"I'm going to behave."

That's something I catch myself saying to anyone close enough that I can get past the utter shyness and awkwardness that seems to rule most of my interactions with people. Thankfully, most of these people also know me well enough not to believe a single word of it. Still, I caught myself saying it again, to myself this time, and I had to sit down and just think about it for a while.

Behave. My behaviour's never been quite the way it was supposed to be. Being able to behave the way other people thought I should, well, that's a mask I wore. I was raised to be demure, quiet, never say things improper in society, and to keep myself from saying it, I should not think it either. I should be the proper lady. Well, I had to become a chameleon in order to achieve that, even in short bursts, for short periods of time, and sometimes I wasn't even all that successful.

Really, though, who did they think they were trying to fool, to think that I'd behave like that? The proper lady? Me? I laugh at my father every time he reminds me that "that's not the way a lady would act", and for one simple reason. I'm not a lady. I'm a coarse-mouthed, rough-and-tumble tomboy.

Never mind the fact that it seems to me that the definition of what a lady does or does not do changes with every trend of fashion, with every new age, with every generation. No matter what generation I found myself in, I wouldn't qualify. There was a time when it was unladylike to read, unladylike to seek further education. I can't imagine myself not seeking further education and to not read? That's unholy! There was a time when it was unladylike to wear what was dubbed men's clothing. I can't even go into all the definitions of what was unladylike that I do, that I think, or that I will be doing.

When I was younger, it was taught that there were words you just didn't say in polite company. It was appalling, to say that. Don't say the word penis or vagina. Don't say the word masturbate or orgasm. Not in polite company. Not at all. I still can't do so without feeling slightly silly, or that people are staring in appalled shock at me, even when I do so in the privacy of my own bedroom.

When I say things I think are offensive, are thoughts I have that are sarcastic, or even are things I don't think I should say, or that I have the right to say, I'll put on the straight face, I'll smile, and that's when I say that I'm going to behave.

I always fail.

So I came to a decision a couple of days ago. I am going to say what I think, what I feel, what I mean, even if its considered offensive or 'wrong'. I'm not going to apologise for it. Mind, this probably won't happen all at once, but it's a process. I'm working on it already.

So it is that I changed the name of this journal. It's not just the song I stole it from, although that might be a part of it. The song, and others like it bring out a wildness in me that I want to learn to embrace. I don't want the mere moments of that, I want it all.

I don't want to be something demure. I want to be something wild.