Dear reader:   If you aren't familiar with, or haven't read this type of thing before, then be prepared to feel uncomfortable - your world-view may change dramatically.  My story concerns 'gender' - which may well be the deepest perception we have.  Our own gender is the first thing we know (scientists unequivocally measure gender self-perception in 6-month-old babies) and the last thing we forget as we become senile.  So it is very, very deep in us, and when it shifts we feel discomfort.  But it is real, and being Human means sometimes learning uncomfortable things.  If you're still with me, please feel free to read on.

My diary is unedited, I don't go back and 'clean it up,' so it reflects my actual state of mind and heart at the time of writing of each specific entry.  It begins about 6 months before my ex-wife and I split up, and not long before I told her for the first time that I had recently discovered I was a Transsexual.  Before discovering this fact about myself, I only knew, and tried to ignore, that I felt something deeply wrong and ugly with me.  My choices were either keep it buried or kill myself - nothing I did every made it feel better.  Suddenly, after beginning to take estrogen, which suppresses testosterone production, I felt reborn and clean for the first time in my life.

Since early childhood I was aware that I felt like I should have been a girl, but I didn't know that meant I was a girl - that my gender self-identity is female - we are who our brains say we are, not who our bodies say we are.  Although I didn't know it until a year after I discovered I was a transsexual, something happened to me during the formation of my brain in my mom's uterus with the result that some brain structures, one of which is now known, developed as required for a female brain, so I couldn't feel comfortable in the male form.  (In the uterus, the brain's gender forms at a different time than the body's gender.  A mismatch occurs in about 1 in 2,000 babies.)  Yep, female brain in a male body.  Ouch!

It is nearly impossible to describe to you how much discovering this has meant to me, but I can tell you that it was absolutely necessary to risk my marriage, family, home, career, and life to do this because I couldn't find any reason to go on living unless I could deal with it.

So, here is my diary - not everything in my life during these times, for sure, but I put it here for you, dear reader, who may have an interest.  Maybe you have a friend or loved one, or maybe you are called to do it yourself.  Looking back I can see that I was fairly unprepared for what happened, but I managed to get through.  Here is my story...            (And here's some suggestions for preops)

1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 , 2008

   Patti's Online Diary (1997)
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July 6, 1997:   Hi folks!  I just put up my June vital stats.  I am now regularly taking 3.75mg of premarin a day (half in the morning and half in the evening).  I feel like my breasts are getting bigger, but it does not show in the measurements, I think because of the weight loss (I have a low measured weight of 201.5 lbs from my dieting).  I think that removes some size from the top of my body too (see salad recipe).  Well, I have had my second session of electrolysis and all I have to say is OUCH!!! (those breasts are TENDER).  I am hoping it will get easier :)  It is really irquesome having hair around my nipples, and I am worried that taking DHEA will increase its growth rate.  BTW:  Has anyone found a good medication for dulling the pain of electrolysis?  I have tried EMLA with a *little* success, but what about aspirin, etc.?

A few people have asked about how I am loosing so much weight even with my taking Estrogen.  Well, I read in the Mayo Clinic newsletter that you can eat ten times your weight in calories, and still loose a pound a week, as long as you exercize.  So for me, that is about 2000 calories a day, which is actually quite alot if I don't fill up on sweets and very fatty foods.  I still go out about once or twice a week and eat pretty much anything I want... but I don't snack (much) and when I eat at home, I try to stick to salads with nonfat dressings.  There are actually alot of great tasting nonfat dressings out there now, and I really like Caesar dressings (Berenstein's).  Here is my favorite salad recipe:

1 large bowl of preshredded lettuce
1 cup shredded cabbage
1/4 cup crumbled Feta cheese
1/8 cup shredded romano cheese
1 cup nonfat croutons (garlic or herb)
1/4 cup nonfat Ceaser salad dressing
1 small tomato
(optional) dash of Tobasco sauce
(optional) 1/3 tin of anchovies :)
(optional) 1/2 tin of smoked baby clams

(...these last three are only if I am feeling very bored and need some sort of excitement!)  I never used to like salad, but I could eat variations on the above recipe seven days a week.  I might also mention that you should eat the following ratios of foods - breads+grains:fruits:meats:fats as 7:5:3:1, which is obviously low fat :)

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August 14:   Well, if you haven't heard by now, I have DONE it!!  I told my wife about my Transsexuality!  I still cannot believe this myself, and I am vaccilating between extreme excitement, happiness, and upset, anger, and depression.  I actually think it is more "mental" for my wife, since she is getting all this Transsexuality "cold turkey," so to speak.  Click Here if you want to read my "outing" letter to her.  I had an incredible time writing it, with only a minor revision or two, but I felt the emotions SO deeply, that I *still* like to read it from time to time.  I also showed her a little TS info pamphlet that I cloned, and you can ask me for a copy if you like :)

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August 30:   OK, now, it has been a couple more weeks, and my mate is still struggling with my transsexuality.  We have gone some places together and she is happy with how much happier *I* am, but she is struggling with the concept of my being "really" a woman "on the inside," and what that may mean. I am sure she is also worried about what disclosure of this would do to our careers (I am a scientist at an Aerospace company and she is an engineer at the same company). I go up and down in my feelings about my transsexuality, but I feel these mood swings are probably due to being tired, since the transsexuality answers all the important problems I have had since I was little.  I almost told my mom (84) and sister today, but did not. I don't know when I will - you just have to go very slow.

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September 2:   I just got back from getting some electrolysis on my breasts (ouch!). Hey, I wanted to tell you that I still have not convinced my mate to accompany me to my therapy session(s). Last night we had one of the most relaxed conversations (rap sessions) about "us" since I "outed" to her. I could tell that she was pretty emotional (upset) but she was able to talk at least :) She admitted that she had nobody (except me) to talk to about this - if you read my outing letter to her, then you know I had thought of this - and I agreed and sympathized with her about that fact. I then later tried making a subtle suggestion, since an overt one is always denied by her: I said, "I wish I could remember everything you are saying so I could ask Davis [my therapist] about them." I think it sunk in, that I would like her to get involved with therapy with me, at least so she could have someone to talk to. I will let you know if she finally decides to go.

Oh the positive side, my wife and I are now running together for exercize, so we get to spend some time together being "friends."  We used to exercize separately, but that was also a big time waster, too. Now we are more efficient, in addition to the fact that I get to spend more time with her :)  She usually says a few things that are hurtful, but I realize that she is under alot of pressure being the mate of a "guy" who is morphing into a "girl."  That has GOT to be heavy!!!  I couldn't take her occasional acidity if I didn't have such deep feelings for her and if I didn't feel so very good about what is happening to me :)  Have a great day everyone!

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September 6:   Hey, I got one of those "day planners" with a zipper and it is SO fun carrying around like a clutch bag :)  Since I am not "out" yet, I can feel feminine and still not look like a wierdo!<

OK, last night something interesting happened.  Well, I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but I *used* to rollerskate on the beach for exercize (one of the things I do to loose weight) and I had been telling my wife that when I get below 200 lbs., I would start running at the track with her (she runs 3 - 5 miles each day - about).  So, now that I am below 200, I started running with her a couple of weeks ago (even though she is still having serious trouble with my TS status - is she great, or what!).  Well, for the first time last afternoon we went running *with* her best girlfriend (or her "crazy" girlfriend, or our neighbor, or whatever you wanna call her...) and of course, I took my "clutch bag" and was sort of trying out me female personality.  Well, we wound up going out for drinks afterward (with the kids, too) and it was sort of fun, although I can tell I have ALOT to learn about relating to women!  Well, my wife says, "I have to walk my girlfriend home" afterward (she lives 2 doors down the block) and was gone for 2 *LOOOONGG* hours (I was in pain!  What was she *doing* there???). Well, she gets home at midnight and tells me that she "outed" me (not those exact words) to her girlfriend. Actually, it was nice, since I want to "out" to *everybody* anyway.  (If you read my "outing letter" to my mate, then you know I gave her permission to "out" me to any of her friends that she felt comfortable with doing so - I figure if she can take it, so can I!) It also gave my mate and I an opportunity to have a long discussion about feelings this morning.  One more baby step! :)<

Well, I am going to head out to do "community service" now (keep "connected," don't ya know?) by sitting at the sign-up booth for my son's hockey league. I will miss my daughter's soccer game today, but can see her game tomorrow. :)<

Luv Ya,
Michelle

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September 7:  Hello all:  I went running with my wife last night, and I ran THREE miles :) She had been planning a night out with her crazy girlfriend, but forgot about it until last night. However, her girlfriend's husband came home a few days early from travel, so it kinda turned into a general party night out (girls + husband + me, whatever I am).  Well, my wife asked me if I wanted to go, and I talked myself into it and had alot of fun.  There was a band (not a great one!) and we danced. I was happy, except there is always a tinge of sadness at the change in my relationship with my mate. We kiss, but don't make love. It is sad, but sweet. Go slow, go slowly...

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September 9:  OK, so here is an illustration of how these things go.  My wife was way stressed out at work (*by* work), so much so that she admitted that she thinks of *me* mainly as added stress now. She said she thought I should refinance the house in order to "buy her out" of it so she could cut and run.  I don't know WHAT she has in mind to do with the kids - probably leave them with me - they are my stepkids and they don't like me very much! Heck, now what do I do? Here is where the Pink Haze comes in handy, it keeps the agony away for a while (long enough to write this!). I just thought I would clue you in to some of the "downs" associated with this condition.  Have a good one...

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September 30:  It seems like I always take the time to write here when my wife and I get "distant." :) Hey, I'm not complaining (yet!), it could be worse! I am ramping down on my hormones (estynyl) to see what it is like to go back to being a guy for a month or so, I think (or however long I can stand it).  Still pretty much zero communication with my wife on this subject.  She appears to be trying to be my "friend" (as opposed to wife) which may be usual or not, but I miss the physicality that we used to share sometimes.  So far the testosterone has not attacked me!  I am going to sell the new truck that my wife bought me since I can't afford things.  I'll fill you in later when I get the time

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October 6:  Haven't sold the truck yet, but I am still staying at 0.05 on my Estynyl. My wife and I went and saw "Different for Girls" on Saturday, and I would recommend this movie to all who are interested in Transsexuals - but we have not really talked about it at all. We seem to be just trying to "go on with" normal life, although she has made room for comments like, "when you are feminine you are not supposed to be an air-head, that is *not* feminine."  I don't really think I am being so, but she gets exasperated SO easily! I am beginning to wonder about myself - why do I need to fit into the "molds" that society provides (that is, M *or* F)? Of course, when I go *out* into society, I *have* to, right? That, it seems to me, is the transsexual's dilemma. They are forced by society to fit into one of two particular states, male or female - nothing else is allowed if you are to move more or less freely and without "excessive" discrimination, and to blend in and contribute as a productive and fulfilled member of society.

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October 12:  I still have not managed to sell the truck!  On another note, it seems to help to keep busy, at work, with the kid's activities, with the house, laundry, dishes, etc. My wife says that she is taking one day at a time now, so I guess I need to be thinking in those terms, too.  Really, I have been told that often this is the best philosophy for life anyway. I feel badly about not taking estrogen any more - I know that my boobs will shrink, and that makes me very sad. Also, I am beginning to get that all-the-time hornyness that I used to hate. I often find myself wondering about what classifies as "want" versus "need" in my thoughts about transsexuality. How far can we ignore our wants? What is a superfluous want versus a strong want? My wife seems to need (want?) her career, is my transsexuality any less of a need or want? Remember, it wasn't until these last few decades that society even made it socially acceptable to "need" a career. I am beginning to see more and more that most of the trouble with transsexuality in relationships is associated with the "social acceptability" of transsexuality.

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October 19:  Well, I have been off estrogen for a week or so now, and I still am not wildly horny - maybe it will never really come back? I have been pretty emotional these last few days, sometimes sobbing quite a bit! It has been pretty hard work to stay in touch with Patti Michelle inside of me as "Pat" returns (if you know what I mean).  I think I am doing it, sort of.  I still want to dance, and I find that with a little effort I can be very kind, compassionate and sensitive to my mate as she struggles with accepting this "new" part of me (not really new at all, just newly revealed, even to me!). We have talked a couple of times about divorcing, and she can get pretty adamant about it, but I find she does not really want to do that, and I don't know why, exactly, other than love and need and attachment, maybe? I think that there is quite a bit of confusion in her emotions and <U>she</U> does not really know what she wants or needs to do.  For my part, I have been trying to understand where my male side fits in me but I still want to get my ears pierced :) but I will hold off for now... I wonder if I am bi-gendered, sort of in analogy to being bisexual?  I think I am very happy as female, but have never really been happy as a man - that may seem to make the decision obvious, wouldn't it? However, my feelings and responsibilities to my mate and her kids, and the fact that I probably would never look that feminine if I did transition both make me want to stay in this safe haven that my marriage provides. It is not my fault that I was born with a guy's body, but the available fixes for that (sexual reassignment) don't work that well, I am afraid. It all hinges on finding an accepting community for my female side, or at least a place where I can express Patti Michelle without hurting anyone. At this time I don't really feel the need to dress up overly much, just the need to feel her...  Whelp, my stepson is waiting not-very-patiently to go to the beach, so I gotta go.  Please feel free to write me,  especially if you are in the Los Angeles area! I really feel the need for new friends.

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October 20:  You know, I was making pork enchiladas just now and thinking how incredible my life is now. Granted, there is lots of trouble with my 14 year old stepdaughter not wanting to work at high school, and there is the problem(s) in communication and acceptance between my wife and I (up and down, still), but I only remember one other time in my life when I ever lost weight and could control my appetite and that was a brief period when I was a freshman at high school. I have always, during my adult years, wondered why I could never even control me eating habits... Now I can.  In addition to that, everyone is always remarking to me and my wife how much happier I seem now and how much more fun I am to be with and how much more I *smile* than I used to. Of course *I* knew inside how much better I was now, but I am telling you this so you will know from others how much better I am (you know, "...in the mouths of two or three witnesses...").  Well, yes, I *am* happy now.  Not deliriously happy and high all the time, but just feeling like I am finally "there" and know what "it is all about." Now all I gotta do is convince my therapist, right? Like the other day when my mate was not around and I got lonely - I sort of pined for a while, then I got up, put on some loud rock with a nice beat, and danced while I folded the laundry. I felt really, really good dancing and moving my wonderfully thinner body in time to the music. Gosh, I love dancing now.

On the down side, my estrogen is really wearing off! I still feel the same in terms of feminine desires and identification, but that testosterone is coming back, and I have started to have disturbing dreams. On top of that, I am getting horny again, and not always for my wife, and that makes me very sad and worried. On the other hand, it is not coming back that strongly, so it is not much more than an annoyance at this point, but it does leave me with a conflict - can I stay "male" for the relationship and just do fem "occasionally?" If so, how do I survive the testosterone? (since I need that to function sexually as a male) The only sure way to safely get rid of testosterone is surgery... then how could I function sexually as a male? That would mean that my mate would have to embrace a lesbian kind of sexuality, which does not seem that bad from my point of view, but what about her? What a mess - now I see why TS's often wish for a magic pill to "make it all go away," just like I used to long for a magic pill to "make me a girl." Be careful what you wish for!!!!

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October 23:  This morning, as I get ready to go to work after taking the kids to school, I feel very, very lonely and not pretty at all.  Actually, I feel ugly.  My wife and I never talk about me needs, I guess she just cannot take it... My therapist I only see once a week for an hour - I need a friend badly. I guess people live this way OK, so I suppose if I wait, the feelings may go away. Maybe I need to go shopping? :) I guess this pain is typical for transsexuals, even married ones like me.

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October 23:  Well, I just got over a wild crying spree - I guess I am way too sensitive - all the problems I could cause for my family, my wife professionally, myself professionally, and much, much more!  My wife called me handsome today and it just crushed me.  Doesn't she know how I feel and how hard it is for me to feel like myself? I guess she is just trying to forget all this for a while...  Oh, well, I talked to my sister afterward and told her about my transsexuality, she took it well, seemingly, and we talked for quite a while. I don't think she knows much about transsexuality or gender dysphoria, even though she wants to "know it all." She even offered to go with me to my next gender center meeting, as sort of emotional support.  We will seew what happens.

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October 26:  I have been a single parent since Thursday afternoon (the 23rd) when I put my wife on a plane for her business trip - she is snowbound at site and probably won't be home at least for a day or two more. Things have sort of emotionally leveled out for me - I kind of like being a mom here. My teenage daughter may be having problems adjusting to my pony-tail and scrunchies and the new cheap neclace I bought. It is hard to tell with teenagers, but my son - not quite a teenager - seems to attribute it to "mid-life crisis." It is hard to tell with teenage girls - so many mood swings anyway, secretiveness, challenging behavior, and attitudes - you just can't tell what's going on with them. It is my nature to try to take the blame for everything anyway, so I am sure I am not a good judge of "what is bothering her" anyway! One thing is for sure, my self identity as a female does not seem to be diminishing as the estrogen goes away, although the testosterone (male libido) is hard to bear. The one thing I miss the most now that I am off estrogen is the deep way I felt and experienced everything, especially the deep, strong feelings I have for my wife. I know they are still there, they just seem to be "asleep" or a little out of touch; but then, that is how I *always* used to feel before I took estrogen - alienated from my feelings (except feelings of anger or shame, did I mention I was Catholic?).

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November 2:  Wow, here it is November!  How the time flies :) On the 28th of this month, I will be 43 - I sure don't FEEL 43!  I guess when I run, my hips hurt like a 43-year-old's hips should, but I really feel like a young girl most of the time.  I guess I don't have the dignity of a woman, really.  Maybe all women are young girls inside, really.  I am still living in my woman side, and just tone it down sometimes when it would cause problems.  I sometimes find myself feeling a little embarresed when I say or do something obviously feminine when I *know* someone has me figured as a guy, but then often I find such a nice positive reaction to this that it is worthwhile.  By the way, my wife finally made it back from her trip on last tuesday.  We are still having our ups and downs with my transsexuality, but she is not pushing hard for a divorce, I think she feels like it would cause much hardship for the family, but she *does* appear to be financially preparing for that eventuality.  It hurts me alot to think about this and to feel that she may be preparing for it.  I baked a blueberry cobbler for the kids' breakfast tomorrow morning, and I am trying to help her in any way I can since she is a very important woman (did I mention that?) - much more important than me, a simple scientist.  I think I will go shopping tomorrow - I saw two great looking dresses at Ross that I want to pick up and try on.  I want to start with estrogen again, but I am holding off so that I can say that I was really off of it and know what life without it means.  It is hard for me to always keep my temper under control - this libido is also a major discomfort - everything seems to get turned into sex and it is hard to keep from thinking like a fetishist.

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November 4:  I went shopping this morning at Target and bought myself some stuff :)  I bought a nice fitting black sports-bra and some spandex running pants.  Yesterday I went to Ross and bought three really nice dresses, two of which I absolutely love!  It turns out that the sportsbra and pants go really well with them and now I want to wear them somewhere. I have not told my wife, she is sort of out-of-town again this week, and I didn't want to disrupt her scene with news, since I have never had any female clothes of my own before. This will probably be a hard revelation for her when I show her.  I am very happy with the clothes, although, of course, I would look much better with a bigger tush, wider hips, and narrower shoulders! Well, what to do?  The LA Gender Center meeting is this weekend and my sister promised me that she would go along and "hold my hand" as it were.  Should I dress in my new clothes?  Should I dress in them tonight when I see my therapist?

I should also mention that I spent $60 extra and got a nice fine gold chain (gold plated probably!) and a cute watch-bracelet that I also love. People at work seem to be getting used to me wearing a feminine style, fine silver or gold chain, although it took some people a little while to accept it. My wife also seems to understand my need, but we are financially preparing for *something,* and I would guess it is going to be separation.  I really don't think she could get used to the idea of living/loving with a female anyway. Is that what I am?  I know all the TS literature and stuff says I am a woman inside, but what does that *mean* really?  Maybe I am only *more* feminine than masculine? Maybe, therefore, both? I think about having a vagina as I could get (more or less) with SRS, but it would not be *real,* would it. The answers are not in the body, but in the mind and heart.

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November 6:  What a miserable night last night/evening! I can't wait to start back on estrogen and get feeling better. Right now it feels like my heart is breaking all the time.  These kids are driving me crazy!  I can't talk to my wife, she is just SO busy with work and stuff.  It is funny, she would never go running with me on the beach, but when work calls for a "social" of running on the beach, she does it! How do you think that makes me feel?

Well, enough whining, I guess, it is just that I feel so all alone in this :( Seeing my therapist once a week for an hour is not much help. I wish I could learn how to talk to my wife, but we have never really been able to communicate. I am also really, really worried about my 14 year old stepdaughter getting pregnant - so MANY women I have known had accidental pregnancies. Oh, well, I don't know if it really matters, we are probably going to get divorced anyway. Do I sound down-in-the-dumps? Oh well, off the the electrologist today to get my boobs cleaned up (again).  I sure hope the hair stops growing there soon!

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November 12:  Big news these last few days!!  Well, first and foremost, I told my sister (40) and my mom (84) about my being transsexual.  My mom seems a little vague on the idea, but accepting.  My sister on the other hand has been super sweet, offering to do my hair, take pictures, and even went with me and held my hand through my first time at the LA Gender Center meeting :) We met a few very nice people there, and may even get to find out about some other TS support groups and activities (but so far have drawn a blank).  I think they really liked my sister best there, but that is OK, she is a "GG."  She also told her husband and they are being very accepting of me which is so wonderful, it just feels so great.

On the other hand, my wife is more or less letting me know that there is no way she can accept me - I guess she thinks that I can actually somehow maintain the deception of being a male the rest of my life...  I don't know.  We have more or less decided how to arrange our divorce, who gets the house and such.  I am loosing a few thousand dollars, but so what?  I don't have the will to fight.  My sister offered to help me move, so now all I have to do is find an apartment, get the lawyer to draw up the papers, and get on with it.  Why does this have to be happening around Christmas?

There is this cool laser hair removal place at UCLA that I have an appointment with, and I am dying to get rid of this mustache!  I put a link to its home page on *my* home page.  I will be getting (hopefully very soon) my driver's license changed to a new nice picture and a nice name change, too.

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November 14:  Just jotting a few thoughts before rushing off to work. Well, I found an apartment yesterday and now I am wondering if I should take it. Thoughts like, "What am I giving up by leaving?" and "Does my wife want me to leave?"  She has told me several times that she thought it was a good idea, so why am I hesitant? Money, to be sure, but also a relationship ebbs and flows, and you may feel strongly about breaking up at one moment, but not so strongly at others! We even decided how to split up our household (she gets most everything!) and I have talked to a lawyer (but we havn't started the paperwork yet). I guess I will just have to wait and see what I decide to do.

Gosh, I put on some perfume this morning and it is just so wonderful, I love the smell! I am even beginning to like my hair (even with its streaks of grey). I have an appointment next Monday to get my upper lip cleared of hair, won't that be GREAT??  We'll see how that goes. I ran last night with my wife 5 miles, and we tried to talk about things, but she has *such* a hard time talking about anything except her work. My sister says she is not a very feminine woman, so maybe that is why she has a hard time talking about feelings. Now that I think about it, I cannot ever remember talking about feelings with her, where she really expressed her inner self, without it being just an explosion of rage. I wonder what is going on there?

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November 16: Well, I guess this is to say goodbye to all my friends who were reading these little postings. I am about to leave to pay my rent on a new apartment, and will be offline for some time, and I don't know how long. I feel just terrible about breaking up with my wife, but she will have none of me. So it goes...

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November 26:  Moving out very soon, my thoughts are still about staying in the relationship, but that seems like pure stupidity! How quickly things pass, have you noticed that? Maybe that means we should do our best to enjoy each other while we have each other.

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December 10:  It has been over a month since I wrote here. Well, it has been due to the intensity of the breaking up emotions. I have been alternately a wreck and OK. Getting better most of the time. My friends are trying to be as helpful as they can, but I feel like I am leaving a large piece of me behind, and the double hurt is that my family does not seem to care. It just hurts so much to even look at the home I leave behind. Part of me still wants to stay, it is my home, family, love, lover, and life; but how can these things be held on to? My wife told me, "Don't hold on so hard." That means, "Let go." OK, so I am a dummie. I have heard that if you truly love someone, let them go. OK, then, I am trying.

*Everyone* tells me what a doormat I have become. My 14 year old stepdaughter says she thinks I am "hung up" on my wife - I guess if a kid sees it, it has to be true, right? Well, my new apartment is nice, and I have been busy decorating it as well as trying to fix my car (valve job) - that engine is *dirty!*

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December 28:    It has been an interesting holiday season for me.  The one year anniversary of my ex telling me to get out; that our relationship was over.  I had Christmas dinner twice, one with a new friend (my electrologist) and one with an old one.  I also went to Midnight Services at another friends house.  Then I had Christmas Breakfast with that same old friend.  Saturday, however, was a different story.  The Holiday Blues, combined with by sorrow at loosing my marriage, hit me badly below-the-belt - in the Faith zone.  Well, I recovered mostly.