Against This Vast Army by Mark Allyn Stewart

Top 100 reason why Captain Kirk

is better than Captain Picard!

A humorous list of reasons why we love Kirk and why his bald heir leaves us a little cold.

(Don't get upset, it's all in good fun!)

The Shat Approves


1. When Data died, Picard had a funeral. When Spock died, Kirk reconstituted the body, forced it’s soul back in, and even got him laid along the way.

2. When Picard senses that Wesley is having emotional problems he sits down and talks with him about it. When Kirk sensed that Charlie X was having emotional problems he took him to the gym and threw him around on the mats until he got over it.

3. When Picard went back in time he brought back Data’s head. When Kirk went back in time he brought back a blonde.

4. Picard’s Enterprise was destroyed by a couple of Klingon chicks while he was stranded on a desert planet. Kirk’s Enterprise was destroyed when he blew up a crew of Klingons, stole their ship, and resurrected Spock from the dead.

5. Kirk has caused computers to self-destruct by out-thinking them on three separate occasions.

6. When Picard was in the Academy he got stabbed in the heart. When Kirk was in the Academy he beat the unbeatable Kobyoshi Maru scenario and bagged Carol Marcus in his spare time.

7. When Sisko met Picard he told him he hated him. When Sisko met Kirk he got his autograph.

8. Kirk does not play the flute.

9. Picard is from France.

10. When Picard has a problem he talks to Guinan about it. When Kirk has a problem he shoots it.

11. When Kirk screams it echoes across the entire planet.

12. When Kirk blew up the Enterprise, Starfleet built him another one and had it ready by the time he got home.

13. Kirk collects antique guns. Picard collects antique matrioshka nesting dolls.

14. Kirk chastises omni-powerful super beings for not being polite to women.

15. Kirk sword fights someone on a regular basis.

16. Kirk’s Enterprise did not have a day care.

17. Kirk once ordered Scotty to fire a photon torpedo on his position and then he dodged out of the way so it hit the alien he was fighting.

18. Kirk has a violently deadly disease in his blood but he doesn’t let it slow him down any.

19. When it’s time for shore leave Kirk goes rock climbing and drinks whiskey. Picard wears nut smashing banana hammock speedos and reads by the pool.

20. Picard’s name is known and respected throughout Klingon space. Kirk’s name is cursed and vilified.

21. The only Klingon serving on Kirk’s bridge would be a dead one.

22. Kirk jumps horses in his spare time. Picard owns a fish.

23. Kirk would never allow an “acting ensign” to lock out his command codes.

24. Picard quotes Shakespeare for fun. Kirk quotes Shakespeare to intimidate his enemies.

25. Kirk’s jump kick projects 650 pounds of blunt force.

26. Kirk once made a cannon that shot diamonds.

27. Kirk defies superior alien beings on an almost daily basis.

28. When the evil aliens use a stun ray on the crew, Kirk always stays conscious for a minimum of 15 seconds longer than everyone else.

29. Kirk is on a first name basis with every single admiral in Starfleet.

30. Kirk once said: “You’re the Captain’s woman, till he says you're not.”

31. When Sarek mind melded with Picard, Picard cried a lot. When Sarek mind melded with Kirk, Kirk decided to hijack the Enterprise and bring Spock back from the dead.

32. Kirk can shoulder roll at 127 miles per hour.

33. Picard’s engineer wears goofy wrap-around sunglasses. Kirk’s engineer wears a kilt and can drink you under the table.

34. If Picard’s engineer has a headache it’s because he wore his Visor for too long. If Kirk’s engineer has a headache it’s because he has a hangover.

35. Kirk looks good in sideburns. Really good.

36. Picard drinks tea. Kirk drinks Saurian Brandy straight from the bottle.

37. Kirk mocks Federation bureaucrats that he doesn’t like and then proves that their aids are Klingon spies, just to make the point.

38. Kirk once became an Indian god with the power to resurrect the dead.

39. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at chess.

40. Kirk’s love affairs extend not only across space but across time as well.

41. Kirk’s dress uniform does not actually look like a dress.

42. Kirk looks good in a ripped shirt, and he knows it.

43. Kirk repopulated the Earth’s once extinct humpbacked whale species.

44. When Picard wants the ship to go faster he calls down to engineering and asks to go faster. When Kirk wants the ship to go faster he sling-shots it around the sun.

45. When Klingons invaded Picard’s Enterprise he carefully neutralized them. When Klingons invaded Kirk’s Enterprise he had a massive sword fight with them.

46. Kirk has fought evil duplicates of himself on numerous occasions, always with screaming involved.

47. Kirk’s greatest nemesis was the genetically superior ruler of over a quarter of the Earth. Picard’s greatest nemesis likes to dress like him and occasionally cause inconvenience.

48. Kirk has punched out at least one member of over three thousand known alien races.

49. Kirk would never allow his first officer to get more tail than he does.

50. No matter what world Picard goes to, Kirk was there first and probably has an illegitimate child somewhere on the planet.

51. Everyone knows the phrase “Beam me up, Scotty!” The phrase, “Energize whenever you are ready, Mr. La Forge,” doesn’t exactly have the same notoriety.

52. Picard’s first officer is named after a bathroom code.

53. Kirk once yelled, “No blah-blah-blah! No blah-blah-blah!” and made it sound important.

54. Kirk’s hand phaser is sleek and sexy. Picard’s hand phaser looks like a Hoover dirt devil.

55. When Kirk wants to talk to the Enterprise he flips open his communicator dramatically. When Picard wants to talk to the Enterprise he has to tweak his own nipple.

56. Kirk’s youth was spent doing back breaking work on a farm in Iowa. Picard’s youth was spent squishing grapes with his toes in France.

57. Kirk fought the Greek god Apollo. And won.

58. The women on Picard’s ship wear long pants. On Kirk’s ship, miniskirts are mandatory.

59. Kirk’s middle name is Tiberius.

60. It runs in the family: Picard’s brother died trapped in a fire. Kirk’s brother died fighting swarms of alien invaders.

61. When Data hijacked the Enterprise, Picard was helpless to stop him. When Spock hijacked the Enterprise Kirk fought him to the death.

62. Kirk’s medical officer prescribes hard liquor as a cure all.

63. Kirk has heavy calluses on his right index finger from pressing the trigger on his phaser so many times.

64. When Kirk gets punched in the face he just wipes the blood off his lip and looks at it with a smirk.

65. Picard once wore formal Klingon robes for a Klingon ceremony. If Kirk ever wore Klingon robes it would be because he took them off a dead Klingon.

66. Kirk chops his own firewood.

67. Kirk once led a Mafia take over.

68. Kirk would have slept with Beverly Crusher by episode two.

69. In the episode “The Trouble With Tribbles” the tribbles bred at such a fast rate not because of instinct but because they were in the presence of Kirk.

70. When Deanna Troi talks about what she’s feeling, Picard listens carefully and thanks her for her input. Kirk would have called it “pillow talk.”

71. The emotional content level of Kirk’s speeches is an average of 782 times higher than the level of Picard’s speeches. If he’s talking about revolution, exploration or diversity, it is 1,089 times higher.

72. When Picard has an alien delegation on board he invites them to a quiet dinner. When Kirk has an alien delegation on board he gets plowed on Romulan Ale.

73. Kirk is familiar with 20th century slang.

74. The main computer on Kirk’s Enterprise once hit on him.

75. Kirk faced off against Wyatt Earp at the O.K. Corral and won.

76. Picard is a Frenchman with an English accent.

77. Kirk only requires thirty-two minutes of sleep a day.

78. Kirk eats multicolored nutrition squares because he’s too busy fighting stuff to eat a normal meal.

79. Kirk destroyed 672 uniform tunics during the Enterprise’s first five year mission.

80. 347 of those tunics were destroyed during combat with Klingons. The rest were destroyed by various women.

81. When Picard fought the Borg he got assimilated. When Kirk fought the Borg he blew up their home planet.

82. When Kirk was sent to the prison camp on Rura Penthe he hadn’t bathed or changed his clothes in days and was wearing animal carcasses for warmth but Iman still threw herself at him the moment he arrived.

83. When Abraham Lincoln appeared floating in space in front of the Enterprise, Kirk didn’t even blink.

84. Kirk can break out of any jail cell that is located anywhere in time or space within one hour. Within one half hour if Spock is with him.

85. When Kirk disguised himself as a Romulan, he stole a cloaking device and used it to escape to Federation space. When Picard disguised himself as a Romulan he ate some soup and then got captured.

86. Denny Crane.

87. 87% of all Klingon opera is about the singer’s desire to kill Kirk.

88. The other 13% of all Klingon opera is about the singer’s desire to be killed by Kirk in glorious battle.

89. Kirk once taught an emotionless female android how to love. Then he broke up with her.

90. Kirk’s evil twin womanized and swilled brandy. Picard’s evil twin liked to have his scalp massaged by Ron Perlman.

91. Even though they haven’t existed for hundreds of years, Kirk can still sort of drive a stick shift.

92. Kirk never dressed in green tights and pretended to be Robin Hood, and if he had, someone would have paid for it.

93. Even though Kirk often pauses between words, no one ever dares interrupt him.

94. Kirk went to the center of the universe, met god and wasn’t impressed.

95. When Kirk says “boldly go,” he means it.

96. "KHHHAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!!!"

97. Kirk blatantly disobeys one out of every five Starfleet orders just to remind them who’s really minding the store.

98. Starfleet estimates that the average Klingon has a 36% chance of being killed by Kirk at some point in their lifetime, regardless of their age, profession, location or social status.

99. Kirk once kicked a Klingon into the molten core of an exploding planet.

100. Style: Kirk did it first, he did it better and he did it wearing gold velour and Beatle-boots with a space girl on each arm.


". . . I think the producer [Rick Berman] was trying to kill the character off because it was a legacy of the old guard and this guy was head of the new guard with Patrick [Stewart] and The Next Generation. So I think he was trying to kill as many antecedents, like a lion killing the cubs . . ." - William Shatner on working with Rick Berman on Star Trek: Generations

"The death of Kirk in the seventh movie was so pointless and anticlimactic. Compared to the heroic death of Spock in 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan', Kirk's death was a real dud. If the decision was to kill off Kirk, much more thought could have been given to a death more in keeping with the kind of man James T. Kirk was in life. He should not have died in a simple accident."
- George Takei "Sulu"

[The way the death of Kirk was handled] "was flawed and the impact was not what we'd hoped for on any level." - Ronald D. Moore, co-writer of Star Trek: Generations

"The mistake I made was thinking I could make it a spectacular death with what they had written." - William Shatner on regretting Kirk's death.


Induldge yourself with some Classic Star Trek:





I miss my old chair.
Star Trek is Copyright © Paramount Pictures.
No rights are presumed or taken.
This page was created on 3/15/98.
  4 8 15 16 23 42
Startpage

Long Live Kirk!

From Dusk Till Dawn NOW!


The False Illusion of Facebook