YOUR GOOD KARMA MACHINE - The GERIATRIC ASSIST.
Great and saintly people go out of their way to help the homeless, sick, defenseless, disenfranchised, old and lonely. Just today a Beverly Hills couple got in their Cessna airplane to fly to San Diego, pick up a sick person and take 'em to a surgery date and instead they crashed into our Los Angeles bay (for as my smart old BF used to say cynically, no good deed goes unpunished.) Not to worry. They went straight to heaven. Be certain their karma is immaculate and they'll get the royal suite at the Heavenly Hilton.
But hey, we don't have Cessnas. We have to cast around for a better, safer way to improve OUR karma and assure ourselves the Presidential Suite at the heavenly Hilton. That's why I came up with the geriatric assist list.
Having suddenly BECOME a geriatric, I know what we'uns need. (List below) They're very simple, even fun things to do. Find yourself a neighbor who doesn't walk straight, with gray thatch on top, someone probably carless, (car-less, not CARE-less! WE have CARES!) who finally has the perfect life now that they get 340$ a month social security and can take a breather from total poverty and afford a few things which they desperately need. (I have been without bobbi pins, stamps, scotch tape, gluesticks, toothpicks and safety pins for so long!) I finally got SOC SECURITY and with such plenty as $340 a month total stipend, we're jolly, we're happy, now! So come to our apartment or cottage and:
a.) THREAD OUR NEEDLES - Find a pin cushion. We have one.We're old. WE ALWAYS have a pincushion around. Find our NEEDLE package. We have that too. Find our thread, hey, every color we got! BUT THREAD THEM DAMN NEEDLES? Not gonna happen. TEN MINUTES SOLID with my hands in the air squinting into the lightbulb where my needle is silhouetted, its hole smiling down at me and the average geriatric cannot thread that needle because we only have reading glasses and it's not enough magnification! If you're rich, buy us ultra magnification glasses so we can thread our own needles. Otherwise, take every color of thread and do one needle per color, then stick the collection in a cushion and baggie it. Cuz we watch a lotta TV and we like to mend our clothing while we do it. We have our favorite comfy housedresses and sweats and the older we get (and they seem to age with us,) the more dented we both get. And hey, did I say WE LOVE TO MEND!
Don't want to do it? YOU BUY US some new frocks then.
b.) COMB OUT OUR TANGLES - Rats nest mean anything to you? It's what seniors wear on the back of their head. That's the blind area. Twist as we can our arms can't reach it and they also haven't the strength. The heart cannot muster the blood pressure to keep flabby senior arms up for more than a few seconds anyway. We shampoo our heads often, use rinse. So stuff isn't crawling there! And we can comb the sides of our head in front but NOTHING gets those nasty kinks and mats out right near back of head at neck level. Ask the old person sweetly: Can I comb your hair for you in case you missed a spot? See that guilty look? You know you got yourself a tangled rat's nest with a geriatric attached. But no murmuring scoldings, eh?
c.) KITCHEN REVIEW- Having recently poisoned myself with a 15 yr old can of water chestnuts that had become positively metallic from some cheap Asian tin entering the chestnut, help us toss our old stuff. Cans age. You can spot an old can. (Stop looking at my butt!) Dust on top is one clue. It's behind other senior cans, another clue. Grab 'em and toss. If we hold on to the can and start to wrestle you to the ground, remind us that heavy metal will make our arthritis kick in. We'll become instantly docile.
d.) FIX ALL THOSE OLD BROKEN EYEGLASSES- As I write this, two strands of YARN keep my glasses on my head. I have a few dozen corpses of glasses around house, piles of frames, lenses even. I know that if some Christian would take the whole assortment to an optometrist and say 'look, I got this senior in my bldg. She's blind as a bat. Could you give me some cheap frames so we could create useable glasses for her?" you'll get a good price. I would be willing to pay 90% (the same co-pay on my MED-I-CARE btw) which doesn't take care of glasses or dental.You didn't know that? Oh wait til you're in the final stretch, kidlet. Sur-PRISE!
E.) GET PHYSICAL IN THE BEDROOM- No you dunce! Dream ON! Every senior needs his lumpy mattress turned over. We couldn't do it in a thousand years. OK, maybe if you gave me a million dollars I could. Turn a queen mattress on her side, then figure out how to flip it over, without taking down the wall art, crashing lamps to the floor, maybe I could do it. After all, I keep nitroglycerine on the bedstand but it would be very hard. And maybe mortal. I prefer a lumpy mattress to death. I'm funny that way.
F.) WHAT FURNITURE MOVED WHERE?- What senior hasn't dragged home an old chair. Hoping to have a visitor one day.?? (Hint hint) Well I do drag them in regularly. Every room has chairs so thick I can't get in any more. If you'd move the furniture to the other room, I'd vacuum, which I LOVE DOING. and then you could move the furniture back? You could watch TV while I vaccum. Digital, Hoax TV of course is all I have, Channels 2 thru 13. And most of those do not come in unless you move the arial around entire room knocking converter box silly.
G.) DRIVE THE GETAWAY CAR. Ask us which market we really dream of going to that we can't get to. For me it would be TRADER JOE's and WHOLE FOODS. Once a month, drive us. Or the Persian or Armenian market, half the price of the Asian. You'd adore it, too. Save coupons from the newspapers which you are more likely to get than they. The entire section of coupons which comes once a week. Hand it over to the senior in which case the market you DRIVE us to should be the big CHAIN. Inspire senior to soak those beans overnight, cook them. Get spices from friends. Rich people throw away herbs and spices every six months. So SILLY!
H.) HOLISTIC MASSAGE- Ask your senior chum to strip down to their knickers and lie on a sheet face down while you take any cream or oil you can find, and using 25 lbs of pressure, work on bursitis. For me it would be LEFT HIP JOINT and entire, right shoulder cap. I call it the mouse shoulder, the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, call that the MOUSE paw. And the filet mignon on both sides of the spine which is full of toxic dump sites, I call that the pigging out package. You don't have to turn me over, neither of us has the stomach for that.
I) Clean out our fridge. Kneeling while scraping, steel wooling, tossing pans of bleach and water at the crud, then throwing ammonia and knocking ourselves out comatose, lungs searing, eyes bleeding, just isn't a senior thing. So the interior of our fridge is filled with murky water. So there are dishes back there from Prohibition. Ask us for our soak up rag-ex towel collection, get a basin, some bleach. Hang rags to drain on back porch in sun, The senior will launder them later when there are a dozen dirty rags. But the big karma improver of all history would be your cleaning our fridge. And filling out the state forms for a low energy fridge they give us seniors 4free.
J) GEAR EM' UP! If you're professional level karma changing geriatric assistor, you will want to go to PC FIXER shops, find a used PC for under l00$ complete with modem for DSL, monitor, keyboard, printer. Then, get the old person a cheap server like NetZero.Learn these Methods at INTERNET SKILLS FOR DUMMIES site. Show the PRE ALZHEIMERS senior how to do email, save and edit files. Help him or her bookmark. Organize bookmarks, Subjects alphabetized. Teach him/ her to use the email address book. But most important, teach her how to go to USED BOOKS ONLINE, (ABES,) and use PAYPAL to issue cash safely to venders w. NO credit card numbers. Ever. And last, how to USE abes to buy used books cheaply.
K.) ORGANIZE THEIR OFFICE & DESK. Bring a stack of magazines you've collected from pals, Time, H&G, LIFE, LOOK, THE NATION, GOOD HOUSEKEEPING, Nat'l Geographic, ART NEWS, Forbes, Entrepreneur, WHATEVER.. And get all the paperbacks and hard covers your pals are tossing. Everyone who reads has a shelf of giveaways. In my case, those aren't worth the match it would take to burn 'em but more generous souls might have the great authors: Forsyth, Parker, Silva. (Larger list below) History, Mysteries and thrillers. NEXT: Get a brand new address book, (desk size) to give Ole Feeble a new, clean edition of all her old people's data as it's so sad going thru a book with all your dead friends' names still there looking up at you! Get all the senior's old addie books and with her by your elbow, go thru them, saying shall we put this person in the new one? He died? Ok, how about HER? Somehow when she's not looking get her children's phone and email addie and communicate with ALL of her kids. Say, I am your Mom's/ Father's help mate. Anything new occurs here, I'm going to be writing you. Give me your email address, write me at X addie. Put them on a mini list in YOUR OWN PC's addie book. List them: HERKIDS. or HIS KIDS. If you're Jesus and have four seniors you watch over, JOANKIDS, BILL KIDS etc. Different "LISTS" They call them. You do know how to create EMAIL LISTS, don't you? And how old did you say you were? .
While you're doing the above chores, always discuss her kids until you feel you know each one's profile. Later, when you get home, write them saying your mom claims you ALMOST never write her. (Technical foul If you don't use the world ALMOST, cuz they can argue that.) If you don't send one letter a week, every week, cards and checks on Mother's day and birthday and Xmas, Hand dipped chocolates on Valentines and Mother's day, I am going to have my witch put a curse on you. (I do that service for free BTW). And be specific about what Christmas presents will work: Soft cardigans, cashmere scarves, fur lined gloves, soft wool or cotton socks, flannel nighties, no itchy lace anywhere, not wrist, neck. Flannel sheets in winter, cotton not poly sheets, in summer, pillow cases of course. Maybe a new goose down pillow! Hand-dipped chocolates from Sees in Calif or Ethyl's in Henderson near Las Vegas. What doesn't work ever is checks. Checks are cold as ice and will bring you huge bad karma. (Unless they're big big checks.) Then, they're better than fine!
L.) STAYING FOR THE WHOLE DAY? We'd even pay you to do these things:
Ammonia wipe Clean all windows. Both sides if you're a real saint.
Take out the garbage, wastepaperbaskets.
Change dead lightbulbs
Fix cupboard doors that do not close
Tell me what day it is, mark it on wall calendar
Change batteries in the clocks so I'll know what hour it is.
Do some dishes. Scour some pots. Ask if there are bottles or jars I can't open.
Do some laundry.
M.) ARE YOU RICH? Buy the senior a ton of dime novels at thrift stores. My thrift on Sherman way has books l9c to 49c. Hard covers 99c. All negotiable too. Maybe some used books online, (HOW TO ORDER).Secret method to get them super cheap!Pick up a dozen paperback mysteries at the Salvation Army, 49c each, best are Sue Grafton, Alan Furst, Stephen Hunter, Robert Crais, James Lee Burke, Isaac Bashevis Singer, Lee Child, Michael Connelly. Daniel Silva, early James Michener (not late,) etc. FULL LIST
N.) Rent a rug shampooer- You donít have to buy those costly cleaners. The senior will have ammonia, detergent, vinegar, mix a weak solution and it works great. Open the windows, move furniture into hallway, all except sofa, nobody can move that. Do the bedroom. Run a rinse mixture thru the second run. Vinegar and water and some FEBREZE type scent. VOILA! Then, take the shampooer machine to your own house and do it, too. Two for the price of one. They give you 24 hours with the thing. If you want, hire a HOME DEPOT Mexican to do the work, make beans and tortillas and black coffee at midday. It becomes a party, practice-Spanish lesson, all in one. Ask me how much money you save on BERLITZ and pro carpet cleaners? Enough to do a cruise!
O) Fit them out with the Alzheimers pack. BRAIN MEDS (these are vitamins that clear the thinking) Seniors get spacey, you'll see. Wait til you're 70. They have occasional thoughts but mostly wide open spaces, however the thoughts that they have are GREAT. Problem is, they can't recall them five min. later! A senior should carry a notepad pen full time! Find one with a pen fitted in, see if they wear a cotton apron with a pocket or what. A SENIOR KANGAROO BELT might be a great invention! Even for when they wander their home. Pockets contain "IN EMERGENCY CALL" CELL PHONE. NOTE PAD, fine tip marker, DUPES OF all KEYS, CREDIT CARD. Their daily vitamin ration and a few bucks for a lemonade and hot dog. A cheap cell phone and they're home free. (In case they get lost)
P) DIRTY SHEETS! We don't have cars or washing machines, so ask, 'want me to drive you to the laundry? The senior will sit there reading (so bring a novel,) while stuff washes; you get to run errands in the village there. Do pick senior up in an hour. The two of you have coffee and scones somewhere. Everyone enjoys it so this chore is never a drag. Be sure to point out to senior where his Laundry is as if he ignores it at drier time, some fleet hands will be enjoying her sheets tonight!
Q.) Fear of ASKING - We never call the Meals on Wheels programs, it is 8$ a single meal. We never call the senior dial a ride, once you qualify with arduous testing it's 5$ a trip. We never go to the church free skid row turkey feed as we have no car. We can't go to where the Health Mobile is parked. There are city services including SOCIAL WORKERS at a county level. But one must investigate what's out there. Call the SENIOR HELP AGENCY to get a whole list of MEDICAL CHAUFFEURING by social workers and THOSE SENIOR RECREATION centers. Help us to get over our self-effacing antipathy for asking for help. Also help the agency to not charge so much. Say 'this senior only has x amt, so if MEALS ON WHEELS is 8$ a meal, we can't do it.' Ditto the ''free ride" which is never free. But you can get a free BUS PASS if senior lives near a route!
R.) SHOES- If your senior is a size 7 foot, I'll bet you have fifty galpals with that size tennis shoe kind of damaged, tainted, spotted. She isn't going to clean the things. You wash them, paint them white, nurse shoe paint. Wax them up, Bleach the shoe strings, PRESENT THEM to your adoptive Granny. Tell all your galpals from now on, old tennis shoes should not be tossed, ever! Those ritzy gals do not have their shoes cleaned even by the shoemaker they toss em!
S.) Blouses skirts trousers. Your size 14 friends who dieted down to size 2 will have these items, much needed. Skip the Salvation Army. Avoid the middle man! Your ritzy pal's cooties are much cleaner.
T.) SCRAP BOOK DETAIL- Get Granny a scrapbook and some glue and show her how to take that box of old photos and make something important to give to the grandkids. Cut out images from magazines, or arrows pointing and Text saying "This is your great great Grandpa Bertal in Oslo. He was a gold smith.' That kind of thing. The local Craft shop has new age scrap book stuff with new age glues. If you have no MONEY, ask kids for a gift certificate to that craft shop.
U.) Last time we bother the senior's children: Get the kids to chip in on a DVD PLAYER and subscribe Gramma to NETFLIX. Maybe in the kids' name. Give oldster a serious lesson (her taking notes,) on how to work the machine. Or that VHS COLLECTION every pal has? GET it for the senior who still has a pristine VHS machine.
V.) You have dozens of pals. Ask them to contribute sheets, blankets, socks, sweaters, soft cotton jerseys to wear under an itchy sweater, Lanz type soft, cotton flannel nighties, bedroom slippers, cotton leggings, winter long johns. These are things seniors need when they cannot pay heat bills. They don't turn on the heat in winter or the A.C. in summer, no matter how close to death they get.
W.) XMAS SHOPPING. Ask them if they want to be taken to the '99c store' for inexpensive gifts, you will help them box, pack them and take them to the Post Office so it's minimally hard on them.
X.) DUST AND VACUUM. What Senior has a vacuum? Schlep yours over there, clean their apartment or house. Cmon vacuuming is fun. Put a rag on top of the broom and do ceiling cobwebs. In Hot weather, rent a shampooer, make an ammonia, detergent shampoo and do the carpets yourself. Warn her to leave house open until it dries.
Y.) Set up the digital converter box so that it gets all the good channels. You'll need the manual and remote. See freebie CHANNELS WITH MYSTERIES.
Z.) Carry Senior personally to dentist office, tell the guy she raised a lot of kids, could never get a job, no man wanted to marry a woman with so many children so now, fifty years later, her SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK is a puny $340.00 a month. Could he fill a few cavities, nothing more, and not charge her? Don't let her hear you saying all this.
If you help some senior person with these few little things, oh say once a month or twice a year and when you get to Heaven, there will be room service with a four star chef for eternity! And when you are reborn, you will be a Maharaja or Bill Gates or....better yet, MELINDA GATES. That is a good job! Except the poor thing never gets to vacuum.
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Our POSTER is ANITA SANDS HERNANDEZ, Los Angeles Writer, mother of 4 and career Astrologer. Catch up with her websites TRUTHS GOV WILL HIDE & NEVER TELL YOU, also The FUTURE, WHAT'S COMIN' AT YA! FRUGAL LIFE STYLE TIPS, HOW TO SURVIVE the COMING GREAT DEPRESSION, and Secrets of Nature, HOLISTIC, AFFORDABLE HEALING. Also ARTISANRY FOR EXPORT, EARN EUROS....* Anita is at firstname.lastname@example.org ). Get a FREE natal horoscope "my money/future life" reading now + copy horoscope as a Gif file graphic! No smarter, more accurate career reading out there!
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