20. Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno
19. Home Built Airplanes by John Denver
18. How to Get to the Superbowl by Dan Marino
17. Things I Love About Bill by Hilary
16. My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan
15. Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates
14. Things I Would Not Do for Money by Dennis Rodman
13. The Wild Years by Al Gore
12. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
11. America's Most Popular Lawyers
10. Detroit - a Travel Guide
9. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivation Speeches
8. Everything Men Know About Women
7. Everything Women Know About Men
6. All the Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. The Amish Phone Directory
2. My Plan to Find the Real Killers by O.J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Shortest Book....
My Book of Morals by Bill Clinton
Go to top
Things My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
-
"If you're going kill each other, do it outside -
I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're
in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry
about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
-
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
-
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward
you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times
- Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you
out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
-
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
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MICROSOFT TV DINNER INSTRUCTIONS
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and
honour Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite
of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights).
You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged
to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven
using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// .
Then enter ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\l/yum~yum-) gohot#cookme
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set
itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner
(found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level
of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook
the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must
be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and
enter s.nodamn.good/tryagain\again.again.crap
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then
doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the
dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These
are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you
will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety
is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and
they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken
is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken
dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken
may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version
has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft
dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your
freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably
should have been defrosted anyway.
Go to top
Grapes
A duck waddles into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?".
The bartender says "No" and the duck waddles out.
A few minutes later the duck waddles back and asks the bartender, "Do you
have any grapes?". The bartender screams, "I already told you that
I don't have any grapes, now get out!" The duck waddles out.
After a few minutes the duck returns and asks the bartender, "Do you have
any grapes?". The bartender jumps up and shouts, "Listen, I already
told you that I don't have ANY grapes, if you come back in here and ask me again
I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!!" The duck waddles out.
Ten minutes later the duck waddles back and asks the bartender, "Do you
have any nails?". The bartender says, "No, I don't have any nails."
So the duck says, "Do you have any grapes?"
Go to top
How things would be different if Microsoft Headquarters was in Texas
instead of Seattle
Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and
some duct tape
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw",
or "Git" instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel"
Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Cotton Eyed Joe
The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk
redneck yelling "Freebird!"
Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be
"Achey-Breaky Heart"
PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and
"Vishul C++"
Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Texas Flag
Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Ford Pickup
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
"Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator
Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates
Go to top
Points to ponder
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the
water?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as
ghosts but as mattresses?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
How can there be self-help groups?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How did a fool and his money get together?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold,
cold?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How much deeper would the oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still
wrong?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still
working?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a
yellow? Or maybe I'll just have a big bunch of purples
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone
just move 10 miles away?
If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they stick teflon on the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered
a hostage situation?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why
isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why
don't they wear a pair of bras?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered
plants?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is the speed of dark?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What's another word for synonym?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one
away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're
just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid
to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but
when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they
get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks,
so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Go to top
English is a Crazy Language
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese...
One blouse, 2 blice?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a "slim chance" and a "fat chance" be the same,
while a "wise
man" and "wise guy" are opposites? How can overlook and oversee
be
opposites, while "quite a lot" and "quite a few" are alike?
How can
the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell"
another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Go to top
That's the ticket!
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his
speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from
the police department that contained another picture, of handcuffs.
Go to top
What the Company Really Means:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real
daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
Some overtime each night and some overtime each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
Everyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED:"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON:"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"GROUND FLOOR OPPORTUNITY"
Means you will be working hard to support the ones above you.
"HIGHLY MOTIVATED INDIVIDUAL"
Means, the others in the company will depend on your motivation.
What a Potential Employee Means:
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to coworkers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Day-Timer.
"WHEN YOU NEED ME I'M THERE:"
I'm there -- not here!
"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job, I'm gone!
"I AM ON THE GO:"
You'll never find me at my desk.
"I AM CONSTANTLY ON THE GO:"
I have serious intestinal problems.
Go to top
Post Office
An evangelist was visiting an unfamiliar town and asked a local boy the way
to the postoffice.
"Two blocks down and then make a right,"
"Do you know who I am?," the preacher asked.
"Nope"
"I am a famous preacher and if you come to hear me tonight I'll show you
the way to heaven."
"How can you do that?" the boy asked thoughtfully, "when you
don't even know the way to the postoffice."
Go to top Did you hear...
Did you hear about the guy who went to the football game because he thought that the quarter back was a refund? Did you hear about the guy who won a letter in football and asked a friend to read it to him? A donkey, after seeing a zebra for the first time said to himself, "Imagine that, a donkey whose been to jail." Rookie : What does it take to hit the ball the way that you do? Veteren: A Bat Teacher: What's an autobiography? Gail : it's the life story of a car. If a king sits on gold what does the Lone Ranger sit on? SILVER Craig : Mom, why is your hair turning gray? Mother: Because of all the worries you cause me. Craig : Then you must have been really bad to Grandma. At 20 we don't care what the world thinks of us. At 30 we worry what the world thinks of us. But at 60 we discover that it wasn't thinking of us at all. Teacher: Open your geography books. Ok class, who can tell me where Switzerland is? Daryn : I know, page 56! What do you get if you cross an elephant with a crow? A BROKEN TELEPHONE WIRE Go to top
Quotes
SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST
A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE.
- Brooke Shields
THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER.
THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER.
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic convention
IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL.
- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS.
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE.
- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS.
- Andrew Mathis
IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK.
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT
I DIDN'T STUDY
LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM
OFF.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air
Force nearly $1,000 for an
ordinary pair of pliers
WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS.
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle
THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M
JUST THE ONE TO DO IT.
- A congressional candidate in Texas
THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE.
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE-SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY.
- Everett Dirksen
HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR
AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam
IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT
OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET.
-Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
Go to top
Firing Squad
Once upon a time, when Britain still ruled India, there were
three prisoners: a Hindu priest, a Muslim sailor, and a Sardarji
farmer. They were all tried and convicted of treason against the
queen. Their punishment: the firing squad. The next morning, the
priest was taken out to the squad. They tied him up.
Policeman: Ready!
Policeman: Aim!
Hindu Priest: Tiger!!!
And everyone ran for cover, but then they found out that there was no
tiger, so everyone ran back out, but not before the priest escaped.
The Policeman was furious. He called out the next prisoner: the
Muslim sailor. They stood him up against the wall. Seeing the
priest's trick, the sailor thought quickly.
Policeman: Squad Ready!
Policeman: Aim!
Moslem Sailor : Typhoon!!!
And everyone ran for cover though there was no typhoon, thus letting
the Sailor get away. Again the Policeman was angry. He brought out
the last prisoner: the Sardargi farmer. The Sardargi farmer already
knew what he was going to say.
Policeman: Ready!
Policeman: Aim!
Sardargi farmer: Fire!!!
Go to top
Bear
A minister was walking through the woods and came face to face with a
huge bear. He fell down on his knees and prayed, "Father, please
make this bear a Christian!" While he was praying he heard a big
"Thud". He opened his eyes to see the bear right in front of him on
his knees with his paws held together as if in prayer. The minister
let out a sigh of relief, and then he heard the bear say, "Father,
bless this meal I am about to receive..."
Go to top
A million dollars
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.
God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second to you."
The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.
God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."
Then the young man got his courage up and asked, "God, could I have one
of your pennies?"
God smiled and replied, "Certainly, just a second."
Go to top
E-Mailers Anonymous
You know it's time to join E-Mailers Anonymous when... 1.You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2.You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom. 3.You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 4.You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment. 5.You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 6.You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems. 7.You start using smileys in your snail mail. 8.You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 9.You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 10.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 11.You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 12.You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask. 13.You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape. 14.You tell the cab driver you live at http://www.middlesex.nj.usa.gov/edison/garden/1000/brickhouse.html 15.You start tilting your head sideways to smile :-) 16.After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a friend. Go to top
Lawyers
- A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one
to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually
appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes,"
said the genie.
- "But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your
wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."
- First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of
him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris,"
said the genie. "What is your next wish?"
- "I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF!
One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world
is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked
him for his third wish.
- The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've always wanted to donate
a kidney."
First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person: Good!
- A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it
would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the
proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, "It's been returned
twice already, and I don't want to see it again."
- Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner;
several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters
and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass
rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats
follow into the depths.
- The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, "Look,
I told you there would be no returns." The man quickly replied, "
Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer."
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one
of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer's
funeral.
"Here's a hundred," he said. "Bury 10 of 'em."
Q: What's the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that's
known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that's a shame.
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.
"I don't understand," Cindy complained. "When people find out
I'm a lawyer, they
take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?"
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, "Maybe it
just saves time."
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IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by DAVE BARRY
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its
full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He
WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a
bad hairdo.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it
too seriously.
8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take
command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not
a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of
age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background,
is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above
average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Your friends love you anyway.
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American Traveler
Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed to Travel
(Stories provided by travel agents)
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that his or her hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be
cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to
Hawaii?'
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information when she interrupted me with 'I'm not trying to
make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.
'Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I
calmly explained, 'Cape cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town
is in Africa.' Her response? 'Click'.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I
asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said
he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that
is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the
state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and
Florida is a very thin state.'
I got a call from a man who asked, 'Is it possible to see
England from Canada?' I said, 'No.' He said, 'But they
look so close on the map.'
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in
Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had
a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted
to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport,
and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.'
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got
into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan
was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand
the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went
very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs
to who?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well,
when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any
connection?' After putting her on hold for a minute while I
'looked into it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and
explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the
airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, 'How do I
know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he
meant, which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is
823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.'
A woman called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one
of those computer planes.' I asked if she meant to fly to
Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever.'
A businessman called and had a question about the documents
he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
'Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had
to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough,
his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said,
'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express.'
A woman called to make reservations 'I want to go from
Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York' The agent was at a loss
for words. Finally, the agent said 'Are you sure that's the
name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied
the customer. After some searching, the agent came back
with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code
in the country and I can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere.'
The customer retorted, 'Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows
where it is. Check your map!' The agent scoured a map of
the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean
Buffalo, do you?' 'That's it! I knew it was a big animal!'
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CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS
Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the
medication.
Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."
Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru
17.
If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the
church building and the rector.
Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.
Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.
The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared.
As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.
Fifth Sinday is Lent.
Thank you, dead friends.
Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder
of soup and spirit.
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.
Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.
Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.
The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.
Volunteers are needed to spit up food.
We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
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Oil Change
Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money spent: $20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00
Oil Changing instructions for Men:
1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil,
filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it
back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change
tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
(1992) in her overabundant chest.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: $50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
Total = $1350.00
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