When a woman is stressed out, she talks - on and on,
yatta, yatta, yatta. When a woman is not stressed out, she also talks on and
on. Generally speaking, a woman is generally speaking. Many men are under
the misconception that a woman always has to have the last word. This is not
true because a woman never gets to the last word.
Many people ask what do women talk about? But it is more
accurate to ask what women do not talk about, and that answer is very clear:
"tungsten arc welding." Women never talk about tungsten arc welding, though
they talk about everything else. If they do talk about tungsten arc welding,
however, it is how they feel about tungsten arc welding, and who are cute
tungsten arc welders, but never about tungsten arc welding itself.
What a lot of women's talk focuses on, however, is
gossip, and many a woman has picked up more dirt with her telephone than
with her vacuum cleaner. This is not to imply that a woman will repeat
gossip - at least not the way she heard it. Nor is it to imply that a woman
can't keep a secret, because she will often say, "I'm telling you this in
confidence because it was told to me in confidence." What we are saying is
that if a woman hears something that leaves her speechless - you can be sure
she'll talk about it.
What Men Are Saying While A Woman Is
Talking...
You can always count on a man to hold his own in a
conversation. These are only a few of the things a man will say if, in fact,
he's capable of saying anything at all.
1. Un Huh.
2. I see
3. Interesting
4. Hmmmm..
5. Really?
6. No kidding?
7. Go on.
8. Imagine that.
During this period, a man should keep nodding like those
toy dogs with the bobbing heads you see in the backs of cars.
What Men Are Thinking While A Woman Is
Talking...
Contrary to women's beliefs, however, men's minds are
engaged when a woman is talking. This is usually what he is thinking.
1. The last time I saw a mouth like hers,there was a
fishhook in it.
2. God, can this woman talk up a storm. She must be
doing 150 words a minute. With gusts up to 190.
3. This woman can chew a man's ear off faster than Mike
Tyson in a rematch.
4. This bimbo's conversation is riveting. I wonder if
her bra clasps in the front or the back?
5. If this bitch keeps up with this yatta yatta, I'm
going to handcuff her, frisk her, and tell her she has a right to remain
silent. And then I'm going to frisk her again.
How To Flatter The Pants Off A Woman...
Although men are "flatulence-propelled", women are
"flattery-operated". Women love to be flattered. But the man must know the
correct way to flatter in order to achieve his goal, which is complete and
total submission. Achieving this illustrious, low-life goal takes a bit of
time, and a man must start off slow, building the flattery to a fine-tuned
crescendo.
To do this a man must understand a woman's needs, which
are simple and constant. Women need to:
Feel young
Feel skinny
Feel sexy
A man must make reference to these needs under all
circumstances, at every possible opportunity. For example, he might say:
(Her need to feel young)
"When the beam of the officer's flashlight hit your
panic-stricken face after he stopped you for speeding, I couldn't help but
think how you looked sixteen years old again - just like the first time
you were arrested for shoplifting."
(Her need to feel skinny)
"Gee, I'm real sorry your grandfather died, but as you
were leaning over the coffin to kiss him good-bye, I noticed how slim your
ass looked."
(Her need to feel sexy)
"You know, when those baggy sweat pants cling to your
buttocks as you lumber to the fridge for yet another Dove Bar, I just go
wild! I don't know whether to grab you by your expandable-elastic
waistband, or wrestle you to the ground in a pagan fertility ritual.
Notice how a man can use these seemingly inappropriate
situations as an opportunity for flattery. Before you know it, by using
these simple methods, you'll have a woman so flattered, she'll be flat on
her back!
How To Stop A Woman From Talking...
Obviously, the only way to stop a woman from
talking is to put something in her mouth.
