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   Patti's Online Diary (2001)

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January 12, 2001 (from memory):  In a few days I fly to Portland to have the final bit of my surgery with Dr. Meltzer.  I am having a tracheae shave, labiaplasty, and "fixing" my right boob-implant.  I am excited about finishing this off as well as getting to see Portland again.  Walking around Portland was fun but it was stressful thinking about surgery.  The night before surgery in Day's Inn I saw a televised surgery - a complete knee replacement.  In the O.R. the staff was very funny and while I was under a light anesthetic I was amusing them by telling them about the surgery I saw on TV.  The next day I said by goodbye to Susan and Toby and thanked them and told them I loved them and kept them in my prayers.  I also got to say goodbye to Paul - who drove me to the airport.  I hope his music goes far!

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January 31:   Tomorrow morning I talk to the senior vice president of my company.  I will be starting an LGBT Caucus at my company.  I can't believe the things that have happened in my life this last year.  It is a very long story and I am sorry I stopped writing now - I am sure I remember it all, though - but it would have been nice to share it all - the American Cancer Society Relay For Life WeHo 2000 - meeting the WomenMotocyclistists - meeting all my new friends - and meeting Karlyne.  My head spins when I think of it all.  So I can't think of it really.  "One day at a time" as we say in Alanon - and that way I can keep going - but now the going is all good stuff instead of heartache.  Funny, isn't it?

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February 10:   Pretty cool stuff has been happening at work.  After talking to the senior VP at my company, they have included the words "sexual orientation" in our nondiscirmination and nonharassment policy.  We will be announced soon - in a few weeks.  It is wonderful.  Last night I told everyone at the Coming Out group at the Long Beach LGBT center and last week I told everyone at the MCC I go to.  Now where to go?  Spirit guide me.

This weekend I am spending alone - "space" from my lover, Karlyne.  I don't know why.  I am crying from watching movies, praying and wondering where I am going and what I feel and want.  The question isn't just, "what do I want or need," but "what am I ready for?"  What has been done in my making and what gift and action am I representing here on this earth?

I guess I should fill you in a bit.  Last month I had my final vaginal surgery - just the labiaplasty to make my new vagina that I got last year look a little more like an natal female's vagina.  I am still healing.  My knee is still healing from something I did to it while playing basketball with Women On A Roll.  It is awful waiting for it to heal and feeling like a cripple.

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February 14:   Did I tell you how I happened to be forming an LGBT group at work?  Well, they gathered us all together to announce a new President of the company last October, and just before announcing him they announced a new "Director Of Diversity."  To me that indicated that the time was right to bring up the idea of forming an LGBT Caucus since LGBT groups are the "cutting edge" of diversity at this point in history, and I assumed since the company filled that position that they were serious about diversity - which appears to have been the truth.  I emailed her right away and got a positive response, and we began the process of making sure all the upper management was behind us.  For my part I started talking to PFLAG, and other employee groups at TRW, Chevron, and Boeing, etc.  Then we advertised in an internal publication that we were forming the group.  It actually went very well.  You can do searches at the Human Rights Campaign website - it turns out that in California there are many, many companies with protections and supportive attitudes for LGBT people - they maintain an ongoing list of companies with LGBT groups, nondiscrimination policies, and things like Domestic Partner benefits.

I shared with an Alanon friend my previous entry's comment, "what am I ready for?" - in terms of a relationship.  She commented that thinking that way really gets you away from feeling self-pity about being lonely.   I think it touches the core of what we think and feel - we can feel our fear at committing to a relationship - about our uncertainty about what we really want after all, and about how much we can give in order to be fair in a relationship.  It also exposes to ourselves our own insecurities about ourselves.  I think our own self-judgement and insecurity is at the core of most of our inability to enjoy life fully and achieve the things we want to or were meant to achieve.  We just don't feel what we need to feel for and about ourselves to be able to act the way we want or need to act to do things.  This is where self love comes in.  I think that, in a very large way, love is simply the strength we need in order to Do...  Love is the only Real Power in this life.  Lots of people think hate and anger are power because they feel like such violent emotions (and therefore they guess they are strong).  But those emotions burn out the very person who uses them.  Endurance is critical to success, and only Love endures - this is well known.

Love,
PattiMichelle

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February 23:  Well, my labia have finally seemed to stop bleeding.  I know it wasn't real blood - it was old blood in the tissues that was liquefying and leaking out through the sutures.  It is hypersensitive down that and I am not sure I want that to go away!  It is good to have sensitive labia!  I went to a PFLAG meeting in Los Angeles and it was wonderful.  Lynette and her husband are so dedicated.  I wish I had that kind of personality.  But I know that there is something special and wonderful that I am and have and I want to find out what that is and honor it by using it in the name of Love.  I also got a cheque from my Medical Savings Account that paid for my labiaplasty with Dr. Meltzer with my own pre-tax dollars.  That is wonderful - and I need that money!  Of course, it is my money to begin with, but at least it is pretax.

We had a meeting with ALGAF yesterday and it went well.  Raquel volunteered to be Secretary/Treasurer and we had a wonderful discussion about things we can do this year.  I am very excited about the coming year.

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March 6:  Omigod!  I am going to Dinah Shore this year with some friends.  Kewl!

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March 8:  I am pretty stressed about starting our LGBT group at work, ALA (Aerospace Lambda Alliance) although I probably have nothing to be worrying about.  Members are pitching in to help, and we have a Secretary/Treasurer already.  On the other hand, I don't know how much support and feedback with management I should be having at this point.  What I mean by "should" is, what is optimum?  Actually, do I need optimum?  What is needed actually is changing the culture at Aerospace from one of fear of gays to acceptance of gays.  That can only be accomplished over time with our efforts at getting information out there.  The major road block to me seems to be people's general lack of interest.  Well, it is in God's hands, as are all things.  All I can do is be Love's instrument in this life anyway.

I was reading some interesting philosophy in The Sun this morning.  More on that later?

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March 10:  I had my first motorcycle group ride today - with Women On Wheels - Iron Angels Chapter.  I was anxious the night before the ride because I wasn't sure how friendly everyone would be, or how open and self-confident and friendly *I* would be.  It turned out to be a lot of fun and it felt very accepting.  One woman, Rebecca, said she had read parts of my web site, so she knew my story yet seemed OK with it.  That is SO cool.  Still, something seems missing somehow.  I wonder what it is?  Maybe it is just because everything is so new to me.  Maybe I am just exhausted and lonely.

We rode up to the mountains and the scenery was beautiful.  My new VLX 600 Shadow rode very well, but I need a better seat!  I was worried about how that bike was steering, but it seemed to do fine.  I am beginning to really like that bike.  Omigod!  I can't tell you how glad I am that I decided to have the surgery and become the woman I dreamed of being.  No matter what, I am better now than I have ever been.  It's funny how life is bittersweet - how you meet people and feel good about that - then maybe they go out of your life and that hurts but that's just life.  Good and bad, hurt and joy.  Now I really have these things in my life.  I never met people like the Iron Angels before I was PattiMichelle, now I do and it feels so good, so alive, so I am glad I finally get to be me.  It is good thing to find yourself.

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March 23:  WOW!   Dinah Shore weekend starts tomorrow!  I can't believe I am finally going - imagine - an old gal like me :)   My new girlfriend, Karlyne, and I are going with some of her friends.  Pretty amazing.  I am so excited.   We will be riding with the WomenMoto motorcycle group, and it will be the first time I have actually ridden with them.  Funny, that.  I joined IronAngels motorcycle group, too, and immediately have friends from that club, but after being a year in WomenMoto I still don't have friends there.  I wonder if it is them or me?  Probably both in some bizarre interaction space.  I was thinking the other day - when I orthogonalized my life-functions into Gender Space, I came up with female.  Of course THAT explains why I had SRS.  Life is just easier now.  Isn't mathematics wonderful?  So, we will see about the WomenMoto.

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March 26:  Back from Dinah Shore - it was a party alright - but since we didn't really know what was going on where, it was sort of difficult to do stuff.  I didn't get to go dancing :-(   - but life goes on.  There will be other opportunities to do so.  There was an amazing pool party at the Windham which was very interesting.  We all parked our motorcycles outside and went in to see lots of bikini - clad womyn dancing to all kinds of music.  Yessiree - some pretty young girlies.  I wanted to find some more mature dance environment, but wasn't able to.  I may try to go next year with a little more planning.  One thing is for sure - palm springs in the early spring is a wonderful place to relax and get away from it all!

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April 8:  Well, I tried to go motorcycle riding with a group of about 40 people to Women's Appreciation Day at Ventura Harley Davidson.  I was ambivalent about going because I have so much to do and today is the last day of the weekend.  Funny how things sometimes work out, though.  First, about a week ago I lost my ATM card.  So I couldn't get any cash in a hurry this morning.  Then, there was nobody there I really knew except Angel from WomenMoto-cyclists, and she isn't all that comfortable with me (when I walked up to her she stuck her hand in my face to shake as if to say, "Don't think of hugging me."  Dykes are often that way with ex-transsexuals like me) so I didn't ask for a loan.  So I didn't get to go.  But that is OK because I also have a ride next weekend with Iron Angels - which I really enjoyed last time - and the week after is a motorcycle skills workshop with them, too.  So I have much in my life.  Today I will do dishes, my hair, and work on my Honda XL600 and have dinner with some friends, Cameron and Monique.  I might even go into work for a while but I don't know about that yet.  The sad thing about missing this particular motorcycle ride is that its destination was Ventura, which is close to Karlyne's house and since I didn't go, I won't get to see her :-(

It is funny how this long after my transition I am still writing in here, although not as much as I would like.

About the LGBT group I started at work (Aerospace Lambda Alliance or ALA).  We exist now and have started interacting with the other minority caucuses, The Women's Caucus, Black Caucus, Hispanic Caucus, and AsianPacificIslander Caucus.  To my mind we are trying to define ourselves - what our actions should be.  Framing a perspective in this life is often the hardest part of doing anything.  I have realized that Gay issues are very much family issues:  gays and friends and family of gays all have "coming out" problems and friends and family have just as much trouble with rejection and prejudice as the gays themselves.  Gays also have families and are in families.  One young man at LEAGUE (Disney's Gay Group) mentioned that they are going to put on Parent/Mentor Of The Year awards, and I am thinking this is something ALA should do.

One nice thing about starting this group is that I finally did something important and good.  Thank You, Higher Power.

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April 19:  Last week's motorcycle ride to see the poppy fields was a load of fun.  A friend took this digital picture with her camera, but I don't think the resolution is very good!   She also took this picture of me close up, scrunched down with the flowers.   People are still being nice, but the lesbians seem a little put off by me.  This Sunday we have a skills ride - which will be a good chance to practice.

A bummer today - I just got back from the orthopaedics specialist who told me I will need arthroscopic surgery and, in five or so years, probably a knee replacement.   That makes me very sad and a little distraught because I considered myself an avid runner - now I can't ever run again - or so it would seem.  Still, I am very lucky to have other aspects of my health.

Does anyone know of a great, fail-safe, guaranteed-good boob doctor?   How about a nose doctor (rhinoplasty)?

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May 1:  It is really amazing how ALA has grown.  We got several new members when we were announced to the company via its home WEB page.  I even met a man who identified as a transsexual and will be transitioning in the company in a few years.  I am in kind of a weird place emotionally.  There is so much going on and so much coming up with Prides, motorcycle rides, and other activities, that I wonder at the fact that I can feel out-of-sorts inside.  I believe it is just my attitude - and I feel better when I try to realize inside that it is really *me* that makes my own happiness - nobody else can give it to me.  Probably I need more exercise.  That's it - since I can't run any more I haven't gotten enough exercise.  Going to the gym is OK - but I am not really a gym rat - I prefer to be outside.  I should start riding my bicycle on the beach for cardio exercise.

I have been thinking about trying to track down my long-lost daughters.  I am not sure exactly why - other than to tell them I love them.  Maybe now isn't the right time.  I tried to track them down on the Internet but failed.  Oh well, when the time is right it will happen, I suppose.

I really am liking my motorcycle - my VLX600.  I had thought I didn't like it, but with its new seat it is much more comfy and easy to ride.  I rode it to work today and that was fun.  Of course, when I ride it I get "helmet head" - my hair lays down flat on my head and looks silly from the weight of my helmet.  Tomorrow I will ride my scooter I think, because then I can wear a skirt.  Thank heaven for good weather!

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May 4:   Surprise!  It is hard for codependents to be honest with themselves!  Can you imagine that?  Well, I surprised myself today by telling my friend I needed some down time from our relationship - I was so worried about hurting her feelings!  But the real issue is, of course, MY feelings.  I really want to know what they are.  Well, I want to know soon.  I want to call an Alanon friend and ask her to be my sponsor because I am beginning to realize that the baggage and memories from the past are affecting my present.  Surprising?  Well, when one enters into a relationship I believe one owes themselves and the other person honesty.

So it has been an interesting week at work.  My entire laboratory was shut down and moved into a new facility.  It was a lot of work and my leg hurts like heck.  On the plus side, my friend Diana came to visit me several times in the last few weeks.  That is really cool.  I am not used to having a real friend who is just that.  Always in the past it was all about how you manipulated people.  I just think it is really cool.  Geeze, there is so much I can't really talk about any more since I have come out and I think, "What if someone I know reads this?"  Not that it is secret, but what if they get upset at what I really think about them?  Maybe I still have issues with honesty!

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June 16:   Ahhh, summer is finally (almost?) here!  It has been a while since my late entry - mostly because I have been struggling with my feelings.  This is not uncommon for Adult Children of Alcoholics!  I have been struggling with my feelings toward my best friend, Karlyne.  We have been lovers for a while then back to best friends.  I have read it is hard for folks like me to make the transition - and mine is complicated by my ACA issues - so I get confused and don't want to drag Karlyne into my issues.  Sometimes I feel like I am being irresponsible or self-indulgent, but when I try to ignore these feelings of confusion I find myself totally lost.  I think this means the confusion is real.

Well, off to the Los Angeles Dyke March today!  Karlyne is coming and is probably going to ride with me.  I hope someone takes pictures!  Last night I was wondering WHAT in the heck I was doing going to the Dyke March.  Can you imagine?  Now this morning it seems perfectly clear to me - I just want to go.  That is what I mean about ACA issues - we loose our ability to know what we want.  I was tired last night, I guess, and that is when it becomes difficult to connect with my emotions.  So I am going on that marvelous flight into outer-gay-space.  Isn't it amazing that we human beings can do stuff like this?  That we can take journeys of the mind and emotions...   maybe animals can too, who knows?  At any rate it is part of who and what we are to do these things.  I would like to continue my ACA journey of Recovery until I am no longer wondering about what I feel and what I want and can relate to other people better without being obsessed with questioning myself and my feelings.

Have a great day,
Shelly

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June 22:   My first Friday off - this new work schedule at work gives us every other Friday off if we work 9 hours a day every other week day.  I got the tire off the back of my trusty Shadow VLX600 - even though the axle did NOT want to come out.  It took two hours and a trip to Lomita to get another tire.  Now I am getting ready to head out to put the new one on.   Geeze!   It reminds me of the "good old days" of being married and tinkering in my garage.  Actually, they weren't all that great unless you like periodic pain.  Like this morning, for instance.  I remembered how when my ex started seriously running, she got big zits on her buns.  I used to treat her like a big baby and clean and powder her to make them go away.  When I remembered that I began to cry - it makes me ponder the links in our lower brains between sex, love, and child rearing.  I guess that was one of the most intimate parts of our relationship.  I wish we had talked more, or talked at all, about what was inside of us; thoughts, feelings, dreams...  I hope she has that now and I wish I didn't have a crush on Dianne.  Well, at least I can deal with that now - just stay away from her.

So, back out to fix the bike.  I am not sure any more what I would rather do; sew, shop, fix my bike, ride my bike, or stay in bed.  One thing is for sure, if you want to be happy, you had better exercise!

Pardon me, but I thought I would get a little introspective for a moment.  I really like being a girl.  Everything is nicer - what I don't like is that somehow I feel a lack of identity as a girl.  Nobody has made mistakes with me, but I feel like I have to be preoccupied with playing parts often.  I mean, that is OK, but I would like to be done with having to self-analyze the way I walk and talk all the time.  And these narrow hips are a PAIN.  Of course, lots of women don't like the way they look and I guess in that was I am just "normal."  Life is about what you do with what life gives you and I have just been given a challenge, that's all.  I would like to have more friends, though.  I remember childhood - or at least what I think childhood was about - kids were friends or not as they needed.  We adults are only friends when we think we can get laid or get money or something.  Well, what would *I* know?  I never had any friends as a child.  I only had one friend before the 12th grade, Gerry Garrison.  We chummed around for a few years but I was a sick puppy so I didn't treat him well.  Anyway, growing up without friends sure leaves you a lot to learn (how to make & keep friends & what they are good for) as an adult.  All of that on top of learning how to behave in my new role.  Sometimes I think it all boils down to finding the right "look."  I mean, after starting work fresh out of high school, I had work acquaintances, but not friends.  Maybe I married just to have a friend...

Anyway, I'd better see to my bike tire...

As Bob Abernathy used to say,

Later...

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July 8:  Well, another while - a lot going on.  Had the 4th with some friends.  There was this little girl there who reminded of my stepkids...  that is bittersweet, isn't it?  I am feeling down.  I had an Alanon convention this weekend and found a few things out about myself - things I am not too happy about and am trying not to beat myself up over them.  Oh, well, life moves on.  I have a hard time having fun.  I am attracted to dysfunctional people.

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July 11:  Yesterday 11 people from ALA met with the President and CEO of our company to talk about our experience being gay at my company.  It was very powerful.  I was very happy with the way people opened up to him.  One of our members has been in a committed relationship with his partner for 26 years!  That is longer than most heterosexual couples.  Yet that person cannot take time off to help his partner when he is sick.  It is sad, but times are changing, I believe.  Today we had a celebration over margaritas at a local cantina.  It was a load of fun to meet everyone - I got to meet the partners of some folks for the first time too.  David is a total cut-up and had us in stitches laughing.  I am really incredibly lucky to have been part of this, and even luckier to have been the one to start it.  Dear God, please guide me tomorrow, too.

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July 29:  Ugh!  I am tired.  Yesterday I rode down to San Diego to ride in the San Diego Pride on my motorcycle with WomenMoto.com.  It was pretty fun and I saw a friend there (Hi, Lynn!) so I wasn't totally alone.  It was cool after because we rode over the bay bridge to the Wharf and had lunch at a greek food place.  I met a woman named Nina who was very nice.  She rides an older BMW.  Most everyone in the motorcycle group was cool-going-on-chilly toward me.  I think that is because they know my history and are not sure "what I am."  It is OK and good exercise at meeting strangers, though, so I still ride with them.  I wore my blue flowered one-piece swimsuit with fishnet stockings, boots, and a flaming pink baseball cap in the parade.  What a hoot!!  I was just a Girl Having Fun on a weekend.  I hope my friend Lynn gives me a copy of the photo she took of me.

Our feelings are funny things, aren't they?   So personal - so internal.  I don't know about you, but I get very confused about how I might best deal with my feelings.  Sometimes I get upset at others when I shouldn't because they may just be confused about their feelings.  At any rate, being in touch with my feelings is a great gift even if it is hard to learn to use them.

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August 17:  The funniest thing happened as I was coming out of the pool the other day.  There were a group of 8 to 10 year olds was walking along the sidewalk as I was putting my helmet on before riding my scooter back to work.  One little 7 or 8 year old girl gave me the most disapproving look!  I wondered what her mother had been teaching her when she reacted that way to someone who was different from her at such a young age.  Anyway, that was my impression of the way she looked at me.  Sooo...  I waited a few moments and after she crossed the street I revved up my little engine and she made eye contact again, but this time I could see that what she really wanted was to have something neat like I had - that scooter.  Children teach us stuff: This little girl showed me that prejudice often covers up something else, like envy.

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August 31:  Almost Labor Day weekend and I have Friday off because of our 9/80 workweek.  I just got back from the El Segundo pool where I now get my main exercise since I destroyed my medial meniscus playing basketball last year.  I saw a coworker there - she didn't say anything to me but I think she wanted to because we were both in the outer vestibule of the women's dressing room and I quietly said, "Hi Malina," and she quietly said "Bye."  So it goes.  It occurred to me that estrogen changes others much more than it changed me.  I was always a girl inside and estrogen changed my outside.  But for others, estrogen seriously changes their insides - their belief systems about the world and people around them, social roles, gender roles, and other stuff I haven't even thought of yet.  I think people draw these "Social Norms" around their ego's like a blanket or force field to protect them from the Unknown, which as we all know, we are basically afraid of.  My thought is that by me crossing this way, they see the holes in their protective barriers and it generates fear.  So it goes.  Some people never admit to fear.  Some people never admit to anything that would make them see vulnerable.  Why is that?

The nice thing about exercising is it makes me feel strong and alive and so less afraid of life in general.  But I wish I weren't so "cerebral" in my approach to life.  But I guess I am what I am and as long as I am not hurting myself or anyone else, then I am doing fine.  I can grow a little each day, too.   Speaking of growth, last Wednesday at my Alanon meeting I had nice long, open chats with Carrie, then Kim, then Tammy, about important internal things I am going through, like my understanding of my extremely isolated past.  I can't change it and I can't go back and learn what I should have learned, but I can keep trying to make friends and learn to open up and be intimate with people, because I believe my Higher Power is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  All I can do is all I can do - and that certainly isn't everything.  I know I am doing a lot when I go to bed exhausted.  Well, I had better get on with the day.

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October 20:  Geeze, another long time before writing.  I wonder what is up with that?  I guess I think a lot has been going on with my private life and not so much directly connected to my transition...   Well here it is Autumn (isn't it?).  I have been keeping busy.  I bought my dream motorcycle and am trying to sell my blue Shadow.  I have been very, very busy at work with both my research and the Aerospace Lambda Alliance(ALA).  It is really wonderful that I have been able to start ALA.  It is one very important contribution I have been able to give back to life and my fellow human beings.  Maybe 15 years ago I used to see a young couple walking hand-in-hand out of work into the parking lot to go home after work.  It really warms your heart to see that, you know.  Well, yesterday I saw another young couple doing the same thing.  This time I saw it a little differently - I looked whistfully and wondered who would be the first lesbian couple to walk that way out of my work toward the parking lot at the end of the day.  Of course, I suppose it could be a gay male couple, too, but they don't ignite my imagination like a lesbian couple does.

I have also been working very hard with Alanon - Adult Child Focus recovery.  I have been trying to make friends and not get into a committed relationship unless I feel deeply that it is right.  I have realized a lot about relationships:  people get addicted to them.  I have heard this from many people, "Gee, he/she and I don't get along, and the relationship is really painful, but the sex is GREAT" - does that sound at all familiar?  Put simply, what that phrase means is that you are addicted to that person.  Just like alcohol.  It is very sad because it means the relationship is already dead.  I guess you could fix it, if you both can recognize what has happened to you and both want to fix it, but it certainly won't fix itself.  I wonder if I was emotionally addicted to my ex?  I sometimes ponder getting back together with her but that just shows you how powerful crazy thinking can be in we Alanons:  my ex and I haven't even spoken together in over 4 years!

So, big news:  Next week I go for surgery at UCLA for my knee!   That is really wonderful because the doctor is going to use a new procedure to replace the cartilage so my knee will be almost as good as new!  I had been told by other doctors that the older procedures would help for a few years, then it would be time for a total knee joint replacement.  I don't want that until I am at least 60!  So this is wonderful what Doctor McAlister is doing for me.

Am I still happy being a girl?  Yep, I sure am :-)

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November 3:  Well, my surgery got put off until November 9th - I have been practicing with crutches and an electric cart at work and being disabled is hard!  It is beginning to be a bit scary being disabled and living alone.  It makes me ponder the value of friendships.  Being alone and in Alanon for these last 4 years has given me the opportunity to make a few friends but not nearly as many as I wish I could have.  I guess you can only really have so many friends in this life - I mean real friends - so I am not going to feel badly about it.  I will just keep trying, as we say in Alanon - one day at a time.  Irene and Lori both offered to help me get what I need while I am recovering from the surgery.  Very cool.

This weekend is both the WomenMoto Palm Springs party and the Palm Springs Pride festival.  Part of me wants to go do these things - to put myself out there and do stuff, but part of me wants to be closer to my friends.

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December 1:  Eeek!  I had my surgery on my knee November 9th.  You can see the pictures taken during the arthroscopic part of my surgery here. I have been on crutches since the 9th - but thank heaven I got off Vicodin in only one week!  I hated the way it makes me feel.  I can bend my knee over 110 degrees now and am working on stretching it out more and more.  I plan on having full mobility by the time my doctor releases me to go swimming and walk in January.  I feel so very lucky and blessed to have found Dr. McAlister - the other surgeons I saw all wanted to do a total knee joint replacement.  I would rather have the real thing in my body at my age, please!

Of course, the other thing I want is to be in love.   (don't we all?)   This is very confusing to me.  It seemed when I was younger that I would yearn and pine to be in love then I would meet someone and, whammo, I would fall in love.   Nowadays it seems less automatic.  Maybe even that I am sabotaging myself in that regard somehow.  Well, 2002 will be the 5th year after my breakup - half the time we were together - and that is how long they say it takes to get over a relationship.  So I am hoping for the best.  I am not sure I want to go through another breakup, though - does that mean no more special-love-relationships?  How depressing!

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Just to keep up-to-date, my knee is healing OK, but my hands are sore from walking on crutches.  I get off my crutches in January and it has sure been difficult being on crutches for 6 weeks.  I have been going to work and luckily they had a battery powered cart so I could get back and forth between my laboratory and my office, and other places too.  This is hard work!