A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The
fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.
The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could
handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department
be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance,
the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire
truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle
of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and
frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had
snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily
controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's
work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented
the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news
reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned
to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're
gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that damn fire truck!"
Santa
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I
really, really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like
in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your
house...
Santa
Rod and reel
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know what type to get so she just grabs one and takes it to a
register manned by a Wal-Mart "associate" wearing dark shades.
The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can
tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it
makes."
She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test
line. It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it costs $20.00".
She says, "That's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of
it
dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for -- so I'll take
it."
As the blind man begins to ring up the sale, the woman
loudly passes gas. At first, she's embarrassed, but realizes there's no
way he could tell it was her because he's blind and wouldn't know she was
the only person around.
He rings up the sale, and says, "That will be $25.50."
She replies, "I thought you said it was only $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, $20.00 for the rod and reel, but the duck call is
$3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50."
Donation
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation
from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of
contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research
shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in
some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness,and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. . . no."
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted,
"--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's
voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three
children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had
no
idea. . ."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"
A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 30
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Author unknown
Go to top
Jeep
A true report of a happening in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400
monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all
the lakes are frozen. These two guys go to the lake with the guns, the
dog, and the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto
the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the
ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole
large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down
and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole
drill. So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of
dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if
they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from
where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), because they
don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from
the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
(Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle,
the beer, the guns and the dog?)
Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving.
Especially
things thrown by the owner. You guessed it; the dog takes off at a
high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite
with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream wave arms and wonder what to do now.
The dog, seemingly cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun
is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused and of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize
winners have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse
burning on the stick of dynamite).... Under the brand new Cherokee.
----BOOM! ----
Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake
in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this
"I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is not covered.
He still had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments!
...And you thought your day was not going well!
Chinese philosophy
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chop stick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite finger nails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Go to top
Frog
An old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.
He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog:
"I'm a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal
pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me
into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I
will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous
temperament and my ardent lust.
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.
Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked: "What, you're not going to kiss me?"
"Nope," replied the old man. "At my age it's more fun to have
a talking frog
than a sex maniac."
Go to top
You know you belong to a redneck church if...
1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase
of a chandelier because none of the members know how to play one.
2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether
the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last
names in the church directory.
8. Baptism is referred to as "branding."
9. There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank.
10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something
too heavy.
13. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
14. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from)
Billy Bob's Barbecue.
15. The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
The Pope
After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and
His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope
is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the
driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let
me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you,"
says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!," pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my
God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over
and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop
takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch. The
Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."
Quotes from Actual Medical Records
1. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need
disposition, and therefore
we will bet Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. The patent expired on the floor uneventfully.
11. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
12. Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
13. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with
only a 40-pound
weight gain in the past three days.
14. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions
in early December.
15. The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original
complaints.
Go to top
INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my
Inner Sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels
of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that
are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless,
of course, I want to stay employed.
5. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over
others.
6. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
7. I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even
more.
8. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality
at all.
9. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.
10. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
11. As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me
in many ways to
keep me quiet.
12. When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly
as gratifying.
13. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice
things for myself.
The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
14. All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting
parts.
15. I am at one with my duality.
16. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
17. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
18. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary
fears.
19. Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant
nagging?
20. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local
laws.
21. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter
words than "I told you so."
22. False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
23. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
24. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead
I will move my
TV into the bedroom.
25. Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.
26. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying
about the future?
27. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is
working.
28. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
29. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step-blaming
my parents.
30. I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh
at.
31. The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
32. My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
33. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm
giving as much as I'm getting.
34. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from
them.
Go to top
Things Guys Learn from Action Movies
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself,
and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare
hands.
2. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't
he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed
with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive
and under 25 years old.
4. If I have a prolongued fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies,
we will become best friends.
5. My arch-enemy will bear un uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father,
and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I
kill him with my bare hands.
6. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never
be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot
me, however, I will at most receive a flesh wound, which will be tended to by
a beautiful woman.
7. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter
who will gaze at me adoringly.
8. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze
at me adoringly.
9. If I'm asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of
any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to
kill me.
10. If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one or maybe
two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in Karate and Ju-jitsu,
and if all else fails, I will always have one last firearm hidden somewhere
on my body.
11. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask,
"When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when
I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things
either.
The Horseback Riding Incident
Recently I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.
I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground.
Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
DAY 659 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 662 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 669 -- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 681 -- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm Not working according to plan.
DAY 688 -- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 690 -- There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 699 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
How to Give Your Cat a Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in palm of right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down side of ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Hummell figures
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth
open with pencil and blow down cat's throat through drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard
and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize
to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Remove last
pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves in shed, force cat's mouth
open with a small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill
down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have
cute puppy for sale.
Words to live by
Moments of Zen (Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom):
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.