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   Patti's Online Diary (2002)

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January 13, 2002:  Happy New Year!  It was a pretty good New Year eve for me - I hung out with Karlyne and her friends.  It was a little hard for me because my Alanon issues kept kicking in (why do I do this to myself?) but overall it was memorable.  We were at Paddy's in Ventura, which is 'officially' a 'leather bar,' but we didn't see any, and there were a lot of women.   (I even got Karlyne up to dance, which was a trick because I was still on crutches!)

I have been crazy busy at work trying to get an experiment apparatus built, integrated and running.  This results in looooong weekends at work.  One nice thing that has happened is that I found a good 'gay Alanon' group in the Glendale area.  It feels nice to be with people like me rather than hiding.  In fact, I am heading out that way to my Sunday morning meeting in just a few minutes...  whatever will I wear???  (seriously!)

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February 15:  I am so excited: I finally found an Alanon sponsor.  At my Sunday Morning gay Alanon meeting in Atwater Village, one of the women said she was available, so I asked her to be my sponsor and she said yes!  Now I am all nervous about the process of actually relating to a sponsor.  Life is funny that way - you really, really want something then when you get it, you are all nervous or excited or upset.

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February 24:  What a busy week!  No time to write until now - first some background...  Some folks who know me say I can be a visionary - I see things that aren't there...  Like having The Vagina Monologues at the South Bay LGBT Center.  Well, I did have that vision and I took it to Santa Monica City College, and Kati responded, "Yes."  THEN... I took it to Shelly, who took it to the Board of the South Bay Center, who also said, "Yes" - then a lot of wonderful volunteers helped and last Saturday at 7:40 PM we had The Vagina Monologues at the South Bay Center for the first time to a nearly sold out house!  It was wonderful and scary and stressful and exciting because, not only did we raise money for the 1736 Family Crisis Center, a Hermosa Beach shelter for battered women and their children, but we were part of V-Day, which is a worldwide event to stop violence against women.  It was wonderful, hard, frightening and I am so very glad I could be the one to start it and that wonderful folks at the South Bay Center (Shelly, Lisa, Coffee George, Gayle, Bakery Boy Dan, and many others whose names I unfortunately do not know) could pull it off with only a few weeks notice!

Now, what can I do next...? LOVE YOU!!!!  (and thanks, OK?)

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March 8:  The Vagina Monologues was a success!  We did raise over $500 and half of that went to the 1736 Family Crisis Center.  Eek!  Now I have gotten involved with another project - the 17th AALA Conference in West Hollywood.  I am part of a fundraising committee.  Somebody stop me - I am doing too much!  Seriously, it is OK but I probably DO need a vacation soon.  That's a good idea, now that I think about it.  I was thinking about going to Dinah Shore again this year, this time by myself, but I couldn't get a room - they're all booked up!  Well, maybe something will change about that, you never know.

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April 12:   It's almost tax time and I am doing mine, last minute.  Lately I have been mucking around inside me and finding a lot of left over stuff that I have no idea what to do with.  It's pretty yukky stuff!  You know, skeleton-in-the-closet time.  What a drag, and here I was thinking all my problems would be fixed when I got through fixing my gender!  Well, I knew they wouldn't, but you know, it is easy to think of problems when they are far off - but when they are right *here* - they have a way of seeming overwhelming.  Well, I guess that is why I am in therapy still and doing Alanon.

The nice thing is that now I actually have a few friends (hi Andrea, Karlyne, and Joanne!).  I never had that before.  We don't choose some stuff in this life - it chooses us.  Like being born in an alcoholic family with post-traumatic-stress disorder.  Like being born the wrong sex.  Oh, well, keep slogging along!

Tomorrow is a motorcycle ride with the Iron Angels.  Pretty cool.  In a few weeks, Ladies of Laughlin.

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April 16:  Well, if you're reading this then you survived tax time, good for you!  They didn't take me away either.  There is lots of fun stuff happening at work for me this week:  I am giving some tours to classes of folks learning about my company - I am showing them my laboratory.  Then I will be briefing one of the vice presidents of our company on how my research is going.  THEN - we will be having a big celebration of Diversity at the company.  Hmmm...  THAT one is a little frustrating since a lot of folks seem to have more interest in their own careers than Diversity, or doing their jobs!  But I have to fight cynicism (including my own) wherever it shows up, so I can't complain.

Geeze, I love being a girl!

Oh, ya, that yucky stuff inside me is still there, but I am talking about it to my therapist.  Hmmm, hmmm.

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April 20:  Omigosh!  Last night was so hard for me.  Just when you think it is safe to go back into the waters of life...   I went out with my friend JoAnne to Escapades, which is a really cool gay bar.  We have gone there together a few times.  She met a really cute butch gal and I was ogling this cute femme.  After she met a woman, I began to feel badly because I realized she was able to do that and I didn't feel that way.  Hmmm...  then it escalated until I was questioning myself and going to a really dark place - that same old thing that the gay community doesn't embrace women like me.  The next thing I know, pain swelled up inside me and I am telling JoAnne that I "used to be a guy" (I never was, really, just stuck in that body) and she said she already knew.  What a self deflating bubble that was.  The big reason I was going to my Sunday gay alanon meeting was because I thought, hoped, I was being accepted as a lesbian.  Fantasized about it is probably more accurate I now realize.  I cried and cried - there was snot running down my upper lip as I rode home on my motorcycle.  I have to admit I did some really stupid driving because of the mixture of pain and anger inside me at the time.  As luck or fate would have it, I am home safe and sound, thought a bit disillusioned.

I was thinking a lot this morning about this dilemma.  Of course, it would be better if I could somehow validate myself instead of looking for acceptance to do that.  In a way it is demanding a lot from others to need them to validate me.  I am not sure what to do.  I guess, as JoAnne would say, More Will Be Revealed.  For now, how do I grow beyond this?  Higher Power, what do I need to do?

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June 7:  Hmmm...  I guess I have been really busy so I haven't written much.  Well, I have been up to a lot - learning to be "just friends" with my Karlyne, going to Escapades with JoAnne, working my steps with Danielle, going to the gay AA/Alanon conference, and getting better.  I had a very good time the last time I went to Escapades, which I take as a sign of growth - less drama in my life.  I am starting on Step 3.  I have been working quite a lot with ALA trying to bring my company into the 21st century on use of Diversity.  And totally busy at work trying to do my lab experiments and create a new instrument to help us study the ozone layer.  Gosh, that DOES sound like a full plate, now that I type it out!

My friend Andrea tells me she has a crush on me.  Wow.  I feel happy and honored and it brings up my past and my deep feelings.  Hmmm.  It is really confusing me and I am trying to "go with the flow" - but my sponsor tells me I should take a year off from dating and get to know myself and my recovery in Alanon - that it will be better for me in the long run.  She says I don't have any business engaging someone else on the feelings level when I am so uncertain of myself - it will cause hurt.  She says that it is more important for me to concentrate on friendships at this time - to getting a good support network of friends around me before starting into a relationship.  Of course, with Alanon, it is always "take what you like and leave the rest."  So I guess I get to choose what I do in response to Danielle's comments.

I will be visiting Washington over the 4th of July weekend - thanks Andrea!  One of my first trips that is just a vacation :-)  It will also be a chance to consider what Danielle has been telling me.

I have heard that one of the troubles a lot of transsexuals have is reorganizing their feelings - reinterpreting them.  The feelings are so new it is easy to become confused.  I still haven't really figured out what sex is to me yet.  Or even if it can be possible with another person.  This is the danger we face as Humans when we try something brand new.  I guess it would be nice if there were some more lore about what it is like being a transsexual female - there is so much confusion.  Maybe all that is needed is support - and social acceptance - there is little of that in society and our families give us so little, too.

Tomorrow is a motorcycle ride with the Iron Angels.  It should be fun.  I found a few really cute tops at Out Of The Closet store.  I think I am going to wear one that is really sweet - a lavender spaghetti strap knit gathered under the breasts.  THAT should be interesting!  I wonder who will be on the ride?  Anyone I can bond with?  Of course there will be guys - hmmm...  I wonder if there will be any dykes?  I wonder if I should send out an email to the group offering to meet beforehand for breakfast?

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June 21:   That motorcycle ride was so-so.  There were some ladies along from another club, and they didn't seem too terribly interested in getting to know us.  Maybe next time!  The scenery along our route was absolutely beautiful.  I am SO glad I got my knee fixed - it is wonderful to be able to walk and ride without worrying about pain.

This morning I am thinking about how we need each other.  It's lonely and sometimes scary living in these skulls.  I had a nice chat with Andrea, which helped me organize my viewpoint so I have a better perspective.  That is one important thing we do for each other.  I had an awful time at work with some software I am responsible for failing completely at T-30 seconds of the simulated countdown - what an awful thing.  I will sure be up late working on that!!

Outfest is coming up!  I am excited - that is always lots of fun.  Also this weekend is the Christopher St. West Pride Parade, and the LA Dyke March.

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July 13:   Well, OutFest is here!  I've seen a couple of really good sets of short films with a lesbian theme.  I also got a friend to go along with me.  Very cool.  Before seeing a film we checked out The Normandie Club in West Hollywood.  There are sure a lot of pretty women there!

On the 4th of July, I was in Washington DC, visiting my very dear friend Andrea.  I had a really great time, and got to meet her friends Jeff and The Yorg.  We ate at Amie's near DuPont Circle, the gay district of DC.  It was very nice.  Before that we rode the metro into DC and walked through the Smithsonian Air and Space museum.  That was exciting - the museum folks love to miss.  Then we visited the National Gallery of Art.  There are just TOO many museums to see there.  After dinner and the museums we sat on the Mall under the Washington Monument and waited for the fireworks.  They were AWESOME - about 15,000 skyrockets - pretty cool.  All fired by computer, I am told.

The next day I met Andrea's kids, and we all went swimming.  Her kids are really charming.  We played a board game called Pretty Pretty Princess - which is quite an interesting game in which everyone tries to win a spin to get another piece of plastic jewelry (earrings, bracelet, ring, necklace, and a crown).  Andrea's kids are mostly interested in winning, and even her son, who is quite a macho little boy, put on earrings and the plastic jewelry that comes with the game and he was not terribly thrilled by the fact that Andrea ultimately won.  It was a totally relaxing.

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August 23:   Geeze, it's been a long time!  I have been really busy at work - so many schedules and deadlines to meet - so much activity.  But my research is going pretty well at the moment.  I have had success on all three experiments I am running in parallel.  I guess maybe that is why I am feeling down, actually.  Last July I said to myself that I was going to have to "put my life on hold" through much of August to get done with my work.  Now I guess I am feeling the emotional backlash.  Andrea and I aren't speaking very much and something has changed - a level of intimacy has evaporated.  It made me very sad this week and I am still not sure whether it is just me or really happening.  I guess Passionate Marriage would talk about self-soothing, and I think I have done so, although this morning I have time so the questions are returning.

A lot of things are returning this morning.  Like, how can a company like where I work say that it will not discriminate against LGBT's when it has high level managers who openly write hateful articles like this one, and this one?

I also am sad because of my own body.  OK, so I have to say it: the surgery to be a girl sucks.  I mean, the average penis has about 4,000 nerve endings, and the average clitoris has about 8,000.  So, my estimate is that after the surgery I have about 100 left.  OK, so maybe I have 1,000 - I don't know.  But it ain't nothing like I would have had if I had been born with the right body.  Maybe I just need to grieve my birth defect again.  All I can say to you natal females out there, is ENJOY YOURSELVES - you have at least 10 times the feeling I have.

Boob surgery sucks, too - you loose a lot of feelings that way just to try to look like Barbee.

I'm outta here...

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September  7:  Well, a few things have happened - I have taken a position helping out with the Iron Angels motorcycle club, my knee seems to be trying to wear out, and I seem to have a new girlfriend.  Work is still really busy.  I have been feeling a little better about my body.  People keep telling me that almost all women have had to go through a 'process' to get 'in touch' with their bodies.  I guess I am still doing that - better late than never.  The media doesn't help much, constantly showing us actors and actresses that are beautiful, talented, etc., we forget these are professionals whose career is entertainment - not real folks.  That's what I have to remember when I see perfect bodies on the screen.  I am looking for what *I* want and what will make me happy.  That isn't always readily apparent!

A. and I have started getting physical and it feels nice.  Sex is funny and strange: we think it is about orgasm, but it is about much more than that.  Saying sex is about orgasm is like saying eating is about swallowing.  Don't we want much more than just sex in our lives?  One night stands are pretty empty - at least when you have sex with yourself, you have yourself to sleep with afterward!  And to spend the following morning with, too!

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September  11:  A year ago today!  My, my, time flies.  I hope our alcoholic president stops using terrorism to keep his ratings up!  Terrorism is much too serious an issue for that...  Can you tell I am upset?   Anyway, this weekend is my first time leading a motorcycle ride with the Iron Angels.  And for the next three weeks I will be house-sitting in Long Beach for a friend.  I am so excited about it!

Today I wore a light blue leather miniskirt (with side tassels) to work with a white, sleeveless knit top, black high heel scrunch boots and bone color thigh high stockings.  I looked good.  I love the way I feel that way - attractive.

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September  13:  Friday at last!  Boy, am I feeling erotic!  I just love the way it feels being a girl, "Get estrogen, Be a girl!" - that's my motto.  (Well, it helps if you ARE a girl really, inside.)  I have been thinking about my friend, A.  There are so many things going on.  Sometimes I am way into my thoughts and sometimes it seems to clear - just go with the flow.  My flow has always been so difficult for me, though.  Coming from my dysfunctional household - I mean it's easy to say it.  Go ahead, say it...  "dysfunctional."  There, that was easy, wasn't it?  It is like universes harder to know what the word actually means.  It's like, say, looking at a map of North Africa compared to being plunked down smack in the middle of the Sahara Desert - all alone!  That is what my dysfunction feels like sometimes - like I am alone in the middle of something huge and utterly uncrossable.  So, it's day-by-day and sometimes minute-by-minute with Alanon.

The problem is that when life intervenes - and intimacy, too - I am suddenly in that desert with no way to escape.  So I tell people and they think I mean a needle stuck in a map.  But standing up to your ankles in hot sand in the middle of nowhere is NOT a needle in a map!  It is real life.  Awww, heck, maybe I'm just making this up - who can tell?  Anyway, A. is coming out to visit soon and that will be very nice.  I just got a Victoria's Secret catalogue - I wish I was a size 5!!!!!

I was reading my friend A's BLOG - she sure is striding to change the world!  Woman have always had it harder than men - with much more discrimination - but it doesn't have to be that way in the future!  GO GIRLSSSS!!!

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September  27:  It's getting harder and harder to be objective.  My life is turning away from overt concerns about the transition into my true self, and into "peripheral" concerns, like learning to be who I really am.  So far it seems pretty clear to me that as long as interactions stay fairly superficial, then I am just a woman, but when things get deeper - into that never-land many of us avoid - then it gets tricky.  I dated a couple of people fairly recently and it illustrates the problem.  The closer we get, then for someone like me it becomes evident that I "have a past."   And my past isn't something most people want in their lives.  So my feeling is between 90 and 98% of all people in the country today are incapable of having a "normal" relationship with me.  I guess this is how single black people felt in the white world of the 60's.  I don't have to ride in the back of the bus, but I can loose my job just for being me.  Down deep in me I feel something brewing - some sort of recognition that I will always be different somehow.  Is it like being a cripple - knowing that society will pass you by?  Or am I just being overly sensitive?  There are lots of unattractive women who nonetheless marry and have children and families.  I have that extra issue of having "a past."  I suppose I can learn to get by somehow, too.  Probably I need to loose my ego - that part of me that judges others - that wants certain types of people.  I don't even really know what I want.

More than most, I guess, when you are a transsexual you have to be ready for seemingly constant and continuous rejection by people at all levels.  The only place I seem to find respite from this continual rejection is in the formal setting of official, work-related business and in my research.  Everyone who I get close to, when they find out about my past, pulls away.  I am left with contact only with my transsexual friends.  Well, maybe I am being a little negative in my thinking.  I know people who are so desirable that they transcend the "psychic-T-ghetto."  I wonder if I can do that?  I wonder if I need to?  I wonder if I want to?

We all want to be wanted.  We all want to want someone.  Really want them.  It is scary because if you really want them, then you are vulnerable, but to want someone who really wants you back is what truly sets some relationships apart, and makes them something special enough to really, truly treasure in your life.

Oh YES - and I have discovered Chadwicks and Victoria's Secret!

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September  28:  My Sunday morning Alanon meeting in Glendale is my sostre :)     I took the Meyers-Briggs test and found out I am an INFJ - which means I am so intuitive and understanding of the inner workings of being human, that I often know more about other people than they know about themselves!  Well!  That certainly explains why I have always wondered if I am psychic.  I have trouble in meetings because of this:  I can see the games people are playing and see it more clearly than the words they may be saying to cover up the game...  I get in trouble sometimes because of that!

Today life is good.  I came through the pain of honesty with A. and said goodbye for now to her.  To tell the truth, I don't know what was decided, if anything.  We like to encapsulate life into words - like "friends" & "lovers" - but I am not sure life really fits into those categories.  I know society forces these categories on to us because of social needs to form a cohesive and lasting fabric of society to keep life connected and self sustaining and self supporting.  But there is a time and place for everything.  We don't expect (in a healthy way) adult behavior out of children.

I am going to a party tonight with some of my Sostre in my Sunday Alanon group.  We must honor our inner voice.

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September  30:  The party on the 28th was OK - we chatted and I met some new people.  I also got to lounge in the spa with them.  Why is everyone getting so far into this AIDS walk thing?  It seems everyone I talk to is fund raising for it...

I had a pretty rough day today!  Everything just seemed to be going wrong.  The last few weeks I was house sitting for L., a friend of mine.  It was fun and I was very pleased when I left, but this morning she was upset.  She had gotten back a day after I thought she was going to and her cat had no food left.  She accused me of not taking care of her place.  I had to hide out in the lady's room and cry.  My knee was driving me crazy too.  And I felt friendless - I kinda hate that feeling, but it is very persistent.  I wonder what it means, because, I do have friends... just nobody close by and the ones who are close by are more "activity partners" than friends.  Though I listen and try to understand them, they don't seem particularly interested in me.  I should use the Alanon phone list more, I guess.  I need to learn to deal with these feelings because feelings aren't reality.

Yesterday I couldn't find anyone to go to a play with me ($45 a seat!) and so I decided to dress up and go by myself even if there was an empty seat next to me.  Then I found out my car battery was dead.  I took it out of the car and brought it inside and used my little battery charger on it - thank heaven it took a charge!  I still have to spend a lot of money to get my car fixed, though.

Now I am feeling weak inside.  But I guess life is like that.  I don't even really know what I am after - except maybe to loose this confusion that I seem to have about what I want or need.  It was so emotional today: I am still stunned by the power of my feelings.  I am going to get some Thai food and take it easy tonight.

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October  5:  Well, it was interesting meeting with my fellow officers of The Iron Angels - right away after I got there, my friend uses a male pronoun on me!  I excused myself and went to the ladies room to do my hair and get composed.  Later I scored two or three solid "she's" from other members...   So overall it was OK.  It sure seems funny battling the pronoun thing three years after I transitioned, and two years after surgery.  It affects all my relationships!  I have a lesbian friend who I was trying to move closer to until I realized that her friends used male pronouns on me whenever we would meet.  This, of course, tells me that they discuss me when I am not around.  I feel like I need to get a "higher class" of friends - some who really care about me enough to listen.  Most of my friends at this point are my friends because I listen to them - not the other way around.  My friend Andrea is the exception, of course.  In my book, Andrea and I are 'best friends' - I have had only one of those before - my friend Tammy.  It seems to me that 'best friends' listen to you as much as you to them.

Something important and a little scary is going on in my life and I don't know how to talk about it, really...  My friend Andrea told me she was in love with me.  I guess I am too flirty and open...  I don't really know.  I find myself immediately feeling responsible for her feelings, and I know that is very codependent.  I care for her a great deal.  She is my best friend.  And I feel so alone it makes me want to grasp for her offer of Love, but would she respect that desperate grasp?  Would *I* respect myself for grasping?  I am so new to the concept of self-respect - I still don't really get it. My sponsor says I am just too new to all of this to expect to be 'ready' for it.  My therapist says I need a friend more than a lover.  Ten years ago I would not have understood you if you said to me, "What does your guy tell you?"  Now I feel in that same situation when I try to decide what I feel about Andrea's revelation, which, of course, naturally makes me feel like a "user."  Am I putting myself into a 'catch-22' or am I really in one?  ...or am I just coping out?
 

11:23PM:  I just got home.  Let me explain.  Earlier - soon after I wrote the above entry - the suggestion arose in me to go to Lesbo Bingo in West Hollywood.  Andrea Myerson's group, Woman On A Roll (WOAR) was sponsoring it.  Now, as a rule I don't attend these events because of my - I don't know - poor self esteem?  Shyness?  Introversion?  Immaturity?  I don't know.  But I don't.  It has been a painful experience being a "lesbian with a past."  But an Alanon friend, B., has mentioned Lesbo Bingo as being fun, and my friend AprilAnne has been a better friend lately than she has in the past - and I don't know what else - but somehow life conspired to get me to the point of committing to myself to go tonight.  I spoke with my friend Andrea for some time and then mentioned my intention of going, as well as my fear and anxiety about going.  She said to make a game of it - how many funny looks could I count - confused looks - derailed-their-train-of-thought looks - dumb looks...  That suggestion made me laugh inside, so it helped.

While I was driving my cool motorcycle over to WeHo, I was pondering my courage.  I knew from past experience how courageous I can be, but I was dreading the aftershock...  perhaps within 20 minutes I would be in pain and tears?  Perhaps after toughing it out for over an hour I would leave and cry on the way home?  I have done these things in the past at Gay Pride Festivals and lesbian events I have gone to.  Would I do them tonight?  I decided to let the anxiety go and just do the things I could do - positive self talk & talk to Higher Power & of course, the game Andrea suggested - count funny looks.

I got there and went in - the place was packed.  There must have been over 150 women!  I introduced myself to Andrea Myerson and she remembered my last name and that we had met a couple of years ago when Renee and MaryJo had introduced us - and she remembered all that, too.  I am again so glad that I met Renee & MJ!  If you guys can hear, I love you!  Be well & happy.  I hope in a future life we can be better friends.  Andrea told me to grab a dauber (bingo, remember?) find a place, ask if anyone was sitting there, and order some dinner.

I went to the ladies room and took care of my helmet head, then tried to imagine myself as Jackson Frakes carefully and thoughtfully picking her way into Lesbiana (Jackie is kind of my hero - thoughtful, composed, appropriate, kind, compassionate, funny, caring...)   I looked around and found some free places at a table in the back - wearing a nice smile and making eye contact with people and smiling at them regardless whether they looked away from me or not.  I found a table with a couple at it and introduced myself.  I tried but couldn't remember their names.  I tried not to listen to my toxic self-talk and be comfortable with either talking or silence, as naturally happened at the table.  A third friend of theirs - a very outgoing woman named Kate (I can remember that because of Kate Clinton) joined us.  She was more my age and we all talked a little more.

After we ate, the Bingo games started and I actually won the third game!  I couldn't believe it!  I was very excited I think and the winners had to walk around the room while everyone pelted them with the wadded up game papers...  It was fun.  I won an aromatherapy candle, a certificate for a haircut, a 5-volume cd set of classical music, and a home hot-wax sauna.  After winning I felt a little shy and wanted my new friends to win, too.  Kate and her friends were from Orange county - and I told them about the OCFEDERATION email list.  Kate gave me her email so I could send her a copy of it.  It is good to know what's going on in your home town!  I don't do candles so I offered it to Kate and her friends, but they didn't want it so I gave it to one of the gay-boy waiters who liked it very much.  I also offered them the haircut certificate since I didn't want it, and Kate offered to find someone to give it to, so I left it with her.  Several people congratulated me and a couple of faces who had never offered recognition before actually smiled at me.

People are so interesting, even if I get scared sometimes.  Sitting at that table we were sometimes a couple and a stranger, sometimes four friends, sometimes three friends and another person.  It is interesting how perceptions change.

It makes me ponder life.  Feeling that acceptance was very nice - but what does it mean?  It has the meaning I give it, I suppose.  It occurred to me that I can see how I have grown over these last few years - from very anxiety ridden to the courage and aplomb I felt tonight.  Not that I am always so able to do this, but my ability to experience my own life has grown.  That means a lot to me.  Still, I am left pondering the actual meaning.  Is this just Life?  Sometimes good, sometimes bad... but always better when approached with a good attitude...  My friend Andrea's suggestion to change my attitude was really unusual to me...  I remember that sometimes solutions to certain problems cannot be achieved by extrapolating from one domain.  Sometimes you have to make a quantum leap to another.  That is what her suggestion was - it enabled me to move to another place.  Maybe that is a very important reason to have friends after all.

October  11:  I have been having a lot of thoughts this morning...   Some thoughts this morning on "my" Lesbo Bingo experience: it occurred to me that this is another step in my self-discovery; that I would have the courage to attend a lesbian social.  It was successful for the most part, but what does it mean in the broader context of my personal journey?  (ref: "Please Understand Me," the NF type)  When I think of it that way, it appears a large goal in my womanhood is acceptance in the lesbian community, which seems a natural precursor to social involvement therein.  Do I really want that social involvement?  I am not sure.  Is this just a search for validation?  Dating guys would do that too, right?  I find I observe the social structures around me - women marrying and having kids and all the attendant social 'roleing' - seems a farce on some level.  Maybe that is because I am on the outside?  Can you imagine having kids because "all your friends are doing it," or because of your hormones or society's constructs?  But we are humans embedded in the context of society, what else could there be?

I was tearful yesterday and am again so today.  I sought to call A. but she wasn't available.  My emotions feel very real and I don't understand why I feel like I want to call her at times like this.  Maybe it is because I sense her maternal self.  Whatever the reason - it felt so real to want to talk to her but what is to say?  That thought feels just awful.  I feel so responsible.  It's hard for me to think of what she will say to me.  Well, maybe a shower will help me feel better in the here and now.  I am always denying myself and putting things off that would be good for me.  I have things to do today I have been putting off for a long time.  And I need to stop by work.

Work is something that seems to ground me.  In "Please Understand Me" it mentioned this.  That is part of me - that I need to have the validation it offers.  It also says that my type is so complicated we ourselves don't fully understand ourselves.

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October  12:  I went out last night with J., an Alanon friend, to WeHo - we saw Alan at the Normandie Room and then went to Girl Bar.  What a trip that place is - as long as you are under 30!  This morning I am in tears again.  The sick train of thought that seems to be getting me in that place goes something like this, "Who would want a freak like me??  Well, another freak, of course."  How sick is THAT train of thought???   I tell myself that the others will act like I'm a freak often enough that I do NOT need to say it to myself.  Also, I am actually hating myself by thinking I am a freak.  It is a very Alanon thing to do, too.  In Alanon we are always saying, "I would never get involved with someone so low that they would stoop to getting involved with me."  Archetypal circular reasoning.  KFCK radio some call it.  My therapist would certainly not approve, either.  I feel a little better now.  I guess I haven't actually been celibate for 5 years but it sure feels like it.  My friend A. lives in the DC area where that sniper has been killing people.  It must be much worse for her than for I.  I'll have to give her a call.  Friday I sent her flowers and, of course, she was actually confused by that!  Can you imagine?  Heh.  I'd really like to stop playing the part of the 'victim' in life.

I called my sponsor and chatted briefly - she isn't the type to discuss relationships with.  In her own words, she "doesn't do relationships."  So I can't really get too much reasonable advice from her about that, nor can she really be a sounding board, but still it is good to make contact.  Then I gave A. a call and we talked for over two hours (again!) and discussed some pretty deep things, including my confusion about my friendship with AprilAnne.  There are boundaries and there are "tradeoffs" - with many would-be friends, I have to decide if I need or want some friendships enough to be their "transsexual friend" as opposed to their friend-who-is-a-woman.  A. says I get to decide this myself.  That is a really tough one for me since I haven't really had friends in the past.  I guess I will take it as it comes.  For instance, one almost-friend, Raquel, invited me to her church and then out to a group dinner afterwards.  It was very nice of her and everything was as well as one could expect until I realized I would be a member who was a "transsexual member."  They seemed totally unaware of this tacit precondition.  Most people do.  I think it is more polite on my part to assume they don't know they are making that assumption than for me to assume they are bigoted...  These are the kinds of issues ex-transsexuals get to deal with!

Soooo...  I went shopping.  I bought three sets of towels/handtowels/washcloths in periwinkle, green, and peach.  I have needed those forever!  I also bought a cheap plastic shelf to store some of my stuff, and, of course, some chocolate.  The shelf is a really tacky, black plastic bookshelf thingie.  The bathtowel sets are really cool :-)

Next week I am going to Portland for some small corrective surgery on my vagina.  I will also get to stay with a friend, Lori, whom I haven't seen in quite some time!  :-)   I just added a page to my web site - a "nutshell" of the entire TS "process."

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October  23:  It has been a while - I was visiting a friend in Portland and getting some touch-up by Dr. Meltzer...  He is really nice about that.  My friend Lori took me to see Mt. St. Helens.  There is a very nice interpretive center there with lots of information.  I am SORE.

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October  24:   I had a terribly hard day today and night last night.  There is lots of strife going on in the group I started at work, but at least we are somehow turning over the power of leadership.

On another subject, I was thinking about friendship.  Is a friendship a relationship where one or both participants don't get what they really want, but they stay connected anyway?  That's terribly cynical, isn't it?  The TV shows kids who are friends and get along fine - so why can't I?  I can't answer that - but hypothesizing this way about friendship only gets me to a terribly cynical place.  Hmmm.  I think that is telling me to stop trying to analyze it.  A. tells my that friendships wax and wane - I think that is a polite way of saying that friends get angry with each other.  How's THAT for cynical???

I want to talk about the pain of the day - but I don't want to talk about it, too.  I don't understand.

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October  25:  I probably shouldn't have gone to work today, but I did.  I got rained on just a bit.  Now I am back at home and ready to watch some videos:  "The Shipping News," "Return to Me," "Hearts In Atlantis," and "Like Water For Chocolate."  I was thinking about how many friendships in which I have participated wherein one of the friends experienced unrequited longing for sexual intimacy.  I wonder if one did a combinatoric study of generalized 'classes' of attraction, one could explain the frequency with which such things happen?  I would guess that for adults, sexual attraction is a major component of human interactions, so it would seem reasonable that most relationships which involved mutual attraction or affinity would include a component of sexual attraction in at least one of the people, with sexual attraction in both people being more infrequent due to the combinatorics.  Such unilateral attraction would then seem to be a fact of life, and not something to feel ashamed of.

I am sautéing up some silver coho salmon in yellow and orange bell peppers.  MMmmmmm...

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October  26:  I am very sad to hear my friend A. is so sad.  Some of it is related to our friendship.  Some of it is just the awful stuff that people do to minority groups.  I am very lucky to have her as a friend, but I don't want for her the hurt I have felt these last few years.  I guess some things in life just are and you can't really do very much about them.

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November 1:  What a stressful two weeks this has been!  I have been trying to get my laboratory equipment ready for a coming field operation and it has been very difficult.  The scientists involved are all micromanaging, even each other.  Today I was testy with my helper, Mark.  I can't believe it and I can't really blame it on PMS.  I was near tears with frustration at how things were going and continually found problems piling up on me..  He finally asked me if I had a headache.  How can I tell a guy how it feels when your heart believes you are worthlessly failing?  I was thinking I should go back on an antidepressant - then I would recall that things still didn't go perfectly smoothly then, either.  It is so easy to believe that happiness might reside in a pill rather than in your own attitude.

I felt desperately lonely today.  The woman I house-sat for and I haven't spoken since she came back.  She said so many things were wrong with her house when she got back and I just don't understand how that could be.  How can something I tried so hard to do get so fucked up?  I actually exchanged words with D. today, but we haven't had a real conversation in months and months - another 'promising' friendship down the crapper.  I feel like I am back to superfluous, non-relationships ("coffee pool" friendships) that I used to have before transitioning and 12-step recovery.  And it aches to entertain that I haven't come very far at all.  I feel like I would like to get away.

At least I felt fairly nice about the way I was dressed today, even if I don't have much of a feminine shape.  And the equipment finally began to cooperate, and PZ - the senior scientist I work with - told me how to read binary datafiles needed to get TS going.  And the bore-sighting device that Mark made me seems to work just swimmingly!  So I am into work this weekend to try to tie up all the software and test some last bits of the TS hardware.  So the day ended OK - at least not painfully.

Funny thing - pain.  I have noticed that most of my pain comes in a funny form - feeling like I haven't lived up to myself, or been open enough with people, or that people haven't been there for me, or that I haven't behaved well.  It is hard to separate the truth from self-judgement with this kind of pain.  I think a lot about ALA.  How nobody was there with me most of the time.  It was just me and management.  I can't even tell them they weren't there for me and how lonely that was.  Sometimes you can't really say what's on your mind.  Maybe that is where "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything," comes from.  I guess I just had to say that.

So being a girl definitely doesn't cure everything.  (Of course it doesn't! - I just needed to say that, too)  A. will be busy this weekend because she has her kids this weekend.  She is very lucky.  Her kids are just the best!  Kids and a family really give you a place where you feel like you belong.  And you are doubly blessed if you feel open and can communicate with that family - otherwise part of you will always feel alien and alone.

Getting so involved with work and having no stable social life makes me begin to feel like I did over a decade ago - my whole life was work.  I kind of hate that feeling but it seems like it is absorbing me.  And that hurts too!   Geeze, there is a lot of pain here.  I have been doing things like renting movies (never used to do that) to try to get some sort of life outside of work.  I guess I am just ranting - but this stuff gets a girl down...

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November 3:  Yesterday was a pretty productive day with my laboratory equipment.  I had to basically rewrite and re-troubleshoot the code for TS, and now I need to integrate it all and do trial runs.  In addition, I need to do the final setup of the preamps for TS.  It's funny how I feel about this stuff.  I have dreamed of having my own laboratory since I was in high school and before - and now I do.  And I can loose myself in there - it's like I float away from reality - become mentally disconnected.  The problem is coming back - that is hard.  I can't tell what is real from what I am creating in my mind - mostly about feelings, desires, intentions, and the like.  I think I had more or less re-found reality as I was laying in bed last night.  It was a little tough because the road back to reality took me through the last time my ex and I made love.  This month is the 5-year anniversary of our breakup.  I don't suppose that has anything to do with it...

It occurred to me after reading A's blog just now that I have no plans for the holidays.  Well, I guess I sort of do...  Lori said she was coming down and I offered her my spare bedroom.  (Boy, do I have to clean up around here!)  It seems like I should be more bothered by the last of plans than I am.  I wonder why I'm not?  Of course, in my family there never were any 'holidays,' per se.  Life was about survival and we didn't have anyone.  Well, there was my mom's brother who lived about 30 minutes from us, but I never knew mom to speak to her brother a day in her life.  Now I feel like I have grown up with that family curse - separateness.  None of my family speaks now, that I am aware of.  I take that back, they may be talking now that I am the scapegoat.  I hope they are.  I hope they are having a nice holiday together.  Too bad about families who need a scapegoat in order to be OK with themselves.  I wonder if that is an evolutionary adaptation as we try to leave trees and caves behind us?  At least we don't eat each other or our children any more!  I wonder why I need to explain everything?  I think it is to try to accept reality - if it looks like it fits in a text book, then maybe it is reality?  I wish I had friends and family - then I might know what reality is without having to question or explain it.  On the other hand, maybe I am just drifting off into my own vision of reality again...   That is kind of a curse, too.  I have an amazing inner vision - I am called a 'visionary' - and it certainly helps me be a creative scientist - but that inner vision carries its own burden that I have trouble staying mentally anchored to what is real.

Of course, the good thing about mixing those two aspects of myself up together (and shaking gently, not stirring) is that you get an instant 'home' in my laboratory.  Before I met Gail I lived a vicarious life through my lab - even though I had a daughter.  And because of that, I neglected her sadly.  Oddly enough, that is, I believe, what attracted her to me - when one works that hard (as a male) one is very attractive to single women who have children.  Well, I hope Recovery will give me a chance to live a better life.  One day's progress for one day's effort.  My upbringing certainly didn't give me any tools - and undoing the last 40 years is going to take time...  and speaking of alanon...

This AM I am off to Alanon - and I will be trying to stay anchored to reality there, too.  I will be trying to not believe every problem comes from me personally.  I will be trying to believe I am normal.  Then it's off to work for the afternoon to get TeS integrated and tested.  I have to buy some new luggage for the trip next week.  Holy Spirit, help me stay connected with Your path for Me.

Oh, ya, the Iron Angels stuff is nearly done!  How exciting :-)

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November 5:  I was thinking about A's kids this morning.  I wish I could get closer to them.  I would like to have Nick help me put together my XL-600 since I finally got the crankshaft nuts off and a helicoil installed in the jug.  I wonder what I could do with Liz?

Something that I imagine most folks like me think about has been on my mind a LOT lately: the issue of pronouns.  My brain seems to be striving to understand it.  When April's friends met me they immediately used male pronouns on me - though I was in a flowered dress, pumps and makeup.  Now April wants me to meet her new girlfriend.  I feel very honored by this, and I know April will have filled her in on the fact that I am a woman with a past...  April sees male pronoun usage as a "slip" but I think of it as something much deeper.

I thought of an allegory of it today:  blindness.  (This may offend some 'people of color' so if you are, be forewarned.)  Now, someone who is blind won't know a stranger's skin color.  If they meet a person of color, they will perceive just another person.  This is analogous to the straight community.  If they meet an ex-TS like me, they just see a woman.  The LGBT community by-and-large can see in this respect - when they meet me they see my history of my birth defect.  Their prejudices are triggered and they may imagine they know me on some level.  This is analogous to a sighted person knowing they are speaking to a person of color, and being prejudiced against them.  They know only their sight but are blind to their ignorance.

There is a place where enlightened, sighted people go with this people of color business - they no longer see skin color as anything more than an ornament - like hair color.  This is the lack of prejudice.  You can feel this when you talk to a mixed race group of people who have become enlightened.  Likewise, I can feel when I am with a group who just sees me as a woman with a fairly unusual past.  These are the kinds of friends I want to have.  This, then, is why I am afraid to meet April's girlfriend.  I am afraid I will have to make a decision about the future of our friendship.  I am also afraid of the pain I will feel when faced with the fact of ignorance.  I am also afraid of having to keep the silence.  It actually seems to be somewhat easier when everybody knows about my past, but it only actually easier when they honor and respect it.

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November 12:  I am very busy getting ready for some field operations at work.  I have been out in the field with the guys (I am one of only two women with the group) and it has been sort of fun.  Exhilarating, I guess - definitely something different from working in a laboratory.  I did repair a couple of major problems with my field equipment - and I am very proud of myself for doing so.  I spoke with an electrical designer at the company who made my preamplifiers and I actually understood what he was saying.  Thank you Cal State U. Long Beach Physics Department!  So I was able to adjust the circuit parameters to avoid the problems I was experiencing.

Here come the holidays!  I can't believe another year has gone by.  It has been one year since my knee surgery.  It will be three years since my SRS and my friend A. will be having her surgery in just a couple of months.  I am remembering how exciting that is - how the emotions fly.  I wonder what it is like to have a real family who is there for you when you do this?  I was thinking today about my family.  I guess I am trying to wrap my perceptions around it somehow.  It has always seemed so huge and dysfunctional - and I can't really decide how to respond to this knowledge.  There are lots of ways to respond.  I am not sure what I want.  Well, of course I want a real family, but there doesn't seem to be any way to get that.  I was thinking about Alanon and how people in my groups reestablish contact with families - but on a limited basis so that the dysfunction doesn't run away again.  I guess everyone gets to decide how they will live.

I got back in touch with my friends C & M - a lesbian couple.  They are doing well.  That is very good :-)  My friend Jo is also beginning to struggle with the emotion of transitioning.  Today I was wondering about my own emotions during transition and after surgery.  I recall being in love with my electrologist, as well as with several other important people in my life.  I guess that is just an occupational hazard of transitioning.  It seems to pointless, those feelings.  Why are they there?  I guess they help us pass the time here on earth between loves...  I don't know.  Anyway, I am glad I have work to get my mind off of such topics - they strike me as somewhat morbid or morose.

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November 15:  My, my!  Another year is drawing to a close.  I am going to be 47 pretty soon.  Oh, well, we can't live forever.  I have been thinking about my families quite a lot.  My first and second wives; our kids, grandkids, stepkids - and my natal family, too.  I still can't believe my mom never talked to her brother though he lived only about 30 miles from us for our entire lives!!  I think that is a paradigm for my natal family.  Protestant scapegoating.  It gives me chills!

On another note, I nailed my rocket launch!  Totally good data.  Now I have to learn some math.  My knee seems to be getting better all the time, though it will never be as good as it was before I trashed it.  It saw me through the rocket launch but I made a lot of effort to take care of it and not overstress it.  I also went swimming today.  Tonight I have rented "Babe," "Pig In The City," and "28 days."  All great movies.  I am doing laundry and trying to keep my sex drive at bay.  I hate it when I keep thinking of sex!  I wonder how others deal with this?  It seems that even though one may mate, it doesn't keep their sex drive from making them crazy.

I *SO* want to get another masters in Math...   maybe I will do that.  Oops, gotta tend to the laundry!  Thai food tonight ;-)

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November 16:  I went to my Alanon Intergroup meeting last night.  It amazes me what those folks do.  They seem like true heros - much more so than the folks that I tend to idolize at work...  These people are reaching out to high school kids in need (because they live in alcoholic households and have no voice), visiting sick people, helping those in prison and in hospitals, battered women's shelters... all kinds of stuff.  I spoke briefly at the microphone and said that I had no idea folks in Alanon were doing so until I became Intergroup Rep.  A fellow took my name.  I think he will be calling me and asking me to be part of their outreach.  I am not sure how I could possibly do so.

Last night I dreamed my sister killed herself and died in my arms.  Can you believe that?  I told her I loved her and didn't want her to die.  Man, this stuff called life is very intense.

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November 22:  Two nights ago I visited a long-time (a few years) friend, Barb.  She invited me over to her house for the first time.  She has a beautiful house and we sat in her hot tub and chatted, drank wine, and rubbed each other's feet.  I am not sure how it went, really.  I am not sure what friends do and don't do - but I get this feeling she won't invite me back.  My friend Laura got back in town a couple of days ago and she wrote me an email.  I am hoping we can get together in a week or two and chat a bit.  I haven't heard from A. - she said she would call me when she could.  Tomorrow morning I am off to Lompoc again for a rocket launch.  Finally they will be over, but there is a small chance we may cover a Titan-II launch on December 15th.  I kind of hope not.  At least I will have fun at the hotel - sitting in the Jacuzzi (I hope!).

Last night I guess hanging with Barb got me upset somehow.  I could feel the emotional pain approaching.  Like a 10 foot high wall of water it hit my heart and I was sobbing.  I decided to cut the evening short at 7:30.  I guess I was exhausted.  When it gets that bad, nothing works except sleep so I dove for cover under the covers, so to speak.  The only thing that seemed to work was thinking about my lab experiments and the emotional wave seemed to recede.  Then I remembered it is necessary to ice my knee every night - so I got up and sat on the couch to do that.  I started reading "If The Buddah Married," but it got to me again and I had to put it down.  I don't have a relationship anyway - and that is probably a good thing - I feel so incapable of doing what needs to be done in one.  On the other hand, I did have a reasonably OK one with Gail...  as far as that goes.  So maybe I can.  What I *don't* seem to be able to do is ponder a relationship!  It overloads my circuits.  So I read Science News and went to bed :-)

This morning I went to move my car to avoid a ticket and the battery was dead!  I didn't leave the lights on... so do I have an electrical short?  I pushed the car to the other side of the street (I hope I didn't wreck my knee) and the battery is on the charger.  If I buy a new one the short might kill it right away...  Hmmmm.  I better ice this knee before I regret it.  Good night!

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November 25:  Exhausted after a long nighttime observation!  I am questioning myself about my abilities.  I guess anyone can learn to do almost anything, but some have natural talents for certain things.  My natural talent(s) seem to have to do with being solitary - I kind of hate that - but who knows - maybe if I were different I would find fault with that!

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November 29:  So now I am 48.  What a pain!  Oh, well...  I just have to share this question I got from a fellow online!

Q:   I can't help but wonder if the men you meet actually treat you decently, or if they seem to have some kind of hidden agenda(s). Second, is sex for you what you thought it would be. I ask this as a male, because I have always wondered what the women feel when I have sex with them, and they can't seem to relate the experience to me in terms that I understand. I truly would like to know so that I can be a better and more caring sex partner to them. And I am hoping that you might be able to relate the experience to me in terms I would understand. And this may not be possible for you, since the postop may have changed things enough that the male rendering of the experience as a female may be slanted to the female side, which I have already heard.

A: I'm not sure if this is going to make sense, but here goes... The answers to your questions beg themselves, I think. For instance, the first question about agenda(s) - well, you wouldn't have written me if you hadn't had one, although it isn't the normal agenda men (or even women) seem to have.

   About the second question. It is sort of like explaining color to a color-blind person. On top of that, every female is different. I know women who were raped, molested, raised in alcoholic families, neurotic, psychotic, etc. I will tell you what it is like without all these extra things - just the baseline physical/biochemical stuff. Your wife may have psychological or other things on top of this ...

    I recall what it felt like to feel male - by that I mean the testosterone and the sex urge it engenders - and what it felt like when it was replaced by estrogen & the female urge. They are quite different and very deep - and not all females feel the same way or even the same way all the time. As a male you have one mode of sex - wanting to "do it" but, of course, it varies a lot in intensity. As a female, sex is deeply connected to who and what you are. It can be in your fingers and toes and deep in your belly and in your heart and face. It is to be taken, to be a whore, to be a goddess, it is the act of Begetting New Life - Holy and Rutting at the same time. All colors and beyond color. Pleasure and pain together. It is biochemical, brain wiring, personality, mental health, desire & need. It has no beginning and no end - it is deeper and broader than life.

    It might help a little if you envision this: I remember when I first started taking estrogen. After about a week of doing so, the body begins to repress testosterone production and the blood and tissue biochemistry begin to change and go through female puberty. I remember distinctly the feeling after a couple of weeks of taking estrogen. It was like I went to sleep with my perceptions listening to life as a cheap clock radio, and I woke up hearing and feeling everything through an expensive stereo system. I don't know if you know about stereo's - but try listening to some music with your stereo set to "mono" until it sounds OK, then suddenly switch it to "stereo" - there will be a depth to the music you just can't hear in mono. Suddenly you can hear a guitar (or french horn) to the left, the bass to the right, and the vocalist right in front of you. Close your eyes and you feel just like you really are there in front of the instruments!!

    That is what your wife feels. You perceive everything in mono - she perceives everything in stereo. A *slight* muscle twitch in someone's face at the right time makes her heart ache because she realizes that person just felt pain over something. A guy probably wouldn't even have seen or noticed the slight facial twitch let alone felt it's meaning. This happens during arousal, foreplay, sex - it is connected to the whole psycho/social/sexual dance for a woman in a much more intense and real way than a man.

    It's OK for men to be that way, really! It means she will spend her life coping with rushes of pain and tears along with the great joys and pleasures. You are spared these things. It is like you have protection around your heart from the pain and that is good.

    If you ever want to feel it for yourself, you can. If you are in normal health, you can take estrogen for up to 3 months before you loose your ability to return to normal maleness. After about 1 week of estrogen you will begin to know what your wife feels. In about 3 weeks you will have trouble maintaining an erection. You may want to begin to be topped by her, who knows? Your nipples will suddenly enlarge and become enormously sensitive. After about 6 weeks you will start to get little breasts - and at that point it is time to remember and write down everything you feel & felt and STOP the estrogen so you can go back to being who you are. Your wife could do the same thing with testosterone but she would have to be REAL careful stop before she got a beard and deep voice!! (giggle) (BTW: If you tell your doctor these things, you will probably get laughed at or worse. My doctor said he never was taught anything about these things in med school.)

Response:  I can't begin to thank you enough for the insight this provided. I have read "MEN ARE FROM MARS,etc.", MASTERS & JOHNSON research, and several other publications trying to understand. My motivation? After 29 years of being with my wife and knowing what she is like, I still marvel at the female of the species, even more so than I did when I first started into puberty, and marveled at their nature. I did not understand then, and it promulgated my search to find out.

My wife is a marvel of a woman, and I consider myself to be a very lucky man to have had the life I have had so far. And I had the sneaking suspicion, that even at the age of 58, that knowing more would only aid to increase the relationship we have. I have been trying to understand her desires and motivations.  We both still have very healthy sex drives, and a high degree of curiosity, not just about things sexual we have not experienced, but about nearly all things in life.

What you provided in your explanation has definitely helped to bring about a much more intense level of understanding. While I do not anticipate doing anything to personally feel the emotions and experiences through hormones, I did want to at least intellectually increase my understanding.  I do strongly suspect that I have always had the interest in getting inside the head of other people, not in the sense of knowing what makes them tick, but in the sense of being curious as to WHY they are different. I would never have thought, up to your explanation, that the one small leg of the XY chromosome would have created that much difference in perceptions, and reactions to the world around them. It actually transcends a much broader gulf than I anticipated. It could be given the analogy of being an abyss in comparison to the idea I had.

So, again, I thank you for responding, when such was not necessary. You are a treasure.

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November 29:  I am feeling sad today: Late last night I was feeling nostalgic and looked up, again, the proof that my father had died, and while I was looking, I found that my mother had died too - almost a year ago.  To my knowledge she had never spoken to her brother though he lived close by, all the time I was growing up.  Now I get to see this behavior repeated in my own generation with my brother and sister.  Resentment is so sad to behold.  I am very lucky and blessed to have friends and acquaintances to be there for me this weekend.

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December 8:  OK - this is it!  I am definitely going crazy.  Five years is too long to be single.  Five years without being in love is just too long!  And 5 unrequited love affairs with people who don't return your feelings is too many.  I am definitely mind-fucking with myself.  Two dear friends have offered me their love and I turned it down both times.  Definitely certifiable.  Well, if not technically crazy, the just really fucked up.  And I am pissed at God about it.  Pissed about Hitler, too.  Pissed about the street people out this time of year - well, I know they are always there, and I am pissed all the time about them.  I am pissed about my friend's nephew who has Cystic Fibrosis at 7 years old.  I am pissed about a lot of stuff but I can only change myself.  I am pissed that I have to do it without an instruction manual - What do I do, right here, right now?  Do I use the clutch, accelerator, window crank or hood release?????   Really, God, is this funny to you?   Am I on Cosmic Candid Camera??

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December 16:  Heh.  I guess I get a little extreme sometimes...    I've decided I like Nestle's "After Eight" chocolate mints - is that a big revelation or what?  I did pretty good last week, I guess:  I spoke to a few long-time friends - people who I would call close friends I suppose.  Friendship as an adult seems to be a tricky business.  There is all that extra complication of sexuality thrown into the mix that we were supposed to learn in the sandbox and grade school (which I completely missed somehow).  If you were one of the lucky ones to get a good, solid framework laid down in childhood of how to relate to others in a non-sexual way, then all you seem to have to do as an adult is learn to add an extra layer of complexity dealing with erotic attraction.  For most heterosexuals this means learning to ignore/repress/sublimate physical attractions to friends of your same gender (sex).  Knowing how to do this has the positive side effect of minimizing problems resulting from attractions to your friend's mates...

I'm trying the figure out the whole damn thing at once.  It is like trying to invert a huge matrix without first diagonalizing it!!!!!!

I'm obviously near-nutzo.  Maybe I'd better go back to reading Rasband's "Nonlinear Dynamics of Chaotic Systems" so I won't think about sex in terms of differential equations or matrix systems...

I hear kids squealing and roaring with pleasure outside - I guess school must be out for the day and they are walking home IN THE POURING RAIN.  Most of these kids lead a blessed life compared to mine - I live in the higher-rent district and most of these kids have grown up together - but who knows how many of them have alcoholic parents?

I went out to see "The Wizard Of Oz" last night at the Redondo Beach Performing Arts Center.  The head honcho there is very happy to have won another award - he claims now RBPAC is the best play theater in Southern California.  I guess I am going to have to go there more often and bone-up on my culture.  I almost had an empty seat next to me (why do I always buy two tickets?  ever hopeful...).  Luckily I got smart at the last minute and asked one of my long time friends to go with me.  She very much enjoyed it, too.  Hi karlyne!!!

I have been thinking of my family - Andy, who claims to have Christ's Love in his heart, never told me that my dad had died, and how does the same thing not telling me about my mom.  Candy also, but she doesn't claim to have Christ's Love in her heart.  Christ welcomed the adulteress - it seems like my family is more like those who wanted to stone her.   For me my family's behavior in my mom's death really casts a new light on the meaning of the words of John 5:42.

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December 19:  I just had to share this story with you!

> > Dec. 16, 2002, 11:53AM
> > Lesbians voted `cutest couple' at Illinois high school
> > By MARTHA IRVINE
>
> > Associated Press
> > CRETE, Ill. -- Their story has played out like the name of a popular
> > lesbian movie: The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love.
> >
> > It started last month, when the girls -- longtime high school sweethearts
> > -- were voted "cutest couple" by their fellow seniors at Crete-Monee High
> > School in the suburbs south of Chicago.
> >
> > Administrators balked, at first. Then several students walked out of class
> > to support the girls.
> >
> > In the end, the girls' parents -- though a bit shell-shocked -- agreed to
> > let a photograph of the couple appear in the school yearbook.
> >
> > And last week, district Superintendent Roberta Berry wrote a letter
> > praising Crete-Monee High: "I am proud to say that while other schools
> > continue to address issues such as alienation, bullying and hate crimes, we
> > have a student body that not only accepts each others' differences, but
> > also celebrates them."
> >
> > Upset, some parents and community members have called to complain and
> > written letters to local newspapers.
> >
> > Others are supportive -- a sign, students say, times are changing.
> >
> > "This isn't 1952 anymore. I think people need to realize there are
> > different people everywhere," says Rachel Urban, 17, a senior. "If 15- and
> > 17-year-olds are mature enough to handle this, the rest of the country
> > can."
> >
> > In 1999, an openly gay high school student in San Anselmo, Calif., was
> > elected homecoming king. Last year, a lesbian from Ferndale, Wash., was
> > elected king at her prom.
> >
> > Meanwhile, students at an increasing number of schools are forming
> > gay-straight alliances to support one another -- and more school districts
> > are training teachers to work with gay students.
> >
> > That's all happened at Waltham High School in Waltham, Mass., where school
> > nurse Nancy Ryan oversees the gay-straight alliance. Still, she says, the
> > school has a long way to go in helping its lesbian and gay students feel
> > safe.
> >
> > "I don't think they fear for their physical safety," she said. "But I think
> > they still are hearing things that make them uncomfortable and make them
> > afraid to come out."
> >
> > A 2002 report by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, a
> > nationwide group of students, parents and teachers, notes that nine states
> > and the District of Columbia have some form of protection for students that
> > is based on sexual orientation and gender identity -- California,
> > Connecticut, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Vermont,
> > Washington and Wisconsin.
> >
> > At Crete-Monee, officials and students declined to give the media the names
> > of the "cutest couple" girls, whose parents didn't know they were dating
> > until the vote.  [doh!]
>
> --
> Leslie L.Waite Ph.D.
> Center for Reproductive Sciences
> University of California- San Francisco