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SPIKE LEE
Eric Schaeffer has a steadicam, too, and he sure as hell ain't here. By the way, did you see those warm
Kmart ads he just shot?
UPDATE 8/24/07: He's really been improving. He's almost to the point where can shoot a
competent genre pic.
RIDLEY SCOTT
Some would argue, but he never made that great movie to put him in rocker
status. Alien is a great take on a haunted house, Blade Runner is a great canvas, and Gladiator is great spectacle, but none
of them are great films. And 1492: Conquest of Paradise certainly isn't either.
UPDATE 8/24/07: When you choose
Orlando Bloom to be the star of your Crusades movie, you say more than I ever could about your senility.
TONY SCOTT
Geez,
we all love this guy. We all have a special place in our hearts for him. He's like a friend who we love to go out with,
but who always gets drunk off his ass. Which is fine because he's so entertaining, but sometimes he barfs on our shoes and
we all have to bitch about it to each other the next morning. Also, he should stop trying to be like his older brother.
Tony, hear this: If I ever had a choice to see a new Ridley Scott film or Tony Scott film, I'd see the Tony Scott film first.
But do more shit like Man on Fire and I will start to wait for the rental... Oh, who am I kidding...
UPDATE 8/24/07:
What does Domino sound like? An old trying to masturbate in the bathroom and falling off the lid.
ROBERT ALTMAN
Sorry,
Bob. You move a camera around and tell actors to improvise. If that were the standard for Rockers, the chimp from Project
X would probably get a chance. Or at Henry Jaglom. In a Clint voice from the trailer of In the Line of Fire--"That's
not going to happen."
UPDATE 8/24/07: RIP, stoner.
PETER BOGDANOVICH
Look at the IMDB.
Anytime you have more acting credits than directing, you don't qualify. And Last Picture Show and Paper Moon don't get you
shit, either. And even if they did, shacking up a fucked up playmate and then her sister after the first one died would be
probably cause. Okay, the real reason? I hate his fucking face. Go back to playing Leonard Maltin on the Special Edition DVD
of Five Easy Pieces.
UPDATE 8/24/07: Will be remembered a half-century now as a bit player on The Sopranos.
ED
ZWICK
I had the Glory hard-on, liked Legends of the Fall, and didn't even mind The Siege. But Dances with Ninjas
-- excuse me, The Last Samurai -- proved that he didn't have a leg to stand on; It sucks and yet it's still not that much
worse than most of his stuff.
UPDATE 8/24/07: Blood Diamond sucks the charity your feel for Africa out of your
heart. He's doing some other Zwick movie now. The man directs 100 million dollar After School Specials for adults.
ROBERT
RODRIGUEZ
This is really only to draw the ire of the fanboys -- no self-respecting filmgoer would expect to see him
even mentioned on the site. I liked the trilogy, didn't see Spy Kids, respect that he does it all himself, blah, blah, blah.
How's this? Robert Rodriguez is one of North America's best hacks. Nice.
UPDATE 8/24/07: Sin City was the real
deal. He's still a hack. People didn't like Planet Terror, but to us it looked like every other RR movie we've seen (except
for subliminal divorce fodder we picked out in a couple frames, that was good).
KEVIN SMITH
I have an autographed
screenplay of his. I hate Joey Lauren Adams' scream in Chasing Amy so very much.
UPDATE 8/24/07: I like how he
keeps trying out real DPs and then makes them shoot a junior high school project. This guy won't make it to the high chair,
let alone rocking chair.
WES CRAVEN
Who told us that Wes Craven was good? Was it his legion of Fangoria
readers? Was it Harvey? Was it him in his egotistical interviews? "You...you find that man."
RICHARD
KELLY
I'm very sorry, but Donnie Darko makes no sense. And it never will. He has to make one extra superior movie
to even be considered for a Rocker.
UPDATE 8/24/07: I hear Southland Tales is amazing! Of course, I heard that
last year as well. What's that? You wrote Domino? Tony Scott's Domino? So you were trying to give him a handjob in the
bathroom when he fell off the toilet?
GUS VAN SANT
You're not the man, dog.
RAWSON THURBER
Get
your hands out of your pants, kids.
UPDATE 8/24/07: How did this guy get on here? I leave this passage up only
because I hope I will one day know how it began to exist.
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