Secrets of giving a perfect party? Your HOME IN PERFECT ORDER! Make sure your apartment is ‘TOTALLY together.’ You don’t even think of giving a party until your apartment’s décor is straight. Those boxes of unsorted papers are sorted, shelved, filed and gone. If you shampoo carpets, give them a smelly week to dry. Make certain that wherever a guest goes, up to and including MEDICINE cabinet, ANY SNOOPY guests would only see pristine vistas. Get a pal to function as clutter coach.

IN SHAPE! THE DIET WORKED. The new slinky hostess outfit is actually loose. Don’t even call a guest until you have lost that five lbs, or twenty five.

ON TIME! AND it’s the RIGHT TIME! YOUR ASTROLOGER picked a Jupiter or VENUS night. You have the inside course with ME, your freebie astrologer… as far as power nights which have magical zap and everyone thinks it was just your party, food, guests…..well, who’s saying it wasn’t? WHAT could l’il JUPITER DO at 20 billion miles? A LOT so write me at astrology @ and I pick a Jupiter nite any section of the month you like!

DON’T PUT GUESTS ON A DIET. I'd say get a real, Honey Baked Ham, not the sale ham at 88c a pound but I just had a Farmer John and it was terrific. Just give it all the jam, marmalade you can, sugary coat is real important for this salty pork.

Get an ice cream churn and buy wholesale amounts of real full cream rather than pay thru nose for Ben & Jerry’s ice cream for your homemade pecan pie. AVOID the supermarket cheap brand, barely a quarter inch of pecans, make the REAL DEAL. It’s amazingly easy toMAKE YOUR OWN PECAN PIE, it will taste better than store bought, folks will see you pulling it out of the’ll bring you valuable “girl publicity”. (Save mega money also).

Serve a genuine dark green salad, arugula, cilantro,crisp, raw spinach, dotted with Greek olives, avocado, toasted pignolas, pomegranate seeds, croutons, Maui minced onions. SPLURGE on best French bakery’s sour dough baguettes, heat bread til it’s toasty, throw garlic butter in the splits inside, but you don't need genuine Italian grated parmesan cheese, you know that shredded parmesan off a brick. Not necessary, the KRAFT stuff tastes BETTER….. DISHES of iced GREEN OLIVES with garlic inside each olive, you know, we call them STARLET olives, as they were stuffed in CALIFORNIA…But who says you can't stuff them yourself, cans of cheap pitted olives and your fried up garlic slivers. CHEESE CAKE, must be home made, when word gets out you made the desserts, bachelors coo your name for years after.

In case VEGANS are skulking around, make hummus, somewhere at the WELFARE COOKERY WEBSITE, a few recipes, make a big pile of it, home made sesame crackers. Chile rellenos, huge plates of them. THESE require assistance! Once Judy Garland came to my party as her BF was my best chum and I was in the kitchen whole time, making these laborious chiles, entire guest list went to bedroom to listen to JUDY TALK and eat chile rellenos while I was sweating in kitchen frying piles of them! MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS! (NOT!)

GET SOME SOLID ZZZZ’s SOON AS it’s OVER! There are two things you don’t do after a party. ONE is clean. The other…well, AT PARTY’S END you are mental mashed potatoes, so THROW THAT CUTE GUY OUT. You are not rational! There are guys out there who do nothing but boff tired hostesses as it’s so easy. They never call again, either. EVER! Take a half beer, read a mystery in bed and you’ll fall slowly off that jagged crag.

GIVE THE PARTY A GLAM RAP. Have a donations policy, tell guests ahead of time, bring a check made out for Clooney’s DARFUR charity. Or THE NATION mag. Learn how to make parties for a CHARITY.“ANYONE CAN SEND MONEY TO GEORGE CLOONEY’s DARFUR CHARITY.You can either charge at the door or tell everyone beforehand,to bring a check foryour DARFUR, Africa or Haiti charity. Payable to the real deal, go online to find it. Not payable to you, of course. But do see HOW TO START YOUR OWN CHARITY, RAISE MONEY LEGALLY AND SALARY YOURSELF.