*.Sig files are the little tags that some folks, myself included,
append to the end of their e-mail messages. Some contain only info about
the sender; others may include a little epigram as well, or instead. Here
are some of my favorites. A few I created; the rest I appropriated. Contributions
are welcome (see below) and will be duly credited.
``Lex has bullets.''
--The News & Record's news computer-systems manager,
who, unfortunately, was talking
about typography, not munitions.
"Where are those shots going? Who's watching this cowboy?"
--Former Winston-Salem police officer Steven Cooper
on Davidson County Sheriff Gerald Hege after Hege chased a fleeing suspect
into Forsyth County and fired shots into the air and
over the man's head. The SBI is investigating.
"Roight, 'ere we are in 'Ades, risking our immortal souls. Now, as
long as we stay insoide
this pentagram, we're soife. But if Oi step outsoide this pentagram,
Oi risk being seized by
a daymon, loike this ugly one 'ere, and disemboweled. Let's 'ave
a look around, shall we?"
--An episode of Animal Planet's "The Crocodile Hunter"
I'd really like to see.
``OK, so apparently the only difference between a stink bomb and
a military toxic biohazard is two extra drops of sulfur tetraoxide. I am
totally suing that Web site.''
--"Malcolm in the Middle"
"There's only four ways you can improve a newspaper: You can report
stories better, write them better, edit them better and illustrate them
better."
--Frank McCullough, former managing editor, San
Franciso Examiner
``The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the
bad girls live.''
--George Carlin
``Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?'' -- George Carlin
``Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?'' -- George Carlin
"Seventy-nine pages, and two of them are devoted to journalistic
excellence. You see what
we're up against?"
--Columnist Carl Hiaasen of The Miami Herald, waving
a copy of Knight-Ridder Newspapers' annual report to stockholders at the
1998 National Writers Workshop in Charlotte.
``So let me see if I've got this straight. You've got kids that are
only a few days old and
you decide you just want to sleep all day so you drop them off unsupervised
in a garden full
of snakes and dangerous fruit with no clothes on and tell them to
engage in incestuous free
love and get pregnant! What kind of a parent ARE you?''
--Dr. Laura, to God (www.hcco.org/archive/articles/andgod.htm)
``We are committed to growth. And we are committed to old-school
journalism: We kick ass and take names.''
--Editor John Robinson, in a memo to the News &
Record staff, May 9, 2000.
``Governments don't analyze the data they mandate/squat on. They
just aren't wired to be
analytical. It's as good a justification to do CAR [computer-assisted
reporting] as any I
know.''
--Paul Overberg, USA Today
"Have you tried communicating with them, Chief Riff?"
"But sir, they are ugly and really weird-looking."
"Very well, continue firing."
--"Sluggy Freelance," www.sluggy.com
``President Bartlet's a good man, he's got a good heart, he doesn't
hold a grudge. That's
what he pays me for.''
--Josh Lyman, The West Wing
``As Bart Simpson has said in one of his inimitable chalkboard penances,
I will not torment
the emotionally frail. But the mighty and the powerful? You betcha.''
--John Levesque, TV critic, Seattle Post-Intelligencer.
``The meek shall inherit the earth ... and the assholes will contest
the will.''
--Dennis Miller.
``We need someone perceived by the American people to be irresponsible,
untrustworthy,
partisan, ambitious, and thirsty for the limelight. Am I crazy,
or is this not a job for the
U.S. House of Representatives?''
--C.J. Cregg, ``The West Wing''
"The last time I tortured someone, they didn't even have chainsaws!"
--Angel on "Buffy the Vampire
Slayer"
"Beware of he who would deny you access to information, for in his
heart he dreams himself your master."
--Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri video game, www.firaxis.com
"It occurred to me all at once that music is always better than I think it is."
--Lencicki, www.brokentype.com/blog/