ban gray marriage

The Official Decree of The Beatlist Church

god hates your grandma Traditional marriage is the God-ordained building block of the family, and the bedrock of civil society.  It is predicated on the participation of two adults who desire to procreate and raise a family with one another.  Much to our chagrin, there is a segment of our population here in America who are making a mockery of this hallowed institution by entering into "marriages" that are purely based on their perverse sexual needs and desires.  I'm speaking, of course, about our nation's Senior Citizens. 

Every year thousands of men and women who are past the age of fertility are getting married to one another - widows, divorcees, and spinsters who have no intention of bearing any children or starting families!  They just want companionship and intimacy, and to spend their twilight years celebrating one last loving monogamous relationship.  This kind of perverse lifestyle disgusts me.  Perhaps if they wanted to enter into a "civil union" that would be OK, but MARRIAGE is a holy and sanctified rite that has no place in the seedy nursing homes and bingo parlors of our "retirement communities".  What's worse, most of these counterfeit "marriages" don't last very long anyway!  I mean, let's face it, "til death do us part" becomes less and less meaningful once you're past your life-expectancy!  These gray-haired couplings just don't have the kind of permanence we have come to expect from a marriage in this country, where adults typically stay with one partner for at least 50 solid years of wedded bliss (references on request).

ethel and herb's honeymoon According to God's own definition, marriage is the union of the only type of couple capable of natural reproduction of the human race: a fertile man and a fertile woman.  It is society's way of providing a structured environment for the creation of more children (a precious resource in this modern world with its ever-decreasing population). 
God wants us to make more babies. The Bible says, in Jeremiah 29 : 6-7,  "Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. " So, these infertile relationships are wholly UNNATURAL, and go against the Lord - they are not about family values, but about selfish sexual fulfillment. 

The Bible tells us repeatedly that these relationships are not right!  God discourages elderly widows from re-marrying after their husbands die!  T
ake a look here at Corinthians 7:8, "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am."  Likewise in Timothy, 5: 8-9, " The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. But the widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she lives."   And God is no fan of men who marry elderly or infertile ladies, either, as seen here in Leviticus 21: 13-15, "The woman he marries must be a virgin.  He must not marry a widow, a divorced woman, or a woman defiled by prostitution, but only a virgin from his own people, so he will not defile his offspring among his people. I am the LORD , who makes him holy."  Clearly, elderly folks who are marrying each other either haven't found the time in their (long) lives to actually read the Good Book, or else their senility prevents them from remembering these important passages!

keep the matriarchs out of matrimony
Marriage is a public institution because it brings together men and women for the purpose of reproducing the human race and keeping a mother and father together to cooperate in raising to maturity the children they produce.   The legal protections and privileges of marriage in this country are intended to support these young families, who take on the burden of raising a family.  Meanwhile, these selfish over-the-hill, infertile couples make a mockery of what it means to get married.  Of course, if an old man wants to get hitched to a young nubile trophy wife, takes a fistful of Viagra, and makes a few more babies before he dies - well, there's nothing wrong with that, I guess.  But these crocheting Jezebels, these gallivanting Grannies who want to re-marry post-menopause - well, THEY are an abomination and we need to protect our nation's families from their impure influence.

For years now, the Senior Agenda has dominated our political landscape with their strong presence in the government (where they somehow always seem to have seniority).  As a result, they've managed to get all sorts of "special rights": discounted movie tickets, social security, medical care when they're sick, great parking spaces.  The elderly are controlling the political discourse of this country, paving the way for us the "accept" their unholy lifestyle!  So join us at the Temple of Beatlism in supporting a total ban on "gray marriage", and keeping the institution of marriage safe from a radical re-definition at the hands of our grandparents and various activist liberal judges!

Pope George Ringo II
(official seal)