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| "I can do anything I want and I know it." |
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| Spielberg makes believe that he still has it. |
Let's be honest. The list of names beneath contains some of the greatest directors of all time -- if not the greatest. These
guys are some of our favorites (in fact, both of our favorite films were directed by men on this list) or they wouldn't even
be here.
But sometimes you have to call a spade a spade. These men are sullying their great bodies of work, and
they must be stopped before they tarnish the legacy they worked so hard to achieve.
THOSE LEGENDS WHO ARE CLEARLY
OFF THEIR ROCKERS:
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
As was stated above, Jack proved that Francis was off his rocker.
However, he first slipped when he followed up The Cotton Club with Captain Eo. While The Cotton Club was a dismal failure,
it wasn't insane. Captain Eo was, is, and will always be. Some may argue that Dracula and The Rainmaker weren't that bad.
They weren't. Now put them next to Godfather I & II and Apocalypse Now and tell me how good they were. Or just force yourself
to watch Godfather III.
UPDATE 8/24/07: Goddamn he was good. I know we have Kasdan down for his run, but GF 1 &
2, Conversation, and Apocalypse in the same decade? When he fell from his rocking chair, god heard the noise and was spooked.
STEVEN
SPIELBERG
What's that? Didn't he win an Oscar in 1998? Yep, but he was already off his rocker. Steven Spielberg will
never direct a Steven Spielberg movie again. The beginning of the end was Schindler's List. That was when he realized he was
god. He then made an inferior sequel, a bad slave movie, a great war movie destroyed by bookends, and A.I. Say what you will
about A.I., it isn't nearly as good as Close Encounters. Others will argue that he smashed the theory, that he made a horrible
movie in his good streak (Hook) and rebounded. Sorry. Hook wasn't a big stupid departure from what made him great. Amistad
was. Pray we don't see Indy IV.
UPDATE 8/24/07: Oh, we'll be seeing Indy 4 alright. This cat is a strange one.
Movies like ET and Empire of the Sun just get better with age. Schindler's does not, if only for that mockery on the train
tracks with Neeson at the end. The man CANNOT end a movie to save his life. Private Ryan, Schindler's, Munich (what in the
holy fuck was that sex thing -- he wasn't THERE, asshole). This is our first example of a director who is not only off the
rocker, but is impotent. He just... can't... finish...
GEORGE LUCAS
Episode I? Nope. Star Wars Christmas
Special. But he also produced Howard the Duck.
Could we spend 193 pages dissecting this man's fall? Yes. Does he
deserve it? Oh yes. But the fact that 50% less of the public will be showing their kids Star Wars in the year 2050 might
be punishment enough. Why bother to tear down his legacy when the man has already done it himself?
UPDATE 8/24/07:
No one has squandered more goodwill in his lifetime than GL. Not even GB. And that's saying something.
MARTIN SCORSESE
Kundun
is very impressive. It is also the anti-Scorsese film, and it is the beginning of the end. What it probably comes down to
is age, so don't feel sorry for him. He put up the good fight. For others that need more proof, check out the trailer for
Gangs of New York.
UPDATE 8/24/07: Wow, GONY even worse than we suspected, huh? I don't know if we're just getting
old, but let the old man do what he wants. He's already given us so much. He wants to do B-movies and win oscars with them,
we see good on ya.
WOODY ALLEN
Interesting that he went off his rocker both personally and professionally.
Screwing Soon Yi in 1992 is when he fell off his rocker. He made Manhattan Murder Mystery the same year. It isn't bad, but
when you compare that and every film since to Annie Hall and other oldies but goodies...it's obvious. More proof lies in the
casting of Kelly Kapowski/Pumpkinhead for his new flick.
UPDATE 8/24/07: Wait! I like Manhattan Murder Mystery!
What's interesting now is that he fell off the rocker with his own brand of movies and now he's just making bad dramas. A
little sad, but he was just killing it for a while.
TIM BURTON
I hesitate to put him on the list, but I
will to pacify the fanboys. Tim Burton fell off the chair when he started making movies for himself. Unfortunately, many stars
believed in him and Mars Attacks was thrust upon us.
UPDATE: Anti-fanboy Mike Stern suggests in the guestbook that
Burton doesn't deserve it. Burton lucked into one of the only movies that would automatically put him on the list: Batman.
To put it in a way you can understand, Mike...imagine if you were lucky enough to catch a boff. Improbable and undeserved,
yes, but undeniable if it actually happened.
UPDATE 8/24/07: Planet of the Chocolate Factory prove that the man does
not belong here and that reader Mike needs to go see my therapist.
MIKE NICHOLS
A recent addition, thanks
to What Planet Are You From? But does anyone really care if he directs again? In fact, did anybody (we're too young to remember
the premiere of The Graduate)?
UPDATE 8/24/07: This is more a question. Why do all you kids like Closer so much?
Every little brat I meet out of college says its their favorite movie. Enlighten some old men...
ROMAN POLANSKI
Always
off his rocker, but still managed to produce. However, in the modern era, the golden shower scene in Bitter Moon might be
a good place to start. That Johnny Depp movie would be a good place for him to finish. His career.
UPDATE 8/24/07:
In my best French accent: What should I do? I will act in dis American movie wit Brett Ratner directing. Surely no one will
complain about me nipping at underage tail wit zat asshole around. What iz dat? Do I still make ze movies? Iz complicated.
I do, but nobody seem to care.
SYDNEY POLLACK
No one director has fallen so far from his rocker. Sabrina?
Random Hearts? He killed Harrison Ford's career for God's sake. Well, Havana is where it all began. And while we're on the
subject of bad...stop fucking acting.
UPDATE 8/24/07: Fuck him. He had a couple good movies. I wish I wasn't too
lazy to move him to the other page. Just ignore the paragraph above.
OLIVER STONE
Oliver Stone was born
September 15, 1946. Oliver Stone went off his rocker September 15, 1946. No arguments.
JOHN MCTIERNAN
For
those of you who think Die Hard is one of the best American movies, you'd be wrong. It's one of the best movies period. For
McT, it was in the triple-threat streak of Predator, Die Hard, and Hunt For Red October. Then came Medicine Man, which sent
him tipping back, followed by Last Action Hero, which sent him flying off the rocker and into deep space. That is where he
remained for the rape of quality and tradition which was Die Hard with a Vengeance. All his whining about studio interference
gains no sympathy, because no one but a rocker-less visionary would come up with the nightvision chase sequence that is the
centerpiece of Rollerball. McTiernan was only 42 when he directed Last Action Hero. Eight useless years before he was required
to go off his rocker.
LAWRENCE KASDAN
Some people have good runs. Kasdan had "the run," which
makes the fact that he is now far off his rocker rather sad. Try this out: Empire, Raiders, Body Heat, Big Chill, Jedi, Silverado.
That was in five years. Clean up your pants. Now let's look at another run: Wyatt Earp, French Kiss, Mumford. Dreamcatcher
was the nail in the coffin, the irrefutable proof, the god damn shame, and a sterling example of a life lived off the rocker.
UPDATE
8/24/07: Why do some directors who go off the rocker get to keep making shit, but they send Lawrence Kasdan to a prison camp
somewhere in Cambodia where he makes pictures in the dirt that no one will ever see? Just asking.
SIDNEY LUMET
12
Angry Men in the 50's, Fail Safe in the 60's, Dog Day, Serpico, and Prince of the City in the 70's, and The Verdict in the
80's. He isn't as consistent as others who have sat in the rocker, but his time in the chair is longer than anyone else's.
Even Night Falls on Manhattan is pretty good, but it doesn't change the fact that it was made after A Stranger Among Us. When
you cast Melanie Griffith as a cop going undercover among the Hasidic Jews in NY, you're clearly working from the floor with
a large gash on your head which you earned from your fall. Further proof lies in Guilty As Sin and Gloria, which neccessitated
1839 stitches for Lumet's head.
NEIL JORDAN
Early silly business aside, this lad got serious with The Crying
Game, then kept commercial respectability with Interview With The Vampire (shut up in the back). He maintained this with choices
both dull (Michael Collins) and exciting (The Butcher Boy). Then he made In Dreams" which was a nightmare that The End
of The Affair couldn't even wake us from. In Dreams is the kind of movie that rocking chairs fear.
JOHN G. AVILDSEN
Rocky,
The Karate Kid, The Power of One...
Meet The Karate Kid III
BARRY LEVINSON
Born in Baltimore and
that's where he shoulda stayed. Even the worst Baltimore movies (Liberty Heights) are better than Sphere. As far as the mainstream
goes, Barry was doing fine until TOYS. Notice how many directors here have suffered at the hands of Robin Williams. Oh, and
fuck Wag the Dog. I don't even want to hear it.
UPDATE 8/24/07: I saw Man of the Year last night. Was that this
guy? What the fuck was THAT?
MEL BROOKS
Spotting a comedy director going off his rocker is easy - the funny
stops. Mel Brooks is a classic case of age rotting quality. He has bounced back with The Producers, and we are happy for him.
But it is not a movie. "Dracula, Dead and Loving It" is, and it breaks hearts.
ALFRED HITCHCOCK
Rocker
fan Mike Stern writes in on the guestbook to suggest Hitch. As if we didn't consider him. Although we agreed to pay defference
and leave him off the list since he came from a different era, Mr. Stern has ruined it all and left us no choice. Alfred Hitchcock
went off the rocker, and the movie was Torn Curtain (the one starring Newman and Julie Andrews? Shock! Horror!). Is it an
okay movie? Yes. But here's the test. Watch Torn Curtain...and then look at the poster for Vertigo. Sorry, Mike.
THE
WACHOWSKI BROTHERS
This one is probably the most painful -- partly because it's so fresh, and partly because there
was so much potential. Even though I LOVE Reloaded, America has weighed in, and these boys (?) who got on the rocker VERY
quickly (which is always dangerous) were at the tipping point with the second chapter. Then they went flying off with Matrix
Revolutions, a frustrating piece of sadness. They have said in interviews that they may never make a movie again, because
they have poured all their ideas into the Matrix trilogy of films. Unfortunately the poured all their good ideas into the
first one, with a few amazing threads left over for the second and madness for the rest. What I really think is, they got
so into their own heads, that they ceased caring what the audience thought. Larry just wanted a twat and lost his balls in
the process.
UPDATE 8/24/07: Wow, they blew it, huh? I still think that Reloaded would have been better if they
had followed up with the themes of it in Revolutions and (I am now smothered by a pillow)
MARTIN BREST
Textbook
case: Beverly Hills Cop. Midnight Run. Scent of a Woman. Meet Joe Black. MIDNIGHT FUCKING RUN!
Gigli.
Good
night.
SPECIAL BOX SET: CLINT EASTWOOD, ROBERT REDFORD, KEVIN COSTNER, WARREN BEATTY
BEATTY: Superstar.
Influential. Directing Oscar for Reds in 1981. Dick Tracy in 90. Bulworth in 98. But the real reason for our wrath is that
he should've been Carradine in Kill Bill.
COSTNER: Superstar. Oscar out of the box for Dances With Wolves. He's
in with these boys just because he had the clearest and most fun plummet with The Postman. I hear Open Range was good, too
bad no one saw it and I never will, despite my inevitable netflixing and return without opening the envelope...
REDFORD:
Megastar. Sundance. Oscar out of the box for Ordinary People. Some very nice WASP-y films followed. The Horse Whisperer
was good enough to put us to sleep so we could sleep through Bagger Vance.
EASTWOOD: Superstar. Unforgiven. Hmm.
This is tough. Clint has directed more than twice the amount of these other guys COMBINED. 27 movies. Now, quantity ain't
quality but damn if there ain't some fine movies in there. There's also shit. And yet... Clint is Clint. Several of our
rocker operatives were sent to Carmel to serve Mr. Eastwood with his papers back in the late nineties, around the the time
of Absolute Power. They were never heard from again. Whether he's in the rocker or not I can't say... For fear of my own
life. Maybe he doesn't rock. Maybe he doesn't sit. Maybe he just likes to walk...
UPDATE 8/24/07: Look at this
motherfucker. Oscars coming out of his now. Uhhh... Mystic River is a failure. Million Dollar Baby is okay. Those war
movies blew. He's got this Spielberg thing in him...this thing that makes him fuck up his movies. It's weird. Million Dollar
had some good stuff, but what was with that family? The white trash? I know you have the burden of working with a Haggis
script, but you totally lost me there. Mystic River had that Macbeth thing out of nowhere and then the stupid ending. I
don't mind open-ended things, but if you don't know the ending I can tell. You don't get to just stop and say "I want
the audience to do some work." If you give me a direction to walk in, Clint, I will follow. If you don't, I will walk
out of the theater, get my money back, and watch a bootleg of Unforgiven, a truly great movie.
SPECIAL 2 PACK:
ROB REINER and RON HOWARD
Actors turned directors turned moguls, who both had excellent streaks in the 80's and 90's,
only to get serious and plummet. Reiner had, in a row, This is Spinal Tap, The Sure Thing, Stand By Me, Princess Bride, When
Harry Met Sally, Misery, and a Few Good Men.
Ron Howard had Splash, Cocoon, Gung Ho, Willow (the bomb astericks),
Parenthood, BACKDRAFT, Far and Away (tipping...), The Paper (GOOD, dammit), and Apollo 13.
These guys were like
classic directors from the studio era. Comedies, dramas, thrillers, fantasies... Quality. Then they just, well, fell off...
North
was a famous bomb, but some say Reiner rebounded with The American President. I don't know, for me the magic was already
gone. Then came Ghosts of Mississippi, and with it a very heavy thudding sound.
As for Ron Howard, Far and Away;
was the beginning of the end, and those wise enough to see the signs knew it then. Ransom sucked and shouldn't have. EdTV?
Okay, but why? By the time he raped the Grinch, it didn't matter anymore. It was already over. Oh, look! He won an Oscar
for A Beautiful Mind! A SHITTY TV MOVIE. Ron Howard didn't so much fall out of his rocker as slowed to a halt and stared
out of the window at the nice sunset, stricken with Alzheimers. Silhouette shot as no one notices that the curtains are slowly
catching fire...
BOB CLARK
"Rocker" reader Nadel writes:
Dear Doctor Rocker,
What
of the curious case of director Bob Clark? Who is that again, you wonder? Isn't the Rocker reserved only for those who've
scaled huge cinematic heights? Well, yes. And Clark is a man who once upon a budget, did just that. But he fell so far
off his rocker that no one even recalls him.
Here is a man who, like many acclaimed directors, began with z-grade
horror. After a string of cult hits, he finally climbed a rung with Porky's which, okay, is still shlock but was a massive
surprise hit and a huge status upgrade for Clark. A year or so later, he climbed about as high as a filmmaker can by making
a cultural classic, "A Christmas Story". Like "It's a Wonderful Life," it bombed. Thanks to video, it
was not just saved but enshrined. Considering he also co-wrote it, the film is hardly a fluke for him. So I'd have to say
he was on his rocker at some point. You don't just accidentally make a classic. (They showed "Mannequin" twenty
times a day too and nobody batted an eye.)
So all seems to be going well on the Clark front, right? Wrong. How
wrong? "Rhinsetone" wrong. "From the Hip" wrong. "Baby Genius 1 & 2" wrong. In fact,
the ONLY blip of hope in Clark's post-Peter Billingsley career was "Turk 182". Not exactly an ascent of Everest.
It's barely even a bunny slope. And yet every holiday season, TNT plays (and plays and plays) a constant reminder of a career
that once was and still should be.
Off his rocker??? Ahem. He made a film called "Karate Dog" last year.
Let me rephrase that. He made a film that wasn't even Air Bud... it was an Air Bud wannabe. Yes, the man has completely
fallen. And that, Doc Rock, is the sad truth about the man who fell so far off his rocker, no one knows his name.
Thanks,
Nadel. That's one more tear that I don't have left.
WOLFGANG PETERSEN
A new edition to this list. But
that's what 2 hours and 40 minutes of gay porn -- or Troy as it's known in the States -- will do for you. Of course, deep
in our hearts, we all know he fell at the exact same moment that awful CGI plane fell into the sea in Air Force One. Welcome
to reality, Wolfie.
UPDATE 8/24/07: PO-FUCKING-SEIDEN???????
JOHN WOO
This director has both sides
baffled. The elite will question how an "action director" could ever make the list. The fanboys would buy a gun
used in The Killer on ebay and use it on themselves to make love. They're both deranged. For the smug film theorists, I
present to you a little film called Hard Boiled. Wannabes will cling to The Killer, but Hard Boiled is where those who wish
to learn shall begin. By the time Chow jumps out of the hosptial with the baby (after killing 193 people by himself) and
lands on two feet, you know that you have a director at his action peek. And, yes, snobs, action is an art form.
Finding
the movie that derailed him is a bit more difficult. The same lot that think The Killer is where it's at (read: any middle-aged
film critic) think that he's been a bust in America. Hard Target with Van Damme rules. Fuck you, you're wrong, it rules.
If you don't like it, leave the world. After that is the colossal mis-step that is Broken Arrow. This one would probably
be the movie that signaled his senility -- if Face/Off hadn't of kicked your ass around like it was a tin can full of feces.
Face/Off rocks the house, kids. Accept it now, or call us with apologies in ten years. So what are we left with? Mission
Impossible II. Starring the necrophiliac of great directors that is Tom Cruise. Two bikes speed at each other at over 50
MPH. The men jump off. They hit each other and continue to fight. Somewhere, a dove weeps.
WILLIAM FRIEDKIN
Nine
Fingaz (http://www.creachafeacha.com) suggests this prick. Even assholes make it to The Rocker, and Friedkin is proof. While
he's been living off his wife and what used to be his rep for the last 20 years, he certainly was on in his game in the 70's.
French Connection. Exorcist. There's no denying his skills. And he even pulled an insane car chase out of his ass in Jade.
Too bad that he made the rest of the film around it. If Friedkin could only have Popeye Doyle find and torture the thug
who stole his talent, his conscience, and his common sense, he might have a chance at making a decent film again. Until then,
look forward to more sub-par Paramount films thanks to his wife, the President of Paramount.
UPDATE 8/24/07: $5
to the first person who can tell me, sans-google, if this guy is alive.
To find out more about Nine Fingaz, his posse, and his crimes, visit http://www.creachafeacha.com
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