I carry a cross in my pocket, a simple reminder to me of the fact that I'm a Christian no matter where I may be. This little cross is not magic, nor is it a good luck charm. It isn't meant to protect me from every physical harm. I'ts not for identification for all the world to see. It's simply an understanding between my Savior and me. When I put my hand in my pocket to bring out a coin or key, the cross is there to remind me of the price he paid for me. It reminds me to be thankful for my blessings day by day, and to strive to serve Him better in all that I do and say. It's also a daily reminder of the peace and comfort I share with all who know my Master and give themselves to His care. So I carry a cross in my pocket reminding no one but me that Jesus Christ is Lord of my life if only I'll let Him be.

A little pair of Rosary Beads, As plain as plain can be, But only God in Heaven knows How dear they are to me. I have them always with me At every step I take, At evening when I slumber At morn when I awake. In bright and cloudy weather, In sunshine or in rain, In happiness or sorrow, In pleasure or in pain. It helps me in my struggle, It reproves me when in sin, Its look of gentle patience Rebukes the strife within. In days of pain and anguish, The greatest help I knew Was to hold my Rosary Beads Until calmer I grew. So when the time approaches When I will have to die, I hope my little Rosary Beads Will close beside me lie. That the holy name of Jesus May be the last I say, And kissing my sweet Rosary Beads, My soul may pass away

A funny story tells about an old lady who was living in the village. She had never owned nor even been in a car before. One day, she was returning home from the market carrying a big heavy basket on her head, when a rich man riding his car passed by. Kindly, he offered to drive the lady to her home. She thanked him and got into the car with her basket. On the way, the man glanced at the lady in the mirror, still holding her basket over her head. Astonished, he asked her to lay the basket down in the car and rest. The old lady naively replied, "Oh my son, your car is carrying me; this is enough, I should not burden it carrying my basket too!" What an innocently funny response! We sometimes do the same with God. Everyday, God carries us during the day. Still, we insist on carrying our heavy baskets of worries and fear of the future, for family, kids, spouses, money, jobs, etc... We are carried by Almighty Hands, watched over by Sleepless Eyes and God plans our future. Let us then relax and lay down everything in God's Hands. The old lady, if she agreed to lay down the basket, would have to carry it again when she returned home. But the beautiful thing about God is that once we cast our heavy basket in His Hands we do not need to think about it anymore. "Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

800 years ago Christians were being captured and sold into slavery by the thousands, and nobody knew what to do about it. Then, in the year 1198, a man had an idea. St. John of Matha founded the Trinitarians to go to the slave markets, buy the Christian slaves and set them free. To carry out this plan, the Trinitarians needed large amounts of money. So, they placed their fund-raising efforts under the patronage of Mary. They were so successful at that, over the centuries, the Trinitarians were able to free thousands and thousands of people and to return them safely home. In gratitude for her miraculous assistance, St. John of Matha honored Mary with the title of "Our Lady of Good Remedy." Devotion to Mary under this ancient title is widely known in Europe and Latin America, and the Church celebrates her feast day on October 8. Our Lady of Good Remedy is often depicted as the Virgin Mary handing a bag of money to St. John of Matha. When in need - for whatever reason, but especially where you have had difficulty obtaining help - invoke the aid of Our Lady of Good Remedy, and you will surely experience the power of her intercession. O QUEEN OF HEAVEN AND EARTH, Most Holy Virgin, we venerate thee. Thou art the beloved Daughter of the Most High God, the chosen Mother of the Incarnate Word, the Immaculate Spouse of the Holy Spirit, the Sacred Vessel of the Most Holy Trinity. O Mother of the Divine Redeemer, who under the title of Our Lady of Good Remedy comes to the aid of all who call upon thee, extend thy maternal protection to us. We depend on thee, Dear Mother, as helpless and needy children depend on a tender and caring mother. Hail, Mary.... O LADY OF GOOD REMEDY, source of unfailing help, grant that we may draw from thy treasury of graces in our time of need. Touch the hearts of sinners, that they may seek reconciliation and forgiveness. Bring comfort to the afflicted and the lonely; help the poor and the hopeless; aid the sick and the suffering. May they be healed in body and strengthened in spirit to endure their sufferings with patient resignation and Christian fortitude. Hail, Mary.... DEAR LADY OF GOOD REMEDY, source of unfailing help, thy compassionate heart knows a remedy for every affliction and misery we encounter in life. Help me with thy prayers and intercession to find a remedy for my problems and needs, especially for... (Indicate your special intentions here). On my part, O loving Mother, I pledge myself to a more intensely Christian lifestyle, to a more careful observance of the laws of God, to be more conscientious in fulfilling the obligations of my state in life, and to strive to be a source of healing in this broken world of ours. Dear Lady of Good Remedy, be ever present to me, and through thy intercession, may I enjoy health of body and peace of mind, and grow stronger in the faith and in the love of thy Son, Jesus. Hail, Mary..... V. Pray for us, O Holy Mother of Good Remedy, R. That we may deepen our dedication to thy Son, and make the world alive with His Spirit

GOD'S RAINBOW

God's Rainbow Rainbows appear after mighty storms, when things look their very worst, just when the skies are darkest gray, look for the rainbow first. The rainbow is a sign of God's promise, that He will guide us through any storm, that He will see us through, all our troubles, no matter what they form. When you feel battered by life's storms, and you are filled with doubt and dismay; just remember God's rainbow is coming, it's only a prayer away

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear. Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Eighty-six." "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be 86 and not have an enemy in the world." The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. "It's easy. I outlived 'em!"

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia." Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500.00 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. Homosassa, Florida. A man went into a hardware store to apply for a job. After completing his application he then went to the section of the store that sold guns. He asked to see a couple guns. Theattendant left for a moment and the guy stole the guns. Not only was he video-taped, the police used the address on his application to go to his house and arrest him.

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?" The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!! The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.'' The brother thought about it and apologized. "So how's Mom?" asked the man. "She's on the roof and won't come down."

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it. How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes. Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF? Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date? What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? If "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of PROGRESS? Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients.... but DISH WASHING LIQUID comtains real lemons? How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it? Why do we wash BATH TOWELS-aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase? Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it? What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure? What's another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV? What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false? 1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie." 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. Got it figured out????????? They are all true.... Now go back and think about #16

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?" Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket. The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog. "Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher. "He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

From the pastor of a store front church: The pastor's church is called God Tabernacle. On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife. The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, ' God'. I just now got the courage today to call back. Remember? The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the call came from " God" is because the church that the pastor called from is God Tabernacle!!

Darwin awards are based on quality of stupidity. Here then, are the glorious winners. Darwin Award Winner: 1) When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honourable mentions: 2) The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3) A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4) After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harareto Bulawayohad escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6) A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) 7) Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had

Little Guy, Small Car, Big Mouth The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly. Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching, frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?" God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES

Here's a fun little trick...It takes less than a minute....... Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun. 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (more than once but less than 10) 2. Multiply this number by 2 3. Add 5. 4.. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator.... 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755.... 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week). The next two numbers are ......... YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!) THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2005) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

Try this...its really cool, only takes a minute 1. Key in the first 3 digits of your phone number into a calculator (not the area code) 2. Multiply by 80 3. Add 1 4. Multiply by 250 5. Add the last four digits of your phone number 6. Add the last four digits of your phone number again 7. Subtract 250 8. Divide by 2 at last Is it your phone number ??

THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference

Is there Baseball In Heaven ??? Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, Moe.... Moe...." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's me, Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?" "You're pitching next Tuesday

At the auction, the man's eye caught the most beautiful parrot he had ever seen. Determined to have the bird, he began bidding. Each time he bid, someone out bid him. Higher and higher the bidding went until, finally, he won the bird. As he was paying the auctioneer for the parrot, he commented, "I certainly hope this parrot can talk. After what I'm paying for him, I would hate to find out that he can't." "Talk? Don't you worry sir, he can talk," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

Six year old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor. He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten. Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad. He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove (and he didn't know how the stove worked!). Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his! pajamas white and sticky. And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him. Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process. That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend or we can't stand our job or our health goes sour. Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him. But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes," for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...

Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. So one day he asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?" God replied, "Among the many angels, I chose one for you. She will be waiting for you and will take care of you." But the child wasn't sure he really wanted to go. "But tell me, here in Heaven, I don't do anything else but sing and smile, that's enough for me to be happy." God smiled. "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day. And you will feel your angel's love and be happy." "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me," the child continued, "if I don't know the language that men talk?" God patted him on the head and said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak." The child was sad. "And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?" But God had an answer for that question too. "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray." The baby then turned to God and asked, "I've heard that on earth there are bad men, who will protect me?" "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life!" "But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore," the child continued warily. God smiled on the young one. "Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way for you to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you." At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from earth could already be heard. The child knew he had to start on his journey very soon. He asked God one more question, softly, "Oh God, if I am about to leave now, please tell me my angel's name." God touched the child on the shoulder just before he departed and answered, "Your angel's name is of no importance. You will simply call her Mommy

A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes: 1. Egypt's Great Pyramids 2. Taj Mahal 3. Grand Canyon 4. Panama Canal 5. Empire State Building 6. St. Peter's Basilica 7. China's Great Wall. While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help." The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are: 1. to touch 2. to taste, 3. to see 4. to hear." She hesitated a little, and then added, " 5. to run 6. to laugh 7. and to love." It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary. May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous!

fascinating facts that will allow you to say, "Now I know everything!" A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life." A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left

For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired, which leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government, which leaves 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Bin Laden, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, which leaves 1,212,000 to do the work. As of today, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves JUST TWO PEOPLE to do the work... YOU and ME!! And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice...

Barbecue - It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. 1. The woman goes to the store. 2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert. 3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer. 4. The man places the meat on the grill. 5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off", and upon seeing her annoyed reaction concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

A well-known speaker started his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied what if I do this? And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it with his shoe. He picked up the now crumpled bill and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went up into the air. "My friends, you have all learned a valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, it did not decrease its value. It was still worth $20." Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely crushed, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or whom we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't ever forget it. Count your blessings, not your problems

Two traveling Angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the Angels were given a space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older Angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger Angel asked why, the older Angel replied..."Things aren't always what they seem." The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had, the couple let the Angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning, the Angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. The younger Angel was infuriated and asked the older Angel, "How could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him" she accused. "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die." "Things aren't always what they seem," the older Angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. "Then last night, as we slept in the farmers bed, the Angel of Death came for his wife. I gave her the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem." Sometimes this is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later. Think about this: Should you find it hard to get to sleep tonight: just remember the homeless family who has no bed to lie in. Should you find yourself stuck in traffic: don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege. Should you have a bad day at work: think of the man who has been out of work for the last three months. Should you despair over a relationship gone bad: think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return. Should you grieve the passing of another weekend: think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week, for $15.00 to feed her family. Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk. Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror: think of the cancer patient in chemotherapy who wishes she had hair to examine. Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking "what is my purpose": be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity. Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities: remember things could be worse. You could be them!!!

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension. One of these days is Yesterday with all its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone forever. The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with all its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and its poor performance; Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet to be born. This leaves only one day, Today. Any person can fight the battle of just one day. It is when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down. It is not the experience of Today that drives a person mad, it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, Live but one day at a time.

How meteorologists REALLY predict the weather! If the rooster crows at night, He's trying to say rain's in sight. The hooting of an owl Says the weather will be foul. When you see a beaver carrying sticks in its mouth, It will be a hard winter-You'd better go south. When the chairs squeak, It's about rain they speak. Expect the weather to be fair When crows fly in pairs. When ladybugs swarm, Expect a day that's warm. When chickens scratch together, There's sure to be foul weather. Flies bite more before a storm. Frogs croak more and ducks quack louder before rain.

The Intuitive Drunk A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2 percent milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. The drunk says, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she says, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?' The drunk replies, "Cause you're ugly."

Good Natured Bible Jokes Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married? A. Ruth-less. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun.

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Christians Changing Lightbulbs! How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air. Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times. Roman Catholic and Orthodox: None. Candles only. Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad. Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better. Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish. Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutheran: None. Lutherans don't believe in change. Amish: What's a light bulb?