"Look how big my dick is!"

James Cameron celebrates the 1,503 deaths that brought him Oscar.

ROBERT ZEMECKIS

Zemeckis now makes gimmicky films or films that are "just for fun." This is because he is afraid of falling off his rocker and is doing everything possible not to make a movie that can be looked at as such. So here comes "The Polar Express." Kid's movie, Tom Hanks, insane effects...can't lose. But is he really changing the way stories are told? He's still on The Rocker, if only because I'll still pay to see whatever he churns out -- even if it has Jenna Elfman in it.

UPDATED 8/24/07: Beowulf Express is coming out soon. He must really hate working with actors. If his next movie isn't live action, he's gone.

JAMES CAMERON

What do you follow up Titanic with? Nothing. Really, nothing. See that guy walking across the grand canyon on a tightrope of dental floss? That's Jim. Now we get word that 3-D is his muse. As long as it doesn't have Ricardo Montalban, I'm in, and I'm guaranteeing victory.

UPDATED 8/24/07: Well, not making a movie is one way to stay on the rocker, James. Next year is make or break.

PHIL ALDEN ROBINSON

Phil got into the chair rather quickly with Field of Dreams, and then became cautious, as he should be. Sneakers kept him on the chair, quite admirably. Then he did some TV stuff to keep low profile. Then he turned out The Sum of All Fears, which sent him tipping but... Kept him rocking. He took a difficult assignment and did something miraculous with it: he directed Ben Affleck as a Jack Ryan into AVOIDING the total travesty that he threatened to become. The end result was a more decent movie than the sleep-inducing Noyce adaptations, and he deserves to keep rocking because we'll still line up for whatever he's got next...

UPDATED 8/24/07: I think he's in the same prison camp in Cambodia as Kasdan. Maybe they're collaborating.

ANG LEE

One of the main causes of going off one's rocker is switching genres. Ang Lee seeks to battle this by heading straight into the problem, switching stories and styles like a madman. And then we got the split decision that was the Hulk. Some loved it. Some hated it. Some thought it was a worthy effort. Some said, "what the fuck happened at the end with the...thing." It doesn't matter. Hulk wasn't a masterpiece, but if anyone can tell me that they would rather watch Daredevil, I will risk a jury trial to make sure that you suffer.

UPDATED 8/24/07: Going NC-17? Very, very smart. Even if it's a failure, Lust, Caution is now more of an experiment so you'll get a pass. Carry on.

CURTIS HANSON

So Curtis Hanson took on Eminem and won. 8 Mile wasn't an instant classic like L.A. Confidential or even a hidden gem like Wonder Boys, but what other white director could make a movie with more street cred than anything directed by Spike Lee? Recline in your chair, Mr. Hanson.

UPDATED 8/24/07: Get the fuck out of that chair, Mr. Hanson. Lucky You? Unlucky us.

STEVEN SODERBERGH

You bet your ass he's rocking. I don't care if the press tried to make him flavor of the month. So he's gettin' crazy with Julia in Full Frontal and spooky with Clooney in Solaris. But he cheats. Criticize Schizopolis? It was an experiment. That's what he called Full Frontal, too. If you pull out a get-out-of-jail-free card every time you try a movie that should knock you out of your rocker, what are we supposed to do? While Solaris may have tell-tale signs of instant doom, you have to see it first to judge. And no one reading this has ever seen the fucking thing.

UPDATED 8/24/07: He was like a brilliant, shining star a couple years ago. Now I doubt he will ever make a singularly great movie again. This is a real loss.

CAMERON CROWE

When you tank a Cruise movie that was based on a brillian foreign film, it can't be good for your posture. The question is whether Crowe will inside and write another personal movie that blows away hearts and minds, or whether he continues to look...elsewhere for inspiration. I will say this though: did you hear the Vanilla Sky soundtrack? The cues? When they make the minute-thirty epic bio of my life, I want him at the boards. He'll be back.

UPDATED 8/24/07: "What I'm going to do, I'm gonna bring it back to my wheelhouse with this really personal movie called Elizabethtown. It's going to say everything I feel about love, career, America... it's going to be something special." -- Almost Famous Last Words

PAUL VERHOVEN

Some say he was always off his rocker, and others say that is precisely his charm. The only sin this bad boy can truly commit is to be boring, which he has accomplished with Hollow Man (first ten minutes notwithstanding).

UPDATED 8/24/07: Black Book makes you feel dirty. Oh, wait, so does every fucking movie he makes.

COEN BROTHERS

They haven't had time to fall off, but Ethan is 48, and Joel is only 45. The magic age to fall off the rocker is 50, and those under that age need not apply. UPDATED 8/24/07: Everybody has been taking a dump and they're no different. No Country for Old Men will be the test.

PETER JACKSON

Duh. He is now officially rocking, and we couldn't be happier. He also possesses an intriguing character that will be interesting to watch in terms of how it weathers the storms that assault a rocking chair. Though he's a savvy businessman, he's not a money whore like Lucas. Doing King Kong is smart, and we predict it will continue his streak. But that's okay, he's still a young man. He has plenty of time to destroy everything we love him for.

UPDATED 8/24/07: So Return of the King came out in 2003 and King Kong came out in 2005. That didn't take long, did it?

DAVID FINCHER

Fuck Fincher, but some fanboys and filmschool fools will cry without his name being mentioned. He's safe as long as he stays in the dark. But if he gets hungry for Oscar get ready to flinch. Of course, you're only as good as your last movie, and Dave left us with...Panic Room. Fanboys, begin panic.

UPDATED 8/24/07: THE surprise of this list. Zodiac is sooooooooooooooo good. Who would have ever believed that the Finch would be last man standing?

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

Some would say "Unbreakable, case closed." Those who know better would disagree. But fans and detractors alike are salivating for the moment that this gentleman falls off hard. Belief in your hype is the quickest of all killers.

UPDATED 8/24/07: Night is the only director to have a book chronicling his fall from the rocker. Recommended reading, folks. And for those who believe that is only age that destroys directors, he's a great example that absolute power corrupts absolutely.

DAVID LYNCH

He clearly earned his rocker with Blue Velvet. Interesting that he almost fell off the rocker during a TV show, specifically when he revealed Laura Palmer's killer. Supermodels keep their clothes on for a reason--they've all got flaws. He could have kept it going for at least another season. However, Mulholland Drive has kept him rocking. If there was one more really nonsensical thing like Lost Highway I'd give up, but he pulled me back in with a terrifying, emotionally resonant celebration of dream logic.

UPDATED 8/24/07: Why can't I put Inland Empire into my DVD player?

PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON

If you thought for a moment, "which one?," turn your computer off and never return here again. If you're still reading, you either love him or hate him. My partner wanted to snipe him from 2000 feet but Punch-Drunk Love made him week in the knees. This man has the power to make you feel something! You fucking robots!

UPDATED 8/24/07: Like with the others, soon we will know much. Daniel Day Lewis couldn't save Gangs of New York, so prospects are dim.

MICHAEL MANN

Ali -- a prototypical film to take take you off your Rocker -- had Mann on the ropes, but came out swinging. Make Cruise a bad guy? Good. Sweeping shots of LA in gritty Mann light? Better. Awkward club scene with lots of space between extras? Um...Night at the Roxbury? I still love him. Fuck you for doubting him.

UPDATED 8/24/07: Miami Vice? Great. If you don't think so, you're a Neanderthal. The question is not whether he has a great movie left in him, it's whether any studio will pay for it.