A lawyer’s job is to win, regardless of all the lofty ideals those in the profession claim. Getting the client off, right or wrong, is the only bottom line. OJ’s playing golf isn’t he?
If, in the pursuit of that goal, the truth
must be twisted and made to appear as untruth so be it. Winning is the goal, the
truth be damned.
The lawyer's truth is not Truth, but consistency
or a consistent expediency.
Henry David Thoreau
Woe unto you, lawyers! for ye have taken away the key of knowledge: ye enter not in yourselves, and them that were entering in ye hindered.
Jesus, Luke 11:52
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties? A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
A: Shoot the lawyer three times just to make sure.
Q: Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments?
1) there are more of the lawyers to work with, 2) lawyers are more expendable, 3) lawyers do more harm to society than rats, 4) lab assistants are less likely to develop a bond or feel sympathy for them, 5) rats arouse more feelings of compassion and humanity, 6) they multiply faster, 7) rats have an innate right to life and liberty, 8) animal rights groups will not object to their torture, 9) rats have more dignity, 10) there are some things even a rat won't do.
Q: What is the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments? A: It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Q: What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? A: The vultures will eat the skunk.
Q: How bad was the recession of 1991? A: It was so bad, the lawyers were walking around with their hands in THEIR OWN pockets.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer> A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them? A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Q: What do you call an honest lawyer? A: An impossibility.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer? A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.
Q: What is the difference between pigs and lawyers. A: You can learn to respect a pig.
Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q: What is the difference between baseball and law? A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Q: Why didn't the doctor pay the rent on his outhouse? A: He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies "four!" The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time. "The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for doctor brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch. 1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer. 2) Lawyers breed faster. 3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying. 4) There are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"