These are things that used to piss me off, but I'm better now

  1. "Mike Green": This is someone on the Squeezefan mailing list who decided that because he couldn't have an order form for the upcoming Squeeze release "Domino" (a form which doesn't exist yet) decided that the site itself was useless, and that the volunteer webmasters for the site were purveying useless information and should be shot (only a slight paraphrase of what the guy said). Whereas I'd like to think that another list member is right and that "Mike Green" is really a list member using a yahoo.com account to take the piss, there are so many humorless bastards out there, that I'm afraid this guy is for real in his own head.

    Punishment: Being forced to listen to the extended remix of "The Amazoooooooooooooooooooooon" while watching the permanent "Family Matters" marathon on the Hades TV network.....

    Go to the Greenspotting page

  2. Those people on computer mailing lists who decide that all questions asking about availability of software require a 4k diatribe about the evils of computer piracy: This one was precious, even though I couldn't help but be impressed by the thoroughness of the research and list of URLs about piracy.

    Punishment: To share a room in hell with "Mike Green", as cataloguer of navel lint.

  3. Coin basket toll lanes: Who the hell decided that in order for me to pay for the privilege of driving to work early in the morning that I would also have to be able throw and aim quarters into a basket above the height of the window of my automobile? I lost fifty cents today on the toll road -- I have mastered the art of operating a motor vehichle before 9 am, but that's about all I have the energy for.

    The entrance ramp to Hades will be littered with these baskets, that will require $1.56 in exact change consisting of a Susan B. Anthony dollar, a Kennedy 50-cent piece, a buffalo-head nickel, and a steel 1943 penny.

  4. Drivers from Canadia
    Been a bad week around these parts due to a whole influx of drivers from Canadia. Just 'cause they're hoarding the US supply of Domino CDs (smug bastards) doesn't mean they have the right to cut me off on the highway.

    Punishment: Well, they're punished enough already, wouldn't you think?

  5. Give Dr. Crusher her own damn movie! Okay, this jeer is directed at the Star Trek ™ franchise. I went to see the latest Star Trek movie today, which was, well, just okay -- it was essentially a two-parter episode with a billion plot holes and cheesy lines. I think they've forgotten what Trek movies are about, as opposed to the series -- the movies are big events that should move forward the action in the Trek universe and show major changes in the characters' lives, not just more episodes of them saving the universe or the Federation. But I digress, what really hacks me off is the limited air time given to anyone who isn't Picard or Data. (and this is coming from someone who thinks that Patrick Stewart has the sexiest speaking voice ever -- he makes James Earl Jones look like an amateur. Read the phone book to me, baby !-- but I digress again)

    The reason that ST:TNG worked so well was that you finally got the feeling that there were more than three people on board the ship, and that this crew worked together as a crew. The movies have shortchanged the supporting characters (and even the ones who aren't so supporting) in a BIG way. The one who has been the most shortchanged is the ever suffering (and ever blonder) Dr. Crusher -- I think she's had maybe ten lines in all three of the Next Generation movies to date. While I'm not the hugest fan of Gates McFadden, all of the other supporting characters have at least had a silly interlude or small subplots of their own at least once in the three films. I say the next movie is hers and hers alone -- let her jump Captain Picard for once and for all (and NOT have them press the Crusher/Picard and Riker/Troi relationship button for the umpteenth time) and have them run off and elope or something. I'm so steamed about this, I even say let them bring back young Wesley (and we all know how popular he was) for some plot points involving his mother.

    Punishment: See above, about bringing back Wesley Crusher.

  6. Those crappy fake endings on CDs with the extra 'bonus' guitar riff at the end: So what's up with all people making CDs nowadays? At first, I thought it was a fluke -- a vagary of a pretentious 'artiste' -- I first noticed it on Michael Penn and Aimee Mann's albums, after all. The album was seemingly over, but the counter read that there were still a few minutes left. So you wait. And wait. Still silence. Wait some more. until FINALLY 16 seconds of aural splodge! However, this bug seems to have infected the recording world at large -- Squeeze is still immune, but that was Glenn Tilbrook's voice in the splodge at the end of Aimee Mann's album, so they're not completely off the hook. These bands may be making artistic 'statements', but they're really only pissing me off.

    Punishment: Have the blank spaces on their albums overdubbed with Celine Dion, Whitney Houston and Michael Bolton vocalizing the words "hang on......"

  7. People who view mailing lists as a place to air all of their personal grievances: This rant has me wanting to play both sides of the fence. While I genuinely feel for all of the the people out there with issues that need dealing with, and I can empathize with the growing sense of loneliness out there in the world, given the new paradigms of modern life, I still do not believe that mailing lists are the appropriate venue in which to lay all of one's personal issues out on the table. Not to be mean, or anything, but I just don't care.

    Punishment: This one doesn't really have a punishment, per se. Instead, I have created a place where those of you with Squeeze related issues can go to get some help. Click here if you need some help with your Squeezy issues.

  8. While we're on the subject of mailing lists -- what about those people who don't know where the delete key is when responding to e-mail messages?: This one really doesn't need a long-winded diatribe. You know who you are, and I want you to cut it out right now.

    Punishment: You're going on my list, and when I take over the world, I will give you all 14.4 modems and monitors that only accept 600x400 resolutions. That'll learn ya.

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