The Best From E-Mail
HUMOR # 3

Expressions for women on high stress days

You - Off my planet.

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Errors have been made - others will be blamed.

And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

I just want revenge - is that so wrong?

You say I'm a Witch like it's a bad thing!

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic & disorder! My work here is done.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

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Test answers

These are said to be actual test answers from various schools in
the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, AND
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

SOCIOLOGY

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

BIOLOGY

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g.,abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains
the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A : A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The cesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

ENGLISH

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

TECHNOLOGY

Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

RELIGION

Q: What is a Hindu?
A : It lay eggs.

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Scam Alert

There is another scam going on out there. You should send this to any women you know and care about. I don't normally forward warnings about scams, but this one looks important.

If a man comes to your door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS. This is a scam. He is only trying to see your tits.

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Ducks

Eddie, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo.

Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death.

Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."

That sounded simple enough.

They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere!

In no time at all, Eddie stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on. Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow.

"I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Eddie and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.

Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on.

Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman.

"I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished."

With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.

Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck.

One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away.

Billy Bob exclaimed,"Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

"I don't know about you,"said the beautiful woman, --"But I stepped on a duck..."

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DEAR GOD...

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have? --Amy

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. --Larry

Dear GOD, If you watch me in Church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. --Mickey

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. --Nan

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? --Jane

Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison

Dear GOD, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? --Lucy

Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? --Anita

Dear GOD, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? --Norma

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? --Jan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in Church. Is that okay? --Neal

Dear GOD, What does it mean, You are a jealous GOD? I thought You had everything. -- Jane

Dear GOD, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. --Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. --Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am.)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. --Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear GOD, If we come back as something--Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. --Denise.

Dear GOD, If You give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. --Raphael

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat! You should give him a tail. Ha ha! --Danny

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. --Tom

Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. --Dean

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. --Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. --Elliott

Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. --Rob

Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. He's just kidding, isn't he? --Marsha

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. -- Love Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light! But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. --Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD, The bad people laughed at Noah-, "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. --Eddie

Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. --Charles.

Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. --Eugene

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SODA MACHINE

There was a blonde woman at a soda machine. She put a dollar in the slot and pushed the Pepsi button. The Pepsi came out, so she took it and put the change in her purse.

She took another dollar out, put it in the machine, and pressed the Mountain Dew button. The Mountain Dew came out, and she took the change and put it in her purse.

Meanwhile, a big line was forming behind her, but she kept taking her money out, putting it in the machine, and pressing buttons.

Someone in the line finally said, "Come on, lady! What's taking you so long?"

She answered, "Duh! I'm still winning!"

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WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG

(This is ridiculous, maybe crude, but I like the ending)

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex". Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too."

Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "you must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex!" I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The Judge said, "Me too." Then I told him after I was married, Sex left me. He said "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him around the town. A cop came over to me and asked, "WHAT are you doing in the alley at 4 O'clock in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday!

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Disorder in the courts!

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.
====
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
===
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
====
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
====
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
====
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
====
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
====
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
====
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
====
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
====
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
====
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
====
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
====
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male, or a female?
====
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
====
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
====
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
====
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
====
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
====
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

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Titanic

There are many stories             ,:',:`,:',:`
related to the sinking         ___//_//_//_//__
of the "Titanic".         ____[""""""""""""""""]____
Some have just come       \ " '''''''''''''''''''''|
to light due to the   ~~~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~~^~^~~^~^~^^~~^~^
success of the recent
movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912
Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic"
was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery
in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for
the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were
disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a
National day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as... Sinko de Mayo.

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Wong

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy! "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

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The Puzzle

One morning an attractive blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer of a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her boyfriend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says, "Based on the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:

"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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Cookie Recipe

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. salt
1 cup butter
lemon juice
nuts
one bottle whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the
whiskey again to be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup
and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp. of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another cup. Turn off the
mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl, and chuck in the cup of
dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druid gets stuck in the
beaters pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of
salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon
juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoor...of sugar or
something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the
whiskey again and go to bed.

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The Florida Voter

Here's the demographics on the Florida voter:

They can play 14 bingo cards at a time for themselves and five for a
neighbor, and not miss a number.

They can pick out the only restaurant in town that has 'early bird' meals
for $4.99 each, between 4:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m., and be there at 3:59 p.m.
on the nose to get 'first dibs.'

They can organize 89 coupons to go to four different grocery stores that
will save them $18.58 on a route that will take them from home, around in a
circle and back home, without going farther than three blocks...to save on
the gas.

They can juggle 53 numbers and pick 6 for the Florida Lotto, as well as
select their Pick 3, Fantasy Five, and Mega Ball numbers and remember all of
the choices they made.

They can read 5 papers, 4 scratch sheets, and handicap 3 horses in the
Tri-fecta at the horse race, place bets on the dog race, and watch Jai-alai,
while eating popcorn and discussing the next Shuffle Board Meet.

They can spot a shanked golf ball in an acre of elephant grass 300 yards
away, while riding in a golf cart without their glasses on.

They can eyeball a non-resident in a 1,000-unit subdivision at 200 yards and
report it to the resident manager by phone, while sitting in their lounge
chair working todays newspaper cross-word puzzle.

They can see and report a scarred manatee at 10 fathoms or a boat going over
the 'no-wake' limit two miles away in a 'manatee watch' area to the
Greenpeace hotline...on a digital cell phone the size of a pager with
numbers barely visible to the human eye.

They can take 37 different colored pills every single morning and 21 every
evening, and never, never mess up which gets taken where and when.

They can tell a 'snow-bird' at about 300 yards in a crowded shopping mall on
a 95 degree day, without sweating.

They can spot a school of 'legal' amber jack at 2000 yards, in six foot
swells, on a foggy day, in the middle of the Gulf from an 18 foot bass boat.

But they can't read a ballot they've used for ten years, had published in
the newspaper and mailed to them a week in advance...and then pick one
candidate...

Go figure!

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See Saw

Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw.

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She's alive!

At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket
out, when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They
hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the
same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying
out the casket.

As they're walking the husband cries out, " watch out for the wall!"

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Women & Marriage

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said
"I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God,
I wish I had your will power."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

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Cannibals

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all
part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You
get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat,

but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm
satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any

of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued,
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed
anything, then you had to go and eat the secretary!"

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Dear God part II

Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Ginny

Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce

Dear Mr.God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton - because I hate her. Denise

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).

Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

Dear God, How did you know you were God? Charlene

Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita

Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan

Dear God: Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. Darla

Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. Glenn

Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis

Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

Dear God, It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? Arnold

Dear God, Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

Dear God, In bible times did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer

Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything. Jane

Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Seymour

Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. Peter

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget. Mark

Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. Dean

Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. Marsha

Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Mickey D.

Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business? Donny

Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation? Jane

Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your Idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. Charles

Dear God, It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places.Jeff

Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Frank

Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was Cool.

Dear God, Please forgive me, I'm just a plain ole everyday sinner! Love Thomas

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Unedited New Stuff

Yesterday morning in the middle of night. Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced eah other. Drew their swords and shot each other.
The deaf policeman heard the noise and came and killed the two dead boys.

----------------------------------------

Two members of Hamas were chatting. One of them had his wallet out and was flipping through pictures.
"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr", he proclaimed, then added, "and here is my second son. He's a martyr, too."
Following a brief pause, the second terrorist replied, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

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1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative!
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
21. Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles !
22. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
23. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
25. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
26. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

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An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back forty, fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming
when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked.

"I only came to feed the alligators."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and
skill.

-----------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

-----------------------

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 85. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

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Comments made in the year 1957

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.
          Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garrage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed.
          Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying
          'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.
          They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?
          It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.
          I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

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Newspaper Headlines in 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Average price of a single family home in Southern California is $2,500,000. A three bedroom apartment now rents for $8,000 a month.

Celebrating Christmas now officially a felony as it offends too many people.

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New York (SatireWire.com) — A study issued Tuesday claiming
that pessimists have more long-term health problems than positive
people just proves pessimists were right, say pessimists.

The research, conducted by the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.,
found that less positive people suffer significantly higher rates of
illness, and advised physicians to encourage their patients to adopt
a more positive outlook to improve and lengthen their lives.
Pessimists across the country said they would try, though they
seriously doubted it would work.

"OK, here's a positive thought," said Chicago resident Eric Weinstadt.
"Why not save me the trouble I'm going to have later and just shoot me now?"

"No wait, save the bullet," he added.
"I'm going out to a party with my so-called friends tonight. I'll bet I die of boredom."

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