July 2, 1998: OK then, I guess I will write some more in case anyone cares...   Seven months later - three near suicide attempts - finally got smart enough to get on Prozac - these new feelings are very, very strong.  My ex kept me away from the kids and family at Christmas and New Years. She has been taking them to her ex-inlaws house - that hurts. OK, we have not spoken for almost all that time - my ex is *very* hostile and now we are doing the $5000 lawyer routine since she did not live up to our pre-separation agreement. I guess the kids don't want to see me either, this last two months I have sent them 5 letters, each with a present in them, but they have not said thank you or called - this is not that uncommon in step families, I guess, expecially since their *real* mom hates me, or at least acts that way.  Well, if I write much more I am going to get depressed!

On a lighter note, I have met some really nice people in the last few months, and have been getting lots of sleep. I am treasurer at both my Al-Anon ACF meeting and at the church I just joined (Joan of Arc), so I guess you could say I am trying! I finally have a real doctor, and met a wonderful therapist whom I really love named Jan Watkin.

One thing I have found out is that lots of people won't tell you they don't like you, they will make up games to hide it but still make you feel unwanted - so you will go away. This is how my family is handling my transition. My mom started calling me her favorite daughter, which made my sister angry, then they got in a war between themselves. When I stopped visiting them everything went back to normal. Some authors call this "change back" behavior - they want me not go be a girl since they knew me all my life as a boy.

Oh, ya, there was this asshole who I thought was a nice guy - well he is a nice guy actually - he just can't handle "me." Of course, he cannot admit it to himself or anyone else, he has to blame me for his problem with me. He cost me over $1,000 by saying he would help me rebuild my engine in his driveway, then turning into an as*hole while the engine was still not in the car!  I had to pay someone else to put it in... and it turns out that the car didn't need a new engine anyway! My guess is that most people reject TS's without actually doing it - they just hate them and blame them.

Also, I cry myself to sleep several times a week thinking about my family and ex. I really, really miss them and the time we had together before I told her about myself. I am told this is just normal grieving, and that it will take another 6 months at least to get through it. I certainly am learning how to pray! It really bothers me that my ex rejected *me*, not my behavior, not my habits, not what I did, but *me* - the fact that I have wanted to be a girl since I was little. Now that is REAL rejection, that is *personal*.

Ho, ya, and here is a list of hormone regimes and here is how to give yourself a intramuscular injection...

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July 20:  Hello again... Here I am further along the road. I read some books which have helped me a lot:
1. The Road Less Traveled
2. How to Survive the Loss of a Love
3. Faith in the Valley
4. How to Make It as a Step Parent
5. A Return to Prayer
6. A Return to Love
Of these, I would say the last one drew it all together for me. I am now committed to letting the Holy Spirit show me Love's course for my life. It is not always easy or fair (seemingly) - for instance loosing my family and spouse, but there is not much else I can do. Truth be known, it would be a breach of my ex's free will if God did not let her exercize her free will by breaking up with me. Really, it is only my ego that cries, "Foul!"  Those are spiritual meditations for today. I got in a long conversation with a coworker about our purpose here - to heal the world with Love. I guess I just could not be happier with myself than I am - I really love myself these days, unlike before wherein life was a constant battle against my inner demons. Granted, I still have inner demons, but *I* am not the demon! That is the difference. I am convinced that the NATURE article (referenced on my Home Page) showing the correlation between the size of the BSTc in the brain and transsexuality is correct. My sense of my femininity seems more "real" than my body currently is.

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July 25:  Well, I am feeling pretty relieved, I guess.  I just told my long-time work acquaintance/friend about being TS.  Both him and his mom are OK with it.  Cool.  My only other long-time acquaintance/friend has rejected me. Still another friend is OK with it.   'Course, my ex was not...   hope the lawyers can settle that rapidly and fairly - she and I can't even talk anymore. She is just so angry and rejecting, unless she wants help, that is... I guess I don't really blame her, but her feelings of anger are her own responsibility - there is nothing I can do about being TS - given a choice in life, I would want it such that there were never any TS's at all, I think. I don't have even the ability to change my own brain, though.

Stats: 0.6   ...not TOO bad :)

On the other hand, I have made about 6 new friends in the 3 months since I decided I was definitely going to transition at some point - all of them know about me: four of them are lesbian and very, very supportive. It makes me feel so wonderful just to be included in their social circle(s).

I feel so blessed.   I feel so real.   I feel so close to God.

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July 31:    The last two days have been pretty interesting - up and down!  On the up side, I spoke with a representative of our Human Resources department at work and she was very supportive and interested in my transition. It felt wonderful to be accepted as me. I will be transitioning in just a few months! Hooray!  On the down side I got a voicemail message from my ex-wife that my ex-stepkids do not want me sending them any more letters and presents. That hurt so badly - it felt really, really terrible.  Then she went as far as to return my presents and letters! Talk about covert hatred... Why do I still feel love for her and them?  I have also told all my close work friends/acquaintances about my Gender Dysphoria in preparation for transition. So far only one of them (a bible-thumper) has told me that he does not approve. I can see in his eyes that we are not friends any more (were we ever?). Too bad.  Why are Christians always both the first and the last to Love with God's Love?   I have been missing days running these last two months, and have gained 5 pounds :( On the other hand, I have not missed a single one of my Al-Anon meetings, and I have been Loving and praying and healing my old Co-Dependent ways. I feel very good. In a way my GD is sort of a "practical issue" - sort of secondary to healing my childhood hurts so I can some day be in a real relationship... So far I feel very good about having stayed out of a relationship of any kind since my ex and I broke up, until I can finish healing. It is a very healthy thing to do. I hurt so from the first half of my life, that I aim to live the second half (the last half!) my life as a healthy, Loving person!

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August 14:   Well, I just had another long (2 1/2 hours!) conversation with the HR representative at my company. She was again wonderful and my requests within the transgendered community of professionals has resulted in my knowing about several very successful transitions. I cannot believe how fast this is happening, and as it happens, I get clearer and clearer about what my feelings have always been, and how I have lived in complete emotional shut-down mode to avoid ever feeling them.

    I have made so many wonderful new friends these last six months. I still mourn the loss of my family and our family friends, especially Gerry and her family, but there is nothing I know to do about that. Maybe as I continue to grow and pray and learn how to Love from the Heart and Soul, I will just somehow know what I need to do. I find it especially helpful to stay close to the Holy Spirit these days.

    I made another new friend today! I told a coworker, Margot, about the fact that I would be using the Women's washroom very soon. She was genuinely happy and congratulated me warmly on my decision. We are going to go running together tomorrow morning, so I need to wind this up, but it is amazing how being totally honest brings out the best in folks.

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August 17:   I made two new friends this weekend whom I would not have had the chance to do as a male, I think. I ran with Margot Saturday morning and Friday night I spent the evening (until midnight!) shopping with Alicia, who owns a wonderful clothing/jewelry store, and her employee, Isabelle.  Both were really sweet, and we drank several beers and tried on outfits. It was great fun and we all looked great! I also played beach volleyball Saturday with my regular crew, who, I found out, contains two more of my coworkers - Jim and Grace. I am definitely going to start also going on Monday nights to play, now.

    As always, I still cannot get my lost family out of my mind, but it is getting easier to cope with.  Instead of dreaming of her last night, I had a dream that someone was telling me *about* her - she was not actually present. It still hurt. It feels like being left behind by someone you love.

    This is going to be a big week. We have meetings planned with a Corporate Vice President of my company, along with the entire management staff of my division of the company. We also may be able to meet with all the employees of my local workgroup (about 100 of them) by Friday to brief them on me :) We decided that the way to handle the "restroom issue" (if it even exists, really) is to designate one of the Women's restrooms (for several months) and install a door lock. I am not exactly excited about that, but it is really not that big of a deal. I feel pretty calm, but I know that there is a lot of internal stress associated with something like this, so I am trying to get plenty of rest and pray a lot.

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  August 18:  It has been so stressful this day that I nearly forgot who/what I am - I was loosing track of my identity - I pray very hard, and am blessed with a few angels in human form to be around who make it all worthwhile.  Life is hard.  But it is good.  The more I can love, the better it will be for me and everyone.  I pray for those who must go through this.  I know it will fade eventually, or maybe even soon (like the next time I go shopping, right?).

 All done with my personal briefing of the VP and the mid-level managers.  Tomorrow are the all hands meeting - three of them.  I get to tell everyone about me.

 Two very wonderful things happened today that I will remember the rest of my life:

 After the mid-level manager meeting - many who had known me and my work for over 15 years - I was trying to recover.  My HR person (Irene) and I were leaving and she put her hand on my arm saying goodbye, and I put my hand on her hand and I said, "Goodbye sweetie, and thank you."   At that moment I knew why I have always felt like a girl.  How do you explain this feeling to a guy?  Women already know it (at least the normal ones).

 I had also met with Irene before the mid-level briefing.  I was stressed and holding it in like I normally do before a scientific briefing.  I finally mentioned my stressed out condition to Irene (an MFCC, BTW) and she said, "That is the first time you have disclosed being nervous about this."  I thought maybe I shouldn't have told her, and began to doubt myself quite a lot.  The next thing I know, all my cares were dissolved in a flurry of discussion about makeup, earrings and this really nice dress she was wearing.  How did she know to connect with me like that?  Why did I respond so naturally and with sincere feeling?  I felt totally better, and I don't know whose doing it was, but it showed my why I have always thought of myself as a girl.

 Love,
 Patti Michelle

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  August 21:  Upsetting day.  Someone whom I thought was a friend took me aside and in a tone like she agreed, told me that many of the women have trouble with me becoming myself.  It hurts terribly.  This is what I opted for, in a sense; that it is better to be hated by others than to hate myself.  OK.  I can live with that, I guess.  Better to have a few close friends than to be merely smiled at and "liked" by everyone whom you have absolutely no meaningful relationship with.  They all say "We Like Patti, BUT..." - that means if I killed myself I would at least give them some gossip, but if I otherwise completely disappeared, their lives would not be hurt in the slightest.  Like the song says, "Hold on to the ones who really care, in the end they will be the only ones there."  We fool ourselves when we let ourselves think that our acquaintances mean much to us, or us to them.  I wish this were not true. As for me, my struggle is to Love through all of this and remember that Good People were crucified for Love.

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  August 23:  I am totally ready for tomorrow - my first day at work as Patti Michelle.  It is very exciting. I also thought I might put on-line the Executive Summary which I  used to summarize my condition to folks, including management.  Also, I am putting online the text of my explanation of my condition to my fellow employees.  I hope these come in useful to someone, sometime.

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  August 24:  All I can say is, "Wow."  I would have never believed how wonderful it is just to be me. You never realize what was missing until you find yourself.  unfortunately, many of my coworkers are experiencing deep psychological pain, and attributing it to, among other things, religion. It is sad. There is nothing I can do, though. I empathize with them and commend them on their strength - the ones who *do* talk to me. Apparently, this is one biological condition that they would rather I *not* get medical attention for...   I pray that I can remain in my Love and see everyone I meet with God's eyes, even those who judge me wrongly, for I know they are simply in pain. I know I will be the best I can be if I remain deeply and constantly in contact with my Higher Power. Only Love is real.  Only Love is power. All else is the bizarre creation of human egos trying to suppress God's Love. I dwell continuously in Love and thereby always follow God's will for healing the world. There is no room in Love for anger, judgment, hatred, fear or even weakness - only Love is real and strong. Only Love is Peace and Freedom from Fear.  (Notice I use a capital "L" for Love? That is because "God" and "Love" are synonyms.)

 Heavy, huh? It gets me through, though.

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  August 26:  It took a while to do, but after Monday I was emotionally exhausted.  Tuesday started out worse and steadily got even worse.  At noon I had to go home and cry.  I felt a little better after crying, so I went back to work, but only lasted until about 2:30 (I normally work until 4 or 5).  It is SO weird - some folks with whom I have chatted, laughed, and smiled for 10 years or more can no longer face me in the hall.  They want me to use only one bathroom (on the far end
of the building) and they even put a lock on it (I don't know why, but I know I can be locked out of it!) and even a sign saying to lock the door upon entering.  I am humiliated totally.  Three people have decided I am a total sinner and heading for hell, two tried to convert me from my sin (do YOU feel like a sinner being female?).
SIGH!

 I tried to get to bed early last night, but couldn't - I forgot to fill the liquid helium dewars at work before I retreated at 2:30, so I had to go in.  I didn't get home until 10PM.  I felt awful - I feel OK now (6:30AM Wednesday) but I don't have much "reserve" battery power in my heart (I need more sleep to have that!) so I am hoping things go more smoothly today.  I also plan to get angry if folks don't shape up!  The lock and sign on the bathroom HAVE to go, too.

 I did get to run 5 miles yesterday afternoon, so I feel a little spiritually "cleaned out" - if you know what I mean.  On the up side, two folks have come to me and said I am both brave and that they support what I am doing and also that I can come to them and talk any time. It is a little embarrassing to hear stuff like that - I am just being me - but I know it is well meant. I wish I knew more about how to be a friend and how to make friends.  I really don't want to burden folks with these feelings unless we have a friendship worked out. Oh well, dwell in Love and you will endure!

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 August 28:  Geeze, what a week! I realized last night that I know *exactly* how Pinoccio felt when he realized he finally got his wish to be "real" rather than a wooden fake - that is how I feel right now - that I have been given the gift of reality, at least in my own eyes, after 40 years! (What a miracle.) On the other hand, I think most everyone else sees me as The Beast (from Beauty and The Beast) - what is ironic is that I know also what the Beast felt like.   What do you do if you are a lesbian in a guy's body?  Well, you start by changing your body, then hope for the best... I feel inside like a teenage girl who dreams of love, yet knows it is far away.    Of course, think positive, it could be worse!  :)
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August 30:  Well, not bad for a weekend.  Hotter than heck here... I did find a store that had some shoes in my size so now I am all set for next week. I feel better
and ready to face Monday and all the folks I will see. I only ran two miles tonight, but I did get to have dinner with my friend, his mom and another friend. It was fun
and I felt good - they seem to accept me. That is good and I am invited to go to the movies with them tomorrow - that will be fun. For now I need to sleep and to pray and meditate and recharge my emotional batteries so I can face life with Love tomorrow.    My mom really is having trouble accepting me - she keeps reverting to male pronouns and worse. I wish she could talk about what is bothering her and either admit that she cannot accept me at this time, or else just stop digging at me. It is too bad that she cannot talk about her feelings with the other members of the family, but that is not the way our family has worked - too bad. Oh, well, I am sure
it could be worse. This is what happens with a seriously codependent family! I am so very glad I found Al-Anon/ACA because I have learned to talk about my feelings and not act them out unnecessarily. Also, the requirement for me to be in years of therapy before I can transition has given me a chance to deal with myself in a way that most people have never done and will never do. (Remember, "The unexamined life is not worth living.") I feel better now than at any other time in my life.
  On the down side, it looks like my ex-wife will try to mess my life up as much as she can. It is sad. I pray that all will go well now - we have not spoken in many
months - so naturally I assumed that there was no overlap in our lives, but she appears to be trying to cause me pain. I have never known why she does this. Many people try to play to prejudices - nobody tries to think clearly. One of the last things she said to me was, "One thing you have never understood about me is that I *MUST* win." To me this is a scary thing to have heard and to think about as the divorce approaches, especially since she has already stated she plans to lie to the judge about being under duress to sign a divorce agreement.

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September 6:  Labor Day weekend, and I still have a job!  Wow, I can't believe how well things are going. I tend to get depressed, but then I see folks who are old or disabled - if alone is all I have to deal with, cool. I ran 6 miles Friday and three miles Saturday and Sunday. Beach Volleyball was a sort of drag on Saturday since I got called "he" - I wasn't ready for that... I also saw my ex running on the street on the way - I wish I could get over her. I have no cause to think about her other than my own feelings - she tossed me out, not the other way around. Oh, well, life goes on doesn't it?

  In a couple of months it will be my birthday - the day she told me to be gone from the house when she returned - a year ago. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I keep remembering good times. Some things seem like only yesterday. I wonder where they went and why. I know why: at least partially because I have been in constant pain all my life. Now I know why, but so what? It is funny how emotions work. Books I have read about breaking up relationships point out that these feelings are natural - but she was such an exceptional woman. Sigh.

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    September 13:  I went and saw my friends April Ann and Lynn last night - just to pick up a print of her art that they had made for me.  It is always cool talking to them since they accept me. We talked about old relationships - those first one(s) from our teens.  Can we recover those feelings? I say, yes; I know we can because it happened between my and my ex. I felt more for her than ever anyone else in my life, even that first girl I loved so much and felt so much for/with. It totally brought me into the present and let me live in the 'now.'  The thing is - it took/takes years and years (sometimes?) to get to that point. I suppose that is true because we are all so 'wounded' at this age that we have a lot to go through before we can know each other well enough - and you have to be willing to be kind and considerate ALWAYS, and apologize completely when you mess up. I told her so this morning in an E-Mail.
  One woman I thought was going to be good to me at Beach Volleyball has reverted to using male pronouns on me. It hurts so much. Everyone else seems OK but her. Is she testing me? Trying to drive me away, or is she just a closeted Bit*h? I don't know. I don't know whether to never go back or just to confront her on it.  Peace be with you.

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      September 15:  Well, I went to bed a serene girl last night :) - I went to beach volleyball and that woman was not there. I was hoping she was so I could pull her aside and ask her why she was reverting to male pronouns with me, and if she could stop, or else not use the 3rd person... but since she wasn't there, I couldn't tell her.

      I did have a good time playing and tried hard to be bright and sunny and fun and complimentary and supportive of my team. One friend, George, was offended at me, I think, for running away last time (he didn't know I was crying, I think) but I think he is seeing that I am trying my best not to do that to him again.

      Life is funny - sometimes your heart just hurts SO much that you cannot believe that God would allow it - S/He must be punishing you - you think. Then, like last night, life can be so peaceful and serene that you thank God for letting you experience it. I guess you could tell me that I made my own serenity last night - but I tried not to cry when that woman was using male pronouns on me - I just couldn't help it. Sometimes there is not much you can do...

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      September 22:   It has been a while since I posted, mainly due to a problem with my .HTML editor, which I have since fixed...   Let's see - life seems to be staying about the same, difficulty-wise.  Always there are ups and downs, but what is special about that?  I went to a Ballroom Dance class last Wednesday and learned the basics of the tango, waltz, and swing dancing.  Cool.  I am also struggling along with trying to understand and deal with friendships.  I believe it
will be worth it in the long run.  I am not interested in a "relationship" with anyone - I just want to learn what a real, intimate friendship is, and to find some people to be friends with.  I wonder if I will ever have the time and energy to do so?  I wonder if I will ever have a friend(s)?  Will I ever love again?

    I am beginning to see some of my fellow employees in the halls again - remember that I mentioned that a few were visibly upset by my revelation and transition.  They are still obviously having trouble dealing, and I wish I could help, but I don't know how.

    My ex still seems bound and determined to waste thousands more dollars to get much more than her share of the shards of our lost marriage.  I guess this means that it will be in court in a month or two.  It is too bad we could never discuss and negotiate, her and I.  That inability is one thing I do not miss about our relationship.  On the other hand, I do think of my ex-stepkids a lot - I wonder if I will ever get to share my feelings for them?  I met a nice gal at the Long Beach T* group last Friday - Patricia - she is in the same place, except that her kids are not stepkids, they are her real kids.  She seems so nice and thoughtful and decent, it makes me wonder how there could be any problem between her and her kids.  I guess that social forces can overpower almost any aspect of our character and natural affection, even the bond between parent and child.

Luv,
Patti

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      September 24:   Not a terribly exciting day, but last night was memorable.  I went to my Wednesday Al-Anon Adult Child Focus group meeting.  I didn't share (for a change) but listened to others' sharing.  It was very good to hear what they were sharing.  Afterward, several of the women came up to me one by one to talk, and it was very warm and loving.  I was able to share one-on-one, especially on my beliefs on why we are here and what it takes to have a real relationship and friends and intimacy.  I left feeling very peaceful.

    My secretary still cannot speak to me more than in clipped sentences and superficial politeness.  Several other secretaries are also having similar problems - including some female technicians.  I would say, however, that most folks seem to be handling my transition OK.  I try to be only concerned with myself - what do *Am* feel at a particular moment, and am I feeling and experiencing Love flow in me...

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      October 1:   A week since my last Wednesday Al-Anon Adult Child Focus group meeting - I went again last night.  They sort of insisted (lovingly) that I share, and I did.  A new friend, Amy, gave me a worry doll that was attached as part of the decoration to her coat.  It is about 3/4 inch long and cute.  I had a very hard day, I don't know exactly why, some days you just can't get over the blues, the sadness, the loneliness.  Now that I am writing this and heading for bed, I remember last night a little better - my once-a-week intimates at Al-Anon.  I wonder if I will ever love again?  Don't we all love that when we loose at love?  Doesn't it always come again?  I don't really know.  When I am not feeling so down, I realize that I have known love very deeply, and that is all one can really ask from life, isn't it?  It is just so hard to see once friendly faces turn to living, breathing, ice-cold steel; and hearts that mean so much to me to simply stop.

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      October 4:   Sunday, and back to work tomorrow!  It has been a long-ish weekend.  I didn't get much accomplished but I *did* get a chance to think and rest and meditate and pray.  It occurs to me that there is a natural explanation for what is happening to me in the friendship department.  Normally in life, friends come and friends go and very, very rarely, one stays for our entire lives.  This turnover of relationships is a natural fact of the changes that happen in our lives.  In my case, or the general case for a TS, this is such a big change that the turnover happens sort of "all at once."   The problem is that it takes time for new friendships to develop the depth of those we have lost, so there is an interim period when after transitioning we have little in the way of deep, sustaining relationships while we become who we will be the rest of our lives.  This is darned hard, and is a very good reason to have a very good therapist.  In my case, I also found one good friend to help me sustain myself.  She is part of a minority/oppressed group herself and understands my position.  We are not really very close, and don't even see each other on a daily basis.  We don't go shopping together, eat lunch together, don't see each other on weekends or in the evenings, but what counts (for me at least) is that she is totally accepting and supportive of me.  I can remember she is there and know I can trust in her with my deep and personal feelings.

     So far I have lost every friend I had before I transitioned.  There are a couple who have not come right out and said they reject me, so I am hoping for the best with them - maybe in time...  I have also gained a few new friends whom I am very, very thankful for.  These relationships will take time to develop, but they all seem to accept me for myself which is a very important thing.

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      October 7:   1:34AM - up crying - can't sleep - so much lost and wasted, yet helpless to do anything about it.   I think that Love is all that is real, and that I don't want to think any thoughts that are not of Love, ever again.  But my perception is only of loss.  Children I Love.  The woman I Love.  The pain, anguish and despair.  Wondering, why again... ever again?  Doomed to repeat?  I should laugh, but it was almost dry tears tonight - they are worse - the tears that won't come..

    Today I went to a party for a girlfriend of mine who is getting married.  She is marrying a co-worker as I did, once upon a time.  I do not mention this similarity to her, but today Bob and Dave were there, too, both former managers of mine, and they gossiped over this fact in front of her.  Ha, ha; big joke.  Do they have feelings at all?  I don't know if she heard or felt their gossip, but it was wrong, and they knew I was there listening, too.  Why are people so stupid?  Why aren't those in charge of the world more Humane or at least able to admit their faults?  On the other hand, perhaps they have and it is only my grudge that lives on.

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    October 13:    Had a pretty tough evening last night.  I saw my ex driving what used to be our van with whom used to by my stepdaughter.  It just tore my insides up - I had been hoping that I had succeeded in "letting go" but apparently I have not yet.  I keep punishing myself for not trying to see my ex-stepkids, but my letters are returned so I can only assume they do not want to see me.  I have read that this is not uncommon when stepfamilies break up, but I loved them like my own children, but that does not matter, they know who their read dad is.  Maybe when they are older and don't feel like they have to keep up appearances for their mother's sake (my ex-wife) they may consider getting to know me as a person.  On the other hand, they are being raised homophobic, so they may never talk to me again.  I wrote a letter to me ex-stepson offering to pay for him to go to Outward Bound, which he had been very keen to do, but his reply (through his mom) was to tell her to tell me not send any more letters.   So, I have not.

    My own family (brother and sister) scarcely talk to me, unless they are allowed to call me "Mike" and use male pronouns on me.  They seem to blame me for being what I am.  Such is the price of being transsexual.  At least I am healthy and employed.  The divorce debts mount steadily as my ex tries to get more than her half of our former assets, too, but I know I may love again someday, and that person, not the family that rejects me, deserves my financial gain.

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    October 25:    I have seen my ex several times in the last few weeks as she runs for exercise - I find I still must turn my head and look away or else I start crying.  I still think of her often, like today when I ran 5 miles.  I thought of the kids, and the family, and all the people whom I will probably never see again, at least they will never see me again as someone they love.  I know dwelling on such thoughts is pointless, but you have to express yourself sometimes.  There seems to be less and less to write about as my life becomes more mundane - work, sleep, missing the family, and growing.  There is always the growing - that is a good thing.  Last weekend I baked again for the first time in a year - since leaving my ex and her kids.  It was a lemon cheesecake that I used to always fix and everyone used to love.  I think today before I go to electro I will bake some oatmeal raisin chocolate--chip cookies, which is another of the recipes I used to fix.  For now, it is off to work for a few hours...

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   November 21:  It has been a while, again!  Sorry.  I am not really sure about why I am keeping this online diary...   I know I am trying to help others who are planning to, or are actually going through, what I have gone through.  Maybe I am also using it as a mode of self expression.  I suppose that is OK, too.

    Well, it is nearing the one year anniversary of my ex-wife telling me to move out.  I have learned a lot in the last year, and, I guess, therefore, on the whole, it has been a good year, but there was also a lot of pain.  (I feel better about pain now, by the way, and see it as something gifted to me by God, although I try my best to avoid it!)  My birthday is on Nov. 28th - the anniversary of my moving out!  What a trip!

    A couple of things I have learned these last two weeks.  1. From an interaction with my therapist and psychologist, I have understood that I am still a spoiled brat.  I don't want to be that any more because it affects in a negative way how I interact with others.  I want to be able to interact with others in a most loving way, not in a way that makes our interactions harder.  2. From a dear friend in AlAnon, and a way I behaved at my Home Meeting last Wednesday, I realized that I am self-absorbed, maybe not totally, but more than I want to be.  I took offense at male pronouns being used on me repeatedly by folks who know better.  I lashed out at one very nice man, which I am ashamed of doing.  I am now in a quandary - what should I do?  Should I distance myself from those people?  Should I just continue as if nothing had happened?  Maybe I should simply explain myself to everyone?  That last path seems the most "right" if you know what I mean...

    I have been Patti Michelle, a female officially, at work since August - three months (well, close enough!)    I feel wonderful about it from an objective point of view, but it gets hard - I know everyone knows, and I find myself trying to discern whether or not certain people accept it or not.  Some very obviously still do not (most of the women secretaries who used to like me).  They will not talk to me any more, for the most part, and simply lower their eyes and walk by me in the hall.  One friend of 15 years still ignores me - he thinks I am sinning, as does the rest of the Bible Group (a semi-official club) in my building.  A few very much appreciate what I am doing, but I never know who will come or go in a relationship.

    On the plus side, two old friends are OK with me, although one of them is moving to Detroit in a few weeks - him, his wife and daughter are all just perfect with me and it feels so wonderful.  His wife has been super and I am so glad to have a real girlfriend finally.  Their little daughter (5 years old) even used female pronouns on me the other day when we all went walking to the playground.  For some reason, life is still hard.  I am sure it is my self-absorbtion as well as my spoiled brat inside that is making it so.  I need to learn to relax and just be free of these things.  Holy Spirit, I am ready for you to show me a new way to be.

Love,
Patti