two are pretty obvious.  Such is the dating scene - what else can you do but laugh at it all?

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April 21:  Well, blow me down...  It turns out I wasn't dumped after all.  Go figure.  Hmmm.  Could this be what they mean when they say the words, "Dyke Drama?"  Could be.

I tried to explain to a friend the difference between straight-dating and lesbian-dating.  First, I'm not sure at all that I understand it, even on a gut level, and even if I did, whether or not I could express it.  That said, I think the rules are pretty clear in 'Straightland' (just down the road from Graceland) - 1) girl notices boy and pretends not to, 2) boy notices girl and wants to jump her bones, 3) girl decides on whether or not he is marriageable, which generates the answer for #2 (the exact timing to be determined by ruling social convention).  In the lesbian scene, 'friends' decide to 'hang out' and become 'best friends' and something either eventually happens or doesn't - if you wanted something to happen and it did, fine - if you didn't want something to happen (and it did or tried to), then you are entitled to be angry at your 'pal' for 'misreading your intentions' and you tell all your friends she is a slut (or nicer or worser words to that effect).  Lesbian dating is a dicey business!

Still, where my head and heart are right now is a good place, and this strikes me as a very good thing!  The upside is that this person is intoxicatingly interesting.  The middle line: well, until the ink is dry on the 'contract,' there really isn't anything to be dumped 'from.'  And of course, a big issue with all 'arrangements' like this (eek!  never say 'relationship' - the English say, 'situation'...) is that instead of getting clearer, they seem to get murkier as time goes along.  Hmmm.  Hmmm.

Dear friends are the sweetest thing in this life.  Long-time friendships are precious gold to be carefully guarded and cared for.  New friendships are the breath of fresh air for an Old Soul's life.  You MUST watch this movie when you can!...
 

       "Ten Rules: A Lesbian Survival Guide" is narrated by a pretty, wide eyed upwardly mobile well-
      dressed lesbian who explains the lesbian rules of etiquette to the audience as the story of a friendship
       circle unfolds.  The complexity of lesbian relationships is constructed as the narrator tells the audience
       about The Ten Rules.  Dyke Drama, one of the inevitable rules, unfolds as the narrator becomes
       attracted to a tall beautiful self-assured woman while a drunk member of a long-term lesbian couple ropes her
       into a bedroom under the pretense of having to have a heart-to-heart talk with her.  Of course the
       partner of the long-term companion walks in as our narrator has just been pushed onto the floor by the
       drunken woman, exposing her brassiere.  We see the reactions of community members as the narrator
       walks out of the bedroom and into the hub of the birthday party past a sea of judgmental tsk-tsk's as
       all of the party goers make acerbic comments about her lustful behavior...

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April 22:  How in the world does my brain get into such crazy states????   I was thinking this morning about the movie Artificial Intelligence.  What a chunk of drama THAT was - an entire journey that ends in such disillusion and disappointment.  Could that happen to me?  It scares the poop out of me!  My neurons are mind-fucking me again.  Life really is quite charming and even when there is serious difficulty, it has brilliant times also.

I know the most wonderful woman.  This diary thing is getting difficult because I don't know if I should write about her - maybe she wouldn't like it?  She is simply amazing: awesome, sexy, intelligent, sexy, witty, funny, sexy...  and she scares the hell out of me.  Well, not really - it is just my neurons mind-fucking me again.  I tend to be one of those who wants the journey to be over - I want to be at the Rainbow's End - but people tell me over and over that Life is really about the journey.  I'm not sure what that says about me but I think it means that I need to keep focussing on the day, the hour, the moment in which I am living.

This weekend is Laughlin.  It will be great to go hang out with friends - to see some country - to fly on my rocket bike!  One of my new friends is buying a VFR maybe.  V-fours are the best!  It is just the greatest group of womyn I hang out with these days.  My sponsor, Denice, tells me that she thinks I *do* know what I want out of life.  I'm having so much fun with this new sponsor!  She giggled when I shared with her - she understands "top" and "bottom" - I was too shy to say that but she guessed it!  The great thing about sponsors is that they are more than a friend.  It is 'safe' - there's no "drama."  That feels nice.

So - we all need these things in our lives:
0)  Dogs and cats...
1)  Excellent friends to hang with and to keep our brains here in this life and grounded,
2)  Family (if possible) to help us remember who we are and where we come from,
3)  A sponsor to tell us like it is without any fear of drama intervening,
4)  Someone to kiss and hold and who knocks our socks (and underwear) off too.

Did I actually say all that stuff?

I look at my friends talking to each other.  It is such a beautiful thing to behold.  It is similar to looking at nature - to the beautiful harmony of the discourse of birds.  I have no idea how they do it.  Am I from another planet?  I am a big old raggedy mammal who chirps like a bird and they actually talk back!  It amazes me...  Where would we be without our friends?

A last thought...  Never try to change your friends.  If they don't love you the way you want them to, then that doesn't mean you should try to change them - it means you have more friends to make.  I sometimes try to change how those closest to me seem to feel about me so I know what I am talking about.  It also can mean that sometimes feeling and 'staying with' the hurt within us is what needs to be done - not changing the world to avoid the hurt.  Jung said avoiding hurt in that manner is the source of neurosis in this life.

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April 27:  I am just kicking back and relaxing today.  Just riding out to Glendale for my normal, Sunday morning Alanon meeting took all my energy!  I tried to go to another meeting that a new friend, Pam, recommended, but I had so little energy left after lunch that I got lost - so I missed that meeting.  Time to go home, rent videos, and try to forget life's complexities.  "Mulan" & "28-Days" are on the fare for this afternoon (along with trying not to think of what I would really rather be doing, and with whom...).  I might also play around with PLEXUS, PHOENICS, and maybe even write a paper...

Ladies of Laughlin was pretty cool and I even saw a couple of WomenMoto gals that I know (they even deigned to exchange a few words - must be softening in their older ages...)  Eeek!  Did I say that?!  I guess I am more tired than I thought.  The attendance was down quite a bit - it only seemed half as crowded as last year.  I guess the shooting made lots of people think twice about doing motorcycle events.  I simply look at whose company I get to share - such high-quality women are in my bike club!  The rides out and back were a bit tiring, but the conversations were interesting.  Anyway, I don't get to go to the Women On Wheels National Ride-In this year, so Laughlin was my big event, I suppose.

A good friend of mine says keeping a diary online is an opportunity to be 'passive-agressive' because I can write about people - meaning them - behind their backs.  Hmmm... I try to be anonymous about it.  Still, I find it a challenge to say stuff that I consider relevant - like issues for people who were similarly handicapped like me - and those interested in deepening their lives - and not to get this stuff tangled-up with my relationships (friends, lovers, acquaintances, coworkers...).  I don't want to embarrass friends or attempt to reach or coerce friends indirectly by writing about them.  I believe it is better to be straightforward and honest.  If we can't do that, we aren't very good friends, are we?

Geeze, I'm tired - fingers fumbling - can't type...  (*yawn!*)

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April 28:  Well, I am about getting tired of trying to figure out how to express myself here without stepping on anyone's toes.  How the heck do I do it and does it really matter?  OK, I've been in love since the surgery.  I have had friends who have been in love since their surgery.  It's just a whale of a lot harder to be in love when you have a past like mine.  Of course it could be worse.  I put a lot of faith in what I am learning in Alanon.  I have friends who would (and have) ridiculed me for that.  What does one have faith in?  In this life we get to choose.  That is one of the great things about a free society.  I had a friend who spent more than a decade of his life with his mechanical workshop as his primary love relationship.  I remember having my career as a primary love relationship - and also having a marriage.  Lately, I wonder if there was really anything unusually wrong with that marriage.  I used to think it was chronically toxic, but most marriages fail anyway, so maybe it was just normal.  Somehow I got the idea I wanted more.  Intimacy.  A whole greater than the sum of parts.  Stuff like that.  Something keeps us striving for more.  Why is it so elusive?

Hell, I think I am just griping.  You gotta keep believing!

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April 30:  I know this really hot woman...  she makes my heart hold still in the middle of a beat!  Sometimes I just skip and whistle when I think about her.  She is so cute and sweet and intelligent.  Geeze, I wish she wanted me the way I want her.  So I get to taste disappointment again. Hmmm...  I have actually been writing poetry!

It is really crazy what goes on inside my head over her!  I mean, my mind refuses to accept what she says at face value - about NOT wanting a relationship.  Then my mind creates an alternate reality (I assume by some sort of least-squares or spline fit to observable things) and endeavors to act upon that reality.  When I admit this to myself, I begin to wonder why I can't just "go get her," like some folks I have met are able to do.  Hell.

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May 1:  Mayday!  Still Bummed!  Ahhh...  I love being a girl but it can really hurt.  It never hurt like this before.  I'm in love with this really hot chick, but...  Yah, it's the BIG 'BUT' and I don't mean mine!  Come to think of it, it did hurt this way when my ex and I broke up.  Hmmm... does that mean I am processing my "stuff" with my ex through what is happening with hot chick?  Maybe.  Does that make my feelings toward HC vacuous?  I don't think so.  Hmmm.

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May 7:  Whew!  I wonder if that poetry writing jag is over?  I feel it winding down.  It is amazing what love can do to you.  HC took me there for sure.  Right back to where I was with my ex - complete with writing poetry.  Wow.  Love knows no logic and is seldom careful or respectful of your wants or needs.  It simply happens - like an illness or a birth - and you only get to decide what to do with it.  You often pray that the other person will make use of it the way you would have them use it, too.  Love You, HC.

I still can't believe how careful you have to be with a woman's body!  Last night I bought an exercycle at Sportmart and after the fellow loaded it into my El Camino, I jumped into the car and casually yanked the door closed.  I felt the tendons and ligaments of my wrist and hand give way & allow the bones (carpals and metacarpals) to slide over each other and come all out of joint.  I hope I didn't rip a ligament!  This morning I can't even play my guitar.  I guess my muscles are now stronger than the ligaments and tendons - sort of like putting retreaded tires on a sportbike - very bad news.

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May 26:  A weekend of Alanon, friends, comedy, and endings.  That is a funny word, "relationship."  People say, "I don't have a relationship."  Or they may say, "I want or don't want a relationship."  The truth is we have relationships with all other living human beings.

“No man is an Iland, intire of itselfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Manor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.”
                  (MEDITATION XVII., Devotions upon Emergent Occasions by John Donne)

For me, caring usually hurts.  Maybe I need richer, or happier, or more fulfilled, or more mature, or more well-connected friends in my life.  Or maybe my friends are just fine the way they are.  I often feel like apologizing for my depth.  What I really feel is Thank You, and I really don't even know to whom I am speaking my thanks.

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May 30:  Saturday!  The first weekend in a while in which I nothing formal going on.  It feels kind of good to just relax.  Last weekend was the AALA conference and it was quite good.  My friend Pam went with me so that was nice, too.  I hate that alone feeling - which seems to be my personal experience of agoraphobia.  Don't get me started - I know it just doesn't show!  Anyway, nothing formal going on this weekend.  So immediately Life confronts one with issues.  What do I want to do, who do I want to see?  It seems very odd to me - there is a part of me that just wants to be with ALL my friends, but I know that isn't feasible.  Then there is the fearful part of me that is afraid my friends don't really want to be with me.  I hate these feelings but know I must accept and work through them and have faith that my friends will allow me to do so, and that I will be able to work through them, too.

Hey, my rocket launch was canceled!   Yippee!   Now I can go to the Women On Wheels Ride-In in Prescott, Arizona with my Girlfriends!

Why do I want to change so much?  I feel like "Change" should be my middle name.  I feel peculiar that way - do others want to change, too?  It doesn't seem that way to me.  Growing up & for the first half of my life I felt peculiar.  Now I am peculiar again.  Go figure.

The 17th (...what was I going to say...?)

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June 5:  Thursday!   My first "One Day or One Trial" jury duty service.  It was very interesting.  If you make it through the first day of service without getting on a jury, your service is OVER!  At about 2:30PM, after watching "The Matrix," "Signs," and part of "Liar, Liar," the bailiff came out and announced that they knew what the final call was for the day.  We all sat up to listen!  He announced that a trial had transferred from another jurisdiction (which, he had explained that morning, meant it was a very difficult and important trial).  He then said they needed most of the remaining jurors (us!).  Then he said the trial was expected to take 6 weeks and was a "sequestered jury" trial and immediately after selection we would be transported by bus to our hotel where we would check in - and, were there any questions?  The room was ominously silent while everyone was dumbfounded and couldn't even speak.  I was amazed (as was everyone else).  He then smiled, said he was kidding, produced a camera and took a flash picture of us, and that the picture was going to go on his wall.  We all laughed and applauded when he said the truth was that we were being dismissed for the day.  Jury duty was over!  Those Compton folks sure have a sense of humor!

I was thinking - why do people want to be close?  What does close mean?  That is such a good question!  Why do people want to be close?  I am not sure anyone really knows.  Why are people inquisitive?  Why do people get satisfaction or a thrill out of success?  Why do people enjoy being creative?  Why do people care about each other?  Why do people want intimacy in its different forms: physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and ???  I do know one thing - people want these - people need these - without these things parts of people are eroded or killed.  Babies outright die without affection.  Try as we may to reason away these aspects of our basic humanness, these needs remain.  Some hide them from others, some from themselves, some both.  Some (like me) are afraid.

I think we may know these things better in the coming decades and centuries.  A few short centuries ago, we had no idea why people needed certain foods to avoid things like scurvy or rickets.  Now we know about metabolism and vitamins.

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June 9:  Monday!  How does one come to terms with having long fingernails on only one hand?  Hmmm...  This morning I was pulling my 'scooter out of the garage, getting ready to head in to work (in an above-the-knee jean skirt & nylons) when my muffler fell off my motorscooter.  Hmmm...  More challenges in this life.  One of the bolts holding the headpipe to the head was gone.  No immediate fix for that.  So I stuffed the other bolt in a pocket and jumped on my motorcycle.  (At least the motorcycle is in one piece.)  Luckily the skirt arrangement was still street legal on my legs (barely - so to speak).  Not much crash protection with nylons.  On the way home I bought some new elastic for my dirtbike knee protectors so I can wear them, as well as a new head bolt (for the scooter).  Scooter muffler now reassembled.

Some meditation time this evening.  Lots of difficult images - corresponding to difficult feelings?  I dunno - this is my first time being 47 with the past I have.  Hmmm...  Maybe things will become clearer in time.  Higher Power has a plan.  Just for today - let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.  Just for today I am KO.  (Do I sound confident?)

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June 12:  I just got my guitar back from the repair shop - very cool.  And I am still adding to my list of poems.  It's great being a gerl.  OK, so romance didn't turn out quite the way my heart wanted it to turn out...  at least I got to explore the poems.  I remember reading a question, "Would there always be poetry?"  The answer was, "Yes, as long as remain unsayable things needing to be said."  Yep.  I understand that now.

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June 15:  What an exhausting weekend!  Good things, bad things; Life.  It was amazing visiting my friends Amanda and Kresti.  Charlie and Stacey are new friends and it was so much fun talking that I can't stand it.  I think we must have all been very good friends, or even sisters, in a previous life.  What do I do with this wealth of feelings?  It is almost too much to stand.  I went to a Vox Femina concert (they will be on KCET's Life And Times on June 18th) and a new friend who is one of the founding members said I should try out - to join them.  It is so exciting to think that I might sing again with a real choral ensemble - it has been over 20 years!    It is also exciting to think I just might connect musically with Amanda and Stacey.

I think we must believe.  Everyone tells me so - this weekend was a good example.  Keep believing.

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June 20:  How can my thoughts get so damn messed up?  It simply amazes me.  I'll tell you how: relationships.

I wonder if there are people who have such rigid thought processes that they are unaffected or undisturbed by emotional events around them?  I suppose there are...  is that preferable, or just another way of being a human?  Rigidity in thoughts patterns can be a burden when change is required, as often is the case in this life.  On the other hand, rigidity in thought patterns can be a bulwark through the storms of life.  Hmmm...  Perhaps balance is the the unifying idea here.

Suppose someone had such rigid thought patterns that they were immune to the pain caused by romantic tumult?  This person might develop a way to appreciate or even enjoy watching others feel hurt in response to their manipulation of the parameters of the relationship.  They themselves wouldn't feel any pain, but they could watch the emotional story play out in the other person's responses to their pain.  They might even feel justified in doing so because it would allow them insight into the other person, or would give them a sense of control (and therefore safety) in the relationship.

A lot of trouble in life comes from feeling a need for control of life.  Nobody knows this better than an Alanon'er like me.  BUT - an analogy: Life can be like surfing or riding a motorcycle: A surfer or a motorcycle rider do not control their rides - this causes crashes - rather, they balance and finesse the forces of nature to achieve the desired direction.  So it is with relationships.  Shall I ride my dirt bike on your Seca track?  Will you take your street bike on a mountain trail?  There are limits to any analogy, I guess.

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June 21:  Decided to take today off, too.  I didn't go on an all day motorcycle ride because it felt too important to take today to be with me.  I guess you might say I am straightening out my thoughts.  Things get all too tangled-up inside when all I do is go, and go, and go...  A few hours in the evening once in a while just isn't enough.  I think this must be the issue with workaholism in general - not that I am a workaholic - but I do get carried away.  I have a very responsible, creative, and demanding job.  I miss hanging out with the Iron Angels, especially D., E., D., D., L., and L. - among the others.  Still, in a couple of weeks I will be going to the Women On Wheels Ride-In, so I will get to be with them - I will fill up on their love then! :-)

So, F.W.I.W., after spending some time with myself, I can see a few things:

1)  Thank God I'm a girl.
2)  I'm OK with what Higher Power gives me.
3)  I have issues with abandonment that may well last a lifetime, although they will get better and better as I take personal responsibility for them and deal with them (both in and out of relationships)
4)  Some people will not be able to "handle" a relationship at a given level with me because of my issues, and that's OK.
5)  Some people whom I Love will not be able to give me what I need, and that is OK, too.
6)  I want to be attracted, really attracted, to my lover's mind, soul, spirit, and body in a relationship.

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June 29:   It's funny how some folks just stop talking to you!  This has happened to me quite a bit in the last few years, and it goes up and down.  In 2003 this has happened several times.  (I have a friend who would probably use this statement as an opportunity to criticize me...  Sheesh.  I think criticizing others is a lame way to hide from our own problems.)

The pink Rhino in the living room - nobody talks about the Obvious Issue(s).  It really makes me feel semi-insane - like I am the only one to see these things.  One friend explained it to me, "This is just the way my family does it."  It is the way my family does it, too.  My mother had only one brother.  To my knowledge, she never spoke to him the entire time I have been alive - until he died, even.  She never mentioned anything about him.  My family operates this way.  I think a big chunk of the Human Race operates this way.  Fundamentally, I think it is why we have wars, and what helps keep a large number of people in poverty and even slavery.  But on a personal level, it makes us crazy.  Most of us are too crazy from believing falsehood we often might not even recognize the truth.

I have heard the definition of crazy as, "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."  (If a family wants love, why is it continuing to do the same isolation?)  I think a good definition of crazy is everyone agreeing to pretend things are different than they actually are.  Sort of like reality doesn't exist.

Am I pre-menopausal?

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July 14:

A kiss that seems just yesterday.
I didn't know you saw me as creative.
I didn't know you meant that much to me.

Etched forever on my mind.

I didn't know I had two grandchildren,
we shared - - - you reminded me.
How can your light be so pure?
As I stand tossed upon the sea.

You know that woman I was in love with just a while ago?   What a royal bitch.   It didn't matter how nice I tried to be.   On the last two overnight rides with the Iron Angels she used 4-letter words on me!   Of course she did it when nobody else was around so she wouldn't blow her cover as the new darling lesbian of the club.   It makes me not want to ride with the Iron Angels but I have other people I like there....   Now this is a pain.   A friend in the club suggested I ignore her.   Being rude is not like me, though.    It isn't the person I want to become.

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July 18:  I can't believe how big this file is getting!  I guess a lot is going on this year.  I certainly go through phases of feeling totally overwhelmed.  Still haven't hit the relationship "big time."  I guess Higher Power has a lot for me to learn before I get to engage in that.  Today I am feeling overwhelmed.  I should be at work collecting data - but I have a commitment at OutFest as a volunteer at 1 PM.  Then I will be seeing two films with two friends...  Hopefully I can get my act together and collect some data today!

The biggest news comes from my ex wife!  We have exchanged several very loving letters in the last couple of months.  I can't believe it - it takes my breath away (literally).  I would have never believed this could have happened.  Over and over in the last 6 years in Alanon I have heard personal stories from people of their recovery and reconnection with their past - ex-spouses, children, and family seemingly long lost to them.  I knew I had to be in Alanon because of my own family dysfunction - I wanted it to stop with my generation - but I truly believed my own past was too dysfunctional to be recovered by something like Alanon.  I was wrong.  I guess part of the reason I feel disoriented is because this basic belief of mine is being proved wrong.  It seems that in time I will be able to reconnect with my children and grandchildren.  It is truly frightening to me because it is truly unknown.

I have been working very hard on a song by Garnet Rogers - It is about a person looking into the past at a loved one who is gone - perhaps dead - and I connect with it deeply.  We loose so many in this life!  I ache.  All my life has been loss, and my tiny family used the threat of loss to control people.  It is a way I no longer want to be.  Reconnecting with my ex has shown me that there are different kinds of loss, and different ways to relate to this loss and that some losses are not really losses.

I have friends who have large families and have no idea what I am talking about, maybe.

Just the fact that I have friends is wonderful.

Anyway, time to get going.  For now, my life is enough - too full in some aspects.  I was thinking of going back to college for a MS in Math, friends are encouraging me to try out for Vox Femina, going back for a degree in music, practicing my guitar, and on top of all that is my reconnection with my ex.  A very heady and EXHAUSTING time for me.  Any one of these things could fill a life by itself.

Dear girl, kind lady, woman,
Are you sad today,
Feeling life is passed away?

I have found it is still there,
Under the weight of each day's care,
All piled up, and unrepaired,
To form a mountain, unaware.

Within; seek the Fire,
Take good care,
Fuel the Joy,
Seek to share.
Passion's answer,
To your care.

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July 21:  My knee has been bothering me for a few days - maybe because of the hot&humid spell we have been having.  Friday I was volunteering for OutFest, when I dropped my purse from my motorcycle and before I could turn around and fetch it, someone grabbed it and ran off.  Downtown LA is sure an insane place!  I spent the weekend crying and trying to get everything done I needed to - canceling accounts, cards, checks, new drivers license, etc.  Did you know your social security number is often used by health care plans as your member number?  If so, then it is probably in YOUR purse, too.  Best not to carry the original card, if that's the case!

As God would have it, I had taken my keys and cell phone out of my purse - so I wasn't totally incapacitated.  I went through a protracted session of, "Why me, God?" and also the good old, "What are you trying to tell me?"  Of course, the answer here is always, "Well, life just happens."  What I learned is that I can still cope after all these years.  It also occurred to me that just maybe it is time to let go of some past things.  I don't know.  I seem to hold on to friends mentally who really aren't there for me.

Friday I canceled a couple of accounts and put holds on cheques.  Saturday I got my temporary replacement license.  Sunday I couldn't do anything, and today I got 4 registrations taken care of (in cluding a pesky name change!), a new Auto Club card, and a new account number at the credit union.  I called some friends on Saturday and asked to borrow a few bucks since I had no access to any money with my plastic shut off.  I got their answering machine, and do you know, they still haven't returned my call?  At Alanon on Sunday I shared with the group, a really sweet woman at the meeting, by the name of D.J., came up to me at the break and slipped me $20.  Friendship is a funny thing.  It is often very different from what it appears.

Adult Content Warning...
On a completely different subject - did I tell you how different "horny" feels for a girl?  It's like night and day.  I can be completely horned-out and not even be aware of it.  For instance, I might think I just have gas...  Of course, once one realizes one is actually horny, it can swoop down and completely take over.  Then rutting - and being rutted - is all that matters.  Spins your head right around!  (That was my public service message for today to all preop's and brand-new postop's out there...)

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July 29:  I just watched "The Other Sister."  Oh my GOD what a movie.  A developmentally disabled daughter of a wealthy, prominent family grows up and falls in love with another developmentally disabled person.  All the trouble the family goes through.  In a way, we are all a little bit developmentally disabled, and have to struggle with our families and our lives.  Some more than others.  I can identify with it at work, where I am surrounded by geniuses and near-genuises.  On a day like today I have exhausted my brain at work - and realize I will never get better than I am now.  I won't be prettier or sexier or smarter or younger or more attractive.  But that is life.  And that's how I identified with her and it made me cry.

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August 2:  Wasting another morning!  I should be riding on the 'Crest.  I should be reassembling my XL600 engine with my grandson's help.  I should be at work getting AMI ready.  I should be doing wavelet research.  I should be measuring flame temperature with a laser scattering.  I should be talking to Dominique.  I should be talking to Mary (but at least I wrote her a letter).  I should be out of debt so I can help my children build their futures.

But at least today I am loving myself.  That is the foundation for what Life is Really About.  They knew this fact thousands of years ago and haven't done any better over the centuries (modern psychology notwithstanding): "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

Another good movie: "Bagger Vance" - to me it seems a tad contrived, but it made me cry anyway.  In the western world we forget that life is an unfathomable mystery.  We ignore this and try to keep busy, preoccupied, and hide from that fact, using lots of "toys" and stupid ideas, like getting rich, finding romance, and creating chaos in our lives - maybe even good things like setting awesome goals, or working very hard.  But when we do these things to avoid the gaping, yawning, infinite mystery of being human and alive and just here - we are "missing a terribly important part of the Journey..."

May we all reach enlightenment together.
May we overcome the Tribalism that is killing us.
May we stop replacing our innate Human Needs with the lust for Things.

(and my own personal prayer...)
May we embrace and honor the inner landscape of our Self.

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October 11:   Whew!   It has been pretty exciting and stressful with Vox Femina.   The level of singing is the highest I have attempted in my life, and that with a cold-start from not having seriously done any singing in a couple of decades!   Still, it is very good.   I baked some cookies and took them to a practice and made friends with people.   That is good :-)   Last Wednesday we sang with the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles at the ribbon cutting ceremony for the new LGBT Services Center at UCLA!   It was amazing to meet all the queer college kids - they were really amazing.  Sheila Keuhl was there, too. Vox Femina sings at Immanuel Presbyterian Church on Wilshire in Los Angeles.   It is an amazing place to visit weekly for the practices!   Inside it has many ornate rooms, hallways, chapels, and even a complete gymnasium!   When I go for practices, there are always kids & parents coming down from soccer practice in the gym.   Last Thursday we sight-read a new piece specifically written for Vox Femina and the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles.   They are a pretty amazing group of men & singers. My newest inspiration for singing are the groups KITKA and Madrigaia.   They are AWESOME!!!   I hope and pray I can sing like that and be part of a group like that.   If Vox Femina could get to where the GMCLA is it would be wonderful

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October 19:  Wow what a week!!!    We were supposed to observe the last Titan-II launch a DMSP satellite from Vandenberg on Wednesday, but it dragged on to Thursday, Friday, and then finally launched on Saturday.   It is very, very hard to keep complicated scientific instruments up and running that long out in the field.   As exhausting as it all was, it made a nice change of routine although I missed two important practices with Vox Femina.  

I find myself being attracted to women around me again.   I tell myself it is normal - but I still feel like I *should* be attracted to someone who is attracted to *me* - not just to random women around me.   Maybe that is just part of being human.   How do you tell someone who says they are attracted to you that you aren't attracted to them?   Can you be friends?   I hate being in this position, all I can do is turn it over to my Higher Power, and wait for inspiration and listen for guidance.   It is a great blessing that I have begun to really appreciate being with myself.   Now I don't experience those fearful, desperate feelings when I am alone.   That means, I suppose, that I am less likely to dive headlong into relationships that will be toxic for me.   The other side of the coin is, of course, can I find a relationship at all?   A relationship that I really want?   I couldn't say what the answer to that one will be...   But I hope it comes soon.   For now, I can enjoy myself, and my new Vox sisters, my new chance to do music, my new voice, my work, and just life itself.   (Now, let's see, where did I put that vibrator?)

I don't know why I speculate on these things - but I was told that the Board of Vox Femina considered whether or not a transgendered person could fit into Vox.   The answer was a qualified "yes."   Now, this dialog appeared to happen about the time a friend said I should try out.   So, either I was, or I wasn't the cause of this dialog - and the latter is quite a coincidence.   If a coincidence, why was I the one to benefit from it?   Life is amazing.   Either way it is an honor.

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One exciting turn of events is that I placed a new picture in my online personal ad and had a couple of hits.   That is the picture on the left.   I actually chatted with a woman today who seems very nice.   We are going to meet on Friday for coffee.   She is a lawyer and that is very interesting.   She doesn't do trial law, but is more of a legal advisor for the company she is employed with.   She is extremely cute, but sounded kinda serious on the phone.   Hmmm... I hope she was just nervous or something. I haven't told her about my past.   I think to do that would be to place more into the relationship than is actually there.   Heck, we aren't even friends yet!   It is exciting to finally get a hit after all these years.   The photo appears to be an important part of meeting people...  I guess that isn't too odd since first impressions are so important to meeting people.   I do get the feeling that she is after a sexual relationship - but I don't want to be judgmental.   I am not after casual sex - my last attempt at that with D. resulted in disaster!  Well, *I* wasn't after casual sex, but I am pretty sure she was, at least with me. I have met people online (and in real life - but you meet many more of them online!) who seem to live their lives that way, though.   They seem to compartmentalize their relationship needs.   There are: 1) people they have sex with, and 2) people they are intimate with (whom they may or may not also have sex with) - and these are two quite different groups of people!   That just boggles my mind!   I found out (the hard way) that I can't do that.   I feel the truth of the modern scientific thought: Sex is part of a larger emotional structure in humans which encompasses intimacy and social bonding.   I think breaking them up results in some sort of social pathology - probably related to the PTSD and the Addictive Outlook on life that pervades post-modern American culture.

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Omigosh!   Tomorrow night is my first concert with Vox Femina!!   I am spending the evening doing my nails, laundry, hair, and imagining the sound of the music and words we will be singing: "Asikhatali noma si boshwa, Sizimisel' inkululeko..." "It doesn't matter if you should jail us, we are free and kept alive by hope..."

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So the feelings of lonliness seemed to come from not having any kindred spirits in my life - I feel like I am an alien orphan searching for others of my kind here.   That is actually a colorful fantasy that my INFJ brain uses to enshroud and express the actuality of my childhood parental abandonment.   That hurts a lot - that pain.   But that pain is what is called "legitimate suffering" - the true pain of actual life events - like disease, war, accidents, etc.   It is very sane (and necessary) to feel our legitimate suffering.   I have read most people (especially in American, consummerist, popular culture) try to avoid *any* suffering in their lives.   In trying to avoid legitamate suffering they use drugs, alcohol, or whatever, to "mask" the pain of their legitimate suffering.   This results in neurotic pain because in reality, pain is a necessary part of life.   Pain can not be avoided.   Neurotic pain is bigotry, hatred, alcoholism, compulsive behavior, shame, self-hatred...   Now that I think about it, I wonder what my pain about last night is really telling me?   I think it's telling me I need to be more connected.   I guess time will tell.

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December 6:   It's amazing how the time flies.   Well, I tried meeting a couple of people online.   It sure is a pain.   It seems like most of the people there are on some sort of scam mission - maybe married - maybe just looking to swing or something.   I guess I still have a lot of work to do to loose that little background feeling of desperation - like I will not have the kind of love I want ever again.   I think we can question life to the point of loosing our perspective.   I guess I am just going to have to accept that I am a pain that way - that I loose perspective.

Tonight I will be helping sell CD's at a Sweet Honey In The Rock concert.   They are friends of Vox Femina.   I wonder if I will get to meet any of them?   I wonder if I will be too frightened to talk or if I will be able to have a decent conversation (and make a good impression) if I *do* talk to them?   I wonder if I will be able to be myself, or if I will be afraid when I try to help tonight?   I guess we will see!

December 10:   It's been emotionally rough at Vox practices.   I feel like I am not really accepted yet.   I don't like nor want to feel that way - but for some reason I don't laugh and giggle and talk the way the other women seem to and I don't know what to do about it.   It's like I never learned to be that way and I so much want to be.   My friend L noticed that I wasn't feeling well and asked me about it.   That felt really nice, but I don't like dwelling on bad feelings so I wasn't sure about whether or not to talk to her.   Hell, I am not sure I should even be putting this in here!   Well, I guess we all need to talk once in a while.   I hope these feelings go away.   I guess I will never fit in with some crowds, and I guess I just have to accept certain things.   But how do we make up our minds on what to accept and what not to?

December 12:   I was listening to the music, Kindred Spirits, which we will be singing with GMCLA in just over a week, this morning.   It reminded me of something:  our brains evolved in the tribulation of the stone age - eat or be eaten - and usually both.   Their normal function is to deal with trouble in life.  What do we do as Americans living in the "lap of luxury" - everyone knows we struggle to be happy!  Our brains need to deal with trouble just like our bodies need constant exercize or else they deteriorate.  So we make trouble for ourselves - or actually, we go looking for trouble where there isn't any, and thus create it.

You know, it makes me think... (hah!  I don't do enough of that)   There is a new trouble - the trouble of No Trouble.   The trouble of Self.  The trouble of dealing with Soul Sickness.  What is sickness?  It is the response to things not being as they should with our life - our bodies, our minds, our spirits.  Well, we all have a sickness - the sickness of craving for the pain of the stone age to deal with.  So we fight just to be fighting.  How do we loose this sickness as a race?  How do we learn to live together?  Will someone invent a miracle cure for this particular sickness, like antibiotics or imunizations?  Or will we have to recognize this need within ourselves and learn it is each and every one's responsibility to deal with their own sickness - just like it is each and every one's responsibility to look after their own health.

I really don't want to be such a preacher - I really don't!!  But it is tough being a visionary - you feel called to share your vision with people.  Pain.  Well, I am all excited about the way my research is going, but I totally miss the Iron Angels.  I haven't seen them in such a long time.  I crave another weekend pajama party with my activity partners there, but I am afraid that may be gone.  It's funny how live moves on.  I hope it isn't that way - they meant so much to me.  I can't believe I have put almost 25,000 miles on my Magna since I bought it only a year and a half ago.  I haven't done a single tune up to it - just change the oil & filters - new tires and, oh ya, a new chain and sprocket.  Honda's ROCK.

Well, Sunday I get to met a possible new friend from an online dating service.  It should be interesting.  The last time I did that (a few weeks ago) I thought it was going well, but she wrote me and said she wasn't interested...   Hmmm.   I guess I need to learn to read the signals better!  It always makes me wonder, but the truth is most folks you meet aren't going to be interested!! 

December 13:   Exercizing this morning - I GOTTA GET A LIFE - I really do...   Well, I am just one of those "internal" types and one of the pitfalls of being that is that as I enjoy my inner life, sometimes odd things occur to me, like this letter to someone I was in love with for a while:

This morning I am exercizing and listening to some World Music, including the tunes "Grain de mil" and "En filant ma quenouille" and I thought of you.   You probably don't know that I'm a Myers-Briggs type INFJ:

http://www.typetango.com/glossary_infj.php
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

...and as such live in the realm of ideas and intuition, and the memory of my feelings for you are there.   I remember reading the concept of sharing with others why things didn't work out, and I thought of telling you.   I'm pretty sure you don't, won't, or can't care about that.   I thinght, "I love you, but I don't want what your parents had, so you would would have to be ready to grow beyond your parent's relationship paradigm to connect with me, and you are not."  

Why would I want to tell you this?   A very good friend of mine would tell me not to even communicate with you because of the way we split up.   But, loving you, I want the best for you - so I tell you, in this, probably pointless, email.   Or maybe some part of me that clings to what cannot be hopes for something that will not happen.   Ya, that's probably it.   I shouldn't send this letter.   I would honor myself by not trying to interfere with whatever path you are on.   I certainly haven't much to teach you or you would be my friend.   But I was hearing French this morning and thought of you.  

(Just thought I would try something different)

There.  Now I don't have to send it to her!  I sometimes wonder about these things.   Should I practice dismissing these thoughts?   I think I am loosing control of my mind.   As I work on my research using my talent for insight and global interconnectedness, I find myself drifting away from the external and mundane.   I hope it isn't progressing.   It's the price I pay to be creative in my job.   Another price I pay is being overly analytical.   I need to learn to have fun.   Does anyone have A Clue for sale, cheap?  

I asked a friend at work to take the Myers-Briggs test and he got scared!   Wow - I don't get it about some people.   I guess dyed-in-the-wool Extroverts are probably actually afraid of the inner journey!   So looking inside like that terrifies them on some level.  

I'm off on a motorcycle ride this morning.   I LOVE riding my motorcycle!   Hmmm...   I wonder if I should give Patty a call....   Hmmm...   Hmmm...   She's so cute and intelligent...   She said she liked motorcycles....   Hmmm...   Hmmm...   Oh My! - It's exciting and scary being a lesbian!!!!!!!!

I really should be practicing my music for next weekend's concert with the GMCLA...  I really should!   But I am doing my hair.    Hmmm...  

December 14:   So I recently found out there are a YOUNG TON of folks out there doing these kinds of online journals, 'cept they call 'em BLOGS...

KO, I can git with the programme...   Today was interesting for me.  I was all set to meet this blue-eyed soft butch honey - and I did meet her.   Her name was (and still is) about the finest lesbian name you can think of: JJ (or was it KJ ...  maybe DJ???)   She turned out to be this totally insightful psychic woman who could instantly (after only a few minutes) tell that we didn't deserve to get to be friends of any sort.   It really was amazing to see such a great mind at work.   I sure wish I had that kind of insight about life!   It is just amazing how some people just KNOW these things.   Well, it didn't really bother me because LAST week another person I met online displayed the same amazing insight - a little slower, though.   About two hours it took Dela to "close the door"...   Do I sound a little BITTER?   Not really...   After Dela I was hurt - I am just not used to how shallow some folks are - but I figured I'd better be more careful with JJ.   And I was.   That helped alot - I walked away with a grin and felt fine...   I was on the way to my meeting - and  Ms P.   was going to be there...

'Cept I was sad a few hours later.   There is this totally cute hunny at a meeting I attend (the aforementioned "P") and I think she likes me and I have been wanting to ask her if she wants to take a ride on my motorcycle with me.   I feel like I just want to talk to her, you know?   I am not sure whether or not feeling that way is pathetic or sweet.   I guess it doesn't matter.   I feel like I want to get to know her but I have exactly no real idea how to go about that - she is so cute and witty and smart - I can barely keep up with her!   She has this awesome smile and quick wit

I had taken two helmets to the meeting each time for the last few weeks hoping to get the confidence to ask her...  but of course, it RAINED (...and excuses don't get much better than that, by the way).   So today I carried the extra helmet into the meeting.   I couldn't let it get wet strapped to the back of my bike (if it DID rain...), now, could I?   Well, partly I took it in just to, well, just because.   (Nobody asked me why I had two helmets and I kinda dumped them in the corner.)   Turns out I couldn't ask her after all - my gut just failed me.   I stood there staring at the helmets and couldn't ask.   So I went to the potty instead.  Dumb, dumb.   When I went back to the meeting room, a few folks were yakking and I looked around for her - she was gone.   I looked out the windows and her car was gone.

Well, being the wellspring of self-confidence that I am, I called her this evening.   "WAY TO GO PATTIMICHELLE!!!" <= me congratulating myself   

Well, it isn't nearly that awesome - I called with an excuse, to complain about being sad.   Can you BELIEVE how lame that was?   Well, it isn't that bad - I shared at the meeting I had met JJ and been blown off, but that I wasn't sad.   So I was sorta admitting to her I was sad after all...  and that is kinda a friendly thing to do, isn't it?   But, anyway, we got past that lame intro - I mentioned I brought two helmets to the meeting today and she said she noticed (!!!).   (I was very surprised - I really didn't think she, or anyone else, did!)   She said she was jazzed and wanted to go with, so we decided to try to hook up for coffee next Tuesday when I am on her side of LA.   I can't tell what I feel - I am smiling, though!   Smiling, smiling, smiling, tum - tee -dummm...   

"Oh, Ms. Gorman - can you fax me some self confidence - right away?"   I will need a double dose before next Tuesday, if you please.   (Glad you had fun on the Islands, by the way)

	Just add hot water, turn on the jets, and PURRRRRRRrrrrrr.......... (Is it obvious I just love a jacuzzi??)

.   How do you decide who you want?  (change of subject!)   I guess I am stressed about meeting P tonight!   She is SOOOOO cute.   I guess if we don't "get" each other, then we don't get each other - it's that simple.   My tendency is to overthink or something - to get distracted somehow - and get frustrated and irritable.   Now I'm wondering if I am "messing with my own head" here.   Deb (a friend) said not to read subtext into stuff - I guess she means that sometimes we project into others - like we say "she likes me" when she is just being polite, and we start to envision stuff, like "happily ever after" into something that is just a "butterfly interlude."  

MY problema especial (well, not totally unique, probably) is that I sort of get lost in my thoughts and emotions - in my "inner world."   I think it may be my way of sabotaging myself - like I don't believe I am good enough or don't deserve a good relationship or am acting out my anger toward my parent's abandonment of me within the context of a current situation.   Messy - I kinda hate that!   GEEZE!   WHY do I have to be so DEEEEEP!!!!!!?????!!!!!!  

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!

 

 

  

Am I bored or what??   :-\

Did you know that commercial leg-wax is actually boiled sugar & stuff, and comes from Spain?

Did the world dry up and blow away while I wasn't looking?   ...I haven't even had SPAM email tonight!!

My next door neighbor just made dinner for his roommate, me, and a visitor who showed up.   It was wonderful and I ate too much - Miso soup, eel, bok-choi - mmmmmmmm.   Deliciouso!  Gay men are interesting folks.    (I contributed a little rice and broiled salmon.)   OOPS!   Gotta run into work...


PattiMichelle