ON WHAT MEN WANT (by Dennis Miller):
I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course we don't want to feel too threatened.
So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first
put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the
magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your
head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex".
Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't
have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?!
All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal
the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes:
Here's what men want from women. One through Ten:
ONE - We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about
clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and
one pair of church shoes. That's it.
TWO - Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very
simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't talk.
THREE - When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get
aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect
me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of
nunchucks, all right?
FOUR - Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the
fifty-seventh time?
FIVE - Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think,
"You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."
SIX - You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks
like that at "The Drink" when I was single.
SEVEN - Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a
relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.
EIGHT - Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just
because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean consomme
instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want
to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?
NINE - Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry,
you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried
crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then
started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"
TEN - be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of
this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light.
Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in
a while?
It Must Be Love
I remember her eyes
over the yawning abyss
of a week and a half.
I remember their brown glow
lighting the room like
a shock of azure sky...
Azure...
Blue. Right. They were blue.
Blue as ocean water, in
its deepest emerald hues....
Emerald.... Green.
Right. They were...
They were green, kind of a greeny-blue...
Sort of aquamarine, with browninsh flecks.....
OK, I remember her huge tits.
Three Times is a Charm
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
New York Math Exam
1. Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and fires 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
2. Joe has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Jack for $320 and 2 grams to Murray for $45 per gram. What is the street value of the remaining cocaine, if left uncut?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Rufus can support his $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jeremy wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make an additional 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?
5. Will receives $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevrolet, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals two BMW's and three 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $600?
6. Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail? How many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money?
7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? What percentage of the girls in the gang hasn't Hector knocked up yet?
BONUS QUESTION: Based on the above info, how many more girls can he knock up if he has sex 3 times per day with three different girls each week over the next 6 months while using the highly reliable "rhythm method" of birth control?
What Every Young Girl Should Know - What Kind of Man Makes the Best Lover?
Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.
Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want, don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?)
One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!
HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE?
Don't be shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is somewhat larger than a ball-point pen.
HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST?
Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."
HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?
The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.
WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
There is no such thing.
WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?)
WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are "GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.
WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girl friend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.
HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girl friends over to take part. Another technique. and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.
HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.
SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
"If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?"
There is absolutely no way to tell.
"What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and shiny?"
One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look.
"What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"
You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"
"Where should a man take me?"
Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about.
"What happens if he doesn't call?"
He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe write or works for a humor magazine, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover.
BJ
A couple is about to be married. The groom is walking down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. the best man says "hey man , I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited." The groom replies "I just had the BEST BJ I have ever had in my entire life."
Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says "hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited." The bride replies "I have just given the last BJ of my entire life."
Faith
A traveling preacher finds himself caught in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a few hours, the motel he's staying in is flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying.
Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go, mister, into the boat."
"I'll stay here," says the preacher. "The Lord will save me."
An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel. "Sir, you better get in. The water is still rising." "No thanks," says the preacher. "The Lord is my salvation."
Toward evening, the motel is almost completely under water, and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof.
"Hey buddy, get in the boat! This is your last chance." "I'm all right," says the preacher, looking toward heaven. "I know the Lord will provide."
As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning, and the preacher is killed. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious. "What happened?" he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"
Within seconds, a thunderous voice is heard: "I sent you three fuckin' boats, asshole!"
My How Times Have Changed
There were three prostitutes living together: a mother, daughter and
grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.
"How did you do tonight, dear?" asked her mother.
"Not too good." replied the daughter, "I only got 20 dollars for a blow job"
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 5 dollars!"
"Good God!" Said the Grandmother, "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
You Look Great
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on
his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she
said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Before it Starts
The husband comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy, in front of
the tv and rudely tells his wife,
"Gimme a beer before it starts."
She gives him his beer. 15 minutes later, he says again,
"Gimme a
beer before it starts."
She does. A few minutes later, he asks
again for a beer... the wife goes,
"Dont you think you're drinking
too much? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you
already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this."
The husband looks up and mumbles, "Now it starts."
99 reasons it's great to be a guy:
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on
every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you
go.
17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be you friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming
by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without
even thinking "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work... more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's Sports Center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F__k it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in
the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice
anything different?"
99. Baywatch
A guy's sitting on the couch and he says to his wife, "Get me a beer."
She says, "Get your own beer."
He says, "Get off your fat ass and get me a beer."
And she says, "Get off your fat ass and get your own beer, you
lazy bastard."
He says, "If you don't get me a beer right now, you're not going to see me for three days."
She refuses to get him a beer.
One day goes by, and she doesn't see him. The second day goes by and she
doesn't see him, the third day goes by, and the swelling goes down a little
and she can kind of see him.