New Age SEMINAR: HOW TO BE A COMMANDO FEMALE
or STRATEGIES THAT WORK IN THE WAR OF THE SEXES
POWER TOOLS THAT WORK!
LADIES: We have been wimps too long. Haven't the great "How To" books of the 70's and 80's taught us that any unpleasant syndrome arising in the brutal sex can be studied and dealt with? We have recourse in tactics and strategies. In awareness.
There are many ways to check the native aggression of males without chopping off their velvety pink protruberances.
Like all the rustic charms of nature, men's charms are better left untamed. The wilder they are, the more fun they are to visit from time to time. Women should aspire to enjoy men in all their untamed savagery. Learn to co-exist. Accept them as they are and for a stress-free trip, ride the donkey the way it's going.
Don't demand political correctness of men. Be a good sport, go along with male domination, because what with alimony vs. inheritance laws, it's simply smarter business to do so.
Let them give us chump change spending money. By law, half their disposable income is really ours to knock about as we please, but we won't spend it just now 'cause we love 'em to death. But GLOAT, gals, in that secret knowledge that we CAN spend all the gelt when they croak or half the gelt when the death of love hits and the court will back us up.
But in the meantime, inbetween time, we will let them stick us with the dishes and kids because they do an eight hour work day at some horrid place we couldn't visit for a minute. Those dishes are not an injustice. But you know and I know there are injustices where men are concerned. And when one comes, it is painful. For that reason, I recommend doing all you can to prevent a real injustice from being done you, because those acts are the death knell of love.
I always warn couples, 'don't piss in the well you both have to drink from. Handle your problems with humor, a light touch and ladies? In secret, use power tools.
If the day comes when your man encroaches on your private territory and causes you pain, and you perceive that an injustice is beginning to be done ya, you have to have the tools to signal the bozo, to resist in a light and humorous manner, so that that important 'well' of love does NOT get poisoned.
For instance, sometimes a man will try to throw his weight around, nag or even criticize. Last I heard, these verbs were womanly perogatives.
When a man steps out of his God-given masculine role and starts to chew on you, it's time to return his aggression in kind. So it is the ANTI-NAG toolkit that I want to share with you first.
IF A MAN TAKES AIM AT YOUR HOUSEKEEPING, DON'T FRET. This is the most fun you can have without shopping. A man foolish enough to wander into the territory of criticizing a woman's housework is like an Indian who has wandered into a narrow canyon without horse, bow or arrow. He's as surely going to be cut and dried as a monkey becomes jerky in Peru.
Imagine that your personal house ape has just complained about a spot of crud on an otherwise clean and useable dinner dish. He segues to the paper napkins (his mother used linen).
Poor dolt. After you take today's seminar, you are going to know exactly how to handle him. The more he goes on about your poor housekeeping, the more fun you're going to have. So let the jerk go on.
As he's finishing this tyrade about the filthy table, look up at him, and actually pretend to listen. Not a clue that you feel unappreciated for a decade of washing dishes, or are upset, hurt, wounded, or are angry, or have an A-bomb up your sleeve.
We need him to really step in the snare so always act like a good victim for a few strategic minutes. Seem to consider the excellence and reasonability of his criticism. How clean he is and how clean you aren't.
Seem properly chastened. This is how you navigate into a position to nail his ruby begonias to the wallpaper and frame them for posterity.
He's only enumerated a very few things wrong with your dishes and linen. You must get him to expand on other areas where your laziness and filth are manifested and where he'd like it otherwise. You are going to lure him into telling you as many things that are messy as he can find. You want him to say exactly how it wasn't done correctly, i.e. floors aren't mopped and then shined. With paste Wax? Or that linoleum stuff. How those objects that litter the house could be tripped over and must be put away. Where? The closets? But closets are filled. Then, 'clean the closets head to toe' he will say. Make a mental jot.
He will go on about how there are unwashed, dirty clothes hanging out of the hamper onto the floor. And how the bedroom closet doors are always left open. And how there's fur growing on things in the back of the fridge. EVERYTHING. Then,
Phase two: We will nail his ape mind to a single, very simple uncomplicated moral issue with one simple question. Look him right in the eye and ask him: "Do you think it's right for a housework-NON-contributing family member to criticize the housework contributing member for one single detail in the area of CLEANING, organizing, polishing the house or its dishes or clothing much less a hundred as you have just done?" This focuses him. Of course, it's a koan he can't crack, but it doesn't matter, just go on. "You not only haven't spent equal time but have not done even one of these chores badly ---chores that you just want me to do more perfectly ---and you haven't done them once in the last five (ten?) (fifteen?) years!"
Now, without taking a breath, go on, with gathering ferocity. "For one thing, I have a legal right to out daily and spend half of our disposable income on myself, which I do not do because I'm too busy doing the cleaning that I do. Second, I am deeply offended that a.) you never volunteered to help me, and b) you have no appreciation for the years I did it all by myself alone." Look him in the eye. "Never once have I criticized you for the work you do at the factory, or for the money you bring in."
At this point, turn and find something round, hard and heavy like a vase and rest your hand on it which on a subliminal, unconscious level, creates great fear in apes. SMILE AND LOOK HIM IN THE EYE. And say:
"HoneY? JUST for this shot you've lobbed, this unwarrented attack upon the work that I do every day, every week, year in year out, I feel I am entitled to strike a terrible blow against you." Close the hand on the neck of the vase a little.
When you see that his eyes have travelled to the vase, wait until they return to your face then hoarsely say: " I am going to bill you for all of that past work, ---every day of it, which, out of the kindness of my heart, I never charged for previously, by shopping for myself nor charged you for in any other way. "Money can be love, as when you take me shopping for dresses or jewelry which you have never once done, but mister, money can also be punishment ---as in fines...and I am considering punishing you by charging penalties and taking some money for a change."
"On the other hand, because I'm always nice even when I'm hurt, insulted and angry, you might get a choice of how you wish to pay these cash penalties. You can pay it in money $40 a day paid for the past ten years --- (and here's the impresive and important thing, the detail that distinguishes a Debbie Reynolds from a Sarah Bernhardt, you must always memorize the term of years you've been shacked up, multiply by 40$ per day and have this sum memorized in your head.) it's always roughly 15k per annum.)"---in which case you owe me $150,000 for these ten years payable right now. Now, it's possible that I might commute this sentence and bill you in equal kind, i.e. housework that you would actually DO.
So let's get back to your list of complaints. Now, I think as you criticized the scum on this dish that perhaps a year or two of your doing the dishes might be in order and certainly is appropriate."
His manhood is on the line so naturally he'll start to fuss but you shush him instantly with this next. "SECOND,--" it must ring out and shut him up completely, "--you also criticized the clothing hanging out of the hamper? I think that a year of carrying the dirty clothes to the laundry and pre-rinsing, spotting, washing, drying and folding them out of the dryer, ironing the fussy stuff and putting all of it back in our drawers is now YOUR chore and yours alone to pay me back for the ten years that I did these seven things without a whimper! One year for ten. I'm being very fair.
The word 'fair' must be delivered with the unctuously sweet hush of a priest. No acid on this salad. The word 'Whimper' must be pronounced with a staccato inflection, like the yelp of a puppy struck in the face. 'Whimper' must hang in the air, ring through the house and make houseplants wilt.
Quickly go on: "Now, you mentioned some other chores you wanted done better?" And go on and on like that, dramatically grabbing dirty clothes and waving them, and taking dirty dishes and smashing at least ONE of them on the kitchen or dining room floor to show that you have thrown all decorum to the winds and any mouthing off by him will just occasion God-knows-what-violent acts on your part, maybe something with the vase.
As a finale, tell him that you cannot go to bed in a house this messy and could he please do his share right now and he should call you at the Hilton Hotel when he has finished doing said chores, then walk out to the car, keys in hand.
As you start the car motor, lean out of the car and say, "I'll be in the Trader Vics having dinner, but if you don't call by eleven, I'm engaging a room there for the night. If you finish your chores, come by and visit." Blow him a kiss and drive off.
He may not actually take the speck off the dish but you'll never hear a whimper about housework again.
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