Almost Every Other Thursday | Buy Our Crap
No. 78 | 6/5/08 - 6/18/08

Incumbent Saves Face
Vows a new crackdown on gangs
Supervisor Janet Nguyen promises to prevent Hispanics from using a proposed pedestrian bridge in Westminster.

WESTMINSTER--Speaking to a small crowd of her supporters, Supervisor Janet Nguyen didn't beat around the bush as she watched the early election results on the Orange County Registrar's website late Tuesday.

"It looks like I've got this thing sewn up!" she shouted into a microphone as she pumped her fist in the air. "Dina proved to be a formidable opponent in this race. I admire her for her convictions and for running a clean race. She should be proud of herself and...oh, who am I kidding, right?! Hey, Dina! Suck it! Suck it, you [expletive] loser!"

As the crowd erupted with fervent glee, our reporter searched in vain to find a table with free refreshments.

Back at the OCLegend.Com offices, a different kind of speech was served up. "This race was full of so many ups and downs and infighting and car swerving and threats and allegations and crazy tattoos and...the whole thing was just awful! Just awful, I tell you!" OCLegend.Com CEO Joe Porterhouse insisted that we watch him imitate theliberaloc.com's Andrew Davey working himself into a tizzy. "Combine all of this with Hillary's loss to that...that man, and it almost makes me want to sit down and blog another meaningless, typo-riddled diatribe. You know what? Screw that. Screw that. Let's just go see Sex and the City instead."

Again, the crowd erupted with fervent glee.

Many Buddhists are pissed about the outcome. "She betrayed us," said one Buddhist as he double-parked his car on a crowded Garden Grove street to attend services in his friend's house. "We thought she was on our side. Now Republicans like us have to rely on the ACLU to get things done around here. The ACLU, for Buddha's sake. That's not funny, man. That's just plain embarrassing."

When our reporter tried to ask the man a few questions about his church, he smiled. "Oh, it's not a church. No, no. Not a church."

"You just said it was a church a few minutes ago."

"No. Not a church."

"Swear to the fat man?"

"No. Not a church."

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IS IT 4:20 ALREADY: As former Garden Grove resident Steve Martin would say, "Comedy is not pretty."

Orange Goes After Sign Twirlers
Sign twirlers vow revenge

ORANGE--In a determined move to rid the city of anyone who takes them seriously, the Orange city council on Tuesday voted in favor of tighter restrictions on sidewalk sign twirlers. The new regulations require twirlers to spin their signs only in a clockwise rotation, stop waving to passing motorists unless they wave first, and to refrain from wearing costumes on Tuesdays.

The unusual new mandates come after a man in a wheelchair reportedly complained to the city in April about a sign twirler at the intersection of Katella and Glassell. According to officials, the handicapped man was told to "back off" by an aggressive sign twirler who refused to allow him onto the sidewalk after he'd crossed the street.

"That story is pure baloney," said Ray Lurching, owner of Lurching Transmission Service. Lurching hired the accused sign twirler in order to drum up business for his nearby auto shop. He claims that the council has fallen for a highly exaggerated version of what really happened.

"The clown in the wheelchair rolled up the ramp, stopped his electric wheelchair on the twirler's foot, and said, 'Get out of my way, you twirling scum.' I have witnesses who can back this up. This character is one of these ADA shakedown scammers who goes around taking restaurant owners for all they're worth. The fact is that the city failed to look into what really happened. They simply took the man's word for it because he's in a wheelchair. That's not right."

Members of the city council refused to return OCLegend.Com's collect calls.

For once, sign twirlers are not thrilled to be attracting so much attention. "We are often maligned and scorned by people who don't understand our industry, our art," said one guy in some kind of freaky little Roman dude costume who flips a sign for a local pizza joint. "If the city council is telling us that all of the potholes are filled, that the taggers have been rounded up, that the reclaimed water in the Plaza fountain has finally been replaced with fresh water that won't make kids sick, then why don't they just take a well deserved vacation. Stop bugging those of us who have a purpose. Stop bugging those of us who have to work for a living. In other words, get a life. And a pizza, if you're hungry."

Many Orange residents are unsure about the new twirling regulations. Billy Joe Cluster is a lifelong Orange resident who initially supported the city council's efforts. "I was disappointed to learn that those Code Pink bastards aren't silenced in any way by these new ordinances. If you're not going to go after them, what's the point?"

When our reporter asked 12-year-old Billy Joe whether his potty mouth got him in trouble at home, he scoffed.

"I'm a Cluster, you [expletive]," he said.

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OCLegend.Com Opinion
The Red, White & Blue
by Pete Fundy
OCLegend.Com Editorial Staff

Yet another acquittal in the so-called Haditha "massacre." Is it too early to say that Pete Fundy was right all along?

As Orange County's leading conservative commentator, Pete Fundy hates to gloat too often. In cases like this, however, Pete Fundy will make an exception.

See, what you LIBERALS out there fail to recognize is that Marines are numero uno when it comes to protecting what matters most: other Marines.

That's right. No charade here, friends. Pete Fundy has no problem with Marines investigating and prosecuting other Marines. I know that it works. I know that, in the end, those who will ultimately pass judgment will give the accused a hearty OOH-RAH! and get back to the business at hand.

So our boys shot up a few kids and old people. So what. They're Iraqis. They had it coming. They were in on the bombing that killed that poor Marine right before everyone went ape. Hey, if Iraqi civilians refuse to cooperate with the coalition forces, then no one should be surprised when a few die of lead poisoning once in a while. Am I right? You bet I am.

If you LIBERALS really want a trial just because Newsweek gets some juicy images before they're deleted from all of the cameras, then fine. The Marines will give you a trial. You may not like the result, but they'll give you a trial.

We're not completely out of the woods on this whole Haditha deal. But, we're well on our way to finishing the show, so if you can't find your way back to your seat, perhaps you'd like Pete Fundy to show you the way?

That's what I thought. I'm Pete Fundy.

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