A man passed away and went to Heaven. Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."
Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter, "What's the deal with all the clocks?"
St. Peter replied, "They keep track of everybody on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one minute. For instance, this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move any second." Click. The minute hand on Sam's clock moved forward one minute. Click. It moved forward another minute. "Sam must be closing on a deal right now," said St. Peter. "The minute hand on his clock moves all day long."
The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock covered with cobwebs.
"Whose clock is this?" asked the man.
"That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest persons on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two."
They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finally finished, the man said, "I've seen everyone's clock but one. Where is President Clinton's kept?"
St. Peter smiled and said, "Look up there. We use his for a ceiling fan."
"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton."
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
He storms into his security staff`s HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don`t just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first."
The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore`s urine."
Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn....Well, what`s the really bad news?"
The officer replies "Well sir, it`s Hillary`s handwriting."
HONK! If you had sex with the President
Clinton: We forgive you...Now Resign!
Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency
Adultery is not a family value
Does character matter YET?
One More Whore And We Get Gore
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student
Jail to the Chief
Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President
The Clinton Creed: Take Credit, Not Responsibility
If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.
Save the President: Legalize Perjury
Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie." "A quickie?!" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu." She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."
President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited one of the classes (4th grade I believe), they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident. "
A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy!"
"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage." "No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well, Well, Well, I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"
Somewhere in America, next week:
DAD: Son, come in here, we need to talk.
SON: What's up, Dad?
DAD: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
SON: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car," that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
DAD: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
SON: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
DAD: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
SON: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
DAD: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
SON: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
DAD: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
SON: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
DAD: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
SON: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
DAD: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
SON: No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car...the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
DAD: Where in the hell did you learn to be such a smart ass?
SON: From The President of the United States.
DAD: I see.