Patti's Online Diary (2000)

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January 2, 2000:   Ten PM on Sunday before I go back to work.  Have I been SICK!!!   I couldn't get to sleep last night until 3 in the morning so naturally I didn't get enough sleep and had a relapse this morning.  The room was REALLy spinning.   (If I were 8 years old again I would have loved it.)   Buuuut... being 45 and still shell-shocked from the flu - it was torture.   So I trashed three perfectly good eggs and cheese by burning them, the first taste of which was like hard boiled snot, and threw them out.   I decided that since I couldn't shit, cook, or sit still - and I was starving - that I was gonna barf if I didn't eat.   The solution?   Make my dizziness everyone else's problem and drive to Carls Junior for an egg sandwich.   This in my purple nightgown and terrycloth slippers (I looked REAL stupid).   Hey, looks or barfing; looks or barfing - what would YOU do??

But that's ancient history.   I MAY survive tomorrow morning if I can just get to SLEEP!!   So, you ask, "Why is she typing on her diary at 10 PM if she is so worried.   Well, I won't tell you about the chili beans and sharp cheddar...    BUT - I just finished reading (and laughing and crying and thinking) through "Bingo" - the sequel to Rita Mae Browns book "Six of One."

You know - I really think that what makes us Human isn't our ability to do things the same way we think they have always been done.   I think it is how we can do new things, and do them well.   By doing them well, I mean imbuing them with the human spirit.   Think of it!   What if Edison, Alan Turing, Beethoven, Einstein, Patton, Gahndi, Pasteur, and countless others had never done anything differently?   Well, you wouldn't be reading this ramble, that is one thing.  Chances are you would be living in a log cabin, too, if you were that lucky!   The point?   Stop beating up on those who don't see or do things the way you see or do them.   Without those people we would all still be cave-dwellers!

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January 3, 2000:

Dear Bwen and P:

Happy New Year!
Amazing, isn't it?  I have been waiting for the year 2000 since I was in grade school.   I decided to kill two birds, so to speak, by writing you a letter that I am also using in my online Journal.

Thank you very much for remembering me during the holidays with email, and with the cool Christmas card.  The main thing this life is about is friends and love, and these are a gift of The Maker - you can't buy them.  Again, sorry I didn't get you a card out.  It was a hard holiday for me (same old story) - I know you have such a big family that you can "take your pick" of people to look at with a range from near-envy to near-pity.   My family is only 5 people (including me) and thankfully many hard things (like alcoholism) may be in the past.   Nobody in it is rich, and maybe even by next year we may start being real friends again.

I got the flu on Monday before New Years (three days after Christmas) and didn't regain consciousness for a few days.   By new years I could at least stand.  My mom and I also started communication problems.  She was a Lt. Comdr.. in the Navy and is used to getting her way - but at 87 it ain't gonna fly any more.   We are trying at least.   Maybe it was just the stress of the holidays?   Anyway, things are going better now.   Remember my "Love Life?"  - ya, I know it was "0.00" and it still is - but I *did* have a "virtual" love life (as in, "In your DREAMS, girlfriend!") - and that was a big pain.   It is also better now - simpler - one of my unrequited loves dumped me (can they even DO that with a virtual relationship?).   So, life is simpler.   The other one won't come out as lesbian (or bi) but she keeps making hints.

So, lets see - sick as a dog & no family celebration - how does that stack up against your Christmas/NY?   (heehee)   I did watch the Rose Parade as well as celebrations on the TV from all over the earth for the new millennium.   (I missed the Firesign Theater's coverage of the Rose Parade, though.)

I was thinking - I am too old to live my life by anyone's book any more.   I still wonder sometimes why I am changing my sex - it is a LOT of trouble.   Well, it is like this:  Once I realized that the Journey to Love/God was a journey inward, I had to begin to look there because to find God is to find the things I want - Joy, happiness, Love, Serenity.   Well, some serious looking inward revealed that I wanted to be what I am becoming.   It is as simple as that.   To do other than that would be to try to live for someone else other than me - to deny what God/Love put in me.   It would be like a ballerina who refused to pirouette.   "You can't do ballet and not pirouette!"   I am pirouetting in my life...    HAH    Too, it would be like DaVinci denying himself his artistic expression, I think.   I wonder what Saint Joan of Arc thought when she realized that to achieve the Purpose she was given in life would get her burned at the stake?   I sometimes wonder how many of us think thoughts like that when we have to publicly be a minority.   (Careful, girlfriend, thoughts like this may happen to YOU when you hit 45!   NNooooooo - say it ain't soooooo...)

Love,
Patti

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January 6, 2000:   Shoot!   What is going on here?   I have written now several times in a couple of weeks.   Hmmmm...  does that say something about my life, as in, "get a life girl?"   I am going to have to think about that one!

Not much going on really, just trying to get over this flu.  Of course, the flu is gone, but it seems to have decimated several of my important bodily systems, lungs, brain, and lower GI tract.  Well, a substantial number of cells were invaded and damaged or destroyed!   OK, so now I want to go to visit my friend in Bornholm, and she told me today that she is moving in a few months!   I wanted to visit her in the summer, but now that looks out of the question!   Shoot.

Soooo...   work and stuff - not much else.   Question:  What is Love?   How do you tell the difference between Caring, Love, Lust, and "please rescue me?"   Heck, when you really want to be with someone - what does that mean?   Are you being a "wet blanket" - or are you "clinging?"   A wise friend of mine said, "Listen to that little voice inside - to what it tells you to do."

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Feb. 7, 2000:   Well, over a month, but OK - I was sick.  My cough is finally gone and here comes my third Valentine's day in a row without speaking to my ex.  I guess it is a good thing we could live without each other, or else we would be dead!   Well, I have seen her a few times at meetings, but she wouldn't meet my eye or acknowledge my presence.  I keep telling myself that soon I will happen upon her with whoever she will replace me with in her life.   I came across a startlingly good portrayal of her lifestyle in a tape by Fr. Tom from Alanon.   Busy, busy, busy; come home, drink, and crash.   I wish her peace.   In a way my transsexuality was a great way to get away from that crazy lifestyle.   I know she saw it that way - she told me so.   Maybe I am a little bitter and angry.   Anyway, now I have Alanon and recovery and sanity - that is worth more than you can loose in a divorce - even a bad one.

I am very lucky to have Tammy as a friend - a sister really.   Some lucky man is going to be very happy to get her some day.   I hope I am around to see it.   We are going to exchange Valentine's goodie bags on V-day so that neither of us will have to cross the day off of our calendars.   Cool.   It is like Dianne and Ken say - Friends are the most important aspects of our lives, and I be very blessed with the most best.  I have never had a friend like Tammy, and my friends in Alanon are closer than my family - they share all their thoughts and dreams and pain and hope with me.   Mom and I are getting along OK (and she makes KILLER cherry brioche).

Five weeks and two days until my surgery and I am going CRAZY.   THIS AIN'T EASY.   And it doesn't come without a lot of psychological pain.   Too bad life isn't about avoiding pain - that would make it easy - just do whatever doesn't hurt.   I'm glad it's not that way.   Can you imagine how boring it would be?    It is like when I chose to go back to school and get a Master's in Physics.   I did it.   I gave up lots for it.   Now I am a lot older, but I have a good career.   I am also choosing to be what I have always wanted, needed to be - a girl.   I wish I could have done it when I was 17.   There may have been a reason I couldn't somewhere in "The Divine Plan."   Ya, there may have been a reason Hitler took over Germany.   We will never really understand.   I will never really understand - this is just what I am:

"I cannot run, and I cannot hide.  It came with me, locked inside."   - M. Etheridge

Love You,
Shelly

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February 19:   Just got back from running 3.7 miles and I don't feel TOO bad.   My mom is looking really sad and tired today.  She doesn't really like talking about stuff so I just try to be there if she wants to talk.   Just seeing her reminds me of a different era.   She was born before women could vote, or even divorce their husbands - even if they were being beaten.  It is good to see that we have come far enough that so many bad things are no longer done to women.   I really think it is very fundamental to human nature to try to force others to do things your way.   I believe that is why we have laws - to protect others from forcing their ways upon us.

Less than a month until surgery for me, for those of you out there counting.  Last night I went Line Dancing with my new friend Mary.   It was fun and we did the Electric Slide, Elvira, the Tush Push, and a few others.   I guess the classes are paying off.  I want to learn the 10-step and I am going to make Mary teach me next month.   No, wait, next month I won't be here...  well the month after, then.

The Seeds of Hatred are springing up all around me and it is pretty hurtful.  For those of you who don't know, there is an Stupid Proposition (#22) on our ballot to "Protect Marriage" (from what?).   It is another one of those "DOMAs" that are springing up around the US from the "Religious Right" - the same folks who brought you the now-famous views: "Women don't need the vote, their husbands will vote for them," and "Negros are 4/5ths human," and other charmers like that.   There just isn't any argument for denying anyone their rights.   Dear God, please let them dry up and go away.   BUT the odds are against us - it took Women over 100 years to get equal rights guaranteed by law.   The US fought the most horrible war in its history over freedom for the blacks.   Now they are fighting over Gays and are too stupid or ignorant to see the pattern.   Giving people their rights just saves everyone pain.   I don't like pain, but when you have nothing to loose, what else can you do?

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February 29:   Hmmm...  I seem to be averaging about 10 days between diary entries.  Hmmm.  Next month is the big day - off to Oregon for some major surgery.  Hmmm...   Am I nervous?  Well, a little bit I guess.  It is hard to tell with me.  My mind, reflexes, heart, & feelings all seem to be working OK.  So where is the big red flag supposed to come from?   I haven't run in several days - and of course, I am going to miss the LA Marathon again.  Poop.

I was coming back from my therapist tonight and thinking about what it will be like to finally be done with all this effort.  I guess all my thoughts on that subject are way too deep.  For instance - I was thinking today about how people seem to think (of course I can't read people's mind, but they seem to think these things) that this is a sex thing.  Like maybe I want to be sexual with guys, so that is why I have to have a vagina.  Well, that doesn't explain why I have wanted one since back when I was way too young to even know what sex was.  I have to admit, when I first started this journey two years ago, I thought that was a big part of it, but it isn't.  I guess I can and will forge whatever I decide to out of this.  Will I be a lesbian?  Bisexual?  Heterosexual?  I don't know.   I do know I feel good about myself now.   And we all know just how important feeling good about yourself is in this life, don't we?   Feeling good about myself is a very, very big reason I am doing this.   I know sometimes we wish life didn't demand difficult decisions from us, but it just does.   Our job here is not to avoid them, but do to the best we can with difficult decisions.   This one has taken me two years, and a TON of heartache and soul-searching.   But now I know what Happiness, Joy, Friendship, Peace, & Love really feel like deep down inside.   To me, these things are the voice of God in each of us who feels them.   I want to share these feelings.   I guess that is the nature of them.   I guess you could say I am a pretty spiritual person.   'Course, lest you be misled, not everything is perfect!   My mom is still being difficult (and some difficult decisions are coming up soon), and people out there still Hate their fellows, and that affects me too.   But I have something to reach for deep inside to comfort and help ease the pain of these things.

Ya, Alanon helps too:  "One minute/hour/day at a time,"   "Do the next indicated thing,"  "Easy does it."

Luv Ya, G'nite.

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March 14, 2000:   Tuesday night, and tomorrow morning I fly to Portland, Oregon to meet Dr. Meltzer.  I check into the hospital at 4 PM.  I am full of all kinds of feelings.  The last few days have involved much serious soul searching - especially in the wake of prop 22 - but I am in good company - women & blacks were both illegal minorities less than 100 years ago.  I have learned what courage is during these last few days.  I have also learned what it means to be loved and supported by my friends, who really care about me:  Thank you Lori N., Lori M., My dearest Wonderful Sister-Soul-Friend Tammy Tamster, friend Marilyn, Jan - my Guiding Angel, The Amster, my dear Alanon friends, and many others who expressed their love and support to and for me.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me what I needed when I needed it.  God really is love because it shows in all of you.  Your love helps me commit my footsteps to Gods light.

If this dang portable computer the company has let me use works OK I will be giving a play-by-play of my time in Oregon - at least when I can get a phone line!

Much Love,
Patti

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Early Morning: March 15, 2000:    On my way to Portland, Terminal 80 of United Airlines at LAX.  More after I check in...

    OK, so I have checked in.  "Bags with me at all times, and no strangers have given me anything to carry."  What do I feel?  Apprehension - can I actually have a feeling that complicated (as I feel)?  I wonder how my feelings will be changed after (the surgery)?  A man walks up hawking the LA Times.
5:15 AM: People start to show up to wait for the airplane.  What do I feel?  I feel good - my guts are on the line.  God is here.
    I wonder why I feel love for Tammy?  Is it just because I have used male/female relationships to get friendships?  I have wanted to be friends with my wives.  I just can't believe how good I feel.  Now I have Tammy and it feels so good that I cry.  Last night and the night before, she talked to me until *I* was done.  Do I wish she had something to say?  What I have is what I have to say, "I love you, Tammy."  I love telling her that - maybe I just love "thinking" it?  I don't tell her that very much because I don't want to sound like her lover.  Why?  She is straight and I don't want to mess up our relationship.  Do I really want her?  Or do I just enjoy pretending - or doing/enjoying a "virtual relationship" without the effort of one?
      A "T" just walked up with a fist full of flowers.  Just saw another "T" after I buckled in.  But were they "T's" really?  I see them everywhere - prolly just part of my learning to accept myself as a not-a-freak. PattiMichelle  I love you, Shirlster, sweet girl.
      My feelings are holding fast - I feel the same inside as always, "I love you sweetheart."  (to Patti)  I wonder - why am I afraid to write about how my feelings feel - do I feel embarrassed about the word-images to use?  Holy Spirit!!  The plane is taking off...   Here we go - Thank You for being with me since 1997 - I love you, I am you - we are one.
      Dear tammy, I love you so much because you are holding me so tightly and I am so scared.  We're both learning about life somehow, together.  Thanks you for the story about the friendly PT at your last appointment - I like it too when people smile at me!  Experienced travelers always seem to have something nice to say.  I feel like Tammy is like that.  I wonder what path - where our relationship will go?

6:50 AM:   My dear Gail - when I look at this little diary book you gave me I always feel a pang of hurt - thanks for the book - I will never know if you loved me or not, but I loved you.  The sky is Indigo and buildings are specks on the landscape - mighty rivers are tear tracks.  Tammy, I wish you were here.
    I see lakes - I think I might have seen Huntington Lake - sailboats - a deer running through our campground and the amazed looks in everyone's eyes - who knows what might have been instead of my failed marriages and relationships if I hadn't been Alanon and transsexual?  But the past is just that - life is toward the future.

Beautiful snow out the cabin window - the Sierra Nevada's.  Snowed over and frozen lakes too.  Where are we, God?  To love, God.  The Siskiyu's up ahead - snow covered.  How do I feel?  Bald, bare white peaks.  Maybe what has been missing all this time has been my tummy feelings?
    Extinct, exploded cinder cone.  I want a biplane and a small airstrip in the wilds of oregon.  Tammy: "Do ya think?!"  I will get books on flying when I get back and learn how.
    Mount Shasta - and a smaller cone mountain I remember seeing driving to Spokane to be with Mary decades ago...   Hi, Mary - I hope you are happy and loved and living where you are - the life you want!
    Why am I doing this?  Because I have wanted to.
    Horrible clear-cut patches on the landscape.  Oregon soon, then Crater Lake?  remember that, Jennifer and Jessica?  Dear God - grant me the means to help them all.  Another cinder cone.  I want to study geology, too.  That can be travel, too.  Tammy - it is like you are right here with me.  Didn't see crater lake - I just was feeling so very happy over all of this - now it is suddenly gone - maybe I am sad to have missed crater lake?  I can see upside down rainbows on the clouds below me.  We're going to land soon...

Evening: March 15, 2000:    Wednesday night in Portland!  It was a really good day today.  The flight was good, and there was a nice fellow named Paul at the airport to pick me up and take me to Dr. Meltzer's office.  Even though I had a little less than 4 hours sleep last night, I was in good spirits.  Dr. Meltzer is really nice and helpful.  I was pretty satisfied with his explanation of breast augmentation surgery, so I decided to ask for it.  A tracheal shave will wait until some other time.  After my AM appointment, I had a few hours before hospital check in time at 4 PM, so I walked around Portland - it is an AWESOME city!!  There is SO much to do, and the people are really friendly, and all the history here is amazing, and there are a TON of lesbians here - which I think is really cool.

    Naturally, I can't figure out how to send email from my laptop computer (the one I am writing this on in my hospital room) so I may not be able to communicate with my friends like I had thought BUT at least I can write this.  I just figured out how to place a collect call, so I am trying to call my mom to tell her I got here OK.  Too bad we aren't getting along better :(     - but she finally called me - so that is good.

    I am kinda amazed that I am not more nervous or something like that - scared - worried or whatever.  I feel really good and am excited about the changes that I will be going through.  Today I was walking along and these two beautiful dykes were crossing the street coming toward me.  One had such a beautiful smile - it made me feel really welcome as we exchanged smiles.  I am kinda out of energy now, though.  It is almost 7 PM and I have to finish my presurgical preparations (bowel prep) - ugh!   I am really tired after no sleep last night - but I am guessing I will be sleeping a LOT the next few days!

    You know, it is really nice when folks are nice to you.  I often feel like I am not a really friendly person - well - it is more like I just seem to say silly or wrong things.  I am still amazed that people are nice when I sometimes feel so clumsy in a conversation.  I gave the night nurses some Cafe Latte Bark tonight - sort of like white chocolate.  They were really nice and told me it was a nice thing to do for them.  I WISH I could have some - but it is liquids tonight...  nothing at ALL after midnight, and then...  Tomorrow at 8 AM we rock'n'roll!

Love,
Patti

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March 16th:   Thursday - surgery day.  I got my IV started this morning.  The flow of the IV is chilling my arm, it feels like.  I am excited about getting this over with and I am happy I have come this far.  I was afraid it was going to be late, but then I realized I have an extra hour.  It is 6:23 AM and they will be in to take me down to surgery at 7 sharp.  This is the last time I will have a penis and scrotum.  It is kinda amazing but scary too.  I have my two friends Big Red and Curls here with me and that is nice.  Higher Power, I am glad you are here with me for this.
    Sweetheart, I love you so very much!
    Sweetheart, I love you so much.
    There sure are a lot of Dykes up here - I wonder if I will wind up being one?  I love you Sweetheart.  Dear God - hold me close today and always, too - but be here now.  I love you.
    I remember when I was a teenager pondering the year 2000 - I never imagined that I would enter the new century getting what I always wanted!  Finally to be a girl.  The nurse just came in to check if I was awake and ready.  She said the anesthesiologist would come and get me to wheel me to the operating room so it is good bye for now, everyone.  I asked the anesthesiologist what he used, he checked the bottle, it was a perfluro-methyl-ethyl ether.  I will see you on the other side.

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March 17,  2000:  Well, about 24 hours postop!  It sure hurts like hell, too.  Lots of nausea from the morphine, as well as heavy discomfort in my chest and crotch.  Teresa is a really wonderful nurse, though, as are all the others.  This morphine makes it hard for me to remember names!  My friend Donna and a friend of hers came in to visit and just left - we were being BAD girls - talking about sex!  It is 12:15 in the afternoon.  I am feeling a little better since they let me stop the morphine - I am having salisbury steak, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, tomato soup, coffee, and tapioca pudding with whipped cream and a cherry on top.  How exciting!  Unfortunately I have no appetite to speak of, but at least the nausea is mostly gone.  My new vagina is SO pretty but it has all these tubes coming out of it and there are stitches in the oddest places.  It hurts too.  So do my "C" cups!  BUT - I am getting better and that is way good.  (This morning I was so sick still that I couldn't type or read or even nap because the room would spin.)  I feel all stiff and sore - like the way you get from too much exercise.

Dear God - thank you so very much for letting me do this - That I finally get to be a girl - I am so wonderfully blessed now - I have the best friends and I am so happy.

5:15 PM  Hmmm... dinnertime!   Chicken, asparagus, clam chowder and lemon pie.  Very nice.  I have scooted on my bed a couple of times, but my pectoral muscles are quite sore when I use them since the doctor put the implants under the muscles.  I am getting better rapidly - dang good thing I ran so much - I should recover rapidly.  The doctor gave me an extra two weeks off from work on disability.  That will be good because although I will be up and around rapidly, I probably won't be 100% for a while.  I wish I could get my security key from the hospital so I can call this stuff in!  I still don't know how I will call anyone since I don't have a calling card, either.   Tomorrow I start walking around.  It shouldn't hurt too much, but I have a feeling my strength level will be quite low - and I have a tendency to get nauseated when I am that tired.  We will see.

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March 18th:   2:00 AM  All kinds of thoughts popping in and out of my head during sleep - at least I am trying to sleep!  Wondering about future/past and wrongs.  I want to get home and get on with my life.  I also had things I did right.  Now I am a girl and need to take that fact really easy.  I have no idea what the future holds.  Work and bills, I am sure, but also joy, love.  I am really happy to be here and be done with this, too.
I love you Sweetheart.
7 AM - Out of bed!  After breakfast.  I am fairly comfortable in an easy chair in my room.  I finally got a lot of gas out!  I still feel ill and weak - sort of like when I was recovering from the flu.  I'm really exhausted.  Saturday, about 48 hours post op.  I have been walking around since about 7 this morning, with a couple of well placed naps.  My appetite is returning, too.  I still have a catheter and two drains attached to me, but I just carry them around with me.  I also have a ton of gas, which is a PAIN.  I could probably heat the building myself, single handed.  I just got a call from my friend Janey in England!!   How totally cool.  She called to wish me well and a swift recovery from my hospital stay.  She is such a good friend and we chatted for quite a long time.   I am really, really glad she called me - I have been wanting to hear her voice.  She has a very pretty voice, too.  I am so blessed nowadays to have such friends.  Blessed Be!

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March 19, 2000:  Sunday after surgery - been 36 hours since they wheeled me out of the operating room, and I feel pretty good all in all.  There is a lot of swelling down there and it can get pretty uncomfortable if I don't take my pain medication, but once I do it becomes very bearable.  I am now officially downgraded to a sort of outpatient status called a "Guest."  This basically means I can't really use the nurse call button any more.  They sort of help out when they can, but they don't keep any more medical records, and I get meals but administer my own medications.  Oh, ya, I also got my IV out, and a cap for my catheter so I can take a walk without having to carry that urine bag around.  A little later today I will take a walk down to a local mini-market and see if they have any psyllium of any kind.  (I like a lot of fiber in my diet.)

Doctor Meltzer came by today to say his good-byes - he was going to visit his family in New Orleans.  I sure hope nothing goes wrong with his handiwork while he is not around this coming week.  There are three other postoperative male to female transsexuals on the ward with me - Donna, whom I had met before in Long Beach last month and who had surgery on Tuesday last, Shelly, a former marine who will be released to go home tomorrow, and another woman whom I haven't met yet and is only 21!!   She is one lucky girl, I think, to be able to start so young.  But you know, the more I think about it, the more I realize I really like myself now.  I am not jealous of others.

We are all sort of keeping each other company on the ward, except for the young woman who seems pretty tired and sore.  Maybe being so young she is also very shy?  While Donna and her visiting friend Michelle (who had surgery in Canada a month ago) and I were chatting in the hall, a woman walked up to us and said she had overheard our conversation and asked if we minded if she brought her husband over to talk to us.  It turns out her husband (Danny) is a female to male transsexual who had surgery just this last Tuesday.  They had been a lesbian couple until Danny had the surgery and now they were becoming a "straight" couple.  Danny had a bilateral mastectomy on Tuesday the 14th and was just starting testosterone shots.  How exciting for them - especially since they can now get legally married.  It is wonderful to see a couple in love stay together as one of them finally deals with the pain of being a transsexual.  Quite remarkable people!  We exchanged phone numbers and email addresses so we can stay in touch.

I told Danny's wife about how I had been flirting with some of the many beautiful dykes in Portland, and she immediately replied, "Oh, I know what you mean!"  They had been flirted with on Tuesday - but she was so concerned that Danny identified as male that she felt dyke-to-dyke flirting should diminish a lot from now on - mostly because Danny went from "D" cup to nothing last Tuesday.  To me Danny just looked like an average twenty-something young man.  God, I just want to explore around here for a while, but I know I want to get home to see my friends and my dear, dear Tamster, AND to sleep in my own bed!

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March 20, 2000:  Monday.  I had another friend from work call me this morning to wish me well.  I guess this must be what they mean when they say that all you have to do is be open to the Love going on in the world around you.  I totally didn't expect her to call me, but she did.  I am feeling better every morning.  My gastrointestinal tract is finally coming back on line so I am not worrying about that any more.  The stitches still feel very tight and I am still worrying that I may have an unusual amount of swelling - but I also know I tend to be a worry wart!    So, all things considered, everything is going AMAZINGLY well.  I have been talking as much as possible with Shelly and Donna these last couple of days.  Shelly is leaving for California today - in less than an hour.  I wish *I* were going home, but I have a lot  more healing to do first.  Dr. Meltzer's staff is really special too.  Shelly, Donna and I have talked a little about our hopes and dreams for the future - it is difficult to know anything because in many ways we are teenagers since we have never lived - really - as women before.  For myself, I will just be happy that I can relax now that this is over and begin to discover myself.  I can take joy in my health and my many blessings, most importantly, my friends and recovery.

Wednesday I will get some of the larger sutures out and will being some of the important personal care exercises I will have to do from now on, called "dilating."  That will be very good since I will not have so many tubes coming out of me - less to carry around.

Emotionally I feel very good.  I don't feel depressed or anxious or upset.  I feel like my recovery has been an important part of that - learning to accept and let go of things - AND learning to listen to and trust myself.  Now I have a few resentments that I have to learn about and to let go - mostly having to do with my family and the decades gone by.

Speaking of the past - last night I had a powerful dream about my first ex-wife.  It concerned my own feelings of guilt and inadequacy in that relationship - feeling guilty for the fact that I "wasn't good enough" for it to succeed.  The dream was like being in a TV show and hurting her by loosing my temper - then really apologizing - and holding her while she cried out her hurt.  It felt very good - like I was letting her go.  I still have work like that to do with my second wife and my kids and stepkids - and I know that will take time, maybe a long time.  And I know that is enough for me and that the results of doing that work will be increased emotional health and joy.

I am so happy that I got to do this!  It is also totally cool that I finally get to find my own soul - and I still feel like me!  These things are a great gift in this life.  I feel like I would somehow like to give back.  I wrote a poem this morning for my friends Donna and Shelly who were here with me:

My Friend
My dear stranger, Sister, Friend,
Brief, lasting beautiful smile,
Whom God put here for Me, You, Us,
May your foot-falls trod lightly in
   the palm of your Guiding Hand.
You, none other, has this spot in my journey,
  And I am glad.

May your joy be as mine,
  And your heart too ride this breeze.
May your smile and laughter guide
  others in their path to Truth.

May your tears release and wash
  away life's stains,
And your Love be strongest
  of all.

ã Patti Michelle Sheaffer, March 2000

WOW - my nurse, Sue, just came in after I got thru with the writing above and removed the two 'drains' that were in my labia.  The only things left are a few stitches and the catheter - both of which come out Wednesday.  I can even start wearing my own underwear now!   I got my first look at my vulva today - in a hand held mirror - and it is sewed closed of course - but it looks AWESOME!!!!   What a BABE I am going to be :)

Love,
Patti

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March 21, 2000:  Tuesday.  Two friends from work called me, Irene and Yvonne (?) - actually I had just met Yvonne but we talked SO much about her family and about my personal life that I guess we are friends now :)    I am still at a loss about my own personal future.   I told Elaine that, too - that there "isn't anyone" and all those old feelings.  Well, we all have a purpose here and I guess I am going to follow that as much as I can.  If I love again, fine.  One thing I know is that I don't want a commitment that is empty - if love and passion aren't there - it isn't worth wasting your time on.  You have to be happy with what you do and you can't get into a commitment that isn't "right" because you also affect someone else's happiness!  Well, there ARE some people I love right now anyway - so I DO have love - I just don't have that special someone.  I believe that by loving as much as I can now, I prepare myself FOR that special someone.  So either way, the answer is always to love.

I also got a call from my Alanon friend Marcia.  That was good - I wish we could be better friends - I don't really understand why I can't seem to be friends with some folks.  I suspect everyone wonders that!

There is a downside to all of this - changing like this.  I have a family that cannot accept this change.  It is impossible to live with a family like that.  Real Family are the ones who love and support you.  Just because you were born and raised with a person does not mean they love and support you and does not mean they are your Real Family.  I have had to cut my sister out of my life because I can't be at peace with myself and have her in it - and I used to love her so!  Now it seems like I will have to remove the rest of my family from my life too.  I had thought when my mom moved in with me that she would change, but you can't expect other people to change like that.  They either accept you or not.  My brother still uses male pronouns on me and calls me by my old male name.  My mom periodically embarrasses me.  She even believes it is her right as my mother to do so.  It was a mistake on my part, and unfair to mom, to assume that she could change enough so that I could live comfortably with her.  It is too bad, but it is also too bad my family could never share their feelings, and that my dad was an alcoholic and did all those awful things to us - but that is life and there is nothing else to be done about it.  Now it is my turn to say, "I count and my feelings are important.   I am Patti Michelle Sheaffer, your sister and daughter.  If you treat her with love and respect, you may have her in your life.  If you don't want her, that is OK, but you may not look to me to be Patrick Michael because though you may believe I was that, I never was and will never pretend to be again.  ... Respectfully Yours, Patti"

I'm feeling better all the time.  Tomorrow I get my stitches and packing out and learn to "dilate."  (unlike a natal female's vagina, a TS's will shrink up if you don't keep it stretched out for the first year or so)   I also have to start getting pap smears - and breast exams.  Cool.   I can't believe it - today it actually felt good to put a pad on!   Well, I can always ride my motorcycle when I get back.  I can fix my scooter, too.  Yep, I can't wait to get outta here!  The good doctor Meltzer also says I can run two weeks after I get beck.  THAT will be cool!  I am sure I am gaining weight with all this hospital food.  And these "C" cups HAVE to weigh a pound or two.

Today I also got my first hormone shot in a month - I had to go off of them before surgery to prevent bleeding.  I was in serious PMS alright.  I feel better now.  It is SO good that I started taking care of my body a couple of years ago when I started loosing weight and running.  I am healing better than a younger woman who is here in the hospital here.  There really IS a difference in the quality of life when you take care of yourself and when you don't.  I think my body-age is like 38 even though I am 45.  I am DEFINITELY in better shape now than when I was 38...

Well, enough babbling.  I am glad of a few things that have allowed me to get this far: (1) regular exercise and healthy habits, (2) learning from Alanon and other things how to "feel my feelings" - there are no bad feelings - sorrow and pain and fear are JUST feelings, like joy & happiness.   You have to learn to feel them all, and not avoid any because you think it is "bad" to feel loneliness or sorrow.  (3) being able to talk to God, trust in God, and turn my pain over to God and ask to know what I need to learn - then accepting it.

I really sort of expected to be sad or depressed at this point - now that I am so much different.  It happens to a LOT of TS's - I am not, though.  I instead look to the love of others and when I need to, cry.  Nothing much has changed really, except now I am part of a minority group of people who are systematically discriminated against.  I still have friends and nothing could be better than that.

Love,
Patti

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March 22, 2000:  Wednesday.  Very busy morning!  Dr. Meltzer's nurse, Sue, took the stitches out of my labia and removed the packing from my vagina and taught me how to use the dilators.  It is a LOT of work and I have to do it several times a day for several months and it is pretty un-fun!  On the other hand, I am almost free of all the trappings of  the surgery (sutures, etc.).  Two more days and they take out the catheter.  I also got my first yeast infection!  Wow, am I LUCKY or what?  At least it was diagnosed quickly and I got the right medicine.

My friend's wife Annette called me today.  It was sort of a tough day - I guess realizing that my family will never accept Patti made me cry, as did remembering my lost step-family.  But then after a nap this afternoon I felt better.  Then the nurse walked into my room giggling with a crushed cardboard box in her hands that had stamps from all over the world on it!  My friend Hanne from Bornholm, Denmark, had sent me a present!!  It really looked silly all crushed like that - just like comedy shows that poke fun at the Postal Service.   Inside were 5 different kinds of Danish candy.  The Danish like salty licorice and nut candy - but they also like chocolate and toffee.  After that Ella from Dr. Meltzer's office came in and said the rest of the patients on the ward were getting together to get some chinese take-out.  So I joined in.  It was fun but I am still REAL sore down there.  I did get to meet Danielle and get to talk to Jennifer.  She transitioned when she was 22 - just out of college and nobody at her work knows about her.  Her mom is getting better and better about it.  (That makes me think it could be so with my mom, but I think so only if my mom and I weren't living together.)

So what started out as a difficult day actually got much better.  That phenomenon is what I think of as the "Way of Love."  When you remain open to Love, even when you feel really awful, then Love will come to you at the right time and you will feel better.

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March 23, 2000:  Thursday.  Long night last night - dilating every few hours.  This morning is better emotionally, too.  Donna is getting ready to leave.  A friend of hers named Susan flew up to accompany her back to LA, so I got to meet and chat with both of them, and Sue - Dr. Meltzer's BSN - came in and we all chatted.  Sue shared that she recently became diabetic.  Who would have guessed?   She is so young and strong and energetic, she runs, rollerblades, mountain-bikes and got me interested in trying it.  I guess it shows that you can choose to fight against physical conditions that others might let get them down.  She is a strong woman in ways I envy.  We hugged goodbye - it was lots of fun with her as my nurse - she likes to laugh and that makes everything better.  So it is just Jennifer and I left on the ward now, maybe it is time to get a picture...   I'll go get it later.

I am looking south out my windows - the sun had come up earlier with blue sky showing through patches of soft white cloud floating over the pine-tree-filled horizon.  There are trees everywhere and everything is very green since it rains most days here this time of year.  It is beautiful - like a forecast of what life is, can be, will be for me.  A bright future.  I love feeling optimistic, don't you?  The clouds are getting darker now, promising more life giving rain.  There is a beetle of some sort on the outside of the window who has been there all night.  I can see the public vegetable garden plots outside my window, too.  I am still sharing Hanne's Danish candy present which I got yesterday.  It makes a good story to tell to new people that I meet.  It has been lots of fun with my new friends up here.  I love sharing smiles and laughter and hugs with people.

I wonder if Donna and I will be friends?  Why DO people become friends?  There are lots of reasons, proximity, need, mutual interests, attraction.  One thing was for sure, it was wonderful having her as a friend at this time.  You could almost say it was some sort of divine guidance - such a slim chance of meeting like that weeks and weeks before surgery.  It was the only time she had attended that meeting - and I only went there rarely.  Yet we hooked up and knew there would be at least one person in Portland we knew when we went.  Interesting, but then, life itself is interesting and completely defies description, doesn't it?

Looking out my window again, I see a patch of vivid blue sky appearing through the clouds.  Bugster is still on my window.  Now the sun blazes its warmth on my legs.
----------------------------------

1:40 PM - got my picture of us all, and had lunch and dilated again.  I got to thinking about how many of us live "double lives."   I have more or less gotten out of the habit of doing that, although I used to live one - wanting deeply to be a girl yet trying very hard to be the male that society (and my families) demanded.   Now I have released that - and it has had several consequences:  I have lost my families.  I have no lover.  Everyone knows who and what I am BUT - I know what Love and Serenity are and have made a few good friends who are strong, caring, loving, and true.

God, I just had the most AMAZING conversation with Ella, one of Dr. Meltzer's assistants.  We talked for over 2 hours.  I think I am in love, but, alas, she has a partner!  :(

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March 24, 2000:  Friday!   Only one more day before I head home.  Lindsay just visited me this morning and took the last of the "removable" sutures out, as well as my catheter.  It feels much better, but still very tender and swollen.  By 11:00 AM the sun is seriously hot outside but I am told the air is very cool.  I really need to take a stroll at least once around the grounds.  What a gorgeous day outside!  The sky is crystal clear blue with a pale blue haze over the pine trees on the nearby pine ridge.  So far things on the first day with everything out are going really, really well.  Nothing more to be done except get on a plane and head home.  I did get on a waiting list for the final part of the surgery in November, too.  A couple of tips for people heading up here.  I brought up $100 cash and it helped us do Chinese take out once, as well as fill several prescriptions while in the hospital (they have a pharmacy here).  Before checking into the hospital I had to fill 4 or 5 prescriptions on the outside (Long's Drugstore) and that I paid for with a credit card.  Also, the water in the hot water taps in the rooms is just barely hot enough to shower with.  If you need really hot water (like for shaving) you can get it in your jumbo-sized Eastmoreland Cup at the nurses station at the hot/cold water machine by the door.

I guess I am a crybaby.  Darn!!  Who would want to have a relationship with someone like that?  Last night I watched "The Abyss" two times and cried like crazy both times at the scenes where the husband or wife give their lives for each other.  Then I began to notice pretty constant bleeding down below.  Then I noticed little hard spots all over my upper torso, and I wondered if they were bed bugs or something.  Geeze, with all this worrying I couldn't sleep at ALL!   This morning was hell waking up, too - headache, exhausted, worried and frightened.   Well, Lindsay told me the marks were from the surgical procedure and the bleeding was normal and everything else was fine, too.  That SURE made me feel better.  Our feelings and interpretation of the unknown can really get us feeling very badly.

I had brought a fair amount of work from my job to do in my 'idle time' here at the hospital.  Well, there really hasn't been ANY idle time!   I watched a total of about 3 movies the whole of my stay.  The rest of the time I was talking to folks, writing letters, or simply sleeping/recovering.  I had a Visual Basic program that I wanted to work on on my laptop, but didn't start Visual Basic even once.  I guess that is OK - I wouldn't say I am a "driven" worker any more, although I did the "driven researcher" act all through the 80's.

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March 25, Saturday 5:40AM   I am lying under the covers in my hospital bed typing just to kill time before Paul arrives to take me to the airport to fly home.  I have to dilate one more time and take my medications, then get dressed: I am already packed and ready to go.  Only my teddy bear, Red, is keeping me company right now in this dark, quite hospital.  It seems like there is nobody on the ward either.  I know Jennifer is down on the other end - we said goodbye last night.  I think I also saw a couple of other patients, but it is pretty empty.

I have been coping well with the catheter being gone - and that is very reassuring.  There is still quite a lot of discomfort everywhere, but nothing a little Percocet doesn't cover.  In a few days (or less) I won't need that either.

I wonder about how different things will actually be when I get back.  I wonder if some "friendships" will change?  I have been told that at least one person at work still is behaving in a hateful way toward me - trying to deny me bathroom rights.  At least I will be done, and I will finally be ME.  There will always be bigots, but I will be me.

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March 27:   Well, I DID get back OK on Saturday the 25th but I have been so busy that I haven't written since then.  It was a pretty long trip home, thank heaven for the "donut" cushion I had to sit on.  When I got back, two of my friends picked me up from the Airport and took me out for lunch and drinks.  We had marguerites and I got a little plastered.  It was great fun, and one of them made the comment later that I had changed somehow.  I know how - all the love I felt from my friends in England, Denmark, and here, as well as from Ella, Sue, Lindsey, Tara and Dr. Meltzer, as well as Danny and his wife Teresa, Donna, Shelly, and young, brave Jennifer - all that love affects a person.  It almost made the surgery I had just a minor part of the trip.  Well, it was a major physical part of the trip, but the spiritual part was much larger.  Funny, I never felt love like that at home.  It is so mind-blowing.  I am so grateful to Alanon and my friends for teaching me how to love.  Does that mean I think hard times in this life are over?  No.  Life is about dealing with hard times, as well as enjoying the good.  Nobody would wish life away that way.

Saturday was spend mostly resting after getting home.  Sunday was pretty much the same, but with lots of time for dilation.  Things down there are working pretty well and I am healing fine.  Monday I got up a little late, made some breakfast, dilated, then went in to work to return the laptop computer that they had lent me upon which I had written my journal entries while in the hospital (below).  The two hours that took sort of wiped me out.  I feel like resting now.

I was thinking earlier today that I seem to be operating at a lower stress level today.  I pondered that and realized that the heaviest decision on my mind right now is whether or not to cut my hair, or if I should dye it!!   That is a much lighter load on the brain than wondering if it is absolutely certain about changing sex!  So, cool, I can relax and be myself now :)

OK, for those who might be really brave and curious, here is everything I went through in a nutshell, complete with the results!

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March 28:  Dilate We Must!   I just realized this diary sure is taking a turn from spiritual to decidedly transsexual subject matter!  Oh, well, that is what is going on with me healing from surgery.  There were 4 sizes of stents that I was given by the doctor to stretch it out - I found last night if I let more than 10 hours or so lapse between dilation sessions, then it snaps back to the previous stent size - almost like starting over since I have not gotten past #2 yet!  So, I gotta nap more during the day (like at the hospital) and sleep less at night, and dilate every 4 hours if I really want to make any progress here.  I am also sort of in withdrawals from all the loving attention I received while in the hospital in Portland - which is to be expected, I suppose.  Still, it was wonderful how many people showed me so much love and support while I was up there alone.  The way Dr. Meltzer's staff supports you - someone visited me every day, and we had some terrific conversations and I learned a LOT from each one of them.  It is worth considering if you feel you may become depressed after surgery - human support is more important than many of us realize.

Well, I am online chatting with my friend Janey.  She lives in England.  It is great to have friends.  I am getting kinda tired and will probably head for bed now to rest until my next dilation!

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March 31:  Friday.  I am beginning to miss work - at least it is something to be absorbed in - but I know I couldn't do it because I hurt too much.  I am getting better, though.  I can spend a couple of hours out of bed for every hour I spend IN bed now.  I also got some email back from my friends in Alaska!  Love is SO wonderful - sometimes it is hard - you can't love if you have resentments.  It is often hard to give up resentments (I know because I have had to do many).

It is a beautiful day outside.  The wind is blowing and the sky is clear blue.  I don't know why, but at times like this I sometimes think of others:  On a day like today somewhere, someone is fighting a fire, someone else is hurting.  The list goes on.  I sometimes think of earthquakes, pain, suffering, and death.  Why do I do that?  Maybe because I have been worried and fearful all my life?  I don't really know.  I do know that my friends make everything OK.  I wish I could just be with them all the time.

I am making definite progress with my dilation.   Cool.

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April 2:   Sunday.  When do you think I am going to stop saying the days?   Am I getting bored, or what?  Ho, Hum.  Another day.  I feel so good and right nowadays.  I got to ride my brother's Kawi 800 v-twin cruiser motorcycle today.  Nice power band.  I cruised the beaches and tried to visit my friend Alicia but it was her day off.  I think I like that big v-twin better than my big 600 single - a LOT less vibration, nicer seats, and a really nice, wide, torquey power band.  Just the way I like bikes.  My bro says he is going to sell it.

Last night I went with my two best friends to see "The Vagina Monologues" which is a REALLY good play, showing coast to coast, and locally at The Attic Theater in Los Angeles.  One of my friends is straight and not acquainted really with either the Women's Movement or the GLBT movement.   At one point, when the play was describing the pain of women in Bosnia, she was crying.  She really liked the play a lot.  I recommend it for everyone.  Most people never know how hard women have had to struggle in the United States for their rights, and they STILL don't have all of them yet.

So, where am I at after all?  I don't really know right now, thank you.  Where am I going?  What does the future hold?  Dunno.  That feels strange, wondering about the future like this.  Of course I have a lot going on... moving, how to arrange finances, the games my mom will try to play on me, my feelings for my best friend.  Maybe I am just tired, after all, it HAS been a long day.  I guess some sleep about now couldn't hurt.  Today I finally was able to sit down without it hurting, well, TOO much at least.  That is progress, right?

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April 3, 2000:   Hooray!   Mom actually was able to use her public transit service to get home from the doctor's office!!   That feels real good.  One funny thing did happen - I was taking her to the doctor's office (she had that ride home) and I told her I was stressed by her rejection of public transportation modes - she replied, "How was your sleep last night?"  Yes, she changed the subject.   ::sigh::   I let it go...

Another day of more dilating.  I have to get bills paid and get rest too.  Last night was a hard one for me - lots of emotions - demons I call them.  Fears about everything my mind can come up with to be afraid of.  Best bet: go to sleep!  On the other hand, today is a beautiful day!  The sun is up and the sky is clear and life is going on around me.  I wonder what we do about Demons?  I know sometimes we kinda ignore them - sometimes we try to analyze them away - sometimes we pray for help or release from them.  What is best?  I guess not having them!  Well, we are all gonna die.  AND we are all going to be visited by our own personal demons from time to time.

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July - October, 2000:   A whole lot of stuff happened between July and October 2000!   I participated in putting on the first annual Relay For Life in West Hollywood!   I just got so busy with my mom and putting on the Relay For Life that I completely forgot to write anything here!

It was a really good time, but a LOT of effort.   There was a lot of trouble with the new American Cancer Society coordinator, who didn't give us proper credit for all our effort.   The result was that this year she is having to put it on herself - nobody wanted to volunteer with her!   Maybe she will learn this year, I don't know.  In 2000, we did manage to raise over $35,000 for the American Cancer Society.   That felt very good to be part of that in the same year that I had my surgery.   The sad part is that because of all the hard feelings, the team that put on the first Relay For Life in West Hollywood is no longer together.   I guess life is like that :-(

I did meet a lot of new people, and became involved with Women On A Roll.   The chair of our committee, Renee, also introduced me to a lot of West Hollywood, and I spend many days walking Santa Monical Blvd. trying to solicit donations for our Relay For Life 2000.   I hope I can be part of such fundraisers and meet lots of wonderful people like that in the future.